Page 107 of Balancing Act

Beth studied her for a long beat, still feeling the remnants of her frustration, but they were fading away into a softness. Jamie was here. She was showing up. She wasn’t running from her.

She squeezed Jamie’s hands lightly, pulling away and reaching for the takeout bag. “I’d like that,” she said, “but first, food.”

Jamie breathed her relief, smile growing as she followed Beth toward the kitchen.

By the time they finished dinner, the sky had deepened into a rich navy, the last hints of daylight fading along the horizon. The air was crisp, carrying the scent of pine and salt from the water. Beth led Jamie down to the dock, their bare feet quiet against the weathered wood. The day had been unseasonably warm and sunny by Pacific Northwest standards.

She settled onto the edge of the dock, legs crossed beneath her as she reached into her pocket, producing a small metal tin. Turning back to Jamie, she held it up with a sly smile.

“A little end-of-the-night relaxation,” Beth said, shaking the tin slightly.

Jamie let out a surprised laugh. “You smoke?”

“Occasionally,” she said, with a shrug, her grin widening. She plucked out one of the joints. “I figured tonight might be a good night for it.”

“You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?”

“You have no idea,” Beth teased, lighting the joint with practiced ease, inhaling deeply before offering it to Jamie. “This,” she said, the smoke curling around them, “is how I like to unwind when my thoughts feel too complicated.”

Beth watched as Jamie’s lips wrapped around the joint and she pulled slowly, letting the smoke sit in her lungs before releasing it into the night and passing it back to Beth.

Beth leaned back on her palms, watching Jamie and wanting nothing more than to understand where her mind was at. “So, talk to me.”

Jamie didn’t speak, dark eyes looking out over the water, fingers tapping gently against her thigh. She took another slow drag, and Beth could tell she was trying to buy herself a little more time. For Jamie, she had nothing but her time to give. “This feels so stupid to say out loud,” Jamie said softly, passing the joint back to her.

“Nothing you have to say is ever stupid,” Beth reminded.

A stretch of silence followed her words, before Jamie found her courage. “I got a call from my doctor today. When I was in the kitchen earlier.”

Her eyes widened with understanding. “Oh.”

Jamie nodded, gaze fixed on the water. “My annual mammogram. It’s next week.” She let out a slow breath, shaking her head. “I completely forgot about it.”

Beth frowned slightly. “That’s good, right?” She paused, watching Jamie’s jaw strain and her fingers tighten around the joint. “Isn’t it?”

“No. Because when I remembered, it hit me twice as hard. And that scared me more than the appointment itself.”

Beth stayed quiet.

Jamie swallowed hard but kept speaking. “It’s the thing I dread most every year. Like a kind of morbid New Years celebration. If I pass—lucky me, I get another year.” Her smile was weak as she let out a shaky laugh. “Sorry, the dark humor really kicks in when I try and talk about all of this.”

She reached out and placed her hand on Jamie’s thigh, rubbing gently. Encouraging her to continue.

“But this year? It slipped my mind. I’ve been sofuckinghappy that I completely forgot, Beth.” Jamie shifted, turning to face her, one leg dangling off the end of the dock. “But the second I answered that call, it was like being yanked back underwater. All the fear, all the what-ifs—it hit me all at once, because what if this is when my time is finally up?” she choked out.

Jamie hung her head, quickly wiping at her cheeks—she was crying and trying to hide it. Beth immediately leaned forward, wrapping her arms around Jamie, pulling her close.

“I can’t even imagine what that felt like for you,” she said softly into her hair.

She knew Jamie’s fears about her cancer history, but they had seemed so abstract in the ways the two of them had talked about them, not concrete or real, not in this way. But now, she could truly see the toll this mental burden was taking on Jamie.

Beth dropped her arms, taking one of Jamie’s hands in hers, her thumb rubbing small circles.

“I love this life we’re building,” Jamie continued. “I love you, I love Lily, I loveus. But I’m so fucking scared that I’ll be the reason it all comes crashing down.”

Beth inhaled slowly, the buzz from the joint filling her chest as she chose her words carefully. “I understand why you’re scared, Jamie. God, you have every right to be scared. But do you see what you’re doing?”

Jamie’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”