Page 72 of Theirs to Desire (Club M: Boxed Set)

KAI

“ W hat the hell are you doing?” I ask Maddox as soon as we leave. There’s a dangerous edge to my voice. I don’t like what Avery did to us ten years ago, but that’s in the past. What Maddox just did… I’m really not happy about it. “Since when do you pay women to have sex with you?”

He flinches and rubs his hand over his face.

“It’s more complicated than that. I don’t care about money, Kai.

You know that. I’ve never given a shit about it.

She was upset. I wanted to help. I acted on impulse.

” He exhales, long and slow. “Let’s change the topic, please.

I didn’t get the chance to ask you earlier about your hands. What did Jayla say?”

I look down at my fingers dispassionately. “That, as far as she can tell, there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“That’s fantastic news.” He raises an eyebrow. “Why don’t you look happier?”

“It solves nothing, does it?” I shrug. “My hands are still useless. I can’t operate.”

“What does Jayla think is causing it?”

“She thinks it’s in my head. Stress or anxiety or something.

Joanna Wadsworth has arranged a stress management workshop.

” My jaw tightens with irritation. “The whole thing is stupid. The only thing stressing me out is Joanna’s insistence that I have to attend this damn workshop. She’s on the warpath.”

“What’s wrong with attending a stress management workshop?” Maddox’s voice is curious.

I don’t reply. I know why I’m annoyed about this workshop. I’m afraid that I’m running out of options. It isn’t neurological. If it isn’t stress, then what? What if I never figure out what’s going on with my body?

“I just don’t want to be told to breathe deeply and meditate in the middle of a workday, for fuck’s sake.”

Maddox shakes his head. “You’re being a dick,” he says bluntly. “It’ll be good for you. That explains Jayla’s text. She’s moving the party back a couple of hours.”

I make a face. It’s my birthday, and Jayla’s insisting that I celebrate it, whether I want to or not. From the sound of it, half the damn hospital is going to be at the bar across the street from us. “I don’t know why everyone needs to make a fuss.”

“I’m just attending because the whole thing annoys the fuck out of you,” Maddox says cheerfully. “As for everyone else, for some strange reason, your co-workers seem to like you. It’s your birthday, buddy. It comes around once a year. Put on your big-boy pants and deal with it.”

My lips twitch involuntarily. Maddox is right; I have been quite unreasonably grouchy since I lost my patient.

I’m still dealing with the incident, but there’s no need to take it out on other people.

“Fair enough,” I concede. “Do you know, I can’t remember the last time you were in town on my birthday? Where were you last year?”

He thinks for a minute. “Tangier, I think,” he says. “Would you believe, I don’t remember? I’ll have to look at my calendar.”

“All the cities blend together after a while?”

He grimaces. “Something like that,” he admits. “Still. I am in town this year, and I’m quite looking forward to the party.”

“I’m not.”

He gives me an exasperated look as we stroll down 18th Street. “Yes, you’d rather crawl into a hole and hide.”

It’s a nice night. Even though it’s Monday, the sidewalk is crowded with people. Every restaurant we pass is full. Music wafts out of open doors. The city’s teeming with life, and I feel disconnected from it all.

“When’s your next OR day?”

“In two weeks.” I run my hands through my hair.

“It’s another young person. A guy, this time, forty-one years old.

He’s got three young kids.” My hands clench into fists, and I force myself to relax.

“Coronary bypass. It should be routine. Until then, I’m officially on vacation, except for this damn stress workshop. ”

Maddox notices my tension. “Do you want to go away?”

“I thought about it, but I changed my mind.”

We reach the crosswalk and fall silent as we wait for the light to change. Once we make our way across the street, Maddox picks up the thread of conversation. “Because of Avery?” he asks. “Because of the next fourteen weeks at Club M?”

Pretty much. “Among other things.”

His lips curl up, but thankfully, he changes the topic. “Have you talked to your parents about the tremor?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Damn it. Maddox nags like a champion. “Because they’ll freak out,” I grit out. “I want to get a handle on this thing first. There’s no point worrying them prematurely.”

“You want to know what I think this is?” He doesn’t wait for me to ask.

“You’re afraid. That woman died on your table, and it’s jolted you.

Look at the way you described the patient you’re operating on in the next three weeks.

He’s young. He has three young children.

You're still shaken up, Kai, and that’s okay.

You’re having a perfectly normal reaction to something traumatic.

But don’t make this a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Shit happened. Life sucks sometimes. You’ve got to face your fears. ”

“You’re right,” I retort. “Shit does happen. Life does suck. And yes, I have to face my fears. So tell me, Maddox. Have you talked to your brother recently? Or contacted your biological father.”

He looks away, his jaw tightening. “Touché.”

I don’t want to think about what Maddox is saying.

Then there’s Avery’s reappearance into my life, and that comes with a whole new set of fears.

The kind of loss I felt after she left—I’m not prepared to face that kind of blinding grief again.

We’d only been together for two weeks, but I’d known after the first day that she was perfect for me.

She’d left such a deep void that I’ve spent ten years of my life afraid of love, shying away from commitment and closeness, avoiding intimacy.

She chose Victor Lowell once over Maddox and me. There’s a part of me that wonders if push came to shove, that she’ll make that choice all over again.

We reach our cars. “I’ll see you on Friday,” Maddox says.

“The stress workshop runs from noon until two. If you drop by at one, maybe I can duck out early.”

He laughs. “I don’t think so, buddy. Meditation is going to be good for you.”