Page 119 of Theirs to Desire (Club M: Boxed Set)

CALEB

W hen I get home on Saturday night, I pound back drink after drink. It numbs the pain and deadens my brain cells, but not enough. I fall asleep with Kiera’s stricken face swimming in front of my eyes.

Sunday morning, I wake up with the hangover from hell.

Serves me right. I try to cling onto the sense of betrayal I felt last night, but it doesn’t last. Shame fills me instead.

What the hell was I thinking yesterday? What the hell was I doing walking into that private room?

At the core of every relationship—especially one with BDSM elements—is honesty. And I hadn’t been honest with Kiera.

A hundred times that day, I reach for my phone. I need to call her. See her. Apologize.

And I freeze every single time. I see Kiera’s face after she saw the photo of her sister, and guilt floods my body.

What the fuck was I thinking? I should have called her Saturday, right after she propositioned me, and told her everything.

Why the fuck did I wait until Derek Haas had something concrete?

Because I didn’t want to raise her hopes just to dash them. I’d been trying not to hurt her.

Well, asshole, you did it anyway. I’m pretty sure she’s not ecstatic right now. Next time, try honesty from the start.

It’s one thing to play games about obscure cocktails. It’s another thing entirely to play games with people’s emotions, and that’s pretty much what I did with Kiera. Sure, I can tell myself that she should have been upfront with me too, but that’s a deflection. I’m not in the clear. Not at all.

I fucked up. Not only did I fuck up on Saturday night, but I fucked up a second time by throwing a bombshell in her face, walking out of there and leaving Nolan to pick up the pieces. And now, by not apologizing, but not telling her how sorry I am about what I did, I’m fucking up the third time.

If there’s an award for ‘Dickwad of the Year,’ I’d be the clear front-runner.

Monday morning, the hangover fades, but the guilt intensifies. I spend most of Monday and Tuesday hovering over Derek and Megan, demanding everything they have on Bianca.

On Wednesday, I send Kiera a text asking her to write her sister a note. “Leave it with Henri,” I tell her, because I’m too much of a pussy to see Kiera and grovel, the way I should have all week.

A week rolls by, miserable and colorless. I stay away from Club M. I exchange a couple of texts with Nolan, but that’s about it. My mother watches me brood and asks me what’s going on, and I bite her head off. I’m winning friends and influencing people all over the place.

Thursday afternoon, Hunter Driesse drops by unannounced. “Come on,” he says. “This is an intervention. We’re going out for lunch.”

“Did my mother call you?” Hunter’s a psychiatrist who works in the same hospital as my mother did prior to her retirement. He specializes in PTSD, and she’s sent several patients his way.

“Yes,” he says calmly. “But I’d have looked you up anyway.” He waits for me to finish sending the email I was working on. Once we’re in his car, he continues. “I was at Club M the Saturday before last, remember? What the fuck happened that night?”

“I screwed up,” I mutter. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

We arrive at our destination, a diner that both Hunter and I frequent regularly. To my surprise, Nolan’s already there. “Are you part of this intervention?” I ask him.

He shakes his head. “I think we’re both targets.”

“You are,” Hunter says crisply. We wait until Emma, our regular waitress, pours us coffee and takes our order.

Once she’s out of earshot, Hunter glares at the two of us.

“I find myself in a very odd place,” he says.

“Dixie Ketcham called the two of you idiots. It’s not often that I agree with her about anything, yet here we are.

So, what really happened on Saturday with Kiera? ”

Nice to know that everyone’s discussing my private business.

“We did something stupid,” Nolan says, not looking at me.

“Yes, I’m aware,” Hunter replies. “Fill me in on the details.”

I take a sip of the piping-hot coffee and tell him the whole story.

While I’m in the middle of it, our food arrives.

When I’m finally done, Hunter glares at me.

“Let’s try a thought experiment, Caleb. You lost a brother; you should know what losing a sibling feels like.

But let’s say that instead of getting that call and finding out he died, you got a call that said he was missing.

Presumed dead. And Joha’s gone too. Both of them vanish without a trace. ”

Fuck.

“Let’s say that for six years, you think they’re dead. You mourn. Then, one day, you find a picture of Theo on Nolan’s computer.” His stare slices through me. “What would you do to find out the truth, Caleb?”

“Anything.” I take a deep breath. “I would do anything. Because I would have to know.”

“Kiera does exactly what you would do under the situation, and instead of understanding where she’s coming from, you get angry? You jump on your high horse and gallop out of the club?”

Ouch. Hunter’s right. I’m a complete asshole.

He switches his attention to Nolan. “Remember Inez Cardoso?”

Nolan grimaces. “I slept with her for information,” he says to me. “It was a couple of years ago. Her cousin was someone I wanted to find.”

Hunter’s voice snaps like a whip. “Did you judge yourself as harshly as you judged Kiera?”

Nolan runs a hand over his face. “I screwed up, okay? It was the heat of the moment.” He eyes his coffee morosely. “And I’ve been too ashamed to go back and tell her that.”

Hunter doesn’t let us off the hook. “Man the fuck up, you two. It’s been twelve days. It’s appalling that you haven’t apologized to her. You’re grown men. Act like it.”

Damn it. I hate when Hunter’s right. I assume he’ll be gentler with his clients, but because he’s not our therapist, he feels no need to pull his punches.

Then again, this ass-kicking session is exactly what I need.

He drops a twenty on the table and walks out. I drain my coffee, reach deep, and lay my cards on the table. “I’m afraid that I’ve broken something that can’t be fixed, and I don’t want to confront the truth,” I admit in a low voice.

“You’re not the only one.”

“Kiera matters too much.” I look at my friend. “Where are you at in this?”

He doesn’t answer for a very long time. The silence stretches between us, and then finally, he breaks it.

“That Friday night at your house… It felt like I was living someone else’s life.

I was flirting with a beautiful woman. Nobody was shooting at me.

I wasn't rotting in a hospital somewhere, afraid I was going to die alone and un-mourned. And I wanted that life so badly that it shook me.” He focuses on his food.

“Alexander has settled down with Ellie. He invited me to join them for Christmas in his farmhouse in Provence. You’ve changed too.

Your house is a home. You have a bag of chips on the coffee table, Nala’s artwork on the refrigerator door.

Family photographs on your bookshelves.”

“All the things you don’t think you can have.” Nolan is doing his level best to sound unconcerned, but I see through it. “But there’s no reason it can’t be your life. It’s all there for the asking.”

“Is it?” Nolan meets my gaze squarely. “Here we are at an inflection point. This is your life. This is the woman you’ve been flirting with for months. Say the word, and I’ll walk away.”

“It’s not just my choice to make,” I say levelly.

“Bullshit. Everyone gets to make a choice. This is between you and me, Caleb. This is me trying to do the right thing. You like Kiera; she likes you.”

“After Saturday, I very much doubt that that’s still true.”

He ignores the interruption. “I’m an intruder into your world.” He grips his coffee cup so hard that his knuckles whiten. “You tell me you want me to go, and I will leave. But it’s a one-time offer. Our friendship matters, but I won’t put my heart through a blender, over and over again.”

I’ve never shared a woman with Nolan. Sure, I’ve participated in casual threesomes, but sharing a woman I care about? I have no illusions; it won’t be easy. We’ll have to work at making sure there are no misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

But it’s possible. Fiona, Brody, and Adrian seem to manage it, as do Kai, Maddox, and Avery.

Nolan is right. This is an inflection point. I lean into it. “Like I said,” I say, meeting his gaze squarely. “This can be your life if you reach out and grab it.”

We want Kiera, but after Saturday, she might not want anything to do with us. Either way, we need to apologize to her. And then what…?

I don’t know what the future is going to hold. The only thing I know is this. I’ve been frozen all week. That ends today.

My phone beeps. I glance down at it. “I forgot I have to coach Nala’s soccer game this afternoon.” I’m about to suggest that Nolan meet me at the club tonight when a thought strikes me. “Why don’t you join me?”

“To coach after-school soccer?”

I give him a vicious grin. “Welcome to my life, buddy. It’s not all fun and games.”