Page 179 of Theirs to Desire (Club M: Boxed Set)

DIXIE

I thought things were bad when Xavier walked in. But then Fiona enters the kitchen, with Brody and Adrian not far behind. When she catches sight of me there, surprise slaps her face.

Oh crap—can the ground open up under my feet?

I’m never going to live this down. Ever.

Fiona recovers quickly. “Hello, Dix,” she says, hugging me in greeting. Then she turns to Eric. “Eric, it's been forever. How are you?”

When in doubt about what to do, feed people.

I jump to my feet and grab a handful of plates.

There is just enough of the casserole to go around.

Hunter takes a look at the situation and gets on the phone to order pizza.

Another bottle of wine is opened. Extra chairs are found so everyone can sit around the table.

Scotch is poured. Soon, the group is laughing and chatting, eating chicken noodle casserole and pizza, and drinking wine (me), Scotch (Eric, Hunter, Xavier, and Adrian), and beer (Brody and Fiona).

I’m mostly quiet as I sip my Merlot. The people I’m sleeping with are in this room, as are the people I want to avoid.

After this afternoon, I didn’t really want to see Eric, and here he is.

Seeing him sitting at the table, his legs stretched out in front of him, sipping his Scotch with an expression of pleasure on his face, heat pools in me.

Then he catches me looking at him, and he smiles warmly, and pain stabs my heart.

Then there’s Xavier. Thankfully, the conversation is animated, and nobody notices my silence.

If Xavier says something to me, I might scream.

My emotions are still too raw, my disappointment too immediate and real.

If I get a minute alone with him, I might say something I regret.

Something like, ‘if I'm not in the running for the COO job, the least you could do is tell me.’

And then he’d fire me. And I’d be polishing up my resume.

For almost an hour, I manage to avoid Fiona too, but my reprieve doesn't last. She corners me outside the washroom. “Let's go outside for a bit,” she suggests.

We step out into the backyard. I’m in no hurry to have this conversation, and I wait for her to broach the subject. “So,” she says, a big smile on her face. “You and Eric and Hunter. I should have known that your protests seemed too vehement. How did this happen?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on, Dixie,” she says impatiently.

“Remember brunch, about a week ago, when you told us the story of how you met them? You thought they were assaulting a woman, interrupted their scene, and told them they had small cocks.” She tilts her head to a side.

“You left out a very pertinent piece of information. You didn’t tell us you were dating them. ”

“I’m not dating them.”

“Explain.”

Fiona is a private investigator. One way or the other, she is going to worm the truth out of me. “I wasn't lying about the way we met,” I murmur. “But we've since made peace. We've moved past that first meeting.”

“Evidently.” She flashes a smile in my direction.

“I'm excited for you, I really am. You’re awesome, and Eric and Hunter are great guys. I like them a lot, and so do Adrian and Brody, and you know how sparing they are about their stamps of approval.” She gives me a curious look.

“You said you weren’t dating them. Is this a casual thing? ”

“Yes.”

Her brow furrows. “Can I ask why?”

That's the million-dollar question, isn't it?

“I'm pretty sure they don't want to be in a relationship,” I tell her. “Hunter is still reeling from the death of his mother, and Eric…” My voice trails off. I don’t want to gossip about Eric’s ex-girlfriend.

He told me about her in confidence. “Well, Eric has his own reasons to not be with somebody as vanilla as me.”

She snorts a laugh. “Vanilla? Dixie, if you're sleeping with two guys at the same time, you’re well past vanilla.

Do you think kink is just whips and chains?

Sure, that works for some people—I'm one of them—but that's not the only way.

It's obvious that the three of you have found at least a few areas of mutual interest.” She surveys me for a long second.

“Those are their reasons for not being in a relationship with you. What are yours?”

I wish I knew. “You have relationship brain,” I tell her. “Just because the three of you are ridiculously happy doesn’t mean?—”

“Please,” she cuts in. “Give me some credit, Dix. I’m not matching people up for the hell of it. But I’ve been watching the three of you for an hour, and I don’t know if anyone’s pointed it out to you, but you can’t take your eyes off each other. The attraction is pretty damn clear.”

Argh. Private investigators.

“I just don't see this as being right for me.” Even as those words leave my mouth, I know it’s a lie.

Being with William felt wrong. Sleeping with two guys at the same time might have been outside my comfort zone but being with Hunter and Eric has always felt right.

I've never once felt uncomfortable or uneasy.

“I mean,” I continue. “Can you really see me pull something like this off? Me?”

“It's not how I see you that's relevant,” Fiona responds gently. “It's how you see yourself.”

I wish that she had a different answer for me. I wish she’d come out and say, ‘Yes, Dixie, I think you should be in a threesome. You can handle it.’

Of course, she’s never going to do that. Fiona can't make my decisions for me. I have to make this choice on my own.

“I should focus on work.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince, Fiona or myself. “That’s what’s important. That’s what I’m good at.”

Except that’s not true either. I’m hardly making a success of my career. My time at Rollins, Atterby & Rourke was a disaster, and it looks like I’m on a rapid path to nowhere at Leforte.

Fiona frowns. “Why not both?”

“It’s not that easy, is it? You work for yourself, so your lifestyle doesn't really matter. But I don't.”

She rolls her eyes. “You work for a billionaire that owns a sex club. Xavier is hardly going to judge you for being in a threesome.”

“No, but he’s not the only one there.”

She gives me a pointed look. “You're in your thirties, Dixie. All your life, you've lived according to the rules.” Her fingers form air quotes around the word rules. “Has it made you happy? At what point are you going to start living for yourself? You know what I saw when I walked into Hunter’s kitchen? I saw my friend looking truly radiant.”

She’s not wrong. I have been happy. But this isn’t real life. It’s an interlude.

The patio door slides open, and Hunter emerges. His eyes rest on me for a moment. “We’re about to dive into the brownies,” he says. “I figured I should warn the two of you. If you want some, you better go inside before we eat it all.”

Fiona laughs. “Thanks for the heads-up, Hunter.” She hurries inside. Through the glass doors, I see Brody hold up a brownie to her, a teasing expression on his face. Adrian watches them both, a small smile playing on his lips.

I feel a pang of longing. I wish I could be braver. Be more like Fiona. Instead, I’m a coward. I don’t dare confront Xavier about the job. I haven’t told Hira I’m sleeping with Eric, and worst of all, I can’t bring myself to admit that I have feelings for both men.

“Hey,” Hunter says, wrapping his arm around my waist. “You doing okay?”

I force a smile on my face. “Yeah. I'm fine.”

“Thank you again for coming here tonight.”

He's looking down at me. There’s warmth in his gaze, and appreciation, and possibly something more, but I can't face up to that. I avert my gaze instead, stand on tiptoe, and brush a kiss over his lips. “I was happy to.”

“Everyone is going to leave soon. Fiona, Adrian, and Brody are going to spend the night at the castle and head back to DC early in the morning. Xavier's just called his driver to pick them up.”

“Xavier has a driver?” That momentarily startles me. “Never mind, of course he does.”

“He’ll give you a ride back to your place if you’ve had too much to drink,” Hunter says. “Or you can spend the night.” He pauses for a long moment. “I would like you to spend the night.”

I shouldn't have come here—that blurred the lines. Now I'm thinking of staying, and that's even worse. Hunter’s invitation makes me want the things I cannot have.

My Dare List is almost completely crossed off. All that's left is double penetration and anal sex. The biggies. And then what? If I want more from them, I’m going to have to ask for it.

I thought I could break the chokehold William’s words had on my psyche, but I don’t think I can. It’s too late for me to change. Too late for me to be somebody else.

I’m going to have to end this thing with Eric and Hunter. Soon. Before I get my heart broken.

Too late for that, Dix.

I've resisted spending nights with them. No beds. No staying over. Nothing that could remotely be construed as a relationship. Just once, I want to throw all caution to the wind.

One night. The last night.

“Yes,” I whisper. “I'll stay.”