Page 122 of Theirs to Desire (Club M: Boxed Set)

KIERA

S ometime during dinner, a storm has moved in. The skies have opened up, and it’s pouring outside.

The weather is a perfect metaphor for my emotions.

I’m being nosy; I know I am. Nolan has no obligation to answer my questions.

They’ve already done far more for me than is fair to expect. They’ve told me Bianca is alive. They’ve tracked down her location, and they’re going to deliver my sister a message from me.

I’m friends with Fiona; I know how expensive it is to hire private detectives. They’ve done thousands of dollars of work without expecting anything in return. I should be expressing my gratitude, not interrogating them.

“No,” Nolan agrees in response to my question. “It’s not for fun.” He stares at the bottle of beer in his hand.

Belatedly, my conscience decides to awaken. “You don’t have to answer my questions.”

He gives me a faint smile. “It really started in college,” he says.

“It was a heady time. I’d been in boarding school for years, and I was used to being on my own, but college was different.

My parents gave me an allowance, and they expected me to attend classes, but that was it.

I was unsupervised for the first time in my life, and I loved it. ”

“I met Caleb in college,” he continues. “Xavier too. Eric and Hunter, who you met the other day. Kai, Maddox, Brody, Adrian—we all hung out. We discovered we liked control. That’s what brought us together.”

“You formed a college sex club?”

He chuckles. “Nothing quite so tabloid-worthy.” His fingers worry at the beer label. “I liked the rush that I got when a woman trusted me enough to place herself in my hands. It was heady, powerful, and exhilarating.”

Caleb nods. “Not just Nolan, and not just BDSM. College was the first time it occurred to me that a relationship didn’t have to be between two people. Xavier and Rafael were both dating Layla, and it was a real relationship; it wasn’t just about kinky sex.”

Nolan chuckles. “There was a lot of kinky sex though.” He sweeps the shreds of paper into a neat pile and drains the rest of the bottle.

“Long story short, college was a time of discovery. I was young and rich. Women were plentiful, even women that would let me tie them up.” He takes a deep breath. “And then there was Lina.”

“The girl who died,” I whisper.

“Yeah.” His expression stays dark. “Lina was smart and funny, empathetic and kind.

Xavier and Rafe always thought they had the better sister, but I wasn't sure about that.” He gets up to get himself another beer.

“I was a little in love with her. Not that it mattered.

She was dating Stephan, and I never would've made a move.”

Oh wow. Poor Nolan.

“Lina was adventurous,” he continues. “Most of us were content with a little impact play, a little bondage. But Stephan and Lina seemed to be determined to try everything. Electricity, fire, knives. Stephan would talk about it from time to time, but I tried to stay away from them as much as possible.”

Because he was in love with her. My heart clenches in sympathy.

“If I had listened to Stephan, I would have realized that they were hurtling out of control.” He doesn’t look at me. “You already know what happens next. Because I wasn’t paying enough attention, two people I cared about deeply died.”

Fiona’s told me part of this story. They had all made a promise at Lina’s grave, that they would do everything in their power to see that it didn’t happen again.

At the time Fiona told me about Lina’s death, I’d been more worried about whether Nolan was part of the Russian Mafia, sent by Sirkovich to kill me for snitching on the mob. I’d been desperate to find out why Nolan had Greg Dratch’s photo on his laptop.

I hadn’t been listening. I hadn’t realized how deeply Nolan had felt the woman’s death. And above all, I hadn’t realized how much trust Nolan and Caleb were placing in me when they told me about Lina.

Neither of them has any obligation to answer my questions, but they’re answering them anyway. They’re letting me into a deep, intimate part of their lives.

I’d been too stupid, too caught up in my own shit to see it before.

“We made a pact that day, a promise to Lina that she didn’t die in vain.

That’s why Xavier runs a sex club, even though he is a billionaire, many times over.

It’s his way of making sure people play safely.

Adrian and Brody founded a private security company.

Kai is a doctor. Maddox financially supports hundreds of women’s shelters all over the world.

” He finally looks up at me. “I became… I guess you could call it private security. The world is a dark place, and there is a handful of us that patrol the shadows and do what we can to make things better.”

“What does that mean?” I ask, staring into Nolan’s brown eyes.

“It varies. Sometimes, it involves putting my money to good use. Sometimes I play a more active role.”

“He gets shot at,” Caleb elaborates bluntly. “He goes undercover, and he infiltrates cartels and mobs, and he puts himself in the line of fire.”

Nolan gives Caleb a sidelong look. “We both did. But that brings us back to Dratch.” He leans forward. “Dratch used to work for a man called Luis Fernando Martinez.”

That name prickles at me until I remember where I heard it. “That’s Bianca’s boyfriend.”

“Yes,” he says soberly. “I didn’t know that at the start.

Martinez is hard to track down. He doesn’t meet anyone in person.

Only a small handful of people have seen his face, and Greg Dratch is one of them.

I thought that if we found Dratch, we’d find Martinez.

That's what Caleb was helping me with.” He exhales.

“Until you reacted to that photo the way you did, we didn't know anything about your sister.”

I realize something. “You said Bianca was with Martinez. You don’t need Greg anymore to get to him, do you? You could use my sister.”

Nolan shakes his head at once. “I would be lying if I told you that the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.

But as much as I want Martinez, I won’t put your sister in danger.

There’s a chance that she’s up to in her eyeballs in his stuff, but there’s an even better chance that she’s caught up in something and can’t get out. ”

His eyes rest on mine. “There's another reason.”

My palms are damp with sweat. I wipe them on my thighs. “Which is?” I whisper.

Nolan makes an impatient noise in his throat. “Isn’t it obvious? She’s your sister, Kiera. How can I put her in harm's way?”

I stare at them, my emotions a jumbled mess. Nolan’s simple answer has taken my breath away. He’s offering me something I’ve never had in my life.

Unflinching, unwavering support.

They both are.

I don’t know if I deserve it. I don’t know what to do with it. But I believe them. They’re on my side, and the sheer relief of it takes my breath away.

It’s all out in the open now. All our cards are finally on the table. There are so many words on the tip of my tongue, but none of them form into sentences.

Except one.

One thought is dominant. “Dixie said something to me earlier today. She made me realize I’d never forgiven myself for what happened to Bianca.”

I address Nolan. In some ways, we’re kindred spirits. We don’t feel entitled to happiness because we let down the people we loved.

“You were how old, twenty-one, twenty-two? Nolan, you didn’t kill Lina; you can’t hold yourself responsible for what happened for the rest of your life.

” I pour myself a glass of wine, more from a desire to do something with my hands than from any real need for alcohol.

“Dixie told me it wasn’t my fault, and she’s right.

I’m going to pass on her advice to you. What happened to Lina and to Stephan was awful.

But it wasn’t your fault. You should forgive yourself. ”

“I agree with Kiera,” Caleb says quietly. “You’ve been throwing yourself into riskier and riskier situations because of guilt. Let it go. I’ve already lost too many people I care about. Lina. Stephan. Theo. Joha. I don’t want to add your name to that list.”

There’s a long moment of silence. Finally, Nolan breaks it. “So, there we go,” he says lightly. “You know how fucked up I am, yet you’re not running away, screaming.”

He thought I’d recoil because he was damaged? Has he not been paying attention? I’m the queen of fucked-up. “I’m not planning on it.”

Caleb clears his throat. “Nolan and I were planning on going to New York tomorrow. Would you like to join us?”

I look up. “To see Bianca? I thought it wasn’t safe to approach her.”

He shakes his head. “No, not to see Bianca. I just got word from my team. Your sister is flying out to Cancun tonight.”

I blink in confusion. “Then why New York?”

Caleb looks at me, intense and focused. In this light, his eyes are more green than gray, and the weight of his attention holds me captive. “I thought we could go out for dinner,” he says. His lips curve into a smile. “Catch a show maybe. Go to a club, if that’s your thing.”

My heart beats faster. “Are you asking me out on a date?”

“Yes.”

There are thousand warning voices in my head, but I’ve listened to them all my life, and I don't think they've made my life better. Always second-guessing somebody's motive. Always wondering if somebody's going to hurt me. Never allowing myself to trust. I’m tired of living that way.

I take a deep breath and step off the ledge, trusting that I won’t fall and shatter into a million pieces. “I'd love to.”