Page 29 of Theirs to Desire (Club M: Boxed Set)

FIONA

T here’s a buzzing in my ears when Brody and Adrian buckle leather cuffs around my wrists and ankles. It grows as they tie me to the Saint Andrew’s Cross, and I can’t focus on anything else. It’s really cold in this room. Goosebumps break out on my skin, and I shiver uncontrollably.

Brody and Adrian say something to me. More concern. I reply automatically, telling them I’m okay. There’s a voice in my head that is yelling at me to tell them the truth, but I’ve spent two years not talking about Raymond Downing, and it’s a hard habit to break.

Some unspoken communication passes between them because after trailing a soft flogger over my skin, they untie me. Adrian puts his hand around my wrist, and a feeling of warmth slowly returns. He spanks my butt, and each stroke heats my skin. Slowly, the ringing in my ears decreases.

I suck Brody’s cock happily as Adrian spanks me, always holding me close.

His hand feels nice. His body radiates heat.

When he starts stroking my pussy, I know I’m supposed to control myself, but my willpower seems to be missing, and even though I’m risking punishment, I allow myself to ride the waves of arousal.

Brody groans as I take more of his length in my mouth. We climax within seconds of each other. Adrian’s fingers keep thrusting into me, claiming every last bit of my orgasm, and then he pulls me tight against his chest and holds me close.

So much warmth. I rest my head on his shoulder. His heartbeat is steady and strong, and I could remain here all day.

Don’t be ridiculous, Fiona. You can’t cuddle with Adrian. You already chased that woman away, acting like a jealous harpy. That’s quite enough.

But that inner voice is muffled as if it’s yelling at me through a heavy fog. I’m drained. I lean against Adrian for as long as I can, until I realize something. Brody came in my mouth, but I haven’t taken care of Adrian. My heartbeat quickens. “You didn’t come.”

His arms tighten around me. “Leave that for a bit,” he says, his voice serious and low. “Tell me how you’re doing? Does anything hurt?”

He thinks I’m weak, and my reaction is formed from pure reflex. “No,” I assure him.

He doesn’t sound convinced. “Anything you want us to do differently next time?” he asks me, his gaze boring into me.

Tell him you were afraid of being tied up. “Nope.” My parents were both cops in Maine. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my mother display a moment of weakness. She’s always strong. What would she think of her daughter? I force a bright smile on my face. “Thank you, that was lovely.”

They press me some more, their concern obvious. But the ringing in my ears has receded, and I’m fine. I’m not a victim or even a survivor—those labels should be reserved for people with real problems. I was in a three-month relationship that didn’t go well. I’m hardly in the same category.

I get dressed, my thoughts returning to my case. Maybe Maria Dumonte is in a private room right now. Who is she playing with? I need to be asking questions, finding out who her friends are, who I need to discreetly pump for information.

What’s the protocol here? Adrian and Brody said they wanted to monopolize me for the next three weeks. Does that mean I’ll need their permission to hang out at the bar?

I run my fingers through my hair, wishing I had the sense to pack a comb in my small, beaded purse. Then again, I didn’t think I’d need it. Before the evening had started, I hadn’t planned on getting my hair all tangled and messy.

When I look somewhat human again, I make my way out of the bathroom, pasting another smile on my face. “I don’t know what you guys want to do now, but I’d like to hang out on the floor for a little while longer.”

Another unspoken communication seems to pass between them. “Come up to our room first,” Adrian says, his voice gentle. “Have a drink with us, then we’ll walk back to the floor with you.”

We head out of the playroom, making our way back to the main floor, and then I catch a glimpse of a man I haven’t seen in two years. Not since I filed a restraining order against him. Raymond Downing.

Then the ringing in my ears comes back full force, and a haze surrounds me once again.

I’m warm again. A fire is burning in the fireplace, scenting the air with a faint tinge of wood smoke. A colorful woolen blanket is wrapped around me, thick and comforting and slightly scratchy.

Where am I?

“You’re in my cabin.” Adrian’s voice comes from across me.

He turns on a switch, and soft light fills the room.

I’m sitting on a battered leather couch, and there’s another couch directly across from me, where Adrian is sitting.

I search the space for Brody and find him slumped in an armchair.

“Henri sent over your clothes if you want to change.”

I’m still wearing my cocktail dress. “What time is it?”

“Two in the morning,” Brody replies.

I got to the club floor at nine. I’ve lost more than four hours. “Oh,” I say, my voice faint.

“Do you remember anything, Fiona?”

I take a deep breath and hug the blanket around my shoulders. “I scened with you,” I reply. “I saw Raymond. Everything’s a blur after that.” I start to tell them I’m okay, wanting to ease the expressions of concern from their faces, but the words stick in my throat.

I’m not okay. I’ve been lying to myself for two years. I built a thick wall of denial around my emotions, around my fear, and I’ve been walking around like a zombie, awake but not alive.

Avery tried. God knows she tried over and over again to pierce through that wall, but I wouldn’t let her because that wall was my protection and my armor. That wall made it possible for me to get out of bed every morning.

Brody and Adrian had suspected it, right from the start. Everyone had seen it except me.

For the first time, I admit the truth to myself.

I’d been terrified of Raymond during our short relationship.

I’d walked around on eggshells, afraid to set him off.

I’d believed that his anger was my fault.

Had I been a better submissive, he wouldn’t have had to lose his temper as much.

He wouldn’t have had to punish me harshly.

“You warned me, and I didn’t buy it,” I say out loud.

I don’t need to give Brody and Adrian an explanation, but I want to.

“I didn’t want to listen. My parents were cops, and they worked with abused women often.

I never understood those women. I never understood why they didn’t just pick up and leave. I thought them weak.”

Neither of them says anything. They just watch me, intent and focused and caring.

“I did some reading before I became Raymond’s submissive,” I continue. “I thought I knew what I was getting into.”

“But?” Adrian asks.

I wish they’d hug me, but their distance is my fault. I should have been honest with them from the start. Hell, I should have been honest with myself.

“There were so many rules. I wanted to please Raymond, I really did, but I never seemed to succeed.” I allow myself to remember those three months. “I began to spend more and more time at work, just to avoid coming back home. But I still wasn’t ready to admit failure. And then…”

Brody’s fingers grip his mug so hard that his knuckles turn white. “And then?”

“I was—am—afraid of anal sex. I didn’t put it on my list of limits because I was hoping that Raymond would help me get over my fear.

But I did put sharing on my hard limits list, because I wasn’t sure if another dominant would be willing to accommodate my hang-ups.

Some of the people Raymond had over…” A shiver runs through my body, and this time, neither the fire not the blanket can warm the chill that spreads over me.

“Could you hold me?” I ask, my voice barely a whisper. “I know I have no right…”

Both men immediately rise to their feet. Adrian’s voice is thick with emotion as he settles next to me on the couch and wraps his arm around my shoulder. “Anything you need, you ask for, and we will do it.”

Brody lifts my legs and places them on his lap, resting his hands on my thighs. “We’re here, Fiona,” he says quietly. “You’ve been shouldering a heavy burden by yourself for a very long time. Will you let us carry it for a while?”

Tears sting my eyes. I don’t deserve their caring. I swallow hard. “How did your relationship work with Sandy? If you don’t mind talking about it…” My voice trails off.

Adrian answers. “For starters, it didn’t extend past the bedroom,” he says. “Brody and I weren’t interested in telling Sandy what to do with every moment of her day. That would have been exhausting. We played in the club, and we played in the bedroom.”

“Oh.” I guess I knew that. After all, before we’d started our scene, Brody had pretty much told me that. When we play, we’ll call you Fifi.

I bite my lower lip. Wrapped up in my denial, I’ve missed so much. “Did you ever share her?” I ask, my voice low. “With someone else?”

“No,” Brody bites out, barely contained fury in his voice. “If it had been something she was interested in, we would have talked about it. But neither of us would have ever shared her without her consent. Sandy was our submissive, Fiona. She wasn’t property .”

I stare at the fire. “He was going to share me,” I say at last, unearthing the one memory that I’ve buried deep inside, the one memory that I’ve never shared with anyone.

“I can’t remember what I did, but I made him angry one day, and he was determined to punish me.

He tied me up and told me that he was going to fetch his buddies.

If I couldn’t learn how to behave, they would teach me. ”

Adrian’s arm tightens around my shoulder.

“I managed to free myself.” I can hear the tremble in my voice, but for the first time, I don’t dismiss it. I had been genuinely afraid that day. It’s okay to admit it. “And I ran. I got into my car and drove all evening. I got to Bar Harbor at three in the morning.”

My hands feel clammy. As if he can tell, Brody laces my fingers in his. “Then what happened?”

“He followed me there. Told me I was overreacting. That it had been a joke. He’d have never done it.”

Adrian’s jaw tightens.

“But I’d finally come to my senses.” The aftermath had been pretty brutal, but I’d survived.

“He wouldn’t get the message. I had to quit my job and get a restraining order against him before he stopped.

” I take a deep, freeing breath. I’ve bottled my emotions within me for two years, but the moment I finish my story, I feel light. Free.

“Is he in violation of the restraining order?” Brody asks me intently.

“No, it was temporary. I let it expire.” I’d told myself that I was being ridiculous. Of course Raymond wasn’t still interested in me. I wasn’t anything special.

But subconsciously, I’d still been afraid. The fear kept me from going to restaurants. It kept me from making friends, and even though I’d been lonely, my fear had kept me from looking for another relationship.

“I’ve never admitted it, but I was afraid of him.

” The weight drops from my shoulders as I say those words out loud and the thick wall of denial around my heart shatters.

“I’ve spent two years pretending otherwise, but I see it now.

” My shoulders straighten with determination.

“But I’d be damned if I’m going to let him take any more time from me.

I’m done hiding from my fear. I’m ready to face it. ”

Brody frowns. “You want to head back to Club M?”

“Not tonight. But next week, yes.” I grab hold of all the courage I have and forge ahead. “I don’t want my only memory of submission to be the one I have now. I thought… I hoped…” I swallow hard. “Will you scene with me again?”

Adrian brushes his lip against my hair. “Once again, we have conditions.”

“Conditions?” Earlier, I’d been nervous. Those nerves are gone now.

“You let us help,” Brody says. “You’re not in this alone.” He strokes my palm with his thumb, the touch slow and hypnotic. “Downing did a number on you. Let us show you a different experience.”

I’ve said ‘yes’ to them before, but it’s never been with a sense of powerful gladness. “I’d really like that.”

“Me too,” Adrian says. “Now, off to bed with you.”

The cabin is open-concept. There’s only one king-size bed. Brody reads my expression and grins easily. “We’ll crash on the couches,” he says. “We’ve slept in a lot worse.”

Maybe, but not tonight. Not if I can help it. “Or you could join me?” I invite, my cheeks coloring. “There’s lots of room.”

I don’t want to have sex with them tonight. What I want is far more basic, yet far more meaningful. I want them to hold me.

I curl up in their arms and close my eyes, and sooner than I expect, I fall asleep.