Page 63 of The Sins of Silas (The Otacian Chronicles #2)

Chapter Sixty-Three

LENA - NOW

“ M y father…he had them…” he whispered, his entire body trembling. “He had them…”

My eyes were wide in horror, and I felt fire surge through my veins as tears poured out of my eyes. My voice broke as I uttered, “You were raped?”

His head fell, his tearful eyes dropping to the ground. “By the time I realized what was going to happen, there was nothing I could do. I thrashed and tried to free myself from those fucking chains, but I was trapped,” his voice cracked. “I screamed for my father, begging him to help me. He did nothing.

“I had never felt so helpless in my life. The things they did to me, the things they made me do to them…” His face crumpled. “And to top it all off, my body fucking betrayed me.” Shame shone in his watery eyes as he gazed up at me. “I-I didn’t enjoy it, Lena, I promise , not at—”

I grasped his face with both hands, my eyes burning into his. “I know that…Gods,” I cried softly. “You don’t need to defend yourself, Silas.”

The tears he was holding began flooding out. “The sick fucks got off on violating men. They loved seeing me in fear, begging for it to stop.” He sniffed. “When it was over, I was shaking so badly. They released me from the chains, and I scrambled away, vomiting on the floor. When my father came back and witnessed me puking, he simply said I was pathetic and whipped me once more.”

I wept with him as I lowered my hand, stoking his mangled flesh.

“It wasn’t Roland’s fault,” he cried softly. “He really was helping me. He…I think he actually cared.” He shook his head, eyes squeezing shut. “But after that happened to me, I couldn’t even look at him without seeing them …without being reminded of what happened. So, I pushed him away. I treated him like shit.

“But still, he’s always kept that secret of ours. Still, he has stuck by my side.” Silas released an exhale, his face crumpling when he had the courage to look at me once again. “You must be disgusted with me.”

“Not at all,” I insisted, caressing his back. “Not even a little bit, Silas. Nothing like that would change how I look at you. All I can do is admire your strength.”

He shook his head. “I wasn’t strong. I was a shell of a person then. I thought to myself I would never do anything to get punished again, but it wasn’t as if I did something to invoke it, not anymore.” His eyes slid to the flames that warmed us. “Every week, I would get put through it all over again. And I was promised it would only stop when I endured it with no emotion, no expression .

“And Gods did I fucking try, but it was impossible. I tried to focus on the only thing that had ever brought me happiness to get me through it.” His eyes found mine. “You. But all I could think of when I thought of you was your burnt corpse in your cottage and…” His voice cracked, and he covered his face.

“Silas,” I cried, wrapping my arms around him and holding him close.

He wept into the nook of my neck for a few moments before pulling away and wiping his eyes.

“It was almost three months of being raped and beaten every week,” he said quietly. “Right before that final week, I told myself if I failed one more time, if I broke just one more time, I would end my life. I couldn’t go through it any longer.

“As I was lying there the final time, preparing for what they would do, I remembered what you told me when I last saw you. ‘You will not give up. You will not break.’ Do you remember telling me that?”

I nodded. “Yes,” I breathed. “I do.”

“I heard your voice telling me that. Over and over and over again. I willed myself not to react. To go elsewhere. No matter what they were doing to me or having me do to them. I had to have repeated it hundreds of times, thousands.

“When they were done with me, when my father returned, I was lying in the bed, expressionless. All he said was, ‘Well done,’ and left.” Silas let out a broken laugh, more tears spilling down his face. “I thought I would break down, cry tears of joy that I had finally done it. But I felt nothing .” His guilt-ridden eyes roamed over me. “I realized that even though I had done what he had asked, and your words guided me through it, I did, in fact, break.” His face crumpled. “I lost my fucking soul in the process. ”

I was sobbing silently, now holding his hands in mine.

“That’s why when you were violated under my authority…” A muffled sob broke free of him, and he shook his head. “The thought of you going through that…Gods, I had never felt so angry in my entire life.”

“You saved me,” I reminded him gently.

His face became pained. “It was my fault you were in that position.”

I went to protest, but Silas continued his story.

“Once my emotions had successfully been turned off, I found each of those men. I enjoyed killing them. I took my time and strung their lives on for hours before I finally ended them for good.” His jaw feathered as he recalled those memories. “After that, I began to kill effortlessly, intent on eradicating the people I thought responsible for killing my mother and you. Killing became…enjoyable to me.

“I didn’t have sex for months after that all happened, but once I did…” He exhaled, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I fucked so many women, Lena. Multiple at one time. So many that I couldn't even give you a number. The sex was a wonderful distraction. But I was always left feeling empty afterward. Same with the killing. But that is all I have known for the last five years, is fucking emptiness.”

His eyes lifted to mine. “The only time I felt any desire for a man was with Roland, and really, I think it was because of my loneliness. I have never stared at a man and felt aroused, especially after what happened to me.”

He took his free hand and cupped my face. “But that’s why I had no fucking right making you feel gross or dirty for what little you’ve done. Even if it wasn’t a little, even if it was as much as I’d done, I would never think less of you for that.” His pained eyes held mine. “I never meant any of it. I just wanted to hurt you—to push you away.”

“I really felt like damaged goods after all that, but not because of what you said. I just felt it in general,” I replied softly. “Please don't feel bad for what you said.”

“Damaged goods?” He frowned, his hand caressing my cheek. “You aren’t an object. You aren’t any less of a prize because you’ve found pleasure in others. Your value doesn’t lessen.” His golden eyes flitted downward. “If that were the case, then I’d be worthless,” he said quietly.

“You are worth everything,” I whispered sincerely, bringing the hand of his I held up to my lips and giving it a kiss.

His eyes met mine, and his hand slid back, his fingers lacing through my hair. “ You are worth everything. Worth more than all the gold in Tovagoth, all the gems and jewels in every royal chamber, worth more than all the paintings and artifacts in the temples.” He pressed his lips to my forehead. “Priceless, Lena,” he whispered. “You are priceless. That will never change.”

He sniffed again, pulling his lips away. “Crying over Saoirse’s body…that was the first time I have cried in years. And Gods, there were moments I wanted to. But my body wouldn’t let me.”

“I’m…I’m so sorry, Silas. I should have been there…I should have been there...”

His broken smile killed me. “When I first saw you were alive, I was so, so angry. I was furious that I had suffered so much and even angrier that it was your choice to leave without telling me. Even though I understood why.” He wiped away my tears. “Not only was it never your fault, but in fact, I’m so grateful you left. Because if my father would have found out about you, and he would have, he would have tortured and killed you…and would’ve made me watch. And I never would have recovered from that. Ever.”

I leaned forward, kissing the tears off his cheeks. His eyes shut, a soft sigh releasing from his lips.

“I am so sorry I was ever upset with you. I had no right,” I apologized.

“Never be sorry to me, ever again,” he insisted, then drifted his gaze toward the ground. “I was a much better man with you in my life,” he said quietly. “But that’s why I hide my back. I’ve just told Era not to ask about it, and she has listened. I never wanted anyone to ask or show me pity. Be reminded of it. I’m just so ashamed of it all.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Silas. You did what you had to in order to survive . The person who should be ashamed is your father.”

He just shook his head.

“I failed you, Lena. I failed my kingdom. Myself…my mother…” His lip wobbled. “You were right when you said my mother would be horrified to see me like this.”

“Silas,” I cried as I held his face. “You have not failed. Look at where we are and what you have sacrificed to do the right thing.”

His face crumpled. “You must be so disappointed in me,” he cried softly. "I am so ashamed of who I have become.”

“Quill,” I whispered as I went to sit on his lap, my legs on either side of him. “I have loved you since the first day I met you,” I said with tenderness, his eyes filling with more tears. “And I will love you forever. No matter what, don’t you understand that?”

He snaked his arms around my waist. “No, I do not. I don’t understand how anyone could love me after all that. ”

I stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead, pulling back to stare into his eyes again.

“I am not the man you used to love, Lena.” The muscle in his jaw feathered before he continued, “I have done unspeakable things. I have tortured and killed hundreds of people. You can’t just…you can’t just go back to the person you were before all of that. I will forever be haunted by not only everything that has happened to me…but everything I have done.”

I held his face as I spoke. “I forgive you,” I expressed. “My love for you is limitless, Silas. Unchanging, no matter what you’ve done. Even if you had never saved my people, and we were all being hung. I would’ve been heartbroken and angry…but I would’ve looked into your eyes as I died, and still, I would’ve loved you.”

He shifted his head in refusal, eyes shining from the pooled tears. “I am not deserving of your love, Lena.”

“You are deserving of it, and so, so much more. It doesn't matter to me that you aren't the man I used to love…because I love you just as you are now.” I pulled him into my chest and held him as he finally broke, unleashing a heartbreaking sob.

“I will love every version of you, my Soul-Tie,” I whispered.

“I love you so much,” he wept. “I am so sorry…”

I hushed him, holding him tightly, my own tears coursing down my face. I stroked his hair and told him I loved him, just like all those years ago.

“He can’t hurt you anymore,” I whispered. “Never hold back your feelings around me. I will always be a safe person for you, okay?”

He squeezed me tighter, my chest muffling his cries.