Page 59 of The Sins of Silas (The Otacian Chronicles #2)

Chapter Fifty- Nine

SILAS

“ F ucking hell,” Merrick muttered, pulling at his hair, releasing a dry laugh. “We really just can’t catch a break.”

“The good thing is we don’t have to travel through their kingdom to reach the shore. We'll avoid them and head to Lena's destination,” Hendry responded, squinting at the map he withdrew from his bag. “Though we’ll be close to the outer edges. We could be spotted.”

“How are we to get over that large ass body of water?” Roland asked, crossing his arms.

“Me,” Dani stated, flipping her blue hair over her shoulder as she sat in our circle. “I can shift into a sea dragon—one big enough for you all to join the ride.”

“A sea dragon?!” Edmund’s green eyes bulged. “Does such a thing exist? ”

Dani grinned at him. “In ancient Warlock lore, there are illustrations of sea dragons—history of them existing at one point or another. They may be extinct now, but that passage is enough for me to be able to shift into one.”

“Won’t that be a lot on you?” Viola asked tenderly, sitting beside her on the ground.

The Warlock’s cobalt eyes shifted to hers, and she gave her a small smile. “It will be. I’ll need a lot of rest afterward.” Her smile turned lazy. “You may need to carry me after we arrive.”

Viola laughed through her nose, bashfully glancing away.

“If you all could use your forcefields on Dani’s back, so long as we swim away fast enough, we should be able to get away without a scratch,” I said, taking the map from Hendry’s grasp. “Immeron said he wasn’t sure we humans would be accepted.” I tilted my head up, an eyebrow raised as I studied Lena through my lashes. “What’s our plan if that occurs?”

She held my gaze, looking at me as if I were an outsider or something.

Something was different. Off.

“Two of us can stay behind if you’re not allowed in,” she proposed. “Viola, you should probably be one of them in case they need to make an escape.”

“I can stay back, too,” Merrick offered.

“You don't wish to see your people?” Era asked him, tucking her blond hair back. “You don’t want to go?”

The corner of his lip turned up. “I do,” he said softly. “But you guys will need any protection you can get.”

“See, I knew Merrick cared,” Edmund crooned, wrapping his arm around the Empath and squeezing tight .

A slight flush crept up his cheeks at my friend's nearness. Merrick shot him a nasty scowl, shrugging him off.

Elowen giggled. “I love seeing you guys get along.”

"That's getting along to you?" Merrick mumbled.

Elowen stuck out her tongue at him just as I said, "Merrick, can I talk to you? Privately?"

The Empath frowned but offered me a quick, “Sure."

He stood, and the two of us went to speak in private. Merrick asked no questions, so I could only assume he was aware of what was wrong.

Finding a room on one of the lower levels—a storage room holding various religious artifacts—I attempted to shut the door behind us when a foot prevented me from doing so.

My eyes flitted up to meet Torrin's. “I think you'll want me here,” Torrin said, and Merrick sighed.

What does that mean?

I glared at him, allowing him entry, and upon shutting the door, I began to speak. “What is going on with Lena?”

Torrin's eyes slid to Merrick's, his arms crossing. “Tell him, Mare.”

I could see the resemblance between the two as they stood beside each other, especially as Merrick's eyes turned charcoal, just a shade darker than Torrin's deep brown.

“Lena and I performed a spell,” he began slowly. “Her memories, her feelings for you, became too much to bear.” He winced. “She…she wanted to forget.”

No.

I blinked.

No fucking way.

“You made her forget me?” I asked in a dangerously low voice.

“Not forget you. But all romantic interactions.” Merrick puckered his lips, blowing out a shaky breath in an attempt to calm his emotions. “It’s not forever. It can be undone. Dani said so.”

I crept toward him, Merrick flinching as I yelled, “Dani helped with this?!”

As if knowing what the three of us would be discussing, the blue-haired Warlock pushed open the door.

“Yeah, I did.” She waltzed inside, shutting the door closed with her hip.

My furious eyes found hers. “Undo it,” I growled.

She crossed her arms, her gaze narrowing. “She told me what you said to her.”

“I went right back to her after our talk, and she was gone!" I choked out a bitter laugh. "I guess you lied when you advised, ‘be honest.’”

At her silence, I grasped one of the Goddess statues resting on the shelves beside me and whirled it toward the wall behind her, the ceramic shattering upon impact.

Dani bared her teeth as I shouted, “You think this is the solution, Dani?!” My eyes went to Merrick’s, then Torrin’s. “Does she know everything?”

Merrick shook his head, jaw clicking. “No. Not everything.”

“What don't I know?” she asked lowly.

I met her stare with vicious regard, my lip curling. “The only reason I had a change of heart is because I saw Lena in Ames the day my people attacked.”

Her frown deepened, not understanding.

I took in an unsteady breath. “I met Lena when I was sixteen…the first day my mother let me out of the castle. Every week, my mother would allow me to sneak out, and every week, I met with her.”

Dani’s pupilless eyes broadened. “You two knew each other?”

“We didn’t just know each other. She was my best friend.” My voice broke. “She was the love of my life.”

“Lena faked her death when she escaped Otacia. Silas didn’t learn of her survival until they crossed paths in Ames,” Merrick said quietly.

Dani's hand slowly covered her mouth. “Oh, my Gods…so much makes sense.”

“Their history has saved our people up until this point,” Torrin said. "Without it, I fear there will be consequences.”

“Their history wasn’t completely erased,” Merrick deflected. “The friendship is still there.”

“Our friendship was always laced with flirty banter. We had feelings for each other since the beginning,” I responded gravely. “I guarantee she remembers hardly anything.”

“I…I didn’t know,” Dani breathed.

“I don't care. Undo it,” I repeated.

“I can’t.” She pointed to Merrick, cringing as she did so. “The spellcaster must be the one to reverse the spell.”

Merrick lifted his shoulders, raising his nose to meet my glare. “I won’t do it.”

I slowly angled my body toward him. “I will knock your fucking teeth out,” I seethed.

Ice surrounded Merrick’s fingertips as he replied, “I’m not scared of you.”

Torrin gripped his shoulder. “Let’s all calm the fuck down.” His dark-brown eyes locked on mine. “No one’s teeth are getting knocked out. ”

My fists shook at my sides. “So, what, she’ll go the rest of her life not remembering what she and I had?”

Merrick's eyes remained dark as he eyed me. “If it makes her happy, why are you so against it?”

“Because it’s not fair! It’s not fair that after all I’ve suffered, all I have endured, she gets to just forget it all!”

The room was silent for a moment. “You could forget, too,” Torrin said quietly.

I laughed incredulously. “Oh, I’m sure you’d just love that, wouldn't you, Torrin? Considering you stole her away and proceeded to fuck her.”

Merrick’s eyes enlarged, darting over to his cousin’s. “What?”

Torrin clenched his jaw. “It wasn’t like that,” he bit out.

“Is he telling the truth, Merrick?” I asked, my eyes not leaving Torrin’s.

Merrick’s silence was answer enough.

“You can say you wished for her safety. Say it was some unknown seer that forced you to take her away. But you wanted her, didn’t you? Even back then.” This damn conversation was going so far off-topic, but I couldn't reel in my resentments.

“I’ve always known she was yours,” he said quietly. “Which is why I agree that Merrick should give her back her memories. But if he refuses, perhaps that burden could be taken from you as well. Perhaps we should all wipe the slate clean.”

“No,” Dani shook her head. “This is not why Leroy gave over Potestas Verae Maleficis . Hiding from your emotions, from reality, is not a fix.”

I shot her a harsh glare. “Where were these beliefs of yours a few nights ago? ”

She chewed on the inside of her cheek, then shrugged in defeat. “I fucked up, okay? I just wanted to help.”

I scoffed, my focus sliding to the Empath. There was no kindness in my tone as I said, “You will undo the spell one way or another, Merrick.”

Ice crawled up his hands. “If you really do love her, Prince, allow her some peace. Even if only for a short while.”

I had stormed out right after hearing Merrick's stupid advice.

Allow her some peace.

I laughed to myself as I thought about how ridiculous that request was. Was I allowed peace when I believed she'd burned to death? Was I granted peace when my…when…

I quickly shook my head, covering my eyes.

Don't think about it.

I couldn't sleep, so I snuck away from Era's side later that evening. Now, I found myself perched on one of the many balconies this temple sported, this one a few levels down.

I clutched Saoirse's kitten doll, running my fingertip along one of the loosened beads that made up the cat's eyes. Her death wasn't an act. There was no chance I'd run into her five years from now, discovering she had somehow survived.

I couldn't stop seeing her face…the hope that lay behind those big, blue eyes. She had really believed I was saving her.

I thought of all the Mage children kept in the castle, locked away, being raised for slaughter.

I would free them. I would free them all.

I found it hard to believe I was okay with such sickening behavior…that I had committed such ruthless acts.

I had lost myself to grief. To pain. To him. Now, here I was, attempting to reassemble all the broken pieces. No, there was no fixing me, no putting me back together. I could only try to undo as much of the damage I had caused as possible, even if no amount of righteous acts would erase my sins.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt a nudge on my back. When I looked over my shoulder, Lena was staring at me.

My brows lifted, shocked at the idea she was coming anywhere near me. It must have confused her greatly, having me spew out all my feelings earlier.

I took a steadying breath, grasping the railing with one hand and Boots with the other, as Lena stepped beside me. “What’s on your mind?” she asked gently.

I ran my hand down the doll's fabric. “How unfair this life is,” I whispered. I rotated my head, staring down at her. “What's on your mind?”

Her jaw clicked as she stared up into the night sky. The moon loomed over us, stars shimmering above. “I’m afraid,” she whispered after a moment. “I’m afraid…not only of crossing those in Wrendier but afraid that Nereida is nothing but a myth. That we’ve risked so much for nothing.”

I carefully placed the doll back in my bag and then put a hand on her shoulder, those stunning eyes hesitantly meeting mine.

“It hasn’t been for nothing,” I insisted, my eyes softening as they searched her face. “I now have allies in both Forsmont and Faltrun. Those with magic rule in both. I’d say we’ve made great progress. ”

I offered her a genuine smile, one that didn't come out much anymore, and I was stunned when she pulled me into an embrace, her head resting against my chest.

“Thank you, Silas,” she whispered. “For everything. I couldn't imagine doing this all without your help.”

My arms surrounded her a moment later, squeezing her against my body. I breathed in her scent, my nose drifting against her hair. “I couldn't imagine doing this without you, either,” I whispered back.

She pulled away gently, smiling up at me as her arms returned to her sides.

My face became pained as I searched hers. “Do you remember a few nights ago?”

I knew she didn’t. But still, maybe I could get through to her. Maybe it would trigger something.

“Do you remember our time in Otacia?" I pushed. “When we were younger?”

She frowned, eyes skating the ground. “I remember…” She laughed through her nose, raising her gaze. “I mean, there’s not too much to remember. Other than the training. I still appreciate that, you know.” She tilted her head to the side. “Why?”

I clenched my fists. “Do you remember Amethyst Pond?”

“You know of that place?”

“You don’t remember those lowlifes from Serpent’s Cove—how I killed them while you were in the water?”

She thought about it. “No…” she replied slowly. “Silas, are you okay? Maybe you had a bad dream?” Her green eyes studied me with concern.

I let out a shaky exhale. “How could you do that fucking spell?” I gritted out, my face contorting .

She retreated a nervous step. “What spell?”

I ran my hand through my hair and then, after a few seconds, I charged toward her.

Nervously, she backed away. “W-what are you doing?!”

I seized her neck, not roughly, but enough to keep her in place as I pushed her against the building's wall. “How is it fair that your memories get wiped, yet I have to live with mine?” I hissed. “Should I ask Merrick to take mine away, too? Is that what you want?!”

Her eyes bulged. “Merrick…he took my memories?”

I released her neck. “You begged him to!” I cried. When I cupped her face, her green eyes went broad. “You really don’t remember anything between us?” My voice broke. “The Summer Solstice festival? Our…our first time?”

She choked on a breath, eyes flitting between mine. “Silas…I…I am so confused.” She chewed on her lip. “Have you…did you have something to drink?”

My hands slipped away in defeat, even as I asked one more question. “Do you remember my nickname for you?”

The crease between her brows deepened. “A name? No…”

“Fuck, Lena.” I buried my face in my palms. “Fuck.”

The silence was deafening, nothing but crickets singing in the trees. That is until Lena replied, “My nickname was ‘Fuck’ ?”

I glared at her through my fingers. “Not funny,” I muttered.

She crossed her arms. “I always wondered what you’d look like drunk.”

Incredulously, I slapped my palms on my thighs. “I am not drunk!”

She quirked her lips to the side.

“I’m not!”

She giggled, and Gods, if it wasn’t the finest sound. She held her hand above her lips as her chuckling died down, her hand eventually falling to her side. She raised her head to gaze at me.

Something shifted in those beautiful green eyes as she beheld me, something I had seen in them many times before.

Desire.

A smirk spread across my face. “Oh, Flower.” I cocked my head to the side, and her breathing fastened. “You may not remember all that I have done to you,” I purred, stroking her cheek with my fingertips. “But it seems I still affect you the same.”

She blinked rapidly. “Stop fucking with me, Silas,” she breathed. “Where is this coming from?”

I debated my next move. I wanted so badly to drag my tongue along her lips. But I remained quiet, studying her perfect mouth,

“You said…you said we made love?” she asked mutedly.

My eyes flicked back to hers. “We did. Just a few nights ago. I…” I sighed, running my hand through the hair at her neck, cradling her head. “I was an ass afterward because I was hurting. Because I was angry with myself. I shouldn't have taken it out on you.”

“We…” She licked her lips, then swallowed. “You cheated on Era…with me? Why?”

“Because Lena…” I sighed. “I'm in love with you.”

Her widened eyes never faltered, not as she shook her head, her lip curling.

I leaned closer, speaking in her ear. “And you can't comprehend that, can't understand it, because you've forgotten that you're in love with me, too.”

I released her, swallowing down my shame at the look of contempt on her face .

My own lip wobbled as I took her in. This woman I loved more than anything. “Lucky you, I suppose. My peace of mind perished the moment I met you. You've branded my soul, marking it as yours, even after all this time.” I swallowed, Lena's disdain shifting to sorrow as my words poured out of me. “Or perhaps the Goddess Celluna really did forge that bond between us. I sure as hell feel it now more than ever.”

I lifted my fingers, lightly tracing the freckles that danced along her nose, along her cheeks. Her eyes fluttered closed, accepting my gentle touch.

“Nevertheless,” I murmured, “even with all the pain that has come with loving you, I would never choose to forget the beauty of the moments we shared. Because for me, those moments with you are the only beautiful memories I have.”

I let my fingers fall away, my hand drifting back to my side. She stood before me, lips parted, eyes glossy as they opened.

Without her memory, she had no clue how to respond.

I released a shaky sigh, my gaze dropping. “Let's just get back upstairs,” I whispered, nodding toward our destination.

She chewed on her bottom lip, averting her gaze. I kept a tasteful distance as I followed her up the steps, sickened by the distance between us.

It didn't matter what I said. To her, I was a stranger.