Page 10 of The Sins of Silas (The Otacian Chronicles #2)

Chapter Te n

LENA

“ T hank Ravaiana!” Elowen had cried, hopping off the horse and twirling around. “I never wish to travel through there ever again!”

It was another twenty-four hours after Roland awoke that we had made it out of Half-Life Pass, and that final day had dragged the longest. I hadn’t gotten Roland's kiss out of my head. To make matters worse, as we were riding on our horse, he’d sneak pecks on my neck when no one was looking. I wasn’t even fighting him anymore, nor was he teasing. We simply wanted one another.

It took three more evenings until we could see Forsmont in the distance. We would arrive in the morning. The lights from the kingdom shone like stars from this far away, and I couldn’t wait to sleep in an actual bed again…so long as everything went well once we arrived.

And a shower. Gods, I couldn't wait to shower.

“Are you cold?” Edmund asked Elowen as she shivered beside him. The wind tonight was cooler, but still pleasant for a summer evening. We managed to travel with a couple of bottles of mead, waiting to drink until we were near our destination. I was enjoying the slight buzz it gave me.

“A little,” she whispered with a smile, and Edmund opened up his arms. She snuggled in closer to him and kissed him on the lips, the action causing Merrick to grunt in distaste.

“Is there a problem?” Edmund asked after pulling his lips away, his tone causing my eyes to widen. Never once had he stood up to all of Merrick’s displeased words or actions.

We all looked at Merrick, whose eyes darkened. “My problem is you messing with Elowen’s feelings.”

“Merrick—” Elowen began.

“No, El. I’m sorry, but I still do not love whatever—this—is,” he said, twirling his hands toward them.

“Listen, pal, it’s clear that you’re into Elowen,” Edmund said calmly, his back straightening. “I don’t think she returns the feeling. So, get over it.”

Viola and I choked, and Elowen’s hand flew to her mouth, suppressing a chuckle.

Merrick gave him an incredulous look laced with disgust. “I sure as fuck hope she wouldn’t return that feeling, considering she is my sister!”

At the sight of Edmund’s mouth falling open, the three of us burst out laughing, Edmund’s face heating. Even Merrick couldn't hold back his smile as he shook his head and covered his eyes. The others bit down their smiles.

“O-oh.” Edmund cringed as he rubbed the back of his neck .

“Looks like you royally misread that, buddy,” Roland teased, chuckling as he patted the soldier on the back.

Merrick and Elowen had vastly different features. His skin was fair, hers dark, and his hair was white, hers pink. I could see similarities in their faces. Though, to someone with no knowledge of their relationship, it was understandable not to put two and two together.

Elowen giggled. “You are so cute,” she whispered to him and kissed his cheek. “Merrick is overprotective, not for that reason, though.” She shivered in repugnance at the thought. “We only share the same father, which is why we don’t look entirely alike.”

“Well, a brother is a good person to have your back, I suppose,” he mumbled, then gave Merrick an embarrassed grin. “Sorry, man.”

“I could puke,” Merrick muttered, and Edmund chuckled.

“So,” Elowen continued, “we all have been traveling for how long now, but we don’t really know much about one another.” Her eyes went to Silas and Erabella. “How did the two of you meet?”

My smile quickly faded. That was the last thing I wanted to hear about. Silas shifted in his seat and quickly glanced away from me.

“Well,” Era answered. “We met at Silas’s betrothal ball. In fact, I met him in a hallway I wasn’t supposed to be in.” She laughed softly. “He decided to marry me before even attending the ball, and when we entered together, he introduced me as his fiancée.”

“Just like that? You don’t get to know each other beforehand?” Viola asked, sipping on the mead.

“That’s not how betrothal balls work,” Silas replied. “Typically, you meet the proposed woman and her father and see what the joining of their family has to offer the kingdom.” He took a sip of his drink. “It is more for politics than anything. So, meeting Era by herself felt more…genuine.”

When Era smiled, eyes dropping to the fire, Silas wrapped his arm around her and pulled her into him, kissing the top of her head.

Yep, that hurts.

I took a large gulp of my drink, wishing it would knock me the fuck out.

“What about you guys? Merrick?” Era gave him a smirk. “Since you’re not into your sister.”

His eyes darkened at her, and he chuckled at her joke. I watched his eyes flick to Viola, then back to the Otacian Princess. “Nothing serious for me just yet, though I did have a crush on Lena when she first came to Ames.”

I glanced at him and smiled at the memory.

“You didn’t like him back, Lena?”

I tensed, then glimpsed back at her. “I…I just wasn’t in a place where I was interested in a relationship.”

“How come?”

“Era…” Elowen warned.

She shifted her attention to Elowen, her brows crinkling.

“It’s okay.” I sighed. My eyes flicked up to Silas, who shared his wife’s perplexed expression. I drifted my stare back to Era.

I could feel everyone’s eyes on me.

“I lived in Otacia for almost six years. It’s the only place other than Ames that felt like home.” I inhaled, feeling nervous to continue.

Was it stupid to say I was in love? Was I too young at the time to know what that was ?

I continued anyway. “I was in love with a boy I met when I was sixteen. When the King put a kill order out for Mages, my mother and I had to leave, and because I couldn't tell him about what I was…I just left. Leaving him to believe I was dead.” I couldn’t meet Silas’s eyes. “I just…I hadn’t been able to move on. Not that soon.”

“Well…what about later on? Unless Merrick wasn’t interested…”

Elowen sucked in a sharp breath, Merrick shaking his head.

“It’s okay, really,” I told them, then turned toward Era. “When I left for Ames, I grew sick during my travel. Vomiting, fatigue, I thought I had caught a stomach bug or something.” My hands began to shake, and I quickly clasped them together. “It…It wasn’t until a few weeks into our journey I realized I had fallen pregnant.”

It grew quiet, everyone’s eyes widening, and I laughed humorlessly to myself. “My mother left my father with no explanation when she fell pregnant with me. She couldn't bring herself to tell him the truth about who she was. It felt as though history in some way was repeating itself.” I smiled sadly to myself, my eyes scanning the ground. “It was a small piece of hope that I had, a small piece of happiness that I couldn't be with the one I loved, but I had a part of him. It wasn’t until…” I took in a shaky inhale. “It wasn’t until nearly two months after we reached Ames—I was a few months along then—that I…I lost the baby.” Tears fell down my face, and I quickly wiped them away with the backs of my hands.

Merrick gently placed a hand on my back, dragging his thumb along my spine. “I couldn't look,” I choked. “I didn’t even know if they were a boy or girl at the time. But Merrick and Elowen were there to take care of me and helped me bury them. ”

I didn’t mention that Torrin was there. How much he was there for me, too. How much he helped.

Torrin always helped.

I lifted my gaze back up to her, and my eyes finally shifted to Silas. His face was void of all emotion, but his eyes—those golden eyes, gave everything away. There were no tears, but they were devastated all the same.

"Elowen told me months later,” I continued quietly. “The baby was a boy."

Silas's lips parted, his shoulders drooping, and I turned my attention back to Erabella as my tears spilled down my face.

“I know that it’s silly…after so much time. I have struggled with the idea of moving on. I have tried…”

I shook my head, wiping my tears, feeling utterly stupid even speaking about this.

Era studied me sympathetically. “It’s not,” she replied softly. “Perhaps he is still in Otacia…what is his name?”

My eyes slowly met Silas's, whose gaze fell to his lap.

“Quill. His name was Quill.” My eyes then met Roland’s, who, for the first time since knowing him, regarded me with pity.

I fucking hated it.

“It doesn’t matter though. There is plenty more I have to worry about right now than a man who has surely moved on from me.” I stood up, needing to get the hell out of here. “Excuse me.”

I sat by a nearby river, making sure to hold my hands in fists to avoid accidentally freezing the whole damn thing .

Part of me felt embarrassed sharing such a personal story. I wondered if they felt it was foolish that I hadn't been able to move on.

I heard footsteps behind me, twigs and leaves crunching under someone's feet. Part of me hoped it was Silas, but who sat down next to me was Merrick.

I peeked over at him as he rested his elbows on his knees. His eyes were laced with worry as he carefully studied me.

“You alright?” he asked gently.

I sucked in my bottom lip and gazed off into the river. “I will be,” I said after a few moments.

We both stared off, the sounds of the running water and crickets filling the air.

Merrick slowly shook his head. “I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out,” he whispered.

My head spun to him. “What?”

He met my eyes. “Silas…Silas is Quill, isn’t he?”

My eyes widened, and my lips parted briefly before I closed my mouth. Then opened it. Then closed it again.

“Don’t bother lying, Lena. I can tell if you lie.”

Damn Empath.

I dropped my shoulders in defeat. “I’m sorry I lied,” I whispered, my lip beginning to tremble. “Or rather, omitted the truth. Please, Merrick, you can’t tell anyone…if they kn—”

“Gods, Lena.” He shook his head and then cupped my cheek. “I’m not going to tell. I just can’t believe you felt like you couldn’t tell me.”

I took in a shaky breath. “I didn’t want you to think I was making a decision simply based on the fact that I loved him before… ”

He frowned, his hand falling back to his lap. “But didn’t you? You saved him from Viola. She would have made the kill shot had you not intervened,” he reminded me.

I sighed and closed my eyes to prevent tears from falling. “It wasn’t just because I loved him. It was because…I knew him better than anyone.” My eyes opened. “Quill—Silas was the most loving person you could imagine. He was brave and smart and…I would have never let him die. Never.”

“And what if you were wrong? What if he had never come around? What if he still saw our kind as monsters? Would you have killed him if it would have saved our people?”

I stilled, looking down at the ground in consideration before meeting Merrick’s now dark eyes once more. “I don’t see how killing him would save our people.”

“But if—”

“No,” I said sternly, and he flinched. “No, I wouldn’t have. Just as he would never have killed me.”

He studied me for a moment, then sighed. “It makes so much sense why I felt what I did from him,” he mumbled.

I blinked. “What?”

His eyes flashed with hurt. “After you were attacked, Elowen insisted I see his intentions before she would heal you. She didn’t want to heal you if he intended on breaking you over and over for answers. She wouldn’t have put you through it.” His jaw ticked. “I felt emotions from him I was not expecting. Sorrow, worry, guilt—” He let out a painful exhale. “So much guilt. But there was one I was surprised to feel. Didn’t understand. I thought maybe he was trying to think of something else.”

“What was it?” I asked, pulling my knees close.

He smiled softly. “Love. ”

My eyes enlarged, and I blinked over and over. Merrick just let out a small laugh. “Don’t act surprised. You just said he wouldn’t have been able to kill you. There’s a reason for that.”

I chewed on my lip. “It’s…complicated.”

“So, was Quill a made-up name?”

I smiled at the question, feeling a miniature sense of relief being able to talk about my past freely. “Yes, and no. When I first met him, he told me it was Quill. I had no idea he was the Prince for the first few months of our relationship. Until I was already in love with him.”

He paused. “Did Torrin know?”

“Yes…he knows everything.”

Merrick dragged his teeth over his lip ring, shaking his head. After a beat, he said, “He got up almost instantly to come to you…Silas.”

My heart sped up. “Just now?”

Merrick nodded. “Roland, too, actually. Silas looked like he was gonna rip off his head. But I just…I had to know.” He placed his hand on mine. “I promise I won’t tell.”

“I know. I trust you.”

His dark eyes faded back to blue. “I’m going to head back now since I know he wants to speak to you. Unless you don’t want that?”

I sighed, my eyes skimming the stars that peeked through the trees. “I’ll head back in a few.”

He squeezed my hand, then stood, the sound of his steps fading away.

And as I lowered my gaze and observed the river, watching as the moonlight bounced off the ripples, I remembered.

Remembered the night I lost my child.

Remembered the night I got my fire.