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Chapter thirty-nine

L ater that evening I finally made the decision to risk the stares and whispers and leave my room in search of Nickolai.

Its been a couple of hours since the luncheon ended, which fortunately was all the ladies had planned for the day.

But after sitting with this new experience, I knew one thing for certain.

This wasn’t me.

I didn’t do luncheons and sip tea while gossiping with women about others.

Nor was I one to do nothing all day but play dress up, even if that was the best part about it.

Still, there was one question consistently going through my head: how do I tell Nickolai that this was all too much?

It was one thing if I wanted to be done with him and the court, but how could I be done with the court and not him?

I ended up finding Nickolai in his office surrounded by mountains of paperwork.

His brows were furrowed as he read over the paper in his hand, causing a line to form between them.

Never had I seen him look so serious and.

. . important. Memories of the other night flooded my mind, making the spot between my legs instantly start throbbing.

I wonder if his desk still smelled like us.

“You best wipe that look off your face. I may be busy, but I will have you dripping wet in a matter of seconds,” he grumbled, at last acknowledging my presence.

I did my best to make my face appear neutral.

As I walked closer, he slid his chair back, allowing me to sit on the edge of the surface.

It was a good thing I switched my poofy dress for a pair of tight pants and a tunic—otherwise the stacks of papers would be on the floor.

Nickolai scooted his chair back in, forcing me to open my knees for him as his hands slid up my thighs. “How was your day?”

“Horrible,” I admitted.

He leaned back in his chair, giving me his full attention. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”

“All of the women were staring at me,” I mumbled, picking at my nails.

“Because you are beautiful,” he said, as if it were a matter of fact.

I shook my head. “No, they were making fun of me.”

Nickolai took a deep breath, exhaling loudly, “I’m sure it will end in time.”

Lifting my eyes to meet his, I explained, “This isn’t my thing. I’m not a lady.”

Nickolai worked his lip between his teeth and after a long moment of silence, he said, “Well, if you're not a lady. . . how would you feel about being a mother?” I felt my heart drop into my stomach.

“What?” I squeaked, unable to move. I’m already a mother . Every second of being a mother was the most rewarding time of my life, but I would never put myself in the position where I could lose another child.

Nickolai leaned forward, pushing my hair behind my ear, “I’ve been thinking. . . we should have another baby.” My mouth was drier than the Whispering Wastes, forcing me to clear my throat as I tried to get it to work again.

“Why would you think that?”

“It might be a way for us to move on,” he said, his voice still hopeful.

I pushed him back, his chair sliding across the floor, allowing me to jump off his desk. “Are you saying we should just replace him?” I asked, instinctively pacing the floor.

He stood. “No, of course not. I was only thinking that maybe it would help us.”

“No,” I said immediately. Shaking my head, I continued, “I don’t want any more children.”

“What?” His eyes were wide with shock. "Why?"

“Because I don’t,” I said, walking away.

Nickolai grabbed my arm, stopping me. “Mira, talk to me.”

Looking away from him, I said, “No, not about this.”

“Fine, I’m sorry. We won’t talk about it.” He paused, trying to figure out what to say next. “And you don’t have to do the court stuff. You can be however you want, as long as you promise to just stay beside me. Look at Nessy, she doesn’t conform to court rules.”

I scoffed, “Nessy isn’t happy.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I immediately regretted them. She had told me that in confidence.

“What do you mean?”

“Forget it,” I said, dropping my head to look at my feet.

“No, I’m not going to forget it. What don’t I know?”

He wasn’t going to let me drop it, especially since this had to do with his sister. Taking a deep breath, I looked into his eyes. “Nessy doesn’t like being the commander. She feels trapped—lonely.”

Nickolai’s eyes were wide and his voice quiet as he said, “I had no idea.” We stood there for a few moments, silence filling the room around us.

He eventually cleared his throat, announcing, “Mira, I’ll help Nessy.

But right now I need to know that you’re going to be alright.

” I shifted my gaze down to his chest before nodding slightly.

I couldn’t stand seeing those eyes as I lied.

He leaned in, kissing me gently on my forehead before turning around to go back to his desk.

I was dismissed.

The next morning I awoke early, having slept in my room alone.

Nickolai had sent a letter to me last night saying that he would be working late into the evening.

Basically a “don’t wait up” note. I had half a mind to check on him, but I was still reeling from our argument in his office.

Part of me knew that if we worked out he would at some point ask for more children, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so soon.

At least now he knew what he was signing himself up for.

When I was finally able to drag myself out of bed, it was nearly time for training. I quickly threw my hair up in a haphazard bun and made sure to add an extra layer of clothes for the run. Even with winter coming early this year, Loughlan still insisted on us running outside.

As I made my way down to the gym, I stopped to listen at the door to Nickolai’s office to see if he was still in there, and was met with the deafening sound of silence.

Not even the crackle of the fire, that I had come to notice was always lit, sounded through the door.

It finally occurred to me that the room was warded.

Of course he warded his personal office.

At the thought, a small selfish part of me relaxed at the fact that no one was able to hear what we did in there the other night.

Not that people didn’t find out some other way.

Loughlan surprisingly reached the gym right as I was, but the sight of him quickly froze me in my tracks. “What are you wearing?” I asked incredulously.

He looked down at his shorts and sleeveless tunic before throwing up his hands in question. “Workout clothes?”

“Umm, maybe if we were working out in the summer.”

“In the summer, I work out naked,” he said with a wink.

I rolled my eyes, “Go figure.” We pushed open the doors simultaneously to reveal a down pouring rain that must have just started. Casting a sideways glance at him, I said, “You are out of your mind if you think I’m running in that.”

“A little rain never hurt anybody,” he said, going out to stand in the downpour and getting drenched immediately—the water clinging to the feathers of his wings.

“Nope, I’ve endured your training through every weather there is, but I draw the line at a hurricane. I’m running inside,” I said, turning around.

“Okay, wait—”

Glancing over my shoulder, I expected him to be following me, but instead he had his arms held out to his sides, palms up to the sky, as a look of concentration fell over his face.

The rain around him became lighter and lighter until all of the sudden it stopped.

He finished it off by snapping his fingers to dry off his clothes, like Nickolai has done before.

“How did you do that?” I asked, my voice giving way to my astonishment.

“I’m a god,” Loughlan smirked. The smile fell from my face, and I leveled him with a look that made him chuckle. “I’m kidding! My seal is weather manipulation.” He explained.

“Then how did you dry your clothes?”

“That would be one of the perks of being able to channel.”

I felt my brows furrow, “Channel?”

“Do you know nothing?” he asked in shock.

I walked outside, ready to start our run now that the weather allowed it. “Apparently not.”

We broke out into a steady jog, warming up our limbs. “Channel the gods,” he explained. “The lucky fae who get magic are allowed to channel their magic to do basic things, such as shielding, drying our clothes, or even conjuring things if they are nearby.”

“How?”

Loughlan cast a sideways glance in my direction. “Are you starting to notice any powers?”

“No,” I answered quickly, too quickly. “I mean I feel stronger, obviously, but I don’t know. . . my whole body is different now and I’m still trying to decipher it. But maybe if I can figure out how it works, I can make powers appear.” I panted, struggling to talk and run at the same time.

Loughlan still looked at me questioningly, but thankfully he didn’t seem to push it.

“For me, I have to imagine the outcome, making sure that I see it clearly in my mind before I can use the power within me to execute my goal. For instance, with my seal, I imagined myself above the clouds drinking all the water out of them. But for others, using their powers can be as easy as breathing.”

I took in what he said briefly, “So if you say the fae channel the gods, that means they are real, right?”

Loughlan let out a quick laugh, “Yeah, they are very much real.”

We rounded the first corner of the castle again, marking the start of our second lap. Loughlan has been starting to increase the number of laps we do around the castle. That week we were doing five.

We ran the rest of the distance in silence as my mind ran over the new information he gave me.

I’d completely given up hope that the gods were real, and now here was someone telling me that they were.

They’re freaking real. And yet where were they when I needed them?

When Aedon needed them? I launched into a sprint, finishing the run in very little time.