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Chapter twenty-two

N ickolai's fingers wound their way to the back of my neck and waist, pulling me closer. This was a bad idea , I reminded myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to stop. My body wouldn’t listen—rebelling against the logical thoughts of my mind.

Unlike before at the cottage, when his hands roamed all over my body, this time they stayed firmly planted, leaving his mouth to do the work as his tongue lightly grazed my bottom lip before he ended the kiss all too soon.

I had to resist the urge to groan in protest—my lips already missing the presence of his.

Moving his hands to gently cup my face, Nickolai rested his forehead against mine, and I grabbed onto his arms for balance.

He made me dizzy with desire, and it took everything in me to stop and take a deep breath—especially one filled with his scent—and not pounce on him.

We stayed, wrapped in each other’s arms, as the melody from the musicians filtered through the trees around us until Nickolai pulled back enough to asked, “Will you dance with me?”

“Here?” I questioned, looking around at the empty landscape of the forest.

He nodded, sending an ache through my chest. Part of me had thought he had been only asking me to dance to give a show to the court, but the fact that what he truly wanted was just a dance with me—the notion made my heart want to skip a beat.

“Okay,” I whispered.

A large cheeky smile spread across his face.

Nickolai’s right hand found my waist once more while his other hand engulfed mine, leaving my remaining one to find its place upon his shoulder.

We let the music carry our steps, and the melody filled me from within.

Before I knew it, I had my eyes closed as we drifted through the trees and I was humming along to the tune.

It was over all too quickly, carrying into the next song that we continued to dance through.

Going and going until I began to tire from the exertion.

We finally stopped and I opened my eyes to find Nickolai’s emerald pools completely trained on me.

“Mira,” he said softly, as his face searched mine.

When he went to speak again, I stopped him, “Nickolai, don’t. . . please.”

“Don’t what?”

I looked down at his chest—unable to watch his face. “Don’t ruin this moment. Whatever you have to say, say it later.”

He leaned forward, lips pressing against my forehead briefly before pulling back enough for him to whisper, “Later then.”

“Thank you.”

Nickolai’s eyes and mask sparkled with the firelight in the distance, drawing his attention for a split second. Excitement bloomed across his face before he looked back at me, “I want to show you something.”

He gave me no time to hesitate as he grabbed my hand, guiding me back to the patio.

Countless lanterns were being passed around to each person.

The light from each one illuminated faces clear out into the field—looking like something from a painting.

Nickolai walked us up to stand in front of the kings’ table with the girls and a few others, where we were each handed a lantern of our own before he turned toward the crowd.

“I want to take this opportunity for us all to create new beginnings. Fresh starts, so to speak. We have all faced many challenges, and we will most likely face many more in the future. But let us take this moment to remember all that we have gained and all that we have lost,” he finished with a small smile, casting a glance at me before lighting his lantern.

My heart sank at his last words, causing my breath to quicken. Dropping my head, I stepped back to reach for Ysabel's arm, gripping it tightly. I tried to focus on where I was and who I was with, but those words kept repeating in my ears.

All that we lost.

“Mira?” Ysabel whispered, before tugging on my arm. I cast a glance at her for a brief second, and she immediately recognized the panic in my eyes. “Shit, come with me,” she said, taking our lanterns and disposing of them on the table.

I nodded, more to myself than to her, as she guided me off the stage, back behind the crowd of people.

Drawing me far enough away to grant me the privacy I needed.

I expected her to maybe sit with me while the panic attack took hold, but as soon as we stopped, she turned to look at me, gripping both of my shoulders.

“Mira, breathe with me.” I kept my eyes focused on the ground, too occupied with trying not to let the grief out. “Mira!” There was a snap in her tone that I hadn’t heard before, which finally drew my gaze to her face.

“Good, now just breathe. In and out. . . in and out,” she said, doing the motions with me. “Focus on the lanterns, on the music and how it echoes throughout the land. Focus on the coolness of the air around us and how your feet must hurt in those heels.”

I did exactly as she said, grounding myself and even going so far as to take it one step further, “My name is Mira Ambros, I am twenty-two years old, and I am at the Harvest Day Masquerade in Iredon, Drine.”

“Good, very good,” Ysabel encouraged, her eyes never leaving mine.

My breaths started to slow and I could feel the world around me becoming clearer by the second from the panic attack that would have no doubt consumed me.

I continued breathing as someone in the distance shouted.

In the next moment, all the lanterns that had been held by the enormous crowd around us released into the sky, filling its blackness with different shapes and sizes of glowing paper.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of it as most of them rose up into the air, with some of them falling back down in need of another push.

After a moment, I looked back at Ysabel, who had her eyes on the sky. I couldn’t contain my gratitude as I swiftly wrapped my arms around her, squeezing tightly. “Thank you.”

It took her a moment to break her shock from the hug, but as soon as she did, her arms wrapped around me—warming the embrace. “Anytime,” she whispered in my ear.

I was at a loss for words to convey precisely how grateful I was to not experience yet another attack. There was no one else in this castle who quite seemed to understand the pain I was going through, and to think about going through it entirely alone. . . it was frightening.

We broke the hug, and she gave me a once-over before asking, “Are you better?”

I nodded my head, unable to stop the smile that pulled at my lips.

Her mouth mirrored mine as she linked her arm around me, pulling me back to our group.

Nickolai cast a concerned glance at me during his discussion with Zeke and Loughlan as we arrived.

I gave him a slight smile—trying to ease his worry enough to keep him at bay.

Just imagining trying to explain the panic attacks to him made my head hurt.

We stood in the back, watching as Nessy tried to secretly sneak pieces of hay onto Loughlan’s half-eaten plate. The crowd was booming as nearly everyone either danced or stood around in deep discussions with others—getting sloppier by the minute.

Two men eventually came up, asking both Ysabel and I to dance, which she accepted for the both of us.

The guy who grabbed my hand was human, and shorter than all of the other males blessed with fae genes.

His copper-brown hair was cut short, leaving his blue eyes on full display as they raked down me body.

I was in too much of a good mood to care.

The band began to play a fast, upbeat song that practically kept us bouncing on our toes the entire time.

We blended into a large group of people dancing around the bonfire, while the ones standing closest to the dance floor cheered everyone on.

I let the music fill me, focusing on the exhilarating feeling of emptying my mind to the beat.

It was endless, bouncing around the patio between the other couples, and by the time the band finished the song, I was out of breath with a wide smile on my face.

“Enjoying yourself?”

I whipped around to find Nickolai standing behind me, looking amused, and if I wasn’t mistaken, somewhat jealous.

“Maybe,” I said, trying and failing to feign boredom.

His smile fell away as a serious expression washed over him, asking, “Are you alright? You disappeared.”

I nodded—my smile falling from my face. He was bound to ask this question, and I needed to stop him now before things got even farther than they already had, it just killed me to finally admit it. “Nickolai, you don’t have to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Check up on me. . . Nothing can happen between us,” I said, holding his stare for as long as I could bear. If the almost panic attack from earlier showed me anything, it was that I was still way too fragile to handle giving any ounce of myself to him or to anyone.

Confusion clouded his features, “Why not—”

The sound of glass shattering cut him off, pulling our attention to the commotion behind him.

We rushed over to find Loughlan locked in a fight with another fae male—a crowd already forming around them.

Nickolai didn’t even hesitate as he jumped into the middle of the fight while I went over to Nessy—who looked both startled and irritated on the sidelines.

Tugging at her arm, I asked, “What happened?”

“I’m not sure,” she said, looking at me with wide eyes. “I turned around when the glass shattered.”

Nickolai and another man pulled the fighters apart, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away from watching the brute strength he exhibited to hold back Loughlan—a man born into the race of the strongest fighters.

Once Loughlan stopped fighting Nickolai’s grip, he was let go.

And with the absolute command that made the air around us go completely silent—Loughlan was ordered back to the castle.

Nessy watched Loughlan retreat before finally deciding to follow him once he disappeared behind the double doors.

I glanced at Nickolai who was in a conversation with the other fighter and he cast me a quick look before his eyes shifted to someone, worry forming on his face.

My body tensed, and I turned around to find Katryn standing before me in a form-fitting black gown with sparkles that twinkled in the firelight, making it look like the night sky.

I plastered a fake smile on my face at the sight of her. “Katryn!” I said, my voice surprisingly light and completely fake. “To what do I owe this honor?”

She threw an arm around my shoulder, wrapping me in a side hug.

The stench of her obscene amount of perfume was too much when she had been standing across the patio, but now it made me want to gag.

My stomach clenched as she ran one of her long nails down the arm of Nickolai’s jacket. I'd completely forgot I was wearing it.

“I want to remind you who you’re messing with,” Katryn threatened sweetly.

“And who is that?” I asked, cutting the theatrics to let my tone convey the disgust I felt for her.

“Someone who is very good at finding out things. . .” she whispered, leaning toward my ear.

My body tensed, betraying me instantly, which caused her to giggle.

Fear began to consume me as thoughts flew through my head, questioning what she could possibly know or think she knows.

All the strength left in my body went into holding back the shakes that were trying to break through each second once again.

I stayed completely still, glaring at her, as she looked at me head-on. “I’m glad we had this little chat! See you soon, Mira,” she finished, drawing out the last part as she walked away, staring back at me.

My gaze found Nickolai who glanced in my direction before nodding and patting the guy on the shoulder in ‘goodbye’ to make his way toward me.

I turned around, not wanting to have any more conversations with him as I teetered on the edge of another spiral.

My legs pushed off the ground in a run. The knowledge that he would try to catch up to me, and make sure I was all right, sending an extra boost into my steps.

I wasn’t all right, and I would never be all right again.

It didn't matter that people stared at me while I ran between the crowd. The only thing I could think about was getting to my room—my temporary safe space.

Nickolai’s footfalls continued behind me while he shouted my name, concern reverberating through each note in his tone.

My heels hit the tile with a enough force to leave a mark, causing my steps to echo throughout the castle.

Just one more flight of stairs . I could feel the reserve I had on my emotions starting to break.

My legs were already beginning to tremble as I took off in a sprint down the corridor with streams of saltwater coating my cheeks.

I burst through the door and all the air that was rushing in and out of my lungs suddenly seized.

The blankets on my bed were thrown off, spilling onto the floor.

Each drawer of the nightstand was open, the contents spilled out in what seemed like a frivolous search.

But my eyes settled on the open trunk with my old clothes scattered among papers and pieces of clothing that weren’t mine.

I want to remind you who you're messing with.

“Mira! What happened?” Nickolai asked, at last beside me, grabbing my face that was still frozen in shock. “Mira, talk to me.” My eyes were still on the mess behind him, which eventually had him turning around to see the catastrophe.

I slowly walked over to the papers that I’d stored away in my trunk, finding shredded pieces of them scattered. All the walls within me came crashing down within a second as the last ounce of strength in my legs went out and I collapsed on the floor.

The clock out in the hall chimed, announcing the arrival of midnight, and the day I had been dreading, causing a defeated sob that had been stuck to finally tear from my chest. My world was crashing around me, and I knew there was no coming back from this.

This was it.

My voice croaked, barely a whisper, as I said, “Today would’ve been his birthday.”

Nickolai’s brows knit together in confusion, “Whose birthday?”

I couldn’t keep it in any longer. My fingers reached for the pulverized pieces of the drawing of two figures, one big and one small, gathering them carefully as if they were made of glass.

Crack after crack, it felt like my whole body was shattering, sending waves of pain through me, as I choked out at last, “Our son’s. ”