Page 82 of Sidhe (The Incubus Saga #3)

The desperation in those words made Sasha pause again. Flashes of the past year sped through his mind, of the beginning when he was the one wading through unrequited love, waiting and hoping that Nathan might one day feel the same and let him touch him.

“Yes…” he hissed in answer.

Those red on black eyes were so close; Sasha turned his head away so he wouldn’t have to look at them. Nathan huffed like he couldn’t believe Sasha was bothered by something so trivial. When he pulled Sasha’s face back toward him, his eyes wore the mask of green.

“I know you know what it’s like. So try to understand. Please. Let me show you. Just for one moment,” Nathan said with the hint of a smirk filling up Sasha’s vision as his hold became gentler. “One kiss to feed the addiction you’ve become for me.”

God . That was low. So low that Sasha didn’t think he could deny Nathan’s request this time.

He remembered well the day they had sparred, and argued, and somehow through it all found their way to slow, which was so much better than nothing.

Sasha had said those very words to Nathan that day, and Nathan had kissed him.

Nathan had kissed him for the first time.

“Please, baby…” Nathan whispered with such pleading, his green eyes damp, his body pressed in close and tight.

Sasha closed his eyes, licked his lips; every part of him was hot pressed up against the wall. “Okay,” he said, partly because he didn’t know how to keep saying ‘no’ to Nathan, and partly because he had to know.

What would this Nathan feel like? It frightened Sasha that he hadn’t been able to feel Nathan the same way after Malak joined with him, only faintly, like an echo, unless they were touching, and even then. Their connection was masked by Malak. Nathan’s emotions were too. But if they kissed…

Sasha opened his eyes. It was easier to imagine kissing a Nathan with green eyes, easier to relax within his hold. The harshness of Nathan’s grip slackened, his smile widening as he nodded and slowly leaned in to give that offered kiss.

There was a rush of emotion that filled Sasha the moment their lips touched, Nathan’s emotions, strong and sharp like Sasha had never known before, because they were mixed up with something else, heightened by Malak .

It felt the same physically, the way Nathan’s lips pressed to his, tongue sliding in smooth, moving languidly with his own.

But Nathan tasted…different. The emotions swirling haphazardly within Nathan tainted the kiss .

It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t darkness or evil that he sensed.

Sasha didn’t know how to describe it. So he moved his hands to Nathan’s shirt and held on tighter.

When Nathan’s hands began to move, one up under Sasha’s shirt, the other sliding his fingertips along the waistline of Sasha’s jeans and just beneath, Sasha nearly succumbed.

As much as it felt different than Nathan alone, Nathan was there, Nathan was a part of it, and Sasha longed for what small part of Nathan he could still feel.

“That’s more like it,” Nathan whispered as he moved kisses along Sasha’s jaw.

“I hate it when you fight me. I hate that you’re all fighting me.

You don’t have to. I can still be me.” The hand beneath Sasha’s shirt trailed back down, joining the one teasing his waistline, and then nimble fingers were slowly unbuttoning Sasha’s jeans and drawing down the zipper.

Sasha trembled, even though the voices in his head were screaming in dissent. Stop. Don’t. It’s not him. But maybe it was, maybe he could be Nathan, Sasha told himself, wanting it to be okay to just give in.

“I want you to be with me because you want to be,” Nathan said while sliding a hand fluidly into Sasha’s jeans. “I didn’t force Jim. I just showed him what he was missing. You’ll see that. Besides, with the power I have now…you know I wouldn’t have to ask .”

Sasha’s eyes went from lustfully hazy to wide and angry in seconds.

Nathan dragged fingers down the length of him through his boxers, the last thin barrier separating skin on skin, and the excitement Sasha had been feeling turned instantly to nausea rumbling low in his stomach.

“Yes, you would ,” Sasha growled, shoving Nathan forcefully away from him, and succeeding no doubt only because Nathan had not been prepared for it.

Sasha shook with anger as he glared at Nathan.

“You have the power to force me to do what you want, and you think…what? That you’re proving you’re still a good guy by not ?

My Nathan would never say that, never even think it.

My Nathan would know the difference.” Sasha quickly started moving along the wall toward the bathroom, watching Nathan’s startled and regretful expression that Sasha refused to believe. “Stay away from me.”

Bolting into the bathroom and slamming the door, Sasha stumbled back and slumped down onto the toilet.

He was still shaking, and not entirely from anger either.

He half expected Nathan to knock down the door, come barging in, and drag him back into the bedroom.

He probably sat there for five minutes before he realized that wasn’t going to happen.

Getting his pulse back to normal proved increasingly difficult.

Sasha knew he had to stay calm, but so much of him was ready to lose it, just start crying into his hands right there on the toilet and never stop.

Instead he got up, took gulps of breath that didn’t really help, and turned toward the mirror.

In the worst of circumstances, an incubus could still look good as long as he was freshly fed. Sasha looked like Hell anyway. His eyes were heavily shadowed, cheeks practically sullen with worry. He looked starved. Defeated. Broken .

Throwing on the cold water tap, Sasha splashed water on his face several times before running damp fingers through his hair.

His red hair. He had missed it when he was human.

Being himself again was a good thing, Sasha knew that, and yet part of him wished they had never switched back, wished they had taken the fool’s way out and tried to fight the war with Nathan as an incubus.

Even if Sasha had ended up dead, stayed dead, at least then he wouldn’t have had to see Nathan like this, see Nathan become the reason they would lose everything.

“Damn it,” Sasha cursed, glaring at his reflection, “get your shit together, Kelly. You have to figure this out. Nathan wouldn’t do this without a plan.

” He dragged his hands back through his hair again, looking down his body to see how heavily he was breathing.

Of course he also saw the way his jeans remained undone from when Nathan had started fondling him.

Bile rose in Sasha’s throat, threatening to force him to the toilet, but he held the urge back.

He zipped his jeans. Buttoned them. He couldn’t lose control, not now.

But he couldn’t keep running from Nathan either.

He couldn’t think too big, about having to save the world.

This was about saving Nathan . And that was something Sasha could always do.

The thought of going back into the room, with that… thing that was and was not the man he loved, terrified Sasha. He knew he had to though, no way around it. If there were consequences waiting for him on the other side of that door because he had refused Nathan then so be it. He had a job to do.

Turning the knob, Sasha threw the door open in a single go, peering out of the bathroom to see if Nathan was waiting for him.

“Nate…?” Sasha called, inching his way into the bedroom.

There was no sign of Nathan, though the main door was still closed.

The window was open, but it had been open before, Sasha was fairly certain.

He moved across the room slowly. Maybe Nathan was taunting him. Maybe he had locked Sasha in the room.

That thought had Sasha dashing over to the main door and throwing it open. It wasn’t locked. He even peered out into the hallway, but discovered it empty. Shutting the door again, he turned back to the room. Maybe Nathan had decided to leave him alone.

Walking over to the window, Sasha gazed for a moment out at the dark night.

There were stars, many of them glittering beautifully since the Gatehouse was far from city lights—though there weren’t city lights anymore if the power was still out everywhere else.

That mask of darkness was gone for them, darkness that had blotted out the sun, moon, and stars for days, but Sasha knew from what Wade told Jim that the rest of the world was still blanketed.

Sasha closed the window, chilled and overcome with the sudden sinking feeling that he was no longer alone.

He whirled around, expecting…something, but the room was empty.

Stepping from the window, he looked around closely at every corner of the room.

There was nothing, but it was too still, feigned stillness.

How was Sasha supposed to sleep like this?

He shook his head at the thought, sighing as he turned back to the window.

Nathan standing just in front of him sprang a yelp from Sasha’s lips. He stumbled back, pulse pounding again in barely the time it took to blink.

“Feeling better?” Nathan stepped up to him, expression not quite friendly, but not sinister either.

“I-I…” Sasha couldn’t form words. Nathan just kept coming at him with slow, measured steps.

“You’ll feel better after you’ve slept,” Nathan said for what felt like the dozenth time, reaching out with his hand toward Sasha’s forehead. “I’m just going to help you sleep, that’s all. Tomorrow will be better. I know you’ll come to understand, baby. Please…don’t fight me anymore.”

Coldness was in Nathan’s voice again, and yet Sasha could feel a dull, lingering sorrow that held him in place. He wished he could move, fight, be more than what he was, but he was helpless as Nathan pressed two fingers to his forehead and everything went instantly black.