Page 22 of Sidhe (The Incubus Saga #3)

Getting Walter setup in his own room, with some extra clothes, and a midnight snack could not have been more surreal for Nathan. He imagined Sasha and Jim felt the same way. Being able to see and talk with Walter, and for Sasha and Jim to do the same, made the Spirit Guide seem so human and normal.

Nathan had so many questions, but it was late, all thoughts of a zombie movie forgotten now, and they didn’t want to wake Alex and Iain. There would be time in the morning to meet and greet with Walter and find out more.

He had explained that he was, “More than human,” but hadn’t elaborated further on what that meant, other than to say he had some abilities that would come in handy beyond just having extensive knowledge that could aid them.

All Nathan wanted now was to sleep. Well, he wanted something else too, but he wasn't sure he could ask. He had ruined things so thoroughly before he left.

Sasha shucked his jeans and started getting ready for bed, but Nathan had already snuck up behind where Sasha was changing, his legs moving of their own accord, body totally ignoring any signals from his brain as he spun the incubus around. Sasha's tongue felt so good against his.

Nathan felt guilty seconds after the kiss began and pulled from Sasha's lips with a gasp. The hand that had grabbed for Sasha's face slid along fingertips until they fell from Sasha's cheek. "Sorry. I just missed you, and so much has already happened since we got back, and I just…I…sorry."

As Nathan turned back around and went for the bathroom, flashes of the last time he and Sasha had been alone in their bedroom ran through his mind in full, awful Technicolor.

"Nathan?" Sasha's voice was close behind him.

Nathan's chest ached and he tried to keep walking away, tried to avoid how much it hurt to remember what he had done.

But Sasha's voice sounded so broken, "Nathan, please ," as lost and as hurt as Nathan felt, only Sasha's pain was Nathan's fault .

Stopping just before the door to the bathroom, Nathan reached out and clutched the doorframe to steady himself, his knees weak, almost shaking. He looked back over his shoulder and saw all the anguish on Sasha's face like a blow to his chest.

"I kinda wanna…hold you all night," Nathan said hoarsely.

"Maybe I wanna do more. But I don't want you thinking it's for the same reasons as the other night.

I want you for you . I need you. I've missed you so damn much.

Because the Veil was Hell without you, baby.

The Veil was Hell with you," Nathan tried to smile off that twisted truth, "but believe me… here without you is worse."

The anguish on Sasha's face seemed to deepen, every ounce of sadness Nathan had ever seen just there , bare in Sasha's expression. And then it cracked, something deep within it breaking, and Sasha was smiling again, moving toward Nathan swiftly to close the gap between them.

"Nathan," Sasha gasped, almost like a laugh, like relief, as he gently hooked a hand around the back of Nathan's neck, "I think we can work something out."

Being kissed by Sasha was so grounding. It wasn't anything like how the parody of Sasha had kissed Nathan in the Veil.

There was possession in the kiss, but with reciprocation, not the lording over of power.

Nathan's real Sasha was gentle, like the first kiss they had ever shared; just soft pressure that Nathan pressed back on, and with only the barest tilt of Sasha's head to connect them deeper, his hand moved from Nathan's neck to gently cup his face.

Nathan shivered, remembered how that first kiss had felt, so surprising, and shattering, because it had changed something within him forever. It changed Nathan and opened him enough to realize that all he had to do was love and the rest would work itself out.

When they pulled apart, Nathan realized his eyes were wet.

All he wanted was to kiss again, to touch Sasha, reminding himself bit by bit that he was no longer in the Veil but safe with a Sasha that loved him.

Nathan wasn't all better, not by any means, but recovery was right there in front of him finally, waiting for him to accept it.

He leaned forward and kissed Sasha again, firmer, but still gentle, still new, like they were starting over from the very beginning. After a year in the Veil, it was starting over.

There was a tremble in Nathan's hands when he first reached for the hem of Sasha's shirt. He wasn't desperate for oblivion like he had been the night he left the Gatehouse, but he did want and need with enough urgency that he was shaking.

"Nathan," Sasha whispered against his lips, warm hands reaching down to take Nathan's and still his trembling.

Sasha helped him then, he didn't push Nathan's hands away, just guided them, lifting the T-shirt up his body until it was off.

"It's okay," the shirt fell to the floor and Sasha reached for Nathan's face with both hands, "I love you. Nothing's ever going to change that."

Another kiss, just as new, like breathing, like coming up out of deep water and breathing again for the first time.

Nathan didn't even realize at first that he had started to back Sasha toward the bed.

It was instinct, moving for a comfortable surface so this could be easier, so he didn't have to struggle to stay standing when his knees were weak.

Sasha smiled when they neared the bed, pulling back and lowering himself onto it with nothing but trust on his face, and love, and encouragement.

Nathan didn't hesitate. He sunk right down into Sasha, kissing again, touching the pads of his fingers to the smooth skin of Sasha's chest. It felt so natural, even as it was fresh, and new, and different.

It didn't feel rushed or wrong like Nathan had feared.

Dave had taken the shadow from Nathan's heart, and though it wasn't yet bathed in light, it knew how to turn toward it and seek the light out.

Nathan's over-shirt was pushed down his arms, his T-shirt pulled up over his head and tossed away, leaving both of them only in jeans. They scooted up the bed as they kissed, smiling throughout it all like they almost couldn't believe they could have this again.

It had been three weeks at least, close to four, since the last time they were together long enough for Sasha to feed. Sasha had to need this more than he was letting show, and Nathan had to wonder what the incubus would have done if he had been in the Veil for longer than a week's time on Earth.

They shared a smile as they came up for air, but Nathan wasn't sure what to do next. Well, he knew what to do . It was just difficult to undress Sasha the rest of the way when his hands were shaking.

Sasha must have known, must have been able to feel Nathan's internal struggle, because he reached down and undid his own jeans, shimmying out of them and looking up at Nathan with all that trust radiating.

When it was only cotton separating them, and Nathan could feel Sasha intimately through the thin barrier of their boxers, his breath hitched and he shivered, like he was a damn virgin and had never done this before.

"Here," Sasha rolled them, letting Nathan be the one lying on the mattress so he could catch his breath.

It would be easier with Sasha leading, but that thought made Nathan's breath hitch again, for a different reason, thinking of how the fake Sasha had forced things on him so many times.

"It's just me, Nathan," Sasha said quietly, gently, like he knew . "It's just me."

The first touch of Sasha palming Nathan through his boxers, testing the waters with a light caress, was a rush . Nathan had forgotten what it felt like to go slow, to ease in and love each other instead of taking, taking what only one of them wanted.

Then the second touch came, the third, sensation pouring so quickly through Nathan that he was jerking up into Sasha's hand before he knew it, finished already like a god damn twelve year old.

" Fuck ," Nathan grit his teeth, closing his eyes so he didn't have to look at Sasha. It didn't matter that this was unprecedented circumstances or what they had been through, it was still embarrassing to lose himself that quickly.

"Nathan," Sasha laughed, "you don’t actually think this means we have to call it quits already, do you?" He started sliding off Nathan's boxers, used them to clean the mess, and tossed them to the floor with the rest of their clothing.

Nathan peeked open his eyes at the redhead above him.

Sasha looked so damn amused, but still loving, still wanting.

"Well, I…guess it's not like I can't go another round, right?

" He was still hard—typical for him when a quick one got off—but that meant it would take a lot before he would be able to come again.

Nathan hated that he had allowed memories of the Veil to sneak up on him.

It wasn't hard anymore to separate his Jim and Sasha from the fake ones Malak had conjured up.

He knew his boys were his , the way they should be.

But the memories were still so close at the back of his mind.

A year was a long time to believe a lie.

"Nathan, are you okay?" Sasha asked, rolling to the side but close against him.

"Yeah, I…just gotta remind myself once in a while…where I am."

Looking at Sasha, holding that bright blue gaze, Nathan reached over and began palming the redhead the way he had been palmed, right through thin cotton.

Sasha was hard as steel beneath his boxers.

Sure, he had to have fed a little off of Nathan's quick-draw a moment ago, but it wasn't the same as the whole process of mutually satisfying, drawn out sex .

That's where the energy really came from.