Page 8 of Sidhe (The Incubus Saga #3)

Turning wildly in Jim’s arms to avoid the awful image of his own black eyes, Nathan came face to face with Jim’s white. Nathan’s terrible world over the past year might have only been an illusion, but Jim finding True Awakening was real.

“You knew…” Nathan realized with a sick shock to his stomach.

“It’s not what you think, Nathan,” Jim said.

The lights flickered around them.

“I’m still a Shadow Immortal!”

“You’re not. Not really.” Jim sounded too calm, as if he’d been ready for this.

“You’re not a Shadow Immortal anymore. I’m Awakened now, I’d know if you were.

The deal was that you’d return as you’d been when you left, but Malak told us it wouldn’t be that easy.

You’d be human, but…only fully, only completely once you believe it. I didn’t know what he meant until now…”

No matter the fallout, no matter the consequences, Nathan needed to know the truth.

He whirled around and advanced on Sasha, who was by far the most startled with pain and confusion splashed across his face.

Some of the others backed away, maybe on instinct because they didn’t understand what was happening, but Sasha stood still.

“What did you give up?” Nathan demanded. “What did you trade to bring me back like this?!”

Sasha’s mouth quivered, his eyes looking damp again like they hadn’t been dry in a week. “Nate…please…”

“Tell me what you gave him!”

The lights flickered again, threatening to go out.

Eyes downcast for a moment, Sasha finally looked up again, and when he held Nathan’s gaze, he didn’t waver.

“That night, after Malak touched you, you were gone. I knew that. But I…I couldn’t accept it.

Malak didn’t vanish right away, he was still standing there, and…

and I rushed up to him, I begged, I pleaded with him that there had to be something he would take in exchange for giving you back.

I said I’d give him anything. He liked the sound of that.

So he said…he said he’d be willing to take you only for a week if I gave him one thing. ”

At the back of his mind, Nathan came to realize what that one thing had to be even before Sasha said it.

“I can’t initiate you, Nathan. Ever. I can’t initiate anyone.

I gave up the ability to keep someone else with me forever…

so I could have you back for even one day longer.

” Sasha’s gaze was melancholy but also full of so much love that it wounded Nathan to see those emotions so bare.

“I’d do it again. It was worth it, Nathan.

I don’t know why your eyes…” he stared into them but he couldn’t say it, “I don’t know.

All I know is that you’re here. He said I could have you back, he didn’t… ” Sasha trailed again.

The fight had drained from Nathan but he could still finish bitterly what Sasha hadn’t said. “He didn’t say what shape I’d be in. Course not. Why would you have made a deal for some soulless shell?”

Nathan turned away before Sasha could protest that. He looked back at Jim, whose eyes were still white.

“He wins. He still wins. It didn’t matter how long I was in the Veil, just that I was there long enough.

Jim’s perfect little General,” Nathan laughed sullenly, arms spread wide to indicate himself.

“He’s giving you your army, Jim, whether you want it or not.

And I’m the one who made you put on the damn crown. ”

“Nate…”

“What did he tell you to do, huh?” Nathan said, advancing on Jim once more. “You remember everything now, right? From your time in the Veil. You reached True Awakening; you have to remember. What did he tell you to do!?”

Jim stood motionless at first—resolute. Then he blinked and his eyes were deep blue with round pupils.

“He doesn’t have control over me, Nathan.

He taught me how to use my powers, told me to be ready for when the Veil falls, told me to do everything I could to save you from your bounty—how he knew then, before you’d even made that pact with the Messenger, I don’t know—and promised me that I would be able to give you everything we ever wanted out of life if I just did what he asked.

“But it doesn’t matter,” he said firmly, taking a step forward.

“I would have done those things anyway. He can’t make us be or do anything.

Giving up, giving in, that’s how he wins.

All I did was embrace who I am instead of who he wanted me to be.

What does it matter if some of those things cross?

He doesn’t have power over your free will, Nate—”

Nathan held up a hand for Jim to stop. “But he does. That’s the whole point.” He turned to leave the bar.

“Nate!” Jim called after him.

“Nathan, please!” Sasha cried, his voice choking on unshed tears. “You know it’s not that cut and dry. You still get to choose!”

That stopped Nathan. He glared over his shoulder. “I made my choice.” He made it that night in Wales when he was first marked by the Messenger, and again when he gave in to Jim, even if it was really Malak, even if it was the Veil. “And you made yours.”

Nathan could still see his black eyes reflected in the mirror above the jukebox playing Sinatra. He didn’t bother figuring out how to get his green eyes back. He just turned and left the room.

Nathan sat huddled beneath the lone window by his bed. It was ironic that he was doing this, what he had done so often in the house Jim kept him in while he was in the Veil.

It was foolish to isolate himself, to think it could help.

It couldn’t help. But how could he face them now?

He had already known he wasn’t the same Nathan as the one that left them, now he knew for certain.

A Shadow Immortal wasn’t even really alive, cursed with immortality but only to blindly serve.

Was Malak merely toying with him, and would soon come to have him turn against those he loved? Or would it be Jim…?

A soft buzzing jolted Nathan out of his musing. His phone was on the windowsill charging. He’d almost forgotten it existed. Slowly, he plucked it up as it continued to vibrate. He didn’t recognize the number, and he didn’t really want to talk to anyone, but he found himself answering anyway.

“Hello?”

“Nathan? Oh my God, are you okay?”

Lead hardened in Nathan’s stomach—Leven. “I…”

“Wade told me something major happened, but she wouldn’t tell me what. Said I needed to wait things out until you contacted us, but we haven’t heard from you in forever, and Cam’s not telling me anything, and you missed the musical—”

“ Leven ,” Nathan interrupted harsher than he intended. “Just…breathe, kid, okay? I’m fine. I just…I was away for a while.”

“But you’re back now? And everything’s okay?” The kid sounded as boisterous and full of life as ever.

Nathan closed his eyes tight and clenched the hand not holding his phone. “Yep. Never better. We’ll come see you guys soon, okay? Soon. We just…have some things to take care of, ya know?”

“Sure, sure,” Leven said jovially, though concern still touched his tone, “it’s not like I want to hog all your time.

I know you guys have better things to do than hang with some teenager.

But…Wade got so quiet. She had this glassy look in her eyes, and that always means she’s seen something terrible, and I just…

” Leven paused. Took a breath. “Sorry. She really freaked me out, is all. Cam too. I was worried. I got your number off Wade’s phone. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Leven’s voice brought an unbidden flash from the Veil—of Nathan stabbing a knife clean through the kid’s chest, because Jim would have made him suffer if he didn’t.

Nathan choked back a sob and clenched his eyes tighter. “I’m sure. I’m sorry we missed the show. I’m sure you were awesome. If you got a recording, you can totally subject us to it when we come visit, okay?”

“You better believe it!” Leven said, a smile clear in his voice.

“Look…I gotta go. You be good. We’ll check in soon.”

“Promise?”

Nathan fought to keep his hand from shaking.

I promise it’ll be quick…

It hadn’t been.

“Absolutely.”

He clicked the phone closed before saying goodbye. He only opened his eyes so he could turn the phone off. He was shaking anyway.

Nathan expected the knock when it finally came. He had expected it sooner, but Jim and Sasha had surprised him by offering him a few minutes peace, even after he’d chucked his phone across the room.

Now, the door opened without waiting for his leave.

The first image Nathan saw when he looked up from his low position was a cruelly grinning, red-eyed and monstrous Sasha.

But the Sasha that entered, the Sasha that was really there was just a man—more or less—in a black T-shirt and jeans with kind blue eyes, and slow, fluid steps.

“Nathan?” Sasha looked around the room, unable to spot him at first.

“Here,” Nathan said weakly, not moving.

Sasha’s eyes fell on him and instantly filled with further pain. He approached slowly, cautious. “What are you doing down there? Are you all right? I know this is all a lot to deal with, but I also know you’re still you.”

Nathan didn’t know how the incubus could believe that so blindly.

Since Nathan didn’t move from the floor, Sasha came over to sit near him on the bed. They all thought he needed space. Space wasn’t going to cure him. But then proximity wasn’t helping much either.

“Guess it doesn’t really matter. Can’t change any of it now, can we?” Nathan said. He tried to be less of a pessimist, but he was too practical to ever really believe things would go the way he wanted.

“Nathan,” Sasha started in again with his blue eyes drooping at their edges and his shoulders hunched, “we’ll figure it out.

We have all the time in the world now. No rush.

As long as I can still look at you, and Jim for that matter, too, and see the men I know then it still comes down to choice. Malak can’t take choice away from you.”

But he can. He already did.

‘We have all the time in the world now.’