Page 72 of Sidhe (The Incubus Saga #3)

Nathan ran forward before Sasha could hit the ground, ignoring the few people nearby, fumbling and getting in his way; not caring about anything or anyone but Sasha, not even paying attention as Jim finally realized what had happened and used his abilities to send the dark fae spy back to the Veil.

The remaining people in the bar were silent, backing away from the scene, maybe because someone had been shot, maybe because they had just seen Jim Grier banish a fae with his mind , maybe because they were starting to realize what fools they had been.

“No, no, baby, no …” Nathan chanted as he dropped down beside Sasha and gathered the crumbled body to him, like he always did, unable to believe it was real every time they came close to this—so many times, so many fucking times Sasha had been close to death.

Only this time he wasn’t close, he wasn’t in the process of or on the brink, he was gone.

“Nathan, I’m so sorry, I…I couldn’t sense anything with so many fae already here. I didn’t realize…” Jim trailed as he scrambled over to where Nathan was holding Sasha.

“Sasha…baby, come on.” Nathan shook the body in his arms, fruitless as it was, Sasha’s head lolling back and forth, his eyes open, staring at nothing.

The shot was too clean, too aptly aimed. Sasha had been dead before he even choked out Nathan’s name and fell; his brain just hadn’t known it yet.

It was only lead. Only lead . Nathan had been about to take it all back, Sasha would have been an incubus, that shot wouldn’t have mattered, would have taken Nathan, not Sasha, Nathan .

“Please…come on, just…snap out of it, you’re…you’re not …” Nathan bit down on his tongue, couldn’t speak anymore, couldn’t breathe. It had to be a dream, a damn vision, something .

“Nathan…” Jim placed a hand on Nathan’s arm, and it was just too much, too much.

“No!” Nathan growled at his brother, knowing his eyes flashed red and not caring as he shook Jim away from him and pulled Sasha in closer. “It doesn’t get to happen like this. They don’t get to win. They don’t get to take him away when it should have been me .”

It should have been me. It should have been me .

Ignoring Jim and all those gathered just standing there staring now, Nathan tilted his head to the ceiling. “Walt!” he screamed as loud as he could, planning to pierce Heaven with his cries if he had to, just to make sure Walter appeared at his side, wherever he had ended up in the throng.

Then Walter was there, right behind them, the rest of the area having cleared impressively all around them. When Nathan looked up to see Walter’s face, there was anguish there, shock, and the first signs of pity that Nathan always hated.

“You bring him back, Walt,” Nathan demanded, Sasha’s head held to his chest, arms tight around him. “You bring him back now .”

“That is not in my power, Nathan,” Walter said solemnly.

“Bullshit.” A choked, bitter laugh spewed from Nathan’s lips. “ Bullshit . You work for Dave. You telling me he can’t do this?”

Still standing there, looking down on them, Walter shook his head. “There are rules, Nathan, that even God cannot break. I cannot give the same life back.”

The tears Nathan felt dripping from his face surprised him, he was so numb.

“I was going to have Puck change us back, Walt. I was going to give you what you want, be what you need me to be. Please ,” he clung tightly to Sasha; he could feel how the body was already growing stiff, “I’ll do… anything.”

“You cannot make a deal with me either, Nathan. I cannot give the same life back,” Walter said again.

“No. But I can.”

While Walter had appeared without a sound, Malak entered like wisps of rancid smoke.

Those watching seemed to understand that this new being suddenly before them was far different from any normal fae.

It would have been strange having such a large audience if Nathan cared that any of them were there.

Walter stumbled away at Malak’s arrival, actually showing his fear of the dark sidhe king for a moment before managing to collect himself. They stood mere feet apart before Nathan, like morbid bookends.

“You are not welcome here, Malak,” Walter said, though his voice wavered when it once would have been firm. “This is not your place.”

“Now, now, dear boy ,” Malak chided Walter right back, smirking wide, his form once again the male version, “I do believe that is for Nathan to decide. I have full rights to be here if I am merely offering a deal.” He looked down at Nathan as he said that, smiling.

“Yes, Nathan, I can give you what you want. You know I can. And you know all I ask in return.”

“Nathan, no,” Jim said, grabbing Nathan’s arm.

Nathan didn’t brush him off this time, but he didn’t acknowledge him either.

“Now, Nathan,” Malak began again, crouching in front of him with an expression attempting to feign sympathy, “I told you how you would regret denying me, gave ample warning in fact. Now is your chance to make up for it.”

“I can’t make a deal with you. I can’t give you what you want.

I’m not human,” Nathan said blandly, though he knew that him being an incubus, Sasha being human, that was why Sasha was dead now, because he had been selfish and waited too long.

Malak had planned for this. Malak knew exactly what Nathan would do.

“Nathan, that is not a problem at all,” Malak said reassuringly; only reassurance from him was like the reassurance of a snake to a mongoose with its back turned.

“Why, I can make you human as part of the deal, make you human first . Then if you choose me, I will gladly give your consort back to you. No other payment necessary.”

“Nathan, you can’t,” Jim said again, squeezing Nathan’s arm tightly.

“I’ve had to sit by while too many of these deals went down.

You brought me back. Sasha brought you back.

We can’t keep doing this. I know how much you love him, Nathan, I love him too, but—” Jim cut off abruptly, so abruptly that Nathan turned to look at him.

Jim was seemingly fine, but while his mouth still moved, no sound came out.

“He really doesn’t know when to shut up, does he?” Malak said with a bored tone. “Quiet now, James, the adults are talking. Now, Nathan, we were about to—”

“You do not need to do this, Nathan.” It was Walter now, firm despite the fear Nathan could still hear in his Spirit Guide’s voice. Nathan had felt camaraderie over that fear before, but now he didn’t know what he was feeling.

Malak glared up at Walter and then slowly stood.

“I may not be able to silence you , but do continue and I will certainly be up for trying to,” he warned, his red on black eyes flashing.

“This is between me and Nathan.” Then Malak stood squarely before Nathan, looking down at him like some magnanimous answer to his prayers.

Nathan felt like he was done with prayers for today. Maybe forever. The one thing he wanted out of this war, he could no longer have.

He felt how Jim still held his arm tight, squeezing it to communicate some further warning and pleading even though he couldn’t speak; felt Walter’s eyes watching him, patient but panicked; felt Malak’s eyes too, waiting, believing he knew the answer Nathan would give, the answer Malak had set Nathan up to give, because there was no other answer in him.

No one spoke, the bar gone quiet again, and Nathan was thankful for it, because he didn’t want to hear anymore.

He shifted Sasha in his arms, Jim’s hand falling away, and looked into that pale, dead face, those dull blue eyes devoid of any spark.

There was blood all over Nathan, something he was too used to in his life.

He still felt numb, he was still crying, he could feel Sasha stiff and cold in his arms.

“You can’t bring him back for me, Walt, even if you wanted to, you couldn’t just snap your fingers and he’d wake up like nothing happened.

You said so yourself.” Nathan glanced up briefly, saw the anguish on Walter’s face.

He looked back to Sasha, “Make me human, Puck, you bastard, wherever you are,” and closed Sasha’s eyes with trembling fingers, “I have a job to do.”

“Nathan—” Malak tried.

“You heard what I said.” Nathan looked up at Malak lifelessly, all his life having left him when Sasha did. “Get the fuck away from me. I’m not gonna let you win. He’d never forgive me if I let you win.”

As swiftly as he had appeared, Malak vanished in an angry swirl of smoke, like the trail of a cigarette.

Nathan felt Jim’s hand on his arm again.

Walter walked closer and crouched down where Malak had been before. “I am grateful for your choice, Nathan.”

“Don’t be grateful, Walt,” Nathan choked out.

“But I am,” the Spirit Guide insisted.

“Rules, Nathan,” came another voice—Puck’s voice. “I could make you human, but now, because of your willing sacrifice…I can do so much more.”

Before Nathan could look up, he felt the pressure of two firm fingertips on his forehead. Nothing happened at first, but then Puck reached his other hand the same way to touch Sasha, and before Nathan could question why, he drifted into a deep, peaceful sleep.

Nathan had passed out only to wake up gritting his teeth. The last time that happened he’d gotten to wake up feeling pretty good, having just become an incubus. Right now wasn’t nearly as nice. He was human again and had an ache in his chest like he had been shot pointblank.

That was the cruel humor of it, because Nathan had been shot, and even though the wound had healed, his once again human body had the pleasure of feeling the ache anyway.

Then his mind caught up to his body, reminding him that the worst of what had happened was not getting shot, but where the bullet had gone after it passed through him.

Nathan didn’t want to wake up, didn’t want to open his eyes, even though he was conscious finally and had to. He didn’t want to live if Sasha was dead.