Page 44 of Rugged Hearts: Part One
Connor was right because we did have a pack out there. They want to love and support me but I keep holding them at arm’s reach. I still hate the idea of being in a pack without him. But reading him say it brought him comfort of the idea of us having a pack to lean on after he’s gone feels like he’s telling me it’s okay. Stop running, Thea.
Stop. Running.
Emotionally it’s felt like I’ve been running in place, going nowhere but exhausted all the same. My date with Eli pops in my head. I had a great time before and after the panic attack. I don’t think I thought about Connor once that night. Is that what it means to not either be totally shut off emotionally to what matters or be consumed by it? Days where some joy can be found? I want more days like that. The guilt is quick after that thought. I don’t deserve it since Connor isn’t here.
Looking back at the letter, some strength builds in me, fighting back that voice. Maybe it’s the ghost of Connor fighting back my guilt and self-sabotage. If ghosts are real he would find a way to haunt me.I wouldn’t mind having him haunt me. It actually brings me a little comfort knowing he’s there somewhere keeping tabs.
Liam holds me and supports me through the night. I don’t know what time it is that I fall asleep in his arms. When I wake up he’s not here. Panic surges through me but I hear some noises from the kitchen and it calms instantly. My body still feels like it ran a marathon after the mini heat wave. I never want to experience heat cramps like that again. I shuffle into the kitchen. Liam has his back to me as he cooks on the stove opposite the island. My initial inclination is to go and hug him but I quickly shut that down.Wait. I’m not running anymore. Remember Connor’s letter.I just need to keep reminding myself of this until it sticks. Just go hug him. He helped you through the worst physical pain you’ve ever experienced and held you all night while you cried. Just give him a fucking hug, it’s not hard.
Gods, I swear if any of the guys heard my internal talks tomyself they’d think I was crazy. I move away from the island and walk around it to his side. He must hear me since he turns slightly to look at me. A small smile crosses his face. Walking up to him, I give him a side hug since he’s still facing the stove. His arm wraps around me, squeezing my shoulder in reassurance. “What was that for?”
Stop running.“Just because. If you don’t want me to then I won’t,” I say sincerely in case I crossed a line. Maybe he isn’t ready for anything romantic. I’ve been so caught up in my head about me being ready, I didn’t think too much about if the guys weren’t. They all, except Micah, said they wanted to court me. This is so confusing.
“No, no. Hug me any time you want, just surprised me that’s all,” he rushes out.
“I can be affectionate, or would you rather we always bicker about something?” I ask teasingly.
Laughing, he says, “How about a mix of the two, because I don’t think we’ll ever not have at least one thing to argue over.”
Now I’m laughing, especially since it’s true. Looking down at the pan he’s been cooking in, I see a lot of scrambled eggs. “Uh how much do you normally eat?”
Shaking his head as his attention returns to the stove, he says, “It’s not just for me. You need protein after last night, it’ll make you feel better.”
I hum a response and return to the island, taking a seat on one of the stools. Soon he’s plating the massive amount of eggs and some toast. We initially eat in silence before he breaks it with, “Can I ask you something? If it’s too personal just say so.”
Interesting, though at this point he’s seen more of my worst moments than good so there’s really no harm. He saw me naked last night for crying out loud.
“Yeah, shoot.”
“I only saw the first line I swear I didn’t read the letter”—my shoulders stiffen at that— “but why did he call you ‘Sweetness’?”
I relax. That’s not bad. I actually like that story. Smiling tomyself more than anything, I tell him, “We first met at a college party my roommate dragged me to. I was reading in some corner keeping to myself. He approached me and let’s just say I wasn’t too nice initially.” Liam bursts out laughing. Out of all the guys in the pack he’s seen that side of me more than anyone. “Yeah, it started out as a nickname basically picking on my lack of sweetness. Over time it turned into something more,” I say with a small sigh.
“Ironic,” Liam mutters to himself but I caught it.
“Mhm why’s that?” He looks a little thrown off but I just raise my eyebrows, waiting for him to respond.
“He called you Sweetness, I called you Sweetheart last night. Just thought it was interesting how similar they were.”
I didn’t even notice that. Shrugging my shoulders I return to eating, not sure what to say in response. I feel braver today. Like reading his letter gave me that push I needed, plus asshole Micah saying what he did. It was still uncalled for but it shook me enough to try to get out of my own way at least. I hugged Liam, and for the two of us it felt big. The relationships with the guys are all at different stages. The one I feel is the furthest along is Keelan…but I don’t know how he feels. I do but he doesn’t communicate clearly like Ben or Eli would. Which is fine. Maybe I’ll go find him today and make it clear where I stand. Be brave. Stop running. Putting it out there means I can’t take it back. Once Liam leaves after breakfast, I’m going to find Keelan and tell him how I feel.I’m already feeling the urge to talk myself out of it. I have to do it as soon as Liam leaves otherwise there will be too much time for me to do just that.
After we finish our food, he asks if he can check my vitals which I agree to. “Your pulse seems a little high.” Yeah, because I’m anxious as fuck about talking to Keelan. “But otherwise I think it’s okay for now. If you feel another mini heat wave coming on, please call me or one of the guys so we can help you. With your heat coming up you’re going to get more and more of these.”
That definitely sours my mood a little. I can’t have pain likethat again. “Will it always hurt like that? I…I can’t do that again let alone multiple times.”
“Mini heats are exactly what they sound like, you get the same sexual need you would during a heat, it just lasts a short amount of time. Your temperature will spike and for you, that’s where the danger is. If you don’t have an outlet, primarily a knot, then the cramps will happen again.”
I’m not sure how to feel about all of this. For me, admitting to Keelan today how I feel will be a big step, reading Connor’s letter last night was another. To have sex even if it’s just for the mini heat so soon, I don’t know how to feel about that. I was never someone who felt comfortable with the idea of one-night stands, I needed a connection with someone to feel like I could go to that level of intimacy. This wouldn’t be a one-night stand though, if it’s with someone from their pack who is someone I feel varying levels of connection with. I guess if I was comfortable with any of them to go to that level at a moment’s notice it would be Keelan, Eli, and possibly Parker. Though I feel like Parker holds himself back in certain ways. Maybe he isn’t comfortable with more; something to talk with him about at some point.
“I’ll keep that all in mind, Doc.” Liam almost winces when I call him that. I can’t help it, I’m just not able to go there emotionally right now. All my emotional talking capability needs to be saved for what I want to discuss with Keelan.
“Okay then, I guess I’ll get going, but please call me if you need anything or feel off in any way,” he says pleadingly as if I wouldn’t.
“I will. Promise.”
36
THEA