Page 43 of Rugged Hearts: Part One

“What are you doing?”

“Do you really think I’m leaving you tonight after what happened? I intend to make sure that mini heat wave doesn’t come back and if it does, then I’ll be here to help right away.” She goes to argue but I cut her off. “Thea, you were collapsed on your floor in so much pain you couldn’t even talk. Please just let someone take care of you for once.”

Well that shut her up. She settles further into the bed lying down fully. I stay sitting, to which she says, “Are you going to sit like that and loom over me like a weirdo all night?”

This. Fucking. Woman. I look down at her with a glare, which she returns with a smirk. “You are such a brat.” She didn’t expect me to call her out I guess since she doesn’t have a quick reply. I smile to myself as I settle in, remaining seated for now. Looking at her dresser opposite the bed, I’m reminded about that bag I saw. “Why do you have a freezer bag full of clothes in your dresser?”

She suddenly sits up with a panicked look. “You didn’t open it did you?”

Confused at the urgency in her tone, I draw out, “No. Why is it so important?”

She relaxes back at that, this time when she lies down she’s closer to me. My fingers itch to run through her hair but it doesn’t seem right. You saw her naked less than an hour ago but massaging her scalp and playing with her hair is crossing a line? What is my life right now?

“It’s…they’re Connor’s clothes. Well, some of them. I keep them in there hoping his scent stays on them. I had planned to take one of the hoodies out on the anniversary of his death but we know how that day went.”

“Do you feel like you have some closure after talking with his parents again?”

She doesn’t answer for a while and I look down to find her staring out her bedroom door towards the kitchen. “Can you do me a favor? There’s an envelope on the kitchen island. Can you get it and bring it to me?”

“Yeah,” I say as I get up and grab it quickly. She’s sitting up when I return, braced against the wall. “What is it?”

“Connor’s parents received it from his lawyer after he died and after I had already left. Apparently, it’s a letter from him to me. I haven’t been ready to read it. I still don’t feel ready, but after tonight. I thought the pain was going to kill me, I doubt it’s possible but I really did think that before you came. I’m tired of being afraid and running. It’s what I’m good at right?” She pauses, leaving me confused. I don’t think any of us have ever implied that, except…Micah you asshole.

“Will you stay with me while I read it? I don’t really want to be alone.”

“I’ll always be here for you.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her into me. She sucks in big breaths of my scent, as if it’s steadying herself for what she’s about to do. “I know I haven’t said it, but thank you for everything. Not justtonight but all you’ve done, researching my medical issues. I don’t want to stress you out or cause you more work.”

“You think me trying to save my omega is a burden? I will do whatever is necessary to make sure you are safe and healthy.”

“Your omega, huh?”

I sigh. “I know you’re still grieving Connor, that won’t scare me away. I’ll take any piece of you you’re comfortable with. Even if we just end up being friends. Being in your life, knowing you’re okay, can be enough.”

Would I want more? Of course, but I’d never force her into anything she isn’t comfortable with. She doesn’t respond to what I said, which is probably for the best. Instead she opens the envelope, taking out the pages inside. Her hands are shaking slightly. Turning them over, the first thing I read is ‘Sweetness.’ Thea takes a shuddering breath before she seems to fall apart at what Connor has to say.

35

THEA

“Can be enough.” What am I doing to these men? I don’t want to string them along. Why did the Gods or fate or whoever make me their scent match? Taking a shuddering breath, I look at the pages in my hands. Connor’s letter. He would write something to all of us that mattered to him. We saw it in a movie once years ago and he said it was a great idea. When I asked him why he thought that, he simply said that he doesn’t think he says what he feels as often as he should to those he loves, and how amazing it would be to have something in writing that does. I can’t lie because it was romantic of him. That was Connor every now and then, he’d surprise you like that.

Seeing his handwriting after so long feels like a gut punch.Just do it Thea.I’m tired of running…running for my life, from my grief, my own fucking emotions, the possibility of a real future. This is the first step.

Sweetness,

I really can’t think of a good way to open this considering the reason you’re reading it. Ihope wherever you are right now, you had a reason to smile today. You always had the most beautiful smile. I had an older copy of this from years ago after I got this idea, but with everything going on I wanted to update it. I don’t know what will happen in the future, I hope you are reading this a long time from now, surrounded by our pack. You laugh, but I know it’ll happen, and knowing you have those around you to love and support you through this brings me some comfort in the horrible idea of me not being there anymore. Knowing you still have people in your life to make you smile, laugh, and hold you through the pain of loss. Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to haunt you to be certain you are.

In all seriousness, Sweetness, I love you. I’ve loved you since I saw you at that party reading on your phone. Since you were annoyed when I started talking to you for daring interrupt your book. A lesson I have learned over and over again in these eight years. Since the first time I caught your scent, it felt like a missing piece inside my heart fell into place. Since we first moved in together after college, and you got mad at me for taking candidpictures of you all disheveled from carrying boxes and furniture. Since you made my parents like an extension of your own. Since I was lucky enough to be scent matched to you.Since I found home in you.

You’re my other half and I don’t say it nearly enough but you’ve made life worth living. Don’t roll your eyes at the cliche, it’s one for a reason. I’m sorry for being so stubborn on bonding all these years, but I can’t wait to be bonded in two weeks.

Where and whenever you’re reading this do one thing for me going forward. Even when I’m not there, keep going on adventures.

Forever yours,

Connor

I read most of the letter through watery eyes, all the while Liam holds me close. I laugh a little, because of course he’d include a couple jokes.Connor, I don’t know how to do adventures without you. You were the adventurer.I read it a second time and then a third. Each time the walls and lock boxes I’ve kept this past year crack and break down more until only rubble remains. I don’t know how to handle the onslaught of emotions. I’m full-on sobbing, at some point I’ve ended up in Liam’s lap, crying into his chest as he holds me, gently massaging my neck like before. I’m glad to not be alone. I don’t think I could handle it right now.Liam’s pine scent, full of hope, is just what I need in this moment.