Page 74 of Never To Suffer (The Hollywoodland #4)

LOOKING BACK

LORD HURON

I finish wrapping Xander’s hand like Marie showed me the other day and tuck the supplies back into the kit Theo bought us. Pretty sure Xander’s still asleep; I pick up the empty water glass and go to move, but his arm shoots out and finds me. He’s getting a little too good at that.

“Stay?”

“I’ll come right back. I promise. I need to get you some water.”

“Please?”

I sigh and set the glass back down before I take my spot on the edge of the bed again. “How do you feel?”

“That’s not why I asked you to stay. I want to say I’m sorry. For walking out. I shouldn’t have done that to you.” He coughs, the strain of talking still too much for his broken ribs. He’s supposed to be resting, staying hydrated, and keeping quiet, but he’s a terrible patient.

I’ve avoided this talk so far, so worried about everything I want to say, everything I need to say to him. Even more worried about the things he should say to me because I deserve each one of them.

“Xander, there isn’t enough time to apologize as much as I need to.

Even if I had a century, it wouldn’t be enough time.

” I dig through my bag that sits next to the bed and pull out the pair of keys, running my thumb over the ridges.

My heart races. I don’t want to give him the keys because I don’t want him to lock me out.

Failure is an option. Failure is okay. Everyone fails.

“We’ve put a door between our place and Theo’s?—”

“They built that before I left. You yelled about it, remember?”

“They built a nice hole in the wall. Now it’s a full door.” He turns his head and cracks open his working eye, struggling to keep it focused on me. “Do you want your glasses?”

“They’re broken. What do you mean, a door?”

I pry open his hand, putting the keys in his palm and closing his fingers over them.

I try to remember the way Jamie explained it the other day, but for whatever reason, it sounds like the dumbest idea ever now.

I don’t want to tell him what the keys are for, why there’s a door, why I’m doing any of this, but I’m doing it because it’s for him.

He has the right to choose and I…I have the right to fail.

Theo said this wasn’t a failure if Xander locks the door.

He called it an inconvenience I could overcome.

A rough patch of water we’d learn to navigate.

I don’t want to navigate without Xander.

“The keys are for,” my voice cracks. “For the door. These are the only keys for it, so we can’t come in unless you want us to. I want to respect your privacy and your space, and what I said the other day will take time to recover from, but I?—”

“Dani—”

“Let me finish, please? I’ve rehearsed this a thousand times.

Just let me get it out?” He nods. “Basically, I may not deserve it, but I want you back, Xander. I’m willing to beg, plead, cry, whatever I need to do.

But I can’t do that unless I become a safe space for you.

I can’t be that toxic dump of fear, taking everything out on you until you had nothing left.

” I swallow hard, hoping this sounds better in his head than it does mine.

“I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m working on it, I am.

But I understand if you don’t want to be around me for a while.

These are your keys, and you can lock the door whenever you need your space or whatever. I’ll never argue with you about it.”

He waits; his eyes closed. I’m about to see if he’s fallen asleep again when he finally asks if I’m done.

“Yeah, that’s…yeah. I’m done.” I ask in a hushed tone, in case he is asleep. “Do you want me to go now?”

“No, but I think I need the trash can next to the bed now.”

“Oh, no. Here!” I thrust it toward him and close my eyes, thinking he’s going to be sick. Instead, there’s a hollow thunk as he drops the keys into it. “Xander, that wasn’t funny. I thought you were going to hurl because they said some of the medication could—wait. You did that on purpose?”

“Beetle, we fight. We make up. We’re never physical, we’re rarely hurtful. But no matter what you call me, your words are never, ever going to be enough to frighten me away. I thought we both needed space. Because we did.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I needed space. I used the time away to finish the prototype website code so I can sell it.”

“Sell it? I thought you were going to run the site?”

“It made you mad. I couldn’t keep working on something you hated enough to go Chernobyl on me.”

I bite my lip and frown. My Xander, the one destined to grow up to run multi-billion dollar companies and wear shoes that cost more than my car, almost gave up on a dream because he thought I didn’t like it.

I thought I’d neglected him by not protecting him from those men, by not being enough for him, but that’s not it at all.

It’s because I don’t talk to him. Keeping everything locked away, how I thought relationships worked.

But doing that nearly cost me Xander and him his dream.

“You’ve got it all wrong.” He shrugs, which causes him to wince, and reminds me how much pain he’s hiding.

“There wasn’t a single thing I didn’t like about your idea.

The world needs your idea, your improvements to the original site.

More money to the creators while saving them time, plus a safer and more inclusive environment for creators and users?

Brilliant honeybee! I even think it’s kind of hot that other people are watching my boyfriend—the guy I get to have sex with, sleep next to, kiss—to get themselves off. ”

“Skylar said you had an exhibitionist streak. So, why?”

“All the reasons you said the other night. And more. I took on too much, and I kept taking on more and more. I blamed myself for the apartment, for the way your parents treat you, for my sister leaving. All of it. But instead of telling you, instead of sharing the burdens with you like you’ve begged me to do, I couldn’t stop.

I wanted to protect people, and I couldn’t allow myself to, well, fail.

I didn’t want you to see me as a failure, Xander. ”

“Beetle, you’re my queen. You don’t just call me honeybee because I got stung that one time. You call me that because you understand how much I need you. We both do. You’ve never failed me.”

“I put too much energy and time into the concert stuff, but you were giving us money you earned with blood. If I lost, it would have all been for nothing. You bled for me, and I’d come home empty handed. Again. That sounds so dumb when I say it out loud.”

“I’ll bleed for you till I’m drained dry, baby girl. You’re my life, my soul, my Beetle. I flew too far from the hive and this happened. I’m the one who failed.”

“No. No, you’re my brave bee. I love you, Xander. You’re not a failure; you’re not a fuck up. You’re my everything.”

“I’m gonna throw up.” I whip my head around and see Steve leaning against the door, holding a couple of white paper bags.

“You two done being sappy? I brought Zankou for those of us who didn’t get our asses handed to us.

And for the guy whose face ran into a brick wall, a protein bowl and a PB&H from Qwench. ”

“Yes!” Xander moans.

“Really? I thought you’d hate me for that?”

“Nah, man. I love those things, and I don’t think I could eat anything real right now.”

Steve climbs into the bed to hold the cup for Xander.

I’m shocked by the tenderness as Steve tilts the straw down so Xander can take a cautious sip.

A moment later, I tear into the bag and pull out the chicken wrap, smelling their famous garlic sauce and drooling.

Steve waits until I take a huge bite and have my mouth well beyond full before he comes in hot with his next statement.

“So, you think the guys hate you, huh?” Steve takes a drink from Xander’s cup and offers him more.

“Because we heard from a little bird, or beetle, that you didn’t call any of us when you needed a place to crash because we all hate you.

Or, well, they all hate you. I’m cool, which is always the case and why I’m here.

” Steve boasts. “But anyway, bro, they don’t hate you.

You’re part of the family, and you better call us next time.

We know your girl, and we know she’s a lot.

Sooooo much. Fucking queen of a whole lotta mess. ”

I ball up a piece of the foil wrapper and chuck it at Steve’s head before I flip him off.

“Don’t make me laugh, it hurts!” Xander gasps as he tries hard to fight against the laugh growing in his chest.

“So, how’s the show?” Steve asks after we clean up lunch and Xander falls asleep again.

“Skylar and I have a show in Chicago in two days. After that, we’re in New York and Boston. And we’re not to where we can book a bunch of flights, so we’re driving.”

“In Connor’s piece of shit?”

“No, the van wouldn’t make it on a trip like that. Chase got us a rental with a little more room, but still easy enough for all of us to take turns driving. Chase even had a stupid idea about a tour bus.”

“Stupid or brilliant? Are you still worried about not winning?”

I punch him in the arm, but not hard. “You’re probably right. I’ll talk to Skylar tonight and see if they think it’s dumb of me to turn him down. I should start letting the band make decisions with me, not making them all for them.”

“She can learn! I’m proud of you, kid.”

“Oh, shut up. Will you come to the show in a few weeks when we’re here in Los Angeles?”

“Got the tickets the minute they announced it. So did everyone else.” He flips to the ticket confirmation on his phone and holds it up for me to see.

“Ethan’s coming, too, since it’s an off night for his games.

See how much I love you? My husband has the night off and I’m taking him to see you instead of letting him break my back. ”

“Steven, you are a mess.”

“Yeah, and you love it,” he giggles.

“I always figured you’d be a top.”

“Switch.”