Page 71 of Never To Suffer (The Hollywoodland #4)

“She’ll be fine. We’ll come back and get it when we’re done.

” Jamie ruffles my hair. His big smile tells me he’s happy without a single word out of his mouth.

Of all the boys, he’s the one whose opinion matters most about stuff like this.

Mushy stuff. He’s an artist, and he’s been lucky enough to find his muse, but he understands the struggles, too.

It’s now everyone’s mission to get Xander back home where he belongs, and for me to get him to forgive me and never do this again. “Now scoot over so I can drive.”

“He needs to do it on his terms, Dani. We all want him back now, but he said he needs a few days, and we can respect that.” Theo says over my shoulder, but I’m ignoring him, shuffling the cards and laying them out.

Picking them back up in a huff to shuffle and deal again.

I understand that’s not how tarot works. I just don’t care at the moment.

Large hands close over mine before I can pick new cards, and I groan. Rolling my eyes until they meet his.

“Can we talk?” Theo asks.

“Are you going to bill me?”

“Is that joke ever going to get old?”

“Nope.”

“Good. No, I won’t bill you.” His smile brings down my already crumbling walls.

“You’re on the road, Dani. You’ve got so many paths in front of you, and you can’t figure out which one to take, so you’re trying to take them all.

Trying to spread yourself so thin that you accomplish everything and nothing all at once.

That’s the rub with life as a Jill of all trades. ”

“I know a little about a lot of things, but I’m not a master of any one thing.”

“Including yourself.” He sits beside me, giving me a moment to scoop up my cards and tuck them away.

Along with the crystals, pendulum, unburnt incense, and the worry dolls.

As if I opened a window into my mind and gave him a quick peek, he goes right to the heart of the problem.

Me. “What happened first? The thing that happened when you were younger that scared you so much to fail, you gave up and picked something else?”

“I didn’t fail!”

“No, you didn’t. You don’t fail. But that’s a problem, isn’t it?

In order not to fail this time, you’ll face giving up something precious to you, something you love so damn much.

It’s eating you alive to let them go.” He leans his elbows on his knees and stares at the floor.

“Dani, I’m going to tell you something, and I don’t believe anyone said this to you before.

If they did, you didn’t listen to them, so I hope you listen to me. It’s okay to fail.”

“Of course it is.”

“Don’t play this off. You say that, but you don’t believe it in your heart.

I bet, when it came down to you, your sister, and your mother, you two grew close.

She protected you and your mother, like many big sisters learn to do.

But when she couldn’t protect herself anymore from her husband, you became her guardian. Your roles are reversed.”

I want to say something snarky and cruel to make him leave me alone, but that’s what got me into this mess.

When did I go from snarky and fun to hurtful?

What happened to me? Theo’s right. Skylar, too.

Hell, everyone is right except me. I don’t like it.

I’ve let this all go on for too long, all the pain, the worry, the near constant internal struggles that I refuse to let anyone see.

I used to be the baby, the one who could get away with murder.

Then my sister left, marrying an absolute tool who didn’t deserve her.

He didn’t deserve any of us and we shouldn’t have fallen for his bullshit, but we did. Theo’s right, I became the protector.

I had nothing that bastard Luis could take, so I used wit and sarcasm. Hurting me would have ended the relationship. He knew better. The protector angle fits me until it doesn’t. Until I fail, which sends me down a dark, horror filled pathway of doubt and fear. And boy, did I fail.

“I’m going to guess you met Xander around the same time that your sister married or moved out?

The strange new boy at school with no friends.

He probably dressed different from everyone else and put on that cocky attitude of his.

But you could see through that. You saw the na?ve little lost boy that needed help? ”

“He would have gotten his ass beat by the end of the week if I wasn’t there.”

He nods. “He doesn’t make the best decisions sometimes, but they come from a good place.

You’re not mad at him for the porn site or getting paid for sex.

You’re angry at the times he came home beaten, in tears, scared.

You blame yourself every time that happens, and it’s been festering.

Add the trip to Tokyo, and it gets worse.

You’re Wendy, collecting her lost boys.”

“He came home a shell, Theo. He wouldn’t let us touch him for days without jumping.

He cried, and the nightmares. I couldn’t help him; I couldn’t see him like that.

Where was I, Theo? Why wasn’t I there? Because of some stupid concerts?

Playing music that won’t ever get me anywhere in life because I’ll fail at that too if you give me enough time and rope to hang myself?

” I can’t stop as it all pours out. “I’m pathetic!

I couldn’t keep Ren safe, or Skylar, or Xander.

I failed every one of them and—” I slam my hands over my mouth, unable to move or breathe. I said those things out loud.

“And it’s okay, Dani. It’s okay to fail.

It’s how we learn, how we grow. Humans start failing on the day they’re born.

They fail to walk and talk, so they learn how.

They fail to read and comprehend, so they keep working at it until they can.

Your music is going to take you places, Dani.

You’ll have bad days, but you’ll move on and start again.

As for the people? You didn’t fail Xander or Skylar.

You didn’t fail your sister. You simply did the best you could.

You’re one incredible, resilient person with more strength and love than most people could ever comprehend.

To think you could maintain that level of perfection?

That’s where you failed. It’s the only place you failed. ”

“But I… I can do it.”

“Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should.

Just because you can scrape by and barely survive doing things alone doesn’t mean you should live like that when there’s an entire support system here ready to hold you up to the world and show everyone how much we love you and need you.

How much we’re there for you to help you when you fall, to hold you when you cry, and to remind you that you’re not perfect, but you are right for us. ”

I throw my arms around him, bawling like a baby, because he’s right. No one had ever told me failure was an option. I have so much to learn, starting with trusting my family with what’s going on inside my head.