Page 33 of Never To Suffer (The Hollywoodland #4)

WHERE IS MY MIND?

PIXIES

The idea sounded so good when it popped into my head.

Simple, and really a no brainer. Dani needed a bassist, and I am a bassist. I forgot to factor in that I haven’t been on stage or in front of any kind of audience in years, and I don’t know if my hand will make it through an entire set.

I roll my neck, and lean into the mirror so I get the eye liner right.

When I’m done, I lean back, and it’s like looking in a time machine.

One look at myself and the doubt gives way to youthful rebellion and the misguided belief that I’m invincible.

I missed that feeling, and right now, it’s like welcoming an old friend.

“Hey, you almost ready to go?” Connor pops his head in to check on me.

“Yeah. Oh, hey, Connor? Can I talk to you real quick?”

“Where have you two been?” Dani asks as I round the corner a few minutes later. “Oh. My. God.”

“What?” I glance down at my clothes, pat my pockets.

I don’t see anything out of place. There’s a shadow of self-consciousness creeping into my mind, telling me I’m too old for this and I look like an idiot.

I shake it off. I had a plan when I picked these clothes up this afternoon, knowing how they’d look on stage.

Dani wants to kick the show up, and I’m all in.

The pants are tight, with more chains and straps than a BDSM dungeon.

A see-through mesh style button-up shirt shows off the new jewelry for my nipple piercings I found.

One’s a skeleton hanging from the post, the other is bat wings.

I’ve wet my hair and wear it down, painted my nails electric blue, and added some bright green eyeshadow to match Dani’s hair.

Her eyes find and follow the leash from my neck all the way to Connor’s hand as he gives her a smirk and a wink.

Compared to some of the other bands I’ve seen tonight, I’m overdressed, but here in the wings next to the rest of LA Proper, I blend right in.

There are several men in the audience tonight that will leave here questioning their life choices after they see what Connor and I have planned. Enjoy the mind-fuck, boys.

“You’re hot, and those pants are the exact tightness we’re going to need for the remainder of this program.” Noah explains, handing my bass out to me. Her grin grows wide, and before she walks away, she adds, “Hell, I’m not even straight and I can see…so much. Yeah, I’d absolutely smash that.”

“Wait, is that bad?”

“No!” Dani screams, reaching for me, but not touching me as her fingers ghost along the leather harness. “No, not bad. None of this is bad. In fact, it’s…it’s…”

“At least going to earn you a set of panties thrown on stage tonight, Sky,” Connor answers for her before he smacks me on the ass. “So, let’s go give the people what they want. One hell of a show. Stop drooling, Dani.”

“What are you freaking out over? You’ve seen all this. Me.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate you. Think we can find a closet around here for a quickie before we go on?”

I lean over and pull her in, kissing her hard until her fingers squeeze into my arm. She lets the softest whimper escape her as we pull apart. “Come on, Beetle. Let’s give them the show you’ve always wanted. I’ll let you rip the shirt off me after.”

We don’t run off stage. We don’t even walk off.

We float off, carried by the screams, whistles, and chants for more.

The second I hand my bass off, I scoop Dani up and carry her over to the dingy sofa that sits just off stage.

I collapse onto it, and her legs straddle as she grabs my face, refusing to let go.

Connor lets out a whoop before he and Noah crash down beside us.

Dani finally lets us breathe again, but only because we’re both laughing too hard to maintain a kiss like that. “Connor!” She shouts and gives him a high five. “Bro! Oh, my god!”

“No way, couldn’t have done it without Skylar!” He nods to me and grabs my knee. “You’re a superhero, my friend! Also, Dani, if you three don’t work out, I call dibs on this one. That kiss? Electrifying isn’t strong enough of a word.”

“I’m only a tiny bit jealous,” Noah giggles, but Dani stands up, grabbing her face as they laugh and try to make out the way Connor and I did on stage.

It’s what I talked to him about beforehand; I asked his permission to try it out, and he jumped on the opportunity.

Three songs in. I’m leaning over him and he looks up and nods.

Neither of us missed a beat, not that you could hear us over the scream from the audience.

“I planted a seed, but your skills made it grow. Thanks for going with me on that journey, though.”

“Oh, my friend, any day of the week. In fact, we’ll be doing that a lot more based on the reaction it got us.” he grins. “God, that whole set was insane. I need a drink. You need a drink? We need drinks!”

Dani ruffles my long, wet hair and flashes me a wink. “We owe you so many drinks, baby. Come on, the first round on me.”

“Yeah, it is. It’s gonna be all over you and I’m gonna put you up on the bar and lick it off, nice and slow.

” I pull her back to me, her nails raking down my chest through the flimsy material.

“Come on, let’s go before I bend you over the crate over there and add a background track to the next band’s set. ”

“We are so recording that one day.”

The crowded bar has wall to wall locals and visiting bands mixing it up and causing scenes everywhere.

Every few minutes a fight breaks out over a girl, or a song, or which band will win the money.

Dani and Noah have run off to the bathroom, Connor found a corner to hold court for a handful of men and women, and I’m half listening to some drunk drone on about his plans for starting his own band.

I’ve done a complete one eighty from the show that lit up the stage and had the audience eating out of our hands, begging for more. Almost every damn woman in the bar, and half the men, has hit on me, a few drunk enough to get handsy with me.

On stage, I’ve always been the epitome of cocky and brazen.

I haven’t found the line for too outrageous if it gets the audience on their feet and screaming for more.

Taboo, illegal, sexual, none of that can stop me once the lights are on and the music flows through me.

If Connor were to whip his cock out, I’ll absolutely suck it to get that rush from the audience.

There used to be an outlet for it when I came off the stage.

Steve. We’d fuck like rabbits in closets, the car, and even a seedy motel room sometimes, to get it out of my system.

Sex became an easy way to exhaust me down from the high.

That happened before the drugs. Before I understood the dangers of coming down from that high without a safety net.

Because that’s what performing is, a high without the dealer.

Now I’m spiraling and no one here knows the warning signs because I thought I could handle this.

I thought it wouldn’t be so hard. I order another drink, hoping I can numb my cravings, but it’s failing. Fast.

“Hey, you okay?” Dani asks, her hand dragging along my lower back. It’s like ice, like one of my demons left cold burns where her fingers grazed against me. Every sensation has gone sideways so fast I can’t think straight.

“I’m fine.” I take another shot of whiskey, begging for a quiet darkness as I close my eyes.

I should call someone, but it’s late. I’m sweating and can’t catch my breath.

Maybe all I need is to throw Dani down on this table, rip her pants down, and bury my cock so deep inside of her, she screams and begs for more.

At least the exhibitionist in me would thrive, and it could be enough of a push to get me through the night. Of course, I’d also end up in jail.

I know what I need; I know how to find it.

“Sky? Don’t do this.”

“Do what?” I snap. “I’m…I’m sorry.”

“Then talk to me.”

“I can’t… You don’t understand. You can’t. Just… stop!”

“Understand what?”

“Anything!” I rub my temples, too aware of the migraine, too sensitive to every noise, touch, and smell. “I can’t…I don’t know!”

One fix. I only need it this one time. I can tell Dani after, and she’ll help me. I need to get past this one time.

She reaches up and tucks my hair behind one of my ears, holding my wrist with her other hand. I’m scaring her, but I’m scaring myself more. I take a deep breath, but it’s like trying to breathe in a swamp, the air too hot and thick. I squeeze my eyes shut again.

All of this can stop, all the demons can go back into hiding, safely tucked away in their bed. One fix. One night. One more time.

I need to get out of here. I need air. I need to breathe.

“Skylar, what’s wrong?” Her voice sounds so far away as she tries to chase me through the crowd, but I’m on a mission, and it isn’t a good one.

I get outside and don’t stop until I’m on my bike, turning the engine over, and kicking off the sidewalk.

I doubt I’ll need to go far. I can’t be here and fall apart in front of her. Not again.

I rock my head back against the cold brick wall, exhaling a lungful of smoke.

I called my sponsor and left a message, but didn’t answer when he called back.

The constant buzzing of plastic against concrete became bees in my head, never ending.

Turning the phone off didn’t help. Something else would buzz.

Cars, voices, actual bugs. Only one thing can silence the swarm.

One call, one street corner, one nod and I can be flying again, feeling that high wash through me and take away the pain and memories.

It can put me back on the stage, back under the lights.

But it will push me out of her arms.