Page 37 of Never To Suffer (The Hollywoodland #4)

A MILLION WAYS TO MISS YOU

JAKE MILLER

It’s not until I’m through the second chorus that I realize the whistling is coming from me. Whistling. Shit, when was the last time I did that? I close the file I’m working on and open my laptop to find a message from Kennedy.

Kennedy

Details, sir! You’ve been back there whistling for like an hour now!

Has it been that long? I flip my phone over and find four missed messages.

Blue Eyed Baby

Good morning from the future, but also, good…afternoon?

Marie

Call me!!!!!

Blue Eyed Baby

Which one should I wear?

[Images attached]

Ohhhh noooooo, wrong picture (wink emoji)

I almost drop the phone into my cold coffee.

Bathroom selfies. Not like the idiotic ones where people take those pictures in the mirror with goofy smiles or phones blocking their faces, either.

He’s in the shower under a stream of water, winking at me as he holds his cock.

I check the timestamp. Five minutes ago.

Since he left, my morning ritual has been like this; texts, calls, video chats, and too many pictures with too much skin to be decent. Every day since he left.

Are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Blue Eyed Baby

AYYYYY! There you are. I was worried I scared you off with that one.

Nope……send more.

Blue Eyed Baby

Naughty. How about a video?

“Doc!” Kennedy’s shrill scream pulls my head out of the clouds, but I drop my phone, covering it with my foot just in case. “Who are you talking to?”

“It’s nothing! I’ll… we can talk after my next client. I need to take a call.”

“Uh, huh? Sure, you do.” She winks, heading for the door. “Bow chicka wow wow.”

I flip her off as the door closes, and hurry to pick my phone back up.

We didn’t have camera phones, but when I was first in Europe, we had our ways of communicating.

Sexting, listening to each other over the phone, not dissimilar from now.

It’s been a while, though, and this isn’t like riding a bike.

In his ways, Xander has helped ease me into it.

We’ve jerked off together on a video call, but we didn’t show much other than our faces.

I almost forgot how pretty this kid’s cock is.

How much it makes my mouth water. How badly I want to be inside him again.

Moan for me.

Blue Eyed Baby

You’re sure I can’t call you Daddy? Cause you’re giving Daddy right now.

Keep that shit up and I’ll have you over my knee when you get back.

Blue Eyed Baby

D.A.D.D.Y.

[Video Attached]

I watch as he fumbles with the phone a bit, trying to get a grip as I listen to the sounds of the shower.

There must be a shelf or something because he backs away from the camera, waves, and steps under the water, hands roaming his chest and abs.

That deep V of his hips ending in a tease where the camera cuts off.

Until he takes a few more steps back and I can see where that V really ends.

He’s hard already, and he stares right into the camera, licking his lips as his hand wraps around his cock.

I watch his hips thrusting slow and steady and eyes roll back as he teases himself, running his thumb over the tip.

That brings the moan. Deep, echoing off the tiles of the shower, followed by a series of high-pitched whimpers.

Those are the ones that cut right through me, the ones I could listen to for hours.

“Theo, fuck. God, you feel so good. I can’t wait for you to rip me open with that cock again, to bend me over that kitchen counter and take me.

” Another moan dripping with sin and wicked intentions.

I glance up to make sure the door remains closed, even if I do have headphones in.

“Fuck me! Theo, I want you to cum on my chest. I need you to call me your perfect slut again. Please? Please tell me I can cum for you. I need you so bad.”

Blue Eyed Baby

When you’re done watching, call me. We can jerk off together before I have to go into the office.

[Image Attached]

A close-up of his face with his mouth open wide and tongue ready for me. “This kid will be the death of me.”

There’s a knock on my door and without waiting for me to tell her to, Kennedy bursts into the room. “Okay, so your new client came in, like, way too early. Do I make him wait or?”

“No, it’s… fine.” I close the video and pull my headphones out, scooting closer to my desk so Kennedy doesn’t notice my cock straining against these pants. I type out a quick message to Xander about work, so he doesn’t think I’ve forgotten about him. Or had a real heart attack.

“Wait! Oh my god, those are new clothes.” She sniffs the air like a crime dog. “And that is new cologne! What’s his name? Zack? Did he take allergy shots so you and him can get it on? Cause you are getting it on!”

“Get it on? Seriously?”

“I dunno, I heard it in some old movie from the nineties or whatever.”

“Kennedy, you’re really killing my buzz here. And no, it’s not Zack.”

“Ohhhh, but it is someone!”

“Yes, okay. You got me there. I’m talking to someone and there’s interest from both parties.

” No amount of therapy can help someone addicted to gossip, and Kennedy could give places like TMZ a run for their money.

I’m surprised she doesn’t go work for them.

“But it’s nothing you need to concern yourself with. ”

“Both parties? Interest? Lame! But okay, fiiiine. Your three o’clock just walked in. Late, as usual. Oh, and Chase called. I booked him for four fifteen, your next opening. Video call since he’s on set, but he called it kind of an emergency.”

“Fine, that will be fine. Kennedy?” I’m about to go back to my files, but stop. “Did I whistle for an hour?”

“At least. Like, you saw Mrs. Klein out and as soon as she was gone, you started. Pretty much been going strong ever since. You’re good at it though, so I’m not complaining, but I don’t know the songs, so I can’t sing along.”

LA Proper. I’ve been listening to their music again since I found out they were in that ridiculous, exploitative competition. Leave it to me to be the one shrink in LA whistling punk rock songs as a sign I’m falling for someone.

Am I? Falling?

I hope the band has a decent lawyer to get them out of whatever contract they had to sign to do this shit.

The video of them from the show last night has hit record views because of their new bass player.

The guy’s got skills, but he’s also got this stellar stage presence that pulls you in, which fits them better than the last guy.

Doesn’t hurt that he and the drummer make out.

I missed the Orange County show; it sold out in minutes.

But I’ve already purchased a pair of tickets for their next closest show and finals party they’re doing here in Los Angeles months from now. Maybe I can bring Xander along.

“Oh, speaking of music, here!” She pulls out a handful of tickets.

“This guy I met gave them to me, but it’s not my scene.

He only wants in my pants. But you go to a ton of live shows, so maybe you want them or someone you know can use them?

” She thrusts them out toward me. “I don’t know the bands. Take your new boo!”

I take the tickets with a smile. No point in arguing with her when she doesn’t care if I go.

She needs the temptation taken out of her own hands.

I wish I could tell her how proud I am of her for this step, but she’s the type who doesn’t do well with that kind of praise.

I give them a quick glance and see they’re for tonight.

“So?”

“Hmm?”

“The lucky person! I want deets!”

I tuck the tickets into my desk drawer and turn back to my computer. “It’s…seriously nothing to dwell on. We haven’t known each other long, and I don’t know where this will end up. There’s a few, uhm, complications? Things we’d need to iron out before he and I could move to the next step.”

“Oh. My. God. He’s married?”

“No, not exactly.”

She sits in a chair, scooting it closer before propping her elbows on my desk and batting her eyes at me in anticipation.

A big bag of popcorn would complete her look as she sits there, expecting me to spill everything out to her.

I would love to wax poetically about Xander to someone, but not to Kennedy.

“I’m a little…busy.” My phone buzzes, my fingers itching to pick it up. “Very busy, in fact.”

Her jaw drops. Shit. “Dr. Clay you cad!”

“Cad?”

“Yeah, I’ve been reading my mom’s romance novels and they’re, well, regency.”

“Interesting. Now, if you don’t mind?”

She rolls her eyes and finally leaves, saying something about going downstairs to get a coffee and some food. I flip over my phone and there are two new videos and a message from Xander.

Blue Eyed Baby

Was that too much?

No, baby. I’m just…work is making it hard.

But don’t stop. I look forward to watching all of these later tonight.

Blue Eyed Baby

It’s not your work making it hard, it’s me

Dinner when I come back? Like, out, not you cooking again.

You don’t have to answer me right away.

I rub my temples as my brain plays a game of Pong with the answer.

If I say no, will he stop talking to me?

If I say yes, am I crossing more lines I can’t come back from?

What am I afraid of? Other people are going to think whatever they think, and it’s not like it's something they can take my license away for. Xander is an adult, thirty, if he told me the truth. Eleven years isn’t even something to make people look twice here in Los Angeles.

And I deserve to have a chance at happiness again. Don’t I?

I type out and answer and hit send before I can second guess myself any further.

Yes. I’d love to.

Let me know when you’re back. I’ll pick you up at the airport.

Blue Eyed Baby

Call me later? I don’t care how late it is. I’ll be up.

In more ways than one

I uhm, I miss you. I hope that’s not too much.

Not at all, Baby. I miss you, too.

Maybe he said that too quickly. Maybe I answered it too quickly.

I groan, leaning back in my chair and releasing a slow exhale.

What am I doing? I’m forty-one! That’s far too late in life to dip toes back into those polyamorous waters.

But how much different could it be from what I had before.

I loved the woman who became my wife, but she knew I had other needs.

Hell, she’s the one who invited Gio, a friend of hers from school, over to the apartment.

He moved in with us a few weeks later, each of us having a sexual relationship with the other.

I thought it would end when élodie and I were married, but Gio stood there, by our side through the wedding and the birth of Sylvie.

We were in Paris, the city of love, and I thought it would always be like that.

The three of us were raising Sylvie, getting a house together, filling it with affection, openness, and happy memories.

The only thing that kept me clinging to that last thread of sanity after the accident?

Knowing they’d been together when they died.

Knowing they hadn’t been alone, and they’d been with someone who loved them in their final moments.

It didn’t take me long to realize losing them like that meant I was utterly alone in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

Poor Sylvie spent more time with her grandparents than me because I couldn’t hold it together long enough.

I saw too much of élodie in her curious eyes, too much of Gio in her laughter, even if her genetics don’t match his. She will always be ours.

If I can stop screwing it all up. Xander might be the answer to that. The one who can steer me back toward true affection again.

I open the chat again and scroll up, not to the naked pictures of him, but to the one he took before he left the two of us in the car.

The serious lines of my face are replaced by a genuine smile, my walls down, and a sparkle in my eyes.

Then there’s him. Crooked grin and nerdy black glasses, nothing but hope in his face.

He said that’s what I gave him; hope. Well, that and a damn good night.

I have my answer and it’s yes. I’m falling for those pretty blue eyes, the snarky attitude, the desperate need to be understood. Even now, sitting in my office, I long to be back in bed with him, holding him to my chest and whispering against his soft, fluffy brown hair.

A notification interrupts my daydream, reminding me I’d gotten a text from Marie, too. Groaning, I slide to the phone app and call my sister-in-law back.

“Theo! Oh, thank God you called. I was worried something had happened to you!”

“No. Well, yeah, something has happened. All good. What’s up Fifi?”

There’s a long pause and I’m not sure if it’s the connection or her until her voice comes back. “Theo, are you baking?”

“Not yet? Why? Need me to whip something up for you? Ship it to Boston, New York, wherever you are this week?”

“Oh no, no, no. What I called you about, it can wait. You called me Fifi .” I stop, realizing I call her a childhood pet.

Fifi Marie. I don’t even remember how we came up with it, but it’s what élodie, Gio, and I called her.

With a French accent, it’s cute. Fee Fee Mah Ree.

“Tell me what has you so happy and yet not in the kitchen?”

I laugh, but it's not a surface laugh. It goes through to my ribs, it comes from my center, from a frozen piece of my heart that’s finally getting the chance to feel some warmth again.

“I, uhm, I met someone. He reminds me so damn much of Gio. Hell, his eyes are that same steel blue.” Maybe that’s why I’m opening up to him, the idea of him combined with how much he looks like the love I’d lost. I hope I’m not projecting.

Gio sure as hell didn’t fuck like Xander, though. God, that mouth is made for?—

“Tell me everything, Theo!” She pulls me out of my daydream again. I’ve got to stop doing that. “I’m so damn happy for you! It’s about time.”

“Marie, I’ve dated since them.”

“No, you’ve had a series of terrible, awful, boring affairs. You would call me and still sound sad. Hell, you called me from their beds and sounded sad. This has a different feel to it. Maybe à l'amour! Does he have a name?”

I sit back and look out the window, watching the traffic. “Xander.” The name slides off my tongue as smooth as butter, and I can’t stop smiling whenever I say it. “His name is Xander.”