Page 65 of Never To Suffer (The Hollywoodland #4)

HAND THAT FEEDS

HALSEY, AMY LEE

Dani has about ten more laps in her pacing before she’ll wear through the floorboards, and we’ll give our downstairs neighbor’s a free skylight.

She won’t tell me what’s bothering her. Every time I try to talk to her, she snaps and goes back to pacing.

We’re supposed to go out today, a date with only the two of us, but she’s canceled for the fourth time in two weeks.

The tickets to the zoo I can exchange for another day, again, but the play she wanted to see closes tonight.

I’d spent the last of my money from Tokyo on those tickets.

I couldn’t look at that money in my bank and not see Oliver’s face or hear my father’s screaming.

I should have turned the money down when my aunt sent me the check.

If it had come from my father, I would have.

Storm Dani changes trajectory and veers for the kitchen, slamming the door to the fridge a few moments later and stalking back to the living room empty-handed.

We had hoped she found a way out of her funk, but the more we try to help or be there for her, the deeper into herself she crawls.

This morning, she lost her shit on Skylar, and they left.

They texted me from Chase’s house to let me know they’re okay, but giving her space.

“Why are you just sitting there?” She yells, so I slowly glance up from my book, half expecting her to be yelling at a plant or a bird on the windowsill. But it’s me.

“Uhm, I’m reading?” I hold the book up and shake it.

“Is that what you do all day when I’m at work? Sit around getting high, play video games, read your stupid fantasy books?” She snarls, waving her hands around to emphasize whatever point she’s trying to make. “Maybe, if you put the smallest effort into?—”

“Dani, I was up till three in the morning working. What do you want from me?”

“Some fucking support! Do I have to do everything myself?”

“You don’t do everything yourself. What are you freaking out over?”

She storms over to a stack of papers, straightening them before shoving them in a box.

Next, she takes a vase of week-old flowers, throwing them in the trash—they could have lasted a few more days.

She continues storming around the house, picking off every little thing that offends her, mumbling about a mess that never existed.

Theo suggested she get tested for ADHD, saying she displays several signs, but she laughed him off because there’s no possible way she has ADHD in her mind.

The closet full of half started, never finished projects might like to argue with her about that, but I sure as hell am not.

“I don’t have time for this!” she looks like she’s about to cry.

Like she wants to scream into the void for an hour or so.

I wish she would. Instead, she slams drawers, mumbling under an audible level, and occasionally lets out a guttural yell, storming out of the kitchen. “Why is this shit still here?”

“What shit?”

She waves her hands around the apartment, exasperated that I’d have the gall to ask such a question. I glance around, not sure what she’s getting at.

“The blood furniture! My reverse dowry! The shit your parents thought would buy my silence when they tried to take you back to their castle of lies!”

“That’s accurate yet dramatic. Uh, mostly because it’s all we have. I told you, when I’m making some more money working, I’ll replace it. For now, I mean, we could sell it, I guess. But that’s just?—”

“Working or working ?” She throws air quotes up around the last word, crossing her arms and staring at me.

I’m not sure how to react to that since she already knows I was up coding and building websites all night.

She also knows I’m trying to stay away from the subscription site for now, maybe forever.

Or until get funding and launch the competitor site.

“Okay, I’m gonna give you some space and?—”

“Blow fifteen other guys behind my back? I’m sure Theo’s real proud of that, dating a guy like you.”

Theo’s proud of me for it. He tells me that every night, and how much he appreciates me and how hard I’m working on myself.

Dani hasn’t said a word about the site, or me sleeping with men, both things she knew about.

She didn’t know about the money for sex, but she knew I already jerked off for subscribers.

The boyfriend we had never stuck around after they found out.

“What are you saying?” My voice stays even, but she can tell she’s hit the nerve she’s aimed for all morning.

“You know what I’m saying! Do you wait for us to go to work and suck some stranger’s cock in an alley, begging him to punch you in the face for it?

Did you do that so you could blow the money on those fucking tickets?

That’s appropriate, isn’t it? Calling them fucking tickets since that’s how you got them? ”

“What the hell, Dani?” I shift so I’m sitting in the chair instead of across it, leaning on my elbows.

I don’t like raising my voice to her. But Dani’s a yeller when we fight.

She goes for the lowest hanging fruit, the hits she knows will hurt the fastest. We haven’t fought like this in months, though.

“Is this because of the suit? Because I didn’t come to you first? ”

“No! But maybe it is. Who the hell cares about what I have to say, anyhow?”

“I do! I always have!” My mind races. This can’t be about the stupid suit. “Theo took us out there to get clothes because you’re busy, Dani. I didn’t want to put one more thing on your plate. Hell, I want to take things off it! I’m trying!”

“You couldn’t even ask, Xander? You went behind my back! You went to my former classmate; do you know how embarrassing that is?”

“I got one suit, Dani. One. Because she told me how amazing you are at making menswear. You know how many times you’ve made anything for me in the last fourteen years?”

“Oh, screw you, I’ve… I made you… It doesn’t matter!”

“It does matter! Jesus Christ, Dani, I’ve got nothing left to give you, nothing.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

You. Deserve. Better.

Theo’s words play in my head, but I never expected I’d use them against Dani.

This isn’t who she is. This is—I stop my excuses before they can form.

She holds everything in until she explodes, and when that happens, I become her verbal punching bag.

She spits her venom, and I’ve built an immunity, but she’s found the weak spot in my armor.

I’ll always fight for her, always. But I’m tired of fighting against her. Against who she’s always been.

“Dani, this isn’t about the kitchen, the furniture, or some fabric you didn’t sew together with your own hands.

You’re scared about Skylar, and probably still pissed off that he left when he got addicted, that we weren’t there for him.

You think we failed him? I’m struggling with that, too.

But that’s the past. Are you upset about Theo, or stressed about your sister?

If that’s the case, we should talk, not scream.

” I shake my head, hoping this isn’t falling on deaf ears, but I’m already seeing that it is.

“Don’t take it out on me! Don’t hide your fake rage behind the money I earned in?—”

“You expect me to believe that you went to Japan, told your dad where to shove his promotion, and they still paid you? That’s bullshit, Xander. How stupid do you think I am? You don’t have a job, so you must have gotten the money somewhere. You’re screwing them again, aren’t you?”

I close my eyes and take a slow breath, repeating the mantra I’ve said for years in my mind. She’s not mad at you. She’s taking it out on you because you can take it. I can’t take it today, though. I should never, again.

“You don’t mean any of this.”

“Maybe I do! If you hadn’t?—”

“Please, I’m begging you, Beetle. Please don’t do this.”

She lets out something between a growl and a scream before she storms into the bedroom, slamming the door shut. I pull out my phone and send a text to her.

“Fine! I’ll go stay at Theo’s!”

“What good does that do? There’s a giant hole in our wall!” She yells through the door. “Besides, he’s in PARIS! With his DAUGHTER!”

“You know what? The hell with this, I’ll go to Paris.

” I mumble, as I stand up and start grabbing my things.

“Get as far away from you as I can, since that’s what you want!

” I shove my laptop and my book into my backpack and yell back to the door, “I’m not doing this anymore, Dani, I’m not.

I’m done. Figure your shit out and let me know if you want me to bother coming back, or if we’re done.

Because I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep giving you this. ”

“Giving me what?” She snaps, whipping the door open so she can stare at me.

“That safety net that says I’ll come back, because this time, I won’t. You’ll be adding me to that list I’ve tried so hard not to be part of. The long list of people who’ve walked out of your life because you pushed them out.”

I don’t wait for her to respond; I don’t want her to.

I storm for the door, rip it open, and let it slam shut behind me.

I stand there in the cold, dim hallway. This part never gets easier for me, and I don’t think it does for her either.

She understands each time it happens, I’m pushed closer to the edge, closer to letting go of us.

She tries to beat the system by pushing people out before they can walk out.

Forcing them out of her life so she doesn’t need to face her own demons.

But I’m always there, always willing to take one for the team, to let her work it out of her system knowing I’m a yo-yo and I’ll only go so far before I come spinning on back to her.

But I’ve brought scissors to this fight, and I’m cutting the string.

It’s the worst possible time for this to happen, which makes it the best time for it, too.

I wait in the stairwell for her to leave for a Skylar-less rehearsal before I head over to Theo’s empty apartment and pack up everything Baggy needs.

She hates the carrier, but I coax her in there with salmon.

I hate doing this. The whole idea of not coming back to Dani rips my heart out, but a night alone may remind her that what she’s asking for might not be what she wants.

I sit in the bedroom under the window, stroking Baggy’s soft fur to help her relax in the carrier.

The tears won’t stop as I force myself to picture life without Dani, trying to convince myself I could make it on my own.

“I guess I wouldn’t be on my own, would I Baggy?

” I say, wiping my face with my free hand.

I glare at the wall. Knowing she’s right there on the other side isn’t helping matters.

“But I couldn’t stay here. You think your dad would move? ”

MEOW!

“Yeah, I don’t think so, either.”

Usually, when she throws me out, I set up a long-term hookup.

Someone who will let me share their bed for a week or two.

My friend’s list isn’t long, but friends who would willingly put me up for a few nights?

I have even fewer options there. I have one I trust enough to know he won’t expect special favors or beat my ass when I try to leave. Small victories, I guess.

Baggy lets out a low mewling noise as I climb down the stairs with her and load her into Theo’s car, screaming her displeasure that I’m taking her.

Or she’s pissed she’s out of salmon. I strap her carrier into the back seat, making sure she’s secure before I climb in and pull out of the garage.

I’ll be back, but I’m unsure what or who I’ll be coming back to.