Page 70 of Never To Suffer (The Hollywoodland #4)

DON’T TELL ME NO

MR BELLA

I can give every excuse in the book, apologize a thousand times, beg on my hands and knees, but it won’t matter.

I said such awful things, things that I must have, at some level, believed.

Why else would I say them to him? Why do I do these things to him, treat him like my emotional tackle dummy?

We both already have the answer to that. We said so much the other day.

He comes back.

Ever since that first time he came back to me, I’ve pushed the boundaries further and further, until I broke through them the other night, completely disregarding the flashing lights and warning messages going off in my head that begged me to stop.

“Xander doesn’t deserve that from anyone, but he especially doesn’t deserve it from me,” I explain to Jamie as I sit in his jeep, waiting for Skylar and the boys to come out of the bar so I can go home.

“I knew what he’d been doing, so why now?

I mean, I didn’t know everything. I knew people paid to watch him online, and I knew he met up with guys for sex.

Hell, we both did. Open relationship. But I also knew he paid for it with blood.

How many times did he come home broken and bruised because of them, because I wasn’t enough? Why am I only mad about it now?”

“Because you’re flying so close to the sun, the wings are melting off.” Jamie replies. “Fly high, if that’s what you want. I won’t stop you. But you stole the wings off someone else, strapped them on, and expected them to work for you.”

“What?”

“You work so hard on things for yourself, Dani. But anything that comes along that doesn’t directly impact you, or, heaven forbid, causes you to stumble, struggle, or lose focus even for a split second? That shit throws you off your game instead of making you try harder.”

“I do try.”

“Yeah, you do. But you don’t try harder .

Not all obstacles are barricades.” He checks over his shoulder to for the rest of the group.

“I mean, listen to what you said. You’re mad because you don’t believe you’re enough for Xander.

But in an open relationship, that means you were sleeping with other people, too. Double standard.”

“What if he means it, Jamie? What if, right when I’m finding the most epic poly fam ever, I screw it up by chasing away the one who means the most? The one who’s my rock.”

“You’re already picking favorites, then?” He teases.

“No! I didn’t mean…I mean…”

“I’m kidding, jeez. That’s not how it works.” He digs around in his jacket pocket and pulls out a bag of marijuana gummies. “Alexis left these in here the last time she borrowed my hoodie. Take one. It will help. I’ll tell Skylar to drive you somewhere fun for the buzz.”

“I don’t need to be high, Jamie. I need to be less of a psychopath. You guys shouldn’t be the only people I can keep in my life. And to be fair, you wouldn’t even be IN my life if you hadn’t fought to stay. I damn near sabotaged this, too! So many times!”

“Sleeping with Steve and then Devin to try to blow up a couple of friendships was a choice. I’ll give you that.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I hate that I did that. I’m glad I haven’t chased you guys away yet.”

“Yeah, because you can’t get rid of us, babe. We’re like a rash!” Coop says, as he climbs into the other side of the jeep and gives me a hug from behind. “Sorry, had to pay before I came out here.”

“Oh my god, who else heard all of that?”

“Nobody. They're making nicey-nice or whatever. I bailed so they could do it without me.”

“You’re in a mood,” I snarl. Rolling my eyes and trying to pull out of his one-armed hug, and failing. “Anything new since you proposed to my sister?”

“Doc says she needs a few more tests, but she kicked me out of the room for a few hours so she could sleep. I might have gotten a little too high, but I don’t care. Oh, did I mention I’m on about three hours of sleep over the last two days?” He grins, kissing my cheek. “So, how bad did it get?”

“Bad. Double bad. Super ultra bad. Like, I can’t take this shit back kind of bad and now he won’t talk to me. I wouldn’t talk to me either, not after what I said. God, I’m awful.”

“Want us to talk to him?” Jamie offers.

“You can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I shouldn’t even be saying this to you guys, but I am, so don’t make it extra weird next time you see him, okay?

” They both nod. “He thinks you guys hate him. He calls you my friend, never his. Except for Steve, but those two have been playing a game of who gets to screw the new guy first for too long now. Go figure, the one of you he considers a friend is the one I’ve slept with. ”

“You also slept with?—”

“DON’T GO THERE, brO!” Coop and I both cut Jamie off before he can remind me once again that I banged Coop’s brother. Neither of us are over that mistake.

“Okay, okay!” Jamie throws his arms up like we’re going to swing on him. “I get it. But it’s true. So Xander thinks, what? That we don’t like him, actively hate him, or somewhere in between?”

“Leaning more toward actively hate. It’s his own fault for his entire phase of letting people believe he dealt drugs. He joked about it, how people judged him because of how he dressed. Of course, he actually supplied drugs to you guys once.”

“Are you still pissed at me for that?” Coop asks.

“It happened ONE time, and I had signed my first actual contract for that superhero thing. I had to at least try coke, didn’t I?

And I did it around people I trusted—Xander and Steve.

” He winks at Jamie and shrugs. “I knew you’d be pissed and kick my ass for it, so I never told you. Sorry, Dad.”

“You’re a dick.” Jamie shakes his head. “Also, you’re the one who told me he was a dealer!”

“He was. I mean, once, to me. And Steve. Plus, they were always the two who had the weed!”

“Why didn’t he ever tell me he wasn’t?” Jamie asks, that crease between his eyebrows getting deeper.

Xander enjoyed the game and would give nonsensical answers or walk away without denying a thing.

The rumor started at one of Chase’s parties, and seemed to grow from there, and it became a character Xander played to protect himself from the truth.

To him, a drug dealer to Hollywood’s elite had a better ring to it than the rich screw-up Dani pity dates.

It gave him a reason to be there that wasn’t me.

“He liked the attention. It got him a few clients for his other side hustle, too. The real one.” I pull out my phone, still no response to the texts I’ve sent him.

He’s been gone a week, and I haven’t told Theo about the fight yet, but I’m sure Skylar has.

“What am I supposed to do? What if he doesn’t want to come back?

There’s a giant hole in our wall connecting us to the place he considers safe, so he won’t stay there. ”

“Add the door,” Jamie suggests. I smack his arm for being a smartass.

“I’m serious! Have Sky put the door in and lock the door.

When Xander’s back, make sure he gets both keys that come with the lock, so he’s the only one who has access.

That way, it’s his choice when and how he literally opens up to you.

The rest of you will use the front doors until you figure this out. ”

“Oh, my god.” I stare at him, mouth agape. “That’s actually brilliant. Well, it will be once I figure out where he is.”

“Where who is?” Steve asks as he walks up to the jeep, arm around Ethan’s shoulders and Skylar walking next to them. “Because if you’re searching for me and all my awesomeness?—”

“We’re not. I need to build a door to find Xander.” My mind won’t slow down at the first real thing to give me hope in days. “I mean, Skylar, we need a magic door with keys to help get Xander back.”

“Still no idea what you’re asking me to do, Beetle.”

We explain Jamie’s plan to everyone and they all agree it’s pretty solid. They also all agree that none of them hate Xander, they all assumed he didn’t like them. That’s something I need to fix after I deal with my colossal mess.

“I can tell you where he is,” Ethan admits, rocking back and forth on his feet and shoving his hands in his pockets.

This should be interesting. “He crashed at this guy’s house, but that fell through after about a day, so he called me.

I found him somewhere, so he and the cat are, well, they’re at my teammates’ place. ”

“Bro, seriously? That’s awesome. But also, bro, love of my life, bright yellow sun in my daisy, beautiful husband of mine. Why didn’t you say something?” Steve asks, arms folded. “Also, also—and more importantly—which teammate?”

“The new guy. Anders.”

“Oh boy,” Steve shakes his head as he stands as stiff as a board, putting on a drill sergeant persona.

“Alright, we’re splitting the party. We’re in Ethan’s truck, so we’ll take that and Skylar and get the door.

You two take little miss-bitchy pants, get her some ice cream, donuts, whatever she needs to cheer up, and get her game face on.

” I flip him off, but he’s still going. “Do your whole buddy bit with each other, or whatever you do. Sky, you call the Therapy bro and have him pick up X and get him back to the house in a few hours. You have your assignments. Don’t fuck this up! ”

“Inspiring, Pumpkin. Get in the truck.” Ethan turns to Skylar. “Are you okay with this? Be honest.”

Skylar leans over, kissing my forehead. “I’ll meet you back home, okay?

We’ll get him back. We will.” They move to go with Steve, but only make it a few steps before turning back around, grabbing my face and kissing me long and hard.

Steve teases them with little noises until Ethan elbows him in the gut.

“I love you, Beetle.” Skylar says, with a sad hope in their eyes as they step away and follow Ethan and Steve.

“What about my car?” I whine, sticking my lower lip out as I stare at the little yellow Fiat.