Page 192 of Never Tell Secrets

“Okay.” His mouth bunched up in a thoughtful pout as he processed the very important responsibility I’d just given to him. I prepared to be pelted with questions but instead he turned back to the tree and shouted, “Merry Christmas!” at the spot where my mum and gran were buried. I broke out laughing as my bubble burst.

Ryan let go of me to explore more of the garden and I watched from the gateway as Riley walked him around, talking to him about each plant and what they would look like when they came back to life.

“Hey, what's going on out here?” Natalie stepped out of the backdoor. She hurried over, a half-drunk Keira following behind her. “Did Ryan let himself in? Oh Lo, I’m so sorry! I told him he’s not allowed?—”

“It’s fine. I told him he could. It’s time.” I stepped aside and after hesitating for a moment, she stepped inside too.

As I watched the three of them, my best friend's hand slipped into mine. She didn’t say anything, but she was there and that was all I needed. Riley looked content with one hand holding Ryan’s, the other wrapped around my sister’s waist. I was so happy for them.

“Auntie Lo, can I write my stories in here?” Ryan’s voice jolted me out of my thoughts. He was climbing up onto the swing seat that sat nestled between beds of bleeding hearts. “I can sit in this seat and see, it has a roof so I won't get wet when it rains.”

The vision made me happy. “Yeah, of course you can. But only if your mum says it’s warm enough.”

“Okay! I can tell all my stories to your mum and gran too! Did they like pirates?” He swung on the seat the same way I had a thousand times and suddenly, every emotion hit me in a wave. “Auntie Lo?”

I forced a smile on my face. “My gran definitely liked pirates.”

Natalie must have caught the crack in my voice because she suddenly clapped her hands together. “Come on, let’s go back inside. It’s freezing and I’ve left the oven on.” She ushered Ryan out with promises that he could explore more tomorrow.

Riley paused as he passed me. “After Christmas you can show me how you like things to be done.”

I nodded. “Thanks Riley.”

Keira squeezed my hand, dark eyes searching mine to see if I was okay.

I was. This kind of grief was an endless process but this was a good step for me.

“Can I have a moment in there?” she asked and I stepped away, giving her some privacy. It was easy for me to forget that Keira had grown up spending more time at my house than she did her own. My gran had practically raised her, I knew she missed her and my mum too.

Her eyes were red when she reappeared a few moments later and she pulled me into a hug. “Do you think they’d be proud of us?”

“Definitely,” I whispered back. I didn’t doubt it for a moment.

Later, Keira and I snuggled into my old, creaking bed, listening to the faint sounds of Natalie and Riley wrapping the last of Ryan's presents downstairs.

Sleep was coming to claim me when Keira gave me a gentle nudge. “Hey Lo?”

“I’m not getting you more rum.”

She chuckled a tipsy laugh. “That’s not what I was going to say.”

“What’s up?”

She was silent for long enough that I turned over to find her staring at the ceiling. “Do you still think about him?”

Alfie.

The name that was never spoken these days. He wasn’t a taboo subject, he wasn’t exactly the elephant in the room either.He was a painful fact that we didn’t need to touch anymore but I knew Keira had questions, I knew she worried. Just as I worried about what was happening between her and Damien. Somewhere along the way she and I had switched places. I had become the worried friend, she the one with the secrets.

“I’ll always think about him but I don’t dream about him, not anymore.”

Sometime over the last few weeks, my subconscious had let him go. The shrapnel remained, an immovable object in my being, but I didn’t hate it. I missed Alfie but I could breathe without him now.

“I’m really fucking proud of you, you know that?”

“Ditto.” I smiled at her. She squeezed my hand and I squeezed back.

“I never thought I’d say this but I’m kind of proud of him too.”