Page 16 of Never Tell Secrets

All night I tossed and turned, wondering what to do. I had read the letter over a hundred times, searching for the lie, the hidden manipulation in his words, but I couldn’t find it.

The afternoon found me hunched over my sketchbook as I got started on brainstorming for my project. I was full of ideas, but my plot needed to say something, and right now I had no idea what that something was. My phone rang and I was grateful for the reprieve. I answered it without looking.

“Lo? Are you busy?” My sister's voice was unusually nervous.

“No, are you okay?” I hadn’t spoken to her much since finding out Riley was Ryan’s father. My sister was a person who liked to figure her drama out on her own and I’d tried to give her the space to do that.

“Yeah, I’m just…how well do you know Riley?”

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been waiting for this phone call. “Well enough to know he’s a good man. Why?”

“He wants to start spending time with Ryan and I don’t know what to do. Can I trust him? It feels crazy to just hand my son over to a stranger, even if he is his father.” Her voice shook with worry. I imagined my sister, sitting at our kitchen table, foot tapping with anxiety.

“You can trust him, but maybe you should start off slow? Spend time together first? All three of you?”

She was silent as she mulled over my words. I could practically feel her warring mind through the phone.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” she whispered. “I’ve imagined finding him so many times, I never thought I’d feel so scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of losing my son,” her voice cracked. “Ofshared custody. Of being away from Ryan for days or weeks while he’s with his Dad. Riley is sowealthy, Lo, he can give Ryan everything I can’t. I’ve never even been able to take him on holiday or buy him a new bike. His shoes are all second hand…what if he prefers Riley?” she sniffed, her words falling over themselves in a desperate bid to be free. “What if Riley getsmarried? Then Ryan is spending so much time with her and maybe she’s younger than me and more fun and he prefers her and?—”

“—Natalie…” My heart broke for her.

“I know I’m being irrational.” She sniffed again, her voice tight as she tried to keep tears at bay. I imagined Ryan playing in the garden, blissfully unaware of his mum’s turmoil.

“No, you’re not. I get it. But Ryan prefers me sometimes too, doesn’t he? Prefers me to do bath time or read him a story and you never get jealous about that right?”

“No, I’m always grateful for the break.” She let out a wry laugh.

“Right. Because when he’s sick, or scared, or really proud of something, who does he always want most?”

“Me.” Her voice cracked and my heart cracked too. I hated that she would ever even question this.

“You’re his mother. Nothing is getting in the way of that. Not ever.”

She was quiet for a few moments as she collected herself. “I know, deep down I do know that. It’s just been the two of us for so long. I don’t want to lose that bond.” I heard her sigh down the line. “I know I’m being selfish.”

“You’re being human. Actually, my advice is to be more selfish. With Riley involved, there would be less pressure on you. Especially if he’s paying child support. You could have a little more freedom, maybe have to worry a bit less about money.”

“Yeah, he, um, he sent me a cheque. For two hundred thousand pounds.” I choked on my coffee, spluttering in shock, and heard her give a little nervous laugh. “You alive over there?”

“Sort of. Are you serious?”

“Yeah, he said it was ten years worth of child support and that it was catch free. I didn’t owe him anything.”Damn, Riley. You really got it right.

“And you’re still wondering if he’s a good guy because…?”

“Because Alfie seemed like a good guy too and he fucked you up royally.” Ouch. That hurt. But she wasn’t wrong. Which only reminded me that if Natalie knew the full extent of what Alfie had done to me and not just the milder controlling behaviours I’d told her about, she wouldn’t want me near him any more than Keira did.

“Alfie is a whole other thing. He and Riley are not in the same boat. I think you’re worrying less about Riley with Ryan and more about Riley with you. Is there something going on there?” My question hung in the air, a long silence hovering down the line.

“I like him,” she admitted, her voice a soft whisper as if she was scared to say it outloud.

“So, just like him. See where it takes you.”

“And if it doesn’t work out? What if Ryan gets hurt?”