Page 188 of Never Tell Secrets

I want you to know I don’t hate you and that I understand why you’re doing this, even though it hurts. I want to thank you for being strong when I couldn’t. I want to say that I’m proud of you, of the man that you’ve become.

Those words you said to me, those three words, I will treasure them for as long as I live. I’m going to keep them safe in my heart along with every other good piece of us. Our Evergarden that will always exist in our minds, sailing with you on The Isabella, not watching Die Hard with you and you wearing those damned Hawaiian shorts.

I’m going to let every bad memory fade away, feathers on the wind. I don’t need to hold onto them anymore and neither do you.

Alfie Tell, you are the strongest person I have ever known. I want you to know that if I see a headline someday that Alfie Tell is dating someone new, marrying someone new, having a baby with someone new, I’m going to beso fucking happy for you. If you find someone that makes you happy I give you my blessing to make them yours and to hold onto that happiness for the rest of your life.

I’m sorry I’ve never said those three words back to you but I want you to know this, if we ever do see each other again either by chance or design, if I’m ready and free to be yours I’ll say them, because they’ll always be true. You’ve earned them.

Your Lo.

Alfie turned over in his sleep, facing me, one hand clutching his pillow, the other roaming the bed as he searched for me. I waited for him to wake up but he didn’t, he sighed and settled, his hand no longer looking for me.

My lip trembled and I bit down on it hard. It was time.

I moved silently, as if I was the last of his ghosts, and lay the journal on the bedside table next to him. My stomach lurched as I tore myself away. At the door I hesitated, allowing myself one last moment to look back at him.

Despite the tsunami of pain heading my way, I knew at that moment that he was going to be alright…and so was I.

Fifty-Nine

Ifelt lost, a nomadic wanderer.

I didn’t belong with Alfie.

Alfie didn’t belong with me.

In a daze, I found my way home, the birds tweeting, welcoming the Sunday morning. I stared at my apartment door. On the other side of that door was Keira and I knew what would happen if I told her. She would have my back and hold my hand but I would cry and mourn and be miserable. Again.

There would be a time for that but it wasn’t now.

I slumped onto the steps. Was this really happening?

Alfie…

For the first time, he felt lost to me. For the last two and a half years I’d been cut off from him, but that was through choice and somewhere in the back of my mind I’d known that if I wanted to, I could contact him and he would return to me. Now, I was bereft of him. It wouldn’t matter if I cried or begged or streaked naked across a football pitch on live television, he wasn’t coming back to me.

Underneath the pain, I knew it was right.

My apartment seemed like an alien planet to me and for the second time in a week, I found myself heading for the trainstation. I needed to go back home. To be with Ryan who knew nothing about this and would distract me, to my sister who would give me the space I needed.

Lost in a daze, I caught a train and a few hours later, I was back at my old house. I pulled out my phone as I walked up the garden path. My texts to Natalie had gone unanswered, as had my phone calls, so I could only assume she was still asleep.

The sun was just rising as I let myself in, careful not to let my keys jingle. I left the lights off and tiptoed to the kitchen. A muffled sound came from the living room and I paused. I squinted and found Natalie napping on the couch.

No…wait.

She wasn’t napping at all and she definitely wasn’t alone.

I started to back out of the room but her eyes drifted open and landed on me. She let out an ear-splitting scream that matched my own. Riley jumped up from his position between her legs.

“Shit! I am so sorry.” I backed away, squeezing my eyes shut and mentally bleaching my brain.

“Lola! Jesus…” Natalie panted, I could hear her scrambling back into her clothes.

“I saw nothing!” With my hand over my eyes I walked into the kitchen, Riley’s laughter echoing behind me. “I am so sorry!” I yelled again.

“It’s fine,” Riley called, “we were done anyway.”