Page 191 of Never Tell Secrets

“Need some help?” Riley offered.

“I’m coming too.” Ryan grabbed onto Riley’s hand. “I’m the best at finding things.”

It didn’t take us long to find the lights. Ryan took them and ran ahead of us inside, shouting to his mum that he’d found them. Riley and I took our time walking the winding path back to the house. As always, my gaze wandered to the hedgeway, picturing my garden that lay beyond it.

“How’s your garden looking these days?” Riley asked.

“Tired,” I admitted. “It needs some work. I'll get it done before I go back to London.”

Riley brought us to a stop, stuffing his hands in his pockets to ward off the cold. “You know, I’m spending a lot of time here. I’m happy to do it for you while you’re in the city. I’ll be respectful of your ma and gran, I promise.”

I squeezed his arm. “I know you would be. I’ll think about it.”

Riley’s offer had occurred to me before. I was so busy these days and as my career expanded that was only going to get worse. My garden was becoming more unkempt and guilt hit me hard every time I came back to it. The spring was going to be difficult when I was so taken up with working for Imani and building my project. The weeds would creep in, plants would die off. I felt like it was slipping away.

“So, you’re sticking around, huh?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah, I spoke to Alfie—” Riley cut himself off, realising what he’d said.

“It’s okay, you can say his name.” It hurt, it was always going to hurt, but it didn’t gut me the way it used to.

“Well, I spoke to him and he’s not happy about losing me from the international team but he gets it. Head of landscape architecture for a site like Harrington is my dream job. Plus I get to be close to my son.” He smiled, joy radiating from his eyes at the thought of the crazy ten year old inside. I wanted to ask himhow Alfie had seemed, if he was happier now, but I didn’t. It was better if I left him in my memories.

“We should get in, it’s freezing out here.”

“Lo,” he put a hand out, stopping me. “I get why you’ve shut your family away in that garden, I know you want to keep them special to you but I don’t think it’s what they would have wanted.”

My instinct was to snap at him, to tell him he didn’t know them so how could he know what they wanted, that’s what old Lola would have done, but I knew he might have a point.

“It wasn’t intentional. I did it because Ryan had a tendency to break everything in his path when he first moved here. I just wanted them to be somewhere safe.”

“I get that. I think it made sense when you lived here and could visit every day.” He gave a noncommittal shrug that I was coming to learn was one of his trademarks. “The offers there.”

“Dad, where did you go?” Ryan dashed out of the back door. “I thought you were following me?”

“Just chatting with your Auntie Lo about her garden,” Riley answered, his tone light, refusing to overreact to Ryan’s insecurities.

“Oh yeah, we aren't allowed in there. On pain of death.” Ryan’s face was all seriousness as he took his dad’s hand. He’d said the same thing to Alfie once and despite the throbbing shrapnel in my chest, the memory warmed me.

“Maybe it’s time that changed.” My hand went to my necklace, thumb rubbing over the smooth glass as I looked at the gate almost hidden underneath the hedged archway. That had been a sacred space to me for so long, the place I went to keep myself sane.

The idea of sharing it had always filled me with dread, as if I was poisoned and giving away the life-saving antidote. Maybe it was time I realised I wasn’t poisoned. I was strong and I washealthy and I didn’t need any coping mechanism but myself, not anymore.

I took Ryan's other hand. “Would you like to see in there?”

His eyes narrowed as if I might be tricking him and he could get in trouble for saying yes, but still he nodded his head.

“Come on then.”

The three of us walked across the garden but when we reached the gate I hesitated. Ryan tugged on my hand, he was excited to go in. Taking a deep breath I opened the gate, my stomach lurching as they stepped inside ahead of me.

“Woah, it’s very cool in here!” Ryan said, looking around. My garden wasn’t cool, not really, but up until now it had been forbidden and I guessed that qualified it as cool. “What's that?” he asked, pointing up at the tree.

“It’s a cornus controversa,” Riley said, pronouncing the Latin words slowly, “but it’s nicknamed The Wedding Cake tree because the branches grow in three tiers, see? In the spring it will be covered in white flowers and it’ll look like a cake.”

Ryan stared up at the tree and I could see him trying to imagine how the tree might look when it bloomed. I knelt next to him, taking his hand to get his attention.

“Ryan, this tree is very special to me. You remember that my mum and gran passed away?” I said and he nodded. “They were cremated after they died and their ashes are buried under that tree. I know you like to play and be silly but in here I need you to be very careful, okay?”