Page 183 of Never Tell Secrets

“I have Ryan to think about.”

“Who would of course hate it if his parents were together.”

“He would hate it if he had his hopes dashed when they broke up because they weren’t young, stupid things anymore.” The tension in her voice told me I had most definitely struck a nerve, but who better to strike a nerve than a little sister? “Who’s to say he even wants to date me? The man travels the world, has an amazing career, why would he wanna drag himself down with?—”

“The mother of his child?” I cut in. “Jesus, Natalie. You really beat yourself with the single mum stick, didn’t you?”

“It didn’t exactly make me popular in my Irish Catholic hometown. And Riley’s a good Irish Catholic boy.”

“Who also had a child out of marriage. He’s in the same boat as you. Why is it that only women get painted with the harlot brush?”

She gave a soft smile but didn’t answer me. There was no need though, we both knew the rules were different for men.

“Whatever. Just ask him. What have you got to lose?”

“My dignity and pride?”

“Oh please,” I rolled my eyes, “when did that ever get a girl anywhere?”

Natalie laughed, her hazelnut eyes brightening. “You’ve been spending way too much time with Keira.”

Fifty-Seven

Ispent the rest of the day with my family. We went to the park and I kicked up piles of leaves with Ryan, then we all ate ice cream despite the weather. Before I left, I gave them their gifts. Natalie loved her earrings and Ryan shrieked when he saw his journal.

Leaving them was hard, as always. The pull to return home to my roots was ever present but I knew I would never get the safe predictability of my old life back. I wasn’t that girl anymore.

The week passed in a blur. Keira and I settled into a new routine without Maia. Despite how quiet she’d been, the apartment felt empty without her.

Always, I thought of Alfie and the images he’d saved of me. Seeing them had helped. I hadn’t expected it. I felt anger, always anger, but some kind of peace too.

There was no trust, that was still a speck of dust in a far off distance, but I didn’t hate him. Not like last time. Hate felt like a useless emotion to me now, a dead weight that served no purpose. The man I’d hated didn’t exist anymore, the hate had nothing to feed on. All I was left with was an empty sadness but somewhere during that week, an idea caught in my mind that wouldn’t leave me alone. A wondering.

One of the things that hurt the most was knowing that he’d continued his spying even after returning to my life. He’d lied to my face over and over, his deception running deep. But maybe it wasn’t that simple.

All week long we barely spoke. A text here and there, but I didn’t call him and despite expecting it, he didn’t call me. There was a strangeness when we spoke now, a distance that hadn’t been there before we looked at those pictures together. They’d changed things for both of us and I wasn’t sure yet whether it was for good or worse.

When Friday night came, I hopped on the tube and made my way to Alfie’s house.

It was late by the time I arrived and I hoped I wasn’t about to wake Ada. I hesitated outside the gates and pressed the button on the intercom, receiving a clipped female tone through the speaker.

“Yes?”

“Hello, I’m here to…uh…” How did I explain this? Maybe I didn’t need to, Alfie never did. He simply announced himself and got what he wanted. “I’m Lola O’Connell.”

“Oh, of course.” The gate buzzed and immediately began to swing open. I let out a laugh, I couldn’t believe that actually worked.

I walked up the long driveway, the front doors opened and Ada stepped out.

“Lola? Are you alright?” Her face held a motherly gaze that struck too sharp in my chest. “Alfie is still in Dubai.”

“I know, I’m not looking for him.” I stepped into the house and noticed every single screen had been removed, leaving blank spaces on the walls. “Do you remember that room you wouldn’t show me the first time I came here?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I’d like the keys to it.” I held up a hand before she could argue. “I’ve already been in, I know what's in there. There’s just something I need to check.”

Ada gave me an appraising look. She liked me but Alfie was like a son to her and I knew she would be suspicious. “May I ask what?”