Page 190 of Never Tell Secrets

I pointed out the window at a particular spot on the road that displayed Harrington House at its best. “I crashed into Alfie’s car right there.”

Deja vu hit me hard when we arrived at Harrington. It was a hive of activity, just like it had been two and half years ago when I’d met Alfie for the first time.

After assuring Riley I was fine on my own I watched him disappear into the house. I kicked off my shoes and stepped onto the grass, not minding how cold it was. I walked with only one destination in mind.

The broken stone steps were chilly underfoot, the trees naked. I stepped into the garden and with tears welling in my eyes, I smiled. The bleeding heart statue of black obsidian was gone, leaving behind nothing but a ragged, empty hole in the ground.

My chest ached, the shrapnel heavy. He’d left me. He was really gone.

I crumpled to the ground, staring at the place where the statue had been. With a heavy heart, I did the only thing that I knew would help in that moment. I pulled my sketchbook from my bag, the one that I took everywhere with me. Pencil to paper I started to draw, mindless shapes, aimless shading, sometimes taking soft form with the ebb and flow of my thoughts, other times harsh scratches into the paper as my pain threatened to rip me in two.

He was gone.

He was really gone.

But that wasn’t what hurt the most. What hurt more, was that it was the right thing to do.

He was still mine, that part of him always would be, but the rest of him was his and despite my pain I was proud, so fucking proud of the man that he was now.

For the rest of my life I could say I’d lived on the edge and jumped. I’d known ecstasy. I’d known love, in its best and worst forms.

My dreams began to take shape and for once they weren’t Alfie, they weren’t my mother…they were me. They were just me.

As the sun rose, the vision for my project came to me and the clearer I saw it the more I smiled. I wanted to show the world who I was.

Sixty

“Aren’t you supposed to put a star at the top of the tree? Or an angel or something?” Riley had Ryan in his arms, lifting him up so he could plant a toy troll on top of the Christmas tree.

“Says who?” Ryan huffed. “A troll is a better defence for the presents than a stupid star.”

“You can’t argue with that logic,” Keira chimed in, the rum bottle clinking against her glass as she topped up her drink. Even though her parents had only moved to Greece a few years ago, Keira had spent every Christmas here since she was fifteen.

So far, this Christmas was like any other. Natalie was running about in the kitchen, stressed but refusing help. Keira was slowly working herself up to a happy level of drunk, but my usual job as Ryan Wrangler had been taken by Riley, leaving me to relax.

We’d all been uncertain how well Riley would slot into our close knit family, but it seemed as though he’d always been here.

I watched my nephew following his dad everywhere he went. From speaking to Natalie, I knew their growing relationship was heading for a storm. Ryan had some abandonment to work through and it was going to take a while for him to realise that his dad wasn’t going anywhere.

Since we’d arrived last night, Ryan had two giant tantrums, complete with shouting and throwing things, something he hadn’t done since he was very small. The first one had been caused by Riley leaving to get more milk without telling him. The second had been when his mum had suggested he brush his teeth without his dad going with him.

It was hard to watch but Natalie and Riley were patient, and watching how they worked as a team I knew Ryan was going to be fine.

“Hey,” Keira nudged me, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” I smiled, “go easy on the rum. I don’t want to deal with your hangover tomorrow.”

She gasped in mock anger. “But it’s tradition that I’m hungover on Christmas day!”

“Fine but just so you know, Riley has gotten Ryan an air horn for Christmas.”

“He’d better not have,” Natalie muttered as she came in to survey the tree. Usually, we would all decorate it together but this year, we let Riley and Ryan do it as a team. I had a feeling that was going to be a yearly tradition from now on.

“It looks great, lad.” Riley clapped Ryan on the shoulder whilst the rest of us stifled a laugh. That was a bare faced lie. Ryan had a hatred of traditional Christmas decorations and instead used ones that we’d bought at Halloween. Our tree was adorned with severed hands and spiders but at least it was unique.

“Lo, can you see if the lights are in the shed?” Natalie asked. “I’ve searched the house but I can’t find them. That’s the only place I haven’t looked yet.”

“Sure,” I nodded, forcing myself out of my comfy spot next to Keira.