Page 153 of Never Tell Secrets

“This is why you were acting so strange onThe Isabellawhen I said I was ready to be with you.”

He nodded, moving to rest his forearms on the edge of the bath. I kept my knees folded tight to my chest. “Guilt. I’d dreamed of getting you back and when I finally did, I knew I was going to risk losing you all over again.”

I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to rid myself of this itch I felt crawling over my skin.

“Just for the record, Elliot hated this. He fought me about it many times but he knew that if he didn’t do it, I would just hire someone else and he would rather be the one dealing with this than a stranger. I want you to know that, for your own peace of mind.”

I let out a sick laugh. “My peace of mind? Alfie, when have you ever given me peace of mind?”

He lifted his chin but he didn’t argue. Alfie had never given me peace. Only ecstasy or agony. He wasn’t a grey area sort of man and the irony of that wasn’t lost on me.

He stood, grabbed a towel and held it out for me to step into. He averted his gaze without me asking as I stood. I climbed out of the bath and let him drape me in the soft fabric.

“Come on, I’ll dry your hair.”

I pulled back, taking a step away from him. “I’ve got it Alfie.” He looked like he wanted to argue but he didn’t. “Have you said everything you wanted to say?”

“Not even close,” he sighed, “but I’ll give you some space for now.”

I followed him back into the bedroom, watching as he rolled down his shirt sleeves and refastened the cuffs.

This wasn’t how I thought this would go between us. Fireworks. There had always been fireworks between us. Fireworks were exciting but they were dangerous too. Whatever this was, it felt safer, saner, and it was all directed by Alfie.

Before he left, there was something I had to clear up with him. I’d waited for him to mention it but he hadn’t and I couldn’t help but wonder why.

“Alfie, what happened with Kal, you know there was nothing in it, right?”

“Why do you think his house is still in one piece?” He gave me a wry smile that didn’t reach his eyes and shrugged into his jacket. “He explained it, said it was cathartic for you.”Cathartic.That was a good word for it. Alfie moved to stand in front of me, I pulled the towel closer, a weak protection against his gaze.

“You think I’m okay with you letting a man you barely know tie you up? I assure you I’m not, but you can get that lecture another time. When you’re ready to tell me how you felt about what Kal did to you.”

Despite the pain, the thought of Alfie doing to me what Kal had begun to do had a flush spreading over my skin. I released a breath, shaking those heady thoughts away.

“You’re moving too fast, Alfie.”

“I’m just seeing our future, a future I didn’t think we’d have until the sun rose this morning and I realised I wasn’t broken.” His expression softened just a little, enough to show the human inside. “There’s hope, Lo.”

I clutched the towel closer, feeling as if I was being stripped, clothes, walls and anger all being pulled away from me. Clothes, walls and anger weren’t things I was ready to let go of. “You can’t just decide that, Alfie.”

He reached up, cupping my face and holding me close. “Don’t tell me what I can’t do. I’m going to fix this, I promise. I won’t leave you to deal with this alone.”

His eyes lingered on my mouth. He wanted to kiss me, to soak me up in his touch until I forgot what he’d done, but he resisted. He pulled away like it pained him and headed for the door. I slumped against the door frame, trying to catch my breath. I hated that he could still do this to me, it made me want to scream and run away, but I resisted too.

Alfie paused as he opened the door. “Lola, just to be clear, if you ever compare me to my brother again, we’re finished.”

‘You’re just like your brother.’I’d said those words last night. Whether I meant them or not, I’d crossed a line. I nodded. I wouldn’t do it again.

“What if we’re already finished?” I asked, my voice hoarse from crying.

“We aren’t, not by a long shot.”

Forty-Seven

Stomach churning, I left Kal’s house and headed for the tube station. The November chill was fully setting in now but my skin still felt heated.

Alfie…

His actions this morning had caught me off guard. Firm yet gentle, dominant yet yielding, sorry yet proud. Slowly he was transforming into the perfect blend of who he was with who I needed. He was finding the balance. It excited me but it angered me too. Why did he get to find his axis whilst throwing me so far off mine?