Page 49 of June: When Gangstas Collide

I sat in the back of the church watching Pastor Kingston give his sermon. Although it wasn’t Sunday, I heard his mid-week services were just as good. I thought about taking my problems to Pastor Black, as I always had, but something in my spirit brought me here. My life had always been on display to others, and tonight I needed to come to a space where I wasn’t known, where my problems seemed minuscule compared to others. In this space, I felt like no one was judging me for the amount of money I had, my background, or my reasons to come and face God.

If Clark knew I had set foot on this side of the city, he would have a fit, but I no longer cared about his tantrums. I didn’t care for the image he wanted to portray. Things looked good on the outside, but inside there were dark things that the Merciers harbored. This moment was for me. The last time I came to God was when I found out about his affair with Angela.

I thought that situation broke me, but finding out about my only child and the things her father had done not only destroyed me but also weighed heavily on me. When Pastor Kingston’s mouth opened, every word that came out, I felt like it was directed toward me. He was speaking to my soul, pulling every single emotion out of me.

His hands swung side to side as he directed his attention to members of the crowd before his eyes landed on me. The way he gripped the mic tightly as his head nodded forward.

“He’s waiting on you. He’s been waiting this entire time. Now is your time to give it to God.”

I sat there as the tears rolled down my face because I wanted to do just that. I wanted to give it to God. I wanted him to forgive me. When the keys from the piano came in and I noticed Sage, I shook my head because she had gone against her mother and stood on what she felt was right, just as Grace had tried to do. More tears came down my face. The thought of Clark and I stripping her of her child changed something in her, making her the monster she had become before her death.

As Pastor Kingston’s words dug deeper into my soul, the doors to the Sanctuary opened to a hooping and hollering Sandra Black.

“Lawd, Jesus!”

she yelled.

“Lord, I’m here!”

Sandra looked horrible. She looked as if sleep hadn’t found her. The sweet, melodic voice cascaded through the church. Sandra stopped walking as her head turned toward Sage. Her voice was so beautiful as she closed her eyes and used the voice God had given her. Sandra shook her head side to side.

“My God! Daddy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,”

she cried.

I tried going to grab her, “Sandra, come—”

She shook me off.

“Get your hands off me, Devil. You and your husband are the Devil!”

she hollered in my face. “Get out!”

she belted.

My eyes widened as I glanced at everyone now staring at me. My watery eyes didn’t know what to do. I took another step back, shrinking myself back into the seat. Sandra took more steps as her daughter continued to let God use her. As Sandra continued to make her way up the aisle, I sat there with all of my guilt pouring out of me. I didn’t know the reason for Sandra’s outburst toward me, but I could only imagine, and it made me wonder if God would ever forgive me.