Page 37 of June: When Gangstas Collide

When I left the house, I walked down the block, waiting for Bishop to show up. My head was all over the place. All I was trying to do was find peace, and somehow, I got exactly what I didn’t want, and that was to be triggered. I continued down the block until I saw headlights turn onto the street. My eyes squinted as I leaned forward to see if it was his car. When I noticed it was him, he rolled down the window.

“Why are you out here by yourself?”

Bishop parked the car in the middle of the street and came over to me. He took off his suit jacket and wrapped it around me. I tilted my head to glance at him.

“Can we go to the cabin?”

“We can go where you want,”

he whispered as he walked me to the car.

As soon as the door opened, London’s paws plopped on the console. I smiled widely as I slid in. Bishop walked around the car, hopped in, and drove off. As we were passing my grandparents’ house, Clark came speeding out, almost hitting us. I could see Bishop's grimace, but I knew he was holding his anger in. He continued the drive in silence before he cleared his throat.

“How are you feeling?”

I knew we needed to have this talk, no matter how much I wanted to be reserved. I wanted him to fuck me just to forget the night, because if I couldn’t go to the moon, getting a piece of ecstasy would be the substitute.

“Honestly, I don’t know.”

I could see his head swing my way.

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m trying to figure things out. Bishop, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I—”

“Who said I do. Indigo, I don’t feel sorry for you. A nigga wants to see you happy. If I could fix what Khas did to you, I would, but sorry, no.”

The silence decided to come back between us. I let Tania’s words get to me. I wanted to believe that Bishop was telling the truth, but that part of me would always believe that it was all out of pity. When he pulled up to the cabin, I stared at it. Memories of the last night he and I were here begin to pop up in my head. I tried throwing it to the back of my mind as I got out of the car. Bishop led the way with London right behind him.

He was so attentive, such a gentleman, such a fucking man that it began to make me second-guess myself on leaving Toussaint for rehab. I didn’t want to leave him behind, but I also didn’t want to stop him from getting the life that he deserved. I didn’t want to be selfish.

Bishop held out his hand for mine, “Come on.”

I placed my hand into his, and he gently pulled me into the cabin. I glanced around as if I had never been here before, when I was in fact at one point bent over the leather chair that sat in front of me. Oh, the memories. I thought to myself.

He stood in front of me, staring.

“What is wrong, baby? Talk to me. I need to know that you’re ok.”

I placed my finger to his lips.

“I need you to listen to me. Don’t say anything until I’m done, ok?”

Bishop’s eyes changed; they became sad, and it made me sad, but I knew this was the only way. I needed to get back to me and I couldn’t do it here.

“I’ve decided to go to rehab. I—”

“You relapse?”

he blurted out.

I dropped my head.

“Bishop, please,”

I muttered.

“I decided to go to rehab. Khas ruined me and I know you’ve tried, baby, I know,”

I said, now taking his hand into mine.

“But I’m not the same. I need help. I almost used the other day because I was so overwhelmed. Hell, I went searching for it because I needed it so bad. Bishop, I’m struggling, and the longer I’m here, the more I’m losing my mind,”

I told him.

There it was the tears. I didn’t even bother to wipe them because they were bound to find their way out. I pushed through my emotions as I continued.

“I love you with everything in me. I love you so much, Bishop, I want to see you happy. I want you to live free without having to lose sleep thinking I’m going to get up and leave. To choose drugs over you and London, and before you say that’s not what you’re doing, I know you're lying. Bishop, I love you so much, I’m setting you free.”

He didn’t blink not once, but as the words free left my lips, so did the tears he had been holding back.

“What are you saying to me, Indigo?”

I reached out to wipe his falling tears.

“I’m saying that I’m leaving Toussaint. I’m saying I need help and I’m saying I want you to be happy without worry.”

Bishop pulled me in and hugged me tightly as we cried together. I lifted my face to his, “Can we make love one last time?”

I mumbled.

He didn’t even respond. Instead, he kissed me. His salted tears mixed with mine as he and I passionately devoured each other. His hand slid behind the back of my head, bringing my face closer, while his other hand rolled up my silk dress. He pulled away, keeping his eyes on me as he gently pulled it over my head. Bishop’s red eyes rested on me. He dropped his head, “I can’t,”

he choked up.

I reached out, lifting his chin, “If the word is not London, you can,”

I muttered.

I began unbuttoning his shirt, loosening his belt, then unbuckling his pants. Bishop came out of all his clothes. His muscled, over-tatted body stared back at me. I reached up, bringing his face down, and licked his collarbone where he had gotten Black Rose tattooed. “Sss,”

he hissed.

He wrapped his arm around my waist as he picked me up and carried me to the very chair that I had truly experienced him in. He laid me back, placed each of my legs over the arms of the chair. He leaned forward, pressing his nose against mine, and closed his eyes as he entered me slowly. My mouth opened and he stuck his tongue in my mouth.

Roll up, slow whine.

“Oo Bishop,” I moaned.

My hand gripped the back of his head for leverage. Closer.

Roll up, slow whine.

His eyes opened and a tear fell.

Roll up, slow whine.

The way he was fucking me this time was so much different. Bishop growing inside me and moving the way he was seemed very intentional. He didn’t want me to leave, and he was fucking me so good, it was his way of begging me to change my mind.

Roll up, slow whine.

I love you. He mouthed.

Roll up, slow whine.

I love you, too. I mouthed back.

Roll up, slow whine.

“Stay, baby, please,”

he begged.

“I-I mm,”

I moaned louder.

Closer.

“Stay.”

Closer.

“Indigo, please.”

Roll up, slow whine.

I was in a bliss that was mixing what I felt for him and what I needed to do for myself. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Bishop began using his finger to play with my clit while he made his way through my insides, and I was on the verge of that moment.

He grunted, then did something I had never heard him do before. His mouth opened and he moaned so fucking passionately, “Mmm, oh my God!”

“Yes, baby, there you go, I’m cummin’ Bishop.”

He looked at me, and it was almost as if in this moment we were feeling the same thing. It was a goodbye without saying out loud as we both cried together.

“I fucking love you the long way, I swear.”

“I-I,”

I sobbed.

“I love you too, the long way.”

Right then, he and I both met ecstasy together. He didn’t bother to clean me up or himself. He picked me up and carried me to the back, laying me in bed, and crawled in behind me and held me tightly. I knew he didn’t want to let go, and neither did I. I had given up on pretending to be ok because I knew I wasn’t, and I hoped he truly understood.

Dio and I had pulled up back to the house. I wasn’t sure how long I was gone, but when I spotted June’s car in the driveway, I knew it was time to tell him what I was feeling. Holding it in was no longer an option. As soon as I got out of the car, something inside me told me this wasn’t going to go well. I turned to look at Dio, “I need you to do me a favor. I don’t want you to ask me any questions, do what I ask,”

I told him.

“Whatever you need, Zaria,”

he replied.

I nodded.

“Call Samara and keep her occupied for the night, please.”

He eyed me curiously as he picked up his phone and dialed out to her.

“I’m outside. Come spend the night with me,”

he paused.

“Zaria is fine. Come on,” he said.

I stood outside and waited until she came out. She hiked her bag on her shoulders as she stared at me with a concerned face.

“Are you ok?”

I smiled.

“I’m fine. Have fun, ok?”

I said as I reached out and stroked her cheek.

Samara gave me a weak smile as she went around and got into Dio’s car.

“If you need me, Zaria, I’m only next door.”

“I’m going to be fine, Dionysus.”

I began walking to the door as he backed out of the driveway.

I’m waiting.

I know you are.

I stepped inside the house and saw the dim lights on in the living room. I exhaled deeply as my feet felt heavy. My eyes landed on June sitting there with a bottle of liquor in front of him and his head in his hand.

“Are you ok?” I asked.

“No.”

I moved closer.

“Ok, talk to me.”

When he raised his head, the look in his eyes was evil. He looked manic. I knew some shit wasn’t right. Closer.

“You’ve been acting strange, and I don’t like it,”

I muttered.

He shrugged.

“What do you expect when your life is so fucked up?”

“But is it?”

Closer.

He shot up from the couch, and I held my hand out.

“I need to get something off my chest before you start. I don’t give a fuck about the plants, June I—”

“Stop calling me that shit!”

he shouted.

My head flew back because of the lash out I wasn’t expecting that, then for him to yell around his plants shocked me. However, I wasn’t going to let him get away with what he was doing. I pointed at him as I eased closer.

“Don’t you do that. You don’t get to fucking do that to me!”

I shouted.

“I’ve been nothing but a fucking support, and it’s me who’s bearing the weight of every emotion you go through, so no goddamnit you will not do that!”

He came around the couch like a madman, “Fuck are you talking about the weight of my emotions, huh, Z?”

he began to clap and clap loudly.

Clap. “What.”

Clap. “The.”

Clap. “Fuck.”

Clap.

“Does that mean?”

“It means that every time you step through that goddamn door,”

I pointed behind me.

“You bring the stress of the world into this bitch.”

He laughed.

“That’s because the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I have people who look up to me and need my help, Z, so yes, I'm bringing it home.”

I couldn’t believe him. This was something he chose to do, and most of the time, he put himself in situations that were not his concern.

“That is because you chose to do that. You’re out here chasing grown ass men, helping them with their problems, when you’ve got your own here. In this fucking house. You promised me you wouldn’t—”

“Wouldn’t what!”

he barked.

Oh, this nigga was mad, and so was I.

“You have a fucking family, June!”

I shouted as my voice cracked.

He rushed into my face.

“That’s not my fucking name, and I asked you to stop calling me that shit,”

he damn near growled at me.

My eyes widened because the man in front of me was a stranger. “No!”

I shouted.

“What is wrong with you. You have lost every bit of your fucking mind since that surgery. You want to be a fucking king so bad. A king doesn’t forget about his goddamn kingdom and that is home! A king puts his family first! A king knows his fucking place and it isn’t out there.”

He placed prayer hands to his lips.

“So, what are you saying, Z? Huh? You want a nigga to give up his crown, to step down from his throne?”

I had now stepped in front of him.

“No, I’m saying I want my husband to remember he has a fucking family because if you give all of your energy to those who don’t need it—"

He leaned forward as he cut me off.

“I’m not taking care of home? Let me tell you something. I want you to hear me good. I am a fucking king, I’ve broken my back for a lot of muhfuckas. I’ve risked a lot. I didn’t ask to be a king; they put me here. All I wanted was a regular ass life, and I can’t even get that. Do you know my name is not my name, Z huh? You know the marriage we have isn’t even fucking real. Z, do you know that a nigga is walking around here building a life on something that doesn’t exist? My kingdom is all I got, goddamnit! No one is going to take that from me!”

I nodded slowly.

“Who determines who you are, them or you? You are who you say you are, June. It’s your name, you earned it. You can’t save the world. You cannot manage every nigga’s business when you can’t manage your own. You cannot sit around and preach to niggas about what they should be, and you do not do the same. You, June, cannot blame me for the chaos you caused outside these walls. You cannot say you love me and make promises you cannot keep. Since you want to be a king so bad, let me share something with you. Even kings’ crowns fall sometimes,”

I finished as I turned to go upstairs.

He grabbed my arm to turn me back his way.

“Where is all this coming from? The shit with Bishop?”

“It’s coming from me, Z, Zaria. I’m fucking tired. Your mind is so caught in everything but here. You extended yourself so much that you can’t even see how thin you have spread yourself. You are out here moving reckless as hell and bringing shit to our home. You—”

He nodded, then laughed.

“You’re a part of me being spread thin, but I guess you're exempt, right?”

I shook my head because I was done. Tears welled in my eyes. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction, but his words cut me deep. However, I wasn’t going to let him get the best of me.

“Let me remind you who the fuck I am,”

I pointed at myself.

“It was I who was there for you when you were sick. It was me who stepped in to help a man I didn’t fucking know get through one of the worst times in his fucking life. It was I who your entire crew depended on to see you through. It was I who said I do. It is me who holds you when you’re having a bad dream or need to be fucked on a regular, I take a back seat to the crew with no complaints while you’re out there causing havoc, I’m checking bitches who’s naming teas after you, it’s me!”

I shouted.

“My body is being used as a fucking vessel for your children!”

I screamed so loud the shit bounced off the walls.

I could see his eyes turn glassy as he looked at me curiously.

“Children? You’re having more than one?”

The tears fell from my eyes as my head went up and down.

“Yes. Yes, I am. So, if I spread you thin, nigga I have a right to. Because as you are a fucking king, never forget nigga who the queen was!”

I spat as I reached into my purse and tossed the ultrasound pictures at his ass.

“I’m done, June. Run this goddamn kingdom by yourself. And don’t!”

I cried.

“Don’t follow me.”

Just to be sure he didn’t, I snatched the necklace off my neck and walked out of the house. The walk to my car was a sad one. Tears rolled down my face. When I got inside the car, I fucking broke. I broke down so badly because he was damaged. All of his pain, trauma, and anger had seeped through the cracks of our home. I didn’t want to give up, but I knew for the sake of my babies and my health, I had to.

I backed out of the driveway, saying goodbye to the love of my life, June.