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TJ

Jimmy was quiet over the next couple of days. He’d dropped me off at Gram’s after dinner Sunday, insisting that while he was upset, he would be okay. He’d said he needed some quiet time to process after all that had happened over the last couple of days. He’d kissed me sweetly, and then I’d gotten out of the car and watched him go, feeling like he’d taken my heart with him.

He’d seemed a little better at school the following day, holding my hand at lunch and later coming into my classroom for a quick hug when students hadn’t been around. I’d offered to take him out for dinner after school, but he’d said he needed to get back to the apartment to do more packing. When Tuesday produced more of the same, I found myself cruising down the county highway after school, heading toward Brinkley.

I pulled into the drive of Sammy’s shop a little after four o’clock. The large garage door stood open, presumably to take advantage of the beautiful fall weather. The trees surrounding the property had started to turn to golds, oranges, and reds, shining vibrantly on what was an otherwise unassuming building. As I stepped out of the car and shut the door, a golden retriever that had been sunning itself on the concrete hopped up to greet me, wagging its entire body happily and rubbing against my legs.

I gave it some love as I peered into the darker opening of the garage, trying to adjust my eyes from the light outside to the darker shop. I’d wrestled with the decision to come here. Jimmy had proven time and time again that he could handle himself and didn’t need me to fight any battles for him. But that wasn’t really why I was here. I’d felt compelled to meet Sammy on my own and let him see for himself just who I was and how much Jimmy meant to me.

I stepped inside the garage, hovering in the doorway, looking for signs of Sammy. I’d reached out to Will, who’d let me know Sammy would be here, and I was sure he wouldn’t have left the shop wide open if he wasn’t. I hesitated to go farther inside, not wanting to disturb his work area, so I called out instead. I wasn’t sure if he heard me or if it was a coincidence, but Sammy stepped through a door at the back, pulling up short when he caught sight of me. His posture went rigid but then relaxed as if resigned to a conversation he didn’t necessarily want to have. At least he no longer appeared hostile.

He crossed to where I was standing, pulled his hair loose, smoothed it back, and then secured it with the hair tie again. “Why don’t you come on back to the apartment. If we’re doing this, I want a drink.”

My brows shot up in surprise, but I nodded and followed him back through the door he’d just come from. “Goldie,” he called out, whistling for the dog, who happily trotted over to join us. “She’s Will’s, but she comes out to the shop with me while he’s at work.”

“She seems like a sweetheart,” I said, following him into the apartment attached to the back of the garage.

It wasn’t a large space, laid out studio style with a living area on one side featuring a flat-screen TV and a loveseat, and a large bed on the other end of the space, with a beautiful mixed-metal art piece hanging on the wall above. Along the wall that ran the length of the entire apartment was a door that looked like it led to a bathroom, a small kitchenette, and a countertop that also served as a small bar.

“Did you make that?” I asked, gesturing toward the artwork above the bed. “It’s gorgeous.”

“No. I commissioned it from a friend.” Goldie climbed up on the couch and curled herself into a ball while Sammy moved to a mini fridge underneath the countertop and pulled out a beer. “Can I get you anything? I have beer, pop, water? Something harder?”

“Just a water is fine.”

He handed over the water and gestured for me to sit on one of the stools while he took one on the other end. “Will says I owe you an apology.” He gave me an assessing look as he took another sip of his beer.

“What do you think?”

“I think I’m still trying to figure that out.”

I chuckled, appreciating his honesty. “I don’t need an apology. That’s not why I’m here.”

He cocked his head. “Then why are you?”

“I asked myself that all the way over here. Especially considering I wasn’t sure if I was entering a hostile environment. Thought I might get kicked off the property.”

“I can still make that happen…” He lifted a brow, but I could see humor in his eyes that were so similar to Jimmy’s.

“I just wanted a chance to get to know you. And maybe for you to get to know me without the pressure of other people around.”

“Does Jimmy know you’re here?”

“No.” His brows shot up. “He’s hurting, Sammy. You have to know fighting with you like that is stressful for him. I didn’t want to add to his worry. At least not before I knew how this would go.” I returned his pointed look.

He sighed, standing and pacing. “I’m not a bad guy.”

“I didn’t think you were.”

He turned and gave me an assessing look as he leaned against the side of the couch. “I’m assuming you know what a shitty mom we had?”

“I know she abandoned you when you were eighteen and he was fifteen. And that you pretty much raised him, even before she left.”

“Then you understand why I’m protective of him.”

“I do.”

He took another swig of his beer and started picking at the label. “Our childhood fucked us both up, but in different ways. Some of which I’m only now getting a handle on, thanks to Will.”

He got up, finished the beer, then tossed it in the trash before returning to lean against the couch again. I didn’t say anything, waiting for him to continue.

“Jimmy was always quiet. Shy. Fragile.” My brows shot up at that. To my mind, Jimmy was anything but fragile, but I didn’t interrupt, wanting to hear the rest. “He was sensitive. Cried easily. Prone to panic attacks and anxiety, though we didn’t have the means to get him formally assessed. He struggled to make friends. Got picked on in school. Got picked on by our mother’s boyfriends. Hell, he got picked on by our own mother. That is when she remembered she actually had children to care for in the first place.” He shook his head at some memory only he could see, and my heart ached for both of them.

“I wasn’t a big guy, but I was bigger than him, and I was the oldest, so I took it upon myself to look out for him. Got in fights with kids who bullied him. Acted as a shield between him and our mom. As we got older and Charlotte—our mom—started disappearing for days at a time, I worked whatever jobs I could find to make ends meet. I built walls to keep people out. To protect myself and Jimmy. I told myself I didn’t need anyone. That I was better off alone.

“The thing I didn’t consider was that as I was building those walls, I was shutting Jimmy out too. He needed someone to care for him. And it wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was that I had no idea how to do feelings . I think he felt like he was alone for most of his childhood. He had me in his corner, but not as his friend.”

It was so different from the way I’d been raised. In my family, we’d always faced our difficulties together. Leaned on each other. Supported each other. Sammy had done his best, but there hadn’t been anyone to show him a better way.

“And then he met you. He didn’t say a lot, but I could tell there was something different with him. He’d drop little hints in conversation or mention you in texts, and I knew you were more than just roommates. I wanted to meet you, especially when I found out you were going to Chicago together, but he always changed the subject. And then we were finally set to meet on Thanksgiving.”

“The meeting that never happened.” My heart twisted painfully, recalling that day. The look on Jimmy’s face as I’d told my family I’d gotten the part and would be heading to Chicago the following week. And the breakup the following morning. I’d spent that Friday packing my dorm, and then I’d gone home to Ma’s. I’d collapsed in her arms the moment I’d walked in the door.

“Right. And he showed up in Brinkley the following day a shell of the man he’d come to be. I hadn’t seen him that upset since Charlotte left. He wouldn’t talk about it. Wouldn’t come out of his room. I’d been afraid he wouldn’t finish the semester, but Monday morning, he headed back to campus, refusing to give an explanation. He was miserable over winter break, but he wouldn’t tell me much more then either. In fact, I didn’t know just how serious you all were until a couple of months ago. What I do know is that he was different after. Whatever happened between you two changed him. He grew into himself. Became more confident. But he also started dating some really shitty guys.”

I winced. I didn’t want to hear it. Steven was bad enough. I didn’t want to know about anyone else.

“I’ll spare you the details.”

“Thanks,” I said, my tone wry, causing Sammy to smirk.

“I’m not trying to be an asshole, just painting the picture.”

“Maybe you can skip over some of it and get to the point? Or we can talk about Will’s ex-husband if we want to compare notes?”

The way his face darkened was almost comical. “Not sure how you know about that, but not cool, man.”

I raised a brow.

“Okay, point taken. What I’m trying to say is that after you left, I think Jimmy was ultimately afraid of being alone. After Charlotte dipped out and I broke up with Will, I convinced myself I didn’t need anyone. That I could figure things out on my own. But Jimmy… I think he just so desperately wanted to be loved. And he got a taste of that with you and was afraid to go without it ever again.”

The emotion that swept through me was devastating, like a punch straight to the gut. How much had he put himself through in the last five years, chasing love from the wrong men? While all I’d wanted was to be that guy who got to love him.

Well, the good news was that I was here now, and we had our whole lives ahead of us. I’d spend every day showing him just how much he was loved if he let me.

“So you were pissed at me yesterday because I left him? And that, as a result, he went after some real winners looking for love? Is that it?”

“Kind of?” He squinted at me. “I mean, obviously, I sound like a dick when you put it like that.”

I held up my thumb and forefinger spread about a half-inch apart.

“Yeah, I know. Will said the same thing.” He grabbed a water out of the fridge and took a seat on the stool where he’d been when we started talking. “I was hard on the guys Jimmy dated. We fought over it about a year ago, and I promised to back off. Then he dated the worst one of them all. I know you’re not responsible for any of that, but I’m pissed that I didn’t do more to stop it, despite my promises not to interfere. And then you show up, and all I know about you is that you left him and that it fucked him up. How am I supposed to know you’re not taking advantage of him when he’s vulnerable? Or that you won’t leave him again?”

“You don’t know any of that. I can tell you I’m here to stay, but it’s your choice whether you decide to believe me.”

“Will said that too. Is it true that Jimmy slapped that asshole in front of a crowd at the club on Saturday?”

“Yep.”

“Jason told Will you didn’t say anything. You let Jimmy do all the talking.”

“That’s right.”

“Why? If you’re such a good guy, how could you just stand there and not punch him in the face.”

I chuckled. “I wanted to, though I’m a dancer and a performer. I don’t know the first thing about throwing a punch.”

“I know you think I’m joking, but I’m kinda not. Why didn’t you stand up for Jimmy? Why’d you let that asshole get anywhere near him?”

“Is that what you think I should have done? Been Jimmy’s protector?”

“It’s what I would have done.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

His shoulders slumped, defeated. “He’s not speaking to me.”

“Right. But also… You said earlier that Jimmy is fragile. I don’t think that’s true. Jimmy’s the strongest person I know. With everything you guys went through, he pushed through it. He survived. He got his degree. And when teaching English wasn’t a good fit, he got his second endorsement. He refused to give up. Yet he doesn’t see himself as strong. Why do you think that is?”

Sammy glared at me, then took a drink of his water.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s your fault. But Jimmy has been made to feel weak in one way or another his entire life. If I’d stepped in and fought his battle for him, I’d just be another person essentially telling him the same thing. He needed to do it himself. I had his back, and so did the rest of his friends. But Jimmy needed to tell that fucker off once and for all. And he needed to prove to himself that he could do it.”

Sammy’s expression transformed into one of grudging respect. “I’m a little jealous I wasn’t there to see it.”

I grinned. “I’m not gonna lie. It was glorious.”

“I’ll bet it was.” He smiled. “I was proud of him when I heard about it.”

“You should tell him.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Goldie’s head perked up moments before we heard the front door open and close. She gave a delighted yip, then hopped down from the couch and ran down the hall.

“You haven’t killed each other yet, have you?” Will called out. “TJ, cough two times if you need help.”

“I don’t think those signals work if the aggressor hears them too.”

Will appeared from the hallway and made a beeline straight for Sammy. “Are you behaving?”

“Yes, Dad.” They kissed briefly, then pulled away. “What are you doing out here? I was planning on meeting you at home.”

“I thought I should make sure you two weren’t killing each other.”

“You don’t trust me? That hurts, golden boy.”

I chuckled. “This feels like maybe a good time to head out. Are we cool?” I asked, looking at Sammy.

“Yeah, man. We’re good.” He slid a side-eye to Will, then back at me. “I’m, uh, sorry for being an ass the other night. You seem like a good guy.”

“Thanks. Maybe give Jimmy a call?”

“Yeah, I hear you.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle as his face assumed a resigned look as if he’d just been caught stealing and was being forced to fess up.

I gave Goldie a scratch and then, with a little wave, headed out.