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10

JIMMY

After that day in the forest, TJ and I settled into an easy companionship. We’d talked for a little longer, the subject turning to lighter things, and then he’d said he needed to head to a family cookout. He’d invited me along, but after my epic monologue, I’d needed some time alone to recharge. By the time he’d returned to the dorm later that evening, I’d felt much more myself, even feeling a little proud for putting myself out there. There’d also been relief that the awkwardness between us seemed to have dissipated.

The following week, we walked to our Ad Psych class together and went to lunch afterward on both days. TJ had chattered away while I offered the occasional response. He’d still carried the bulk of the conversation, but this time, it was comfortable. He was happy to do the talking, I was happy to let him, and there wasn’t any expectation otherwise.

We saw each other less frequently in the evenings. I’d taken a job at the campus library while TJ spent a significant portion of his time preparing to audition for the fall musical. They’d announced on Tuesday that it would be Rent , and he’d freaked out as, apparently, that was one of his all-time favorites.

Friday afternoon, I found myself in the dorm room alone, attempting to read and failing mightily. I had a light homework load to complete over the weekend and wanted to treat myself to some reading for pleasure, but I was struggling to focus on the words and found myself reading the same paragraph again for the third time. The cast list for TJ’s show was supposed to be posted today, and I knew he was really nervous about it. I couldn’t help but worry on his behalf.

I was just about ready to give up on my book when the door swung open, banging against the doorstop, and TJ burst through, his eyes glittering with excitement. “I got it! I got the part! I’m playing Roger! I couldn’t decide if I wanted Roger or Mark or maybe Angel or Collins, but I got Roger, and I’m so damn excited!”

He grabbed my hands and pulled me off the bed, scooping me into a hug and twirling me right off my feet. I laughed. It was impossible not to join in his exuberance. I tried not to think too hard about how good it felt to have his arms wrapped around me. We were friends. He was excited, and I was happy for him. That’s all there was to it.

“We have to go out to celebrate!”

I stumbled a bit as he put me down, my feet tangling together. I fell back on my bed with a bounce. He headed to his closet, rifling through shirts, mumbling as he yanked the plastic hangers back and forth.

“Didn’t you tell me you have your brother’s football game tonight?”

“Shit. I almost forgot. I guess we’ll have to celebrate a different time.” He was so cute standing there, pouting like he’d just dropped his ice cream cone. “But wait, you should come with me!” The sparkle of excitement was back in his eyes as he rushed over and sat beside me, grabbing my hand and tugging it forward. “Come to the football game with me.”

“Isn’t it like a family thing?”

“I mean, my family will be there. But that doesn’t matter. You’ve already met Tyler. And you can meet Ma and maybe Trent after.”

“I don’t know anything about football.”

“That’s okay. I’ll help you.” He looked at me expectantly, and I didn’t know how to say no to him. But my heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and I didn’t know how to say yes either.

He huffed out a breath, releasing my hand and scooting back on the bed a little. “I’m doing it again, aren’t I? That intense thing?”

I chuckled, his concern somehow putting me instantly at ease. “Maybe a little. But yeah, I’ll go.”

“Are you sure? You can tell me to forget it.”

I laughed again. I seemed to be doing more of that lately when TJ was around. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

* * *

We arrived at the football stadium just as the band was heading off the field after pre-game. Football—or any kind of sports, really—was not my thing, but I’d attended quite a few football games in high school, mostly to watch Mandy and Drea perform with the dance team. This game was my first outside of Astaire, so I stayed close to TJ, keeping hold of his hand as he wove his way through the crowd and down to the seats.

TJ was a hand-holder. I’d first noticed it that day in the theater building, but he’d done so again as we’d threaded through the mob in the cafeteria during lunch on Tuesday and once more as we’d walked to our Ad Psych class on Thursday. He’d done it again tonight when he’d invited me to the game. It seemed to be a spontaneous thing, almost like a reflex that I wasn’t sure he realized he did, and I tried not to read too much into it. Especially after I’d seen him crossing campus from a distance, holding hands with another one of his friends. He was just a touchy-feely guy. While I… Well, I was starting to think maybe I was touch-starved. It wasn’t something I’d ever longed for or had even noticed was missing until TJ had started grabbing my hand and I’d realized I liked it a lot more than I had any right to.

We stood at the top of the steps while TJ scanned the crowd, looking for his mom or brother, who’d both said they’d be there. Apparently, at least one of them attended every home game, and most of the time, all three were present. It had been the same for all of TJ’s performances and for Tyler’s sports as well. They showed up for each other, he’d told me. It was a core principle drilled into them by their mom, and though they’d complained about being dragged to their siblings’ activities when they were younger, they’d grown to appreciate it.

I wondered what that would be like, to have someone show up for you relentlessly. Though, I hadn’t participated in any activities for anyone to show up for. No sports. No performing arts. No swim lessons or martial arts. Those sorts of things cost money. Money that went toward Charlotte’s drug and alcohol habits. I’d joined the Gay-Straight Alliance during my last year of high school, but that single activity had been the only one of my childhood and wasn’t really the sort of thing that needed spectators. I’d only joined because Drea had come out as bi and wanted me to go with her.

The thought of being surrounded by people who were consistently there for you, who showed up over and over again, was actually kind of overwhelming. I’d had Sammy, who’d supported me in ways I probably didn’t even realize. But he’d spent so much of our childhood running interference between Charlotte and me and then working his ass off to make ends meet after Charlotte left. Sammy’s love wasn’t big and loud and in your face. It was in acts of service. Making sure we had a roof over our heads and food to eat and paying my tuition. I would be eternally grateful for him and all he had done for me. Yet I still wondered.

A woman decked out in green and gray, the school’s colors, waved madly at us. TJ waved back, then tugged on my hand again, pulling me down the steps behind him. I was curious about his family. I’d only met Tyler once, but I’d been so focused on the shock of seeing TJ again that I’d barely paid him any notice. And what was his mom like? TJ had never mentioned his dad, and I hadn’t asked, though I’d gotten the impression he’d been raised by a single mom. What must it have been like for her to raise three boys on her own? And to show them the kind of support she had? What would it be like to have a mom like that?

My thoughts were spinning in circles. There was no use in wondering what might have been. It wasn’t like I could change any of it.

We scooted into the row, climbing over folks already seated to get to TJ’s mom in the middle. Now that we were closer, I saw she had dark hair like TJ’s, though her eyes were a deep brown rather than indigo blue. She wore a large button with a picture of a football player in uniform. The player didn’t have the usual stoic, battle-faced expression most other football players wore in their hype photos that I remembered from high school. Trent had a grin nearly as wide as the button itself. He looked so much like TJ that I almost looked again to be sure it wasn’t actually him.

“Hey, Ma. This is my roommate Jimmy.” He gestured to his mom. “This is my mom Tracy.”

“Hey there, Jimmy,” she said, wiggling over to make room for us. If she thought it odd that TJ brought his roommate to a high school football game, she didn’t mention it. Though perhaps I was the only one who thought it strange. I definitely wasn’t qualified to assess normal behavior for most families.

“Where’s Tyler?” TJ asked, leaning over me to speak to his mom. I missed her response. My hand was still clasped in his, resting on his thigh. I could feel the tickle of his leg hairs and the heat of his skin against the side of my hand. I couldn’t focus on anything else.

Something happened on the field that caused everyone to shoot to their feet and throw their hands in the air. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but TJ had released my hand, which was probably for the best. The band played and then TJ was tugging on my sleeve and pointing toward the guy who looked like he was getting ready to kick the ball.

“That’s Trent,” he said, and then we watched as he kicked the ball straight through the posts and the band played again. Everyone around us clapped and cheered, so I clapped along with them, even though I didn’t know what was going on.

Tyler showed up then, coming down the row from the other end. He gave his mom a hug and we all sat, watching as Trent kicked the ball toward the other end of the field. The game proceeded and conversation flowed as TJ leaned over me to talk to his family. At one point, I offered to switch spots with him, but he just grabbed my hand again and went back to talking with his mom.

By the end of the game, I was exhausted and overstimulated but also…surprisingly happy. Listening to TJ and his family talk had been enlightening. They discussed his grandma’s eightieth birthday party that was happening in a couple of weeks. Tyler mentioned a test he’d taken earlier in the week that he’d scored well on. He also mentioned a girl more than once, and you better believe TJ and Tracy both noticed and flipped him shit about it, laughing and teasing and asking a bunch of questions. At halftime, TJ shared his good news about getting the part in Rent . Tyler and Tracy hugged him and immediately pulled out their phones to enter the performance dates in their calendars. I pulled out my phone and added the dates too.

After the game, we stuck around the parking lot, waiting for Trent to come out of the locker room. He finally arrived, with his hair standing on end from his shower, but with the same wide smile as in the photo on Tracy’s button. They’d dominated the game, winning forty-two to ten, and he wanted to know if he could grab pizza with some of the guys. Tracy gave him a twenty and told him to be home by midnight.

Back in the car, we rode in silence with the windows down, letting the humid night air ruffle our hair as we headed toward campus. I was surprised he’d turned the radio off but didn’t question it, basking in the relief of silence. A couple of blocks from campus, he turned into Sonic and pulled into one of the drive-in slots. “I know it’s not Sherry’s Soft-Serv, but you want anything?”

“Oh, um, I’m good, thanks.”

“Really? You don’t want anything? We’re supposed to be celebrating.”

“A vanilla milkshake would be good, I guess.”

“Just a vanilla shake? No mix-ins or flavors?”

I shrugged. “I like what I like.”

“Fair enough.” He placed our orders, then turned back toward me while we waited. “I know my family can be a lot. Thanks for coming tonight.”

“I like your family. I had fun.” And I meant it. They were the most genuinely nice people I’d ever met.

“What’s your brother like? You just have the one, right?”

“Yeah. Sammy. He’s three years older. He’s… We’re very different people.”

The carhop arrived at our window, dropping off our ice cream. I sipped my shake, letting the ice cream melt on my tongue as I tried to figure out how to describe my brother.

“I told you a little about Charlotte. She?—”

“Charlotte?”

“Our mom. We stopped calling her ‘Mom’ shortly after she left.” A crease formed between TJ’s brows and his jaw tightened, but he didn’t say anything, so I continued, “We had a shitty childhood. Charlotte was gone a lot, either strung out on drugs or with her boyfriend of the month. And Sammy, being the older brother, took it upon himself to take care of me. He won’t take credit for it, but he essentially raised me.”

“Wow. And he’s only three years older?”

“Yeah. He was eighteen when she left us. It really fucked us up, but Sammy was determined to keep us together. He didn’t want me to go into the system. He worked his ass off, learning to become an auto mechanic, and in the process, became a metal artist.”

“No shit?” TJ’s eyes had blown wide.

“He’s a welder. Just sold a sculpture to Warren Buffett a couple of months ago. It’s why I was able to afford to transfer here from the community college.”

“Wow. That’s impressive. Your brother sounds like an amazing guy.”

I chuckled. “Sammy’s kind of an asshole, actually. He’s prickly and gruff and doesn’t take shit off anyone. But underneath, he’s got the biggest heart of anyone I know. Just…if you ever meet him, don’t let on that you know that. He likes to pretend otherwise.”

“I’m glad you have him.” His voice had gone soft, his eyes intense, the blue almost black in the darkened car.

“Me too. I don’t know where I’d be without him.”

He turned back toward the steering wheel, backing us out of the slot and heading toward campus. He parked, and we walked into our building together, finishing our ice cream on the way.

Once in the room, we got ready for bed, not saying much as we did so. I wasn’t sure why TJ was quiet, but being exhausted from all the extroverting, it was a relief to not have to keep up conversation. We climbed into our beds and shut off the light, though I could see the glow of his phone and knew he was still awake. After a few minutes, he darkened the screen and set it on the charger.

I lay there for a long time thinking about family. Maybe my life would have been different if I’d had a family like TJ’s. But I couldn’t change that, and even if I’d had a family like that, I still would have wished for a brother like Sammy.