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TJ

Our trip to Chicago was a whirlwind. Gram insisted on helping to pay our way, which meant we were able to afford a flight and a hotel in the city rather than making an eight-hour drive and finding a hotel somewhere in the suburbs.

It was Jimmy’s first time on an airplane—his first time anywhere outside of Nebraska, actually—and he spent most of the ninety-minute flight with his face pressed against the window, even though there wasn’t much to see with it getting dark so early this time of year. We stayed at a hotel right in the Loop, not far from several theaters and the offices of the Windy City Talent Agency, where I’d be meeting with Ms. Franklin. She’d sent some paperwork to look over ahead of our meeting, and I was ninety-nine percent sure I was going to sign with her.

After figuring out how to navigate the L from the airport into the city and checking into our hotel, we ventured out for a late dinner, grabbing Italian Subs from a little shop down the block. Completely exhausted, we collapsed into bed, luxuriating in the space a queen-sized bed afforded us rather than the twin we squeezed into in the dorms.

I woke up extra early ahead of the meeting, unable to sleep in with all the adrenaline coursing through my veins. Despite what I’d told Jimmy about not getting nervous, I had to admit I was a little anxious about today. It wasn’t every day you signed with an agent and went on your first audition for a professional touring show.

As it turned out, things could not have gone any smoother. Ms. Franklin was warm and friendly yet professional, putting me at ease, and my audition felt like it went well. I was competing against other professionals with more experience than I, so there was no telling whether I’d actually get the part, but for my first professional audition, it felt like a success.

Jimmy and I celebrated with dinner at Geno’s East. Maybe we should have splurged for something fancier, but deep dish pizza was so classically Chicago, and we were not fancy people, so it felt right for us.

We showered together, making out and jacking each other off as the hot water pelted us and the bathroom filled with steam, then climbed into bed to watch a little TV and wind down. We fell asleep halfway into a rerun of The Office, wrapped in each other’s arms.

* * *

A little over a week later, I got the call.

Our visit to Chicago had been lovely, but as we were nearing the end of the semester, there were projects to complete and practicum hours to acquire, which ate up most of our time. These distractions were welcome as I struggled to balance my desire to hear the audition results with my desire to avoid confronting how it might affect my relationship with Jimmy.

Jimmy himself had seemed more stressed as well. I’d come home from dance classes on Saturday to find him wrapped up in blankets asleep. He told me later that he’d spiraled into an anxiety attack after I left, and though he’d managed to get it under control, it had left him exhausted. He’d said it was just the stress of his coursework getting to him, but I suspected he was worried about the future of our relationship just as much as I was. We’d spent the rest of the afternoon curled up watching eighties movies— Sixteen Candles and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off this time—and by Sunday, he seemed more himself.

The Monday before Thanksgiving, I was heading to meet Jimmy for lunch at the union when my phone rang. I fumbled it out of my pocket, my pulse skyrocketing when I saw it was Ms. Franklin calling. I ran up the stairs of the nearest building, stepping inside and out of the wind, and took the call.

“Hello?”

“Good morning, Mr. Sullivan. I’ll spare you from small talk as I’m sure you want me to get straight to the point. Congratulations! You got the part!”

Anything else she said after that was lost, overtaken by the thundering in my ears and the roar of my pounding heart. Could you hear your own heartbeat? Was that a thing? Because I was pretty sure I was hearing my own right now.

“Mr. Sullivan? Are you there?” Her voice held a note of humor.

“Yes. Yes, I’m here. I’m just in shock.”

“That’s to be expected. I’m going to email the details so you can look over everything once the shock wears off. The big thing to note is that they want you in Chicago for rehearsals by December first.”

“ December first? But that’s a week away. And I still have finals the week after that.”

“I understand the timing isn’t ideal, but they’d like to get in several weeks of rehearsals before breaking for the holiday and then starting the tour in January. Is that going to be a problem?”

“No. No, it’s no problem.” It was definitely a problem, but I’d figure something out.

“That’s good to hear. I’m sending that email now. Don’t hesitate to reach out with questions. Congratulations again!”

“Yes, thank you so much!”

I disconnected the call, stepping back into the wind to resume my route to the union. I walked in a daze, barely noticing the blustery wind that pelted me as I went. Arriving at my destination, I stepped inside, heading toward the tables where Jimmy and I usually sat, pulling up short when I spotted him. He was partially turned away from me, his head buried in a textbook, nodding along to whatever music must have been playing in the earbuds he was wearing. God, I loved him so much.

Reality slammed into me with the force of a tornado. How could I possibly leave him? My stomach rolled with that thought just as he looked up and spotted me. The smile that lit up his face was as bright as the sun, matching the nickname I’d given him. How the hell was I going to tell him?