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11

TJ

I couldn’t stop thinking about what Jimmy had told me about being raised by his brother. I’d been distracted by it throughout my dance classes on Saturday and found myself stopping at the house afterward rather than heading directly back to campus. Ma and Trent were out front doing yard work—Trent with the mower and Ma with the edger—but they both stopped when they saw me pulling up, smiling wide as I got out of the car and walked up the sidewalk.

“Well, this is a surprise. You miss me already?”

“Always.” I bent to give her a hug, but she put her hand out in protest.

“I’m sweaty and gross.”

“So am I. I just came from dance.”

She turned her cheek toward me and pointed at it, and I obliged by giving her a peck rather than the hug I’d originally been going for.

“Trent, honey. Go grab us some waters.” She turned back toward me, her brows creasing in concern. “What brings you by today? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, Ma. Everything’s fine. I just…” I looked off to the right, trying to get my thoughts to coalesce into coherent words. “I think I just want you to know how grateful I am for you.”

“Honey. That’s very sweet, but you’re kind of freaking me out.”

I chuckled, rubbing the back of my neck. “Last night, Jimmy shared some things about his childhood—about his mom—and it made me realize how lucky we were to have you. I know it was hard after Dad died, but you made sure we never wanted for anything. No matter what, you had our backs, and I know not everyone has that. I’ve always known how lucky we are, but to hear Jimmy talk about his situation… It just really hit home, you know?”

“Come on. Let’s sit down out of the sun.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me over to sit on the front step, where it was shaded.

Trent came out with cups of water, handing them to Ma and me and keeping one for himself. He looked back and forth between us, clearly sensing something was going on, but Ma shooed him off, telling him to start on the backyard and she’d be there in a minute. He rolled his eyes but downed his water, handed me the empty cup, got the mower, and began pushing it toward the backyard.

“You really like that boy, don’t you?”

I shrugged. “I tried not to. But I just can’t help it.”

That wasn’t true, though, was it? I hadn’t really fought against it. Only pulled back so I wouldn’t freak Jimmy out. Maybe I shouldn’t be crushing on him because he was my roommate, but that part didn’t really bother me. Besides, like Jimmy said about his shake last night, I liked what I liked.

“You always were a sucker for the sad ones.”

I stiffened at that. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Relax. It’s not a bad thing. Your strength has always been in your compassion. Just make sure you’re not so focused on saving him that you stop taking care of yourself.”

“He doesn’t need saving. He just needs to see his own worth.”

“And you’re going to be the one to show him?” She raised her eyebrow as she sipped her water. She knew me so well. I did want that. I think I’d wanted it since the first time I met him in the forest.

“He’s my roommate, Ma. Right now, I just want him to be my friend. I don’t know if there’ll ever be more to it than that.”

“That boy’s never going to know what hit him. There’s no stopping you when you’ve put your mind to something.”

“Maybe. But Jimmy’s different. He’s…special. He doesn’t need me to lay on the charm. He just needs someone to be kind to him. The quiet type of kindness that isn’t in words but in actions. He needs someone who listens, not just to what he says, but to what he doesn’t say. Because he doesn’t speak a lot, but if you listen, everything you need to know is there.”

She stared at me long and hard. “You really do have it bad.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I shrugged as I sipped my water, knowing it was true but unwilling to do anything to pull it back or rein it in. I wasn’t sure I could, even if I wanted to.

“I’d tell you to be careful, but that would be a waste of my words.”

“Yup,” I said, popping the P and flashing her a grin. I finished the rest of the water, then stood, holding the empty cup out to her. “Now, why don’t you go inside and let me finish the yard?”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m perfectly capable of?—”

“You’re more than capable. That’s not the point. Let me do something nice for you, Ma.”

She took the cup from my hand and stood. “You’re a good boy, Tommy.”

“Only because I have a mom who taught me how to be.”

“Okay, now you’re laying it on thick,” she said, patting my cheek. “I’ll take the help, but you’re staying for dinner.”

“Deal.”

* * *

My schedule became increasingly more difficult to manage with the start of rehearsals for Rent , but I was used to that. Between my activities and my brothers’, we’d spent most of our lives on the move from one thing to the next, and as a result, none of us had ever figured out what to do with downtime on the rare occasions we had it. I’d always liked being busy. On the go. Energized by the connections I made with the other people involved. Only now, that meant less time with Jimmy.

Which was fine. We were roommates. Moving toward friendship, I hoped. We didn’t need to see each other every moment of the day. It hadn’t been like that since we’d moved into the dorm anyway. We both had classes, homework, and other priorities. Except it felt like something shifted between us in the last week. It wasn’t a seismic shift—Earth hadn’t tilted on its axis—it was more like a gentle slide. He’d become less guarded, opening small bits of himself and letting me see who he was inside. As a result, the crush I was harboring had only intensified. The more he revealed, the more I wanted to know.

My rehearsal schedule put all of that on hold. It was my senior year, and I was playing a role I’d wanted to play for years. I was grateful for the opportunity, yet…for the first time in my life, a small part of me resented being busy. At least I could look forward to seeing him in our Ad Psych class. But when I showed up for class on Thursday, he wasn’t there. Ten minutes into class, I’d completely missed everything the professor had said because I’d been so focused on wondering what happened to Jimmy. I finally took my phone out and sent him a text.

Hey! You ok?

I stared at my phone, willing him to respond. I was relieved when I didn’t have to wait long.

Sunshine

Not feeling well

I frowned at the text. He’d seemed fine when I’d seen him briefly before bed last night, but I’d been up before he was awake this morning, so I hadn’t spoken to him.

Sorry to hear that. Want me to bring you some soup after class?

I’m not hungry. I’m just going to try to sleep it off

Ok. Let me know if you change your mind

*thumbs-up emoji*

I stared at the screen for a moment longer, then put my phone away and did my best to focus on the lecture.

The rest of the day dragged on. I’d subbed out my Thursday night dance classes for the next several weeks so I could attend Rent rehearsals, but I still had to participate in said rehearsals before I could get back to the dorm to check on Jimmy. Then, around four o’clock, I got a notice that the theater building was closed due to a plumbing emergency. Rehearsal was relocated to the music building and ended earlier at eight instead of ten. Which meant that at eight oh seven, I was currently on my way back to the dorm with two cups of instant noodles that I’d purchased at the C-store just before they’d closed.

I entered the dorm, taking care to move quietly in case Jimmy was sleeping. The overhead light was off, but he’d left the desk lamp on, casting a soft glow over the room. I set my backpack down and put the noodle cups on my dresser, then stepped over to the bed where Jimmy was curled into a ball, his back to me. He was buried in blankets pulled all the way up to his chin, and when I peered over to see if he was awake or asleep, I saw he had a book open and appeared to be reading. I sat gently on the edge of the bed and must have startled him because he scrambled onto one elbow, yanking out an earbud as he looked at me with wide eyes.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” I said, hands out in front of me placatingly.

“I didn’t hear you come in. I thought you weren’t done until ten.”

“We finished early. It’s a long story.” I waved a hand in front of me dismissively. “How are you feeling?”

He dropped his eyes. “Oh. Um. Okay, I guess.”

“I brought you some soup. It’s just instant noodles, but I figured you probably didn’t want anything heavier. Do you want me to heat it up?”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” I said with a soft smile. I stopped myself from adding take care of you to the end of the sentence because that seemed like a little much. I was still working on the intensity thing. “Do you want chicken or beef?” I asked, standing to grab the noodle cups off my dresser.

“I’m not…” He huffed out a breath, and I turned back to look at him. “I’m not sick. Or at least not physically.”

I sat back down, waiting for him to explain, though I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say.

“I’m just having a bad day. Like not a regular person bad day. A bad day, anxiety-wise.” He fiddled with the edge of the blanket, refusing to look at me, though the color had begun to rise up his neck and into his cheeks.

Carefully, I scooted closer, pulling his hand in mine. He didn’t resist, though he still wouldn’t look at me.

“What triggered it?”

“Nothing. It just sneaks up on me sometimes.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Most of the time, I can feel it coming, or the trigger will be super obvious, but every so often, I just wake up feeling… I don’t know how to describe it.”

“That’s okay. You don’t have to explain it to me. I was just curious.”

He looked at me then. His brown eyes were almost black in the dim light. “I want to though. I want you to understand.”

“Okay.”

He ran his free hand through his messy curls while I stroked the back of his other hand with my thumb. “It’s like…there’s this weight on my chest and… You know that lump you get in the back of your throat when you’re about to cry?”

I nodded, swallowing compulsively.

“It kind of feels like that. Like there’s a lump sitting at the base of my throat. And sometimes, it feels like I could start crying at any moment, and other times, it’s just the lump and the weight on my chest. Usually, the best thing I can do is push through. Keep the routine. Do my best to focus on something else and hope a distraction will do the trick. But sometimes, it’s bad enough that I know nothing will help other than giving myself permission to rest. To shut everything else out and hide from the world.”

“I take it today was a hide-from-the-world day?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

My heart cracked a little at that and I couldn’t help but scoot closer, turning so we were sitting side by side with my arm around him. I pulled him close to me until his head rested on my chest. “Aw, sunshine. Why would you be sorry?”

“I don’t know. I just feel bad that I left you hanging today. And that I told you I was sick when I wasn’t.”

“You didn’t leave me hanging. And if your body was telling you rest was what you needed, I’m glad you listened. Now, tell me what you need. Did you eat? I can still heat up the soup.”

“I ate something earlier.”

“You wanna watch a movie? Do you have a go-to comfort watch on days like this?”

“I can just read my book. I’m sure you have homework to catch up on.”

“I’m happy to let you read if that’s what you want. But I’d also love nothing more than to watch a movie with you if you think it will help.”

He turned his head to look up at me. “Are you sure? You don’t have homework?”

His eyes held mine, pulling me into their endless depths. God, I wanted to kiss him. But I didn’t think that was what he needed in this moment. “I don’t have any homework that can’t wait. And if you don’t tell me what you want to watch, I’m going to put on the most annoying thing I can think of until you tell me.”

He laughed softly. “I have a weakness for eighties movies. Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Goonies . Stuff like that.”

“Alright. Breakfast Club it is.”

I got up, pulled my laptop out of my bag, settled next to him once again, and found the movie. He scooted over to give me space, but that was the last thing I wanted. I rearranged us so he was leaning into me with my arm wrapped around him. The laptop was in front of us on the bed. “Is this okay?”

He looked at me shyly and nodded. I brushed a hand through his curls, then kissed the top of his head, unable to resist.

I started the movie, but after twenty minutes, Jimmy was asleep, his body relaxing heavily into mine. My own eyelids were drooping as the weight of the day washed over me. I should have woken him. I should have crawled into my own bed. But, in that moment, I couldn’t convince myself he didn’t need me there. That I wasn’t helping him sleep by holding him. I couldn’t convince myself not to stay.