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25

JIMMY

We left campus mid-morning to head to Astaire for Thanksgiving. We were having dinner at Gram’s and then heading to the Salgados’ for dessert. I was nervous about TJ and Sammy meeting for the first time, but I figured most of the worry was probably exaggerated in my head.

TJ was unusually quiet on the drive, spending most of his time staring out the window. He’d been quieter over the last couple of days, and I wondered if the lack of a call from his agent was getting to him. Maybe he was more worried about it than he let on.

Upon arrival, we were immediately put to work in the kitchen, setting the table, chopping veggies, and washing dishes from the morning prep. As usual with TJ’s family, it was a raucous affair, the kitchen filled with lively laughter and conversation that flowed right into dinner time.

With all of us seated and plates loaded with the usual Thanksgiving fare, everyone dug in. I was three bites into my turkey when Aunt Lydia asked if TJ had heard anything about his big audition. I felt him stiffen beside me and automatically put a hand on his thigh, thinking to comfort him. He wiped his mouth with his napkin and cleared his throat, sliding a quick glance in my direction before addressing his aunt. “Actually, um, yes. I, uh, got the part.”

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then the dining room erupted with excited chatter while I continued to stare at him, completely nonplussed. His mom got out of her seat and rounded the table to give him a hug. Tyler slapped him on the back. Everyone else pelted him with a mix of well-wishes and questions while I continued to just…stare.

Finally, he looked at me, grabbing my hand under the table, but I pulled it out of his grasp, leaning away from him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, eyes pleading for understanding. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”

“How long have you known?”

He let out a breath, deflating in front of me. “Since Monday.”

“Monday!” I shouted, immediately regretting having done so in front of his family.

“Excuse us,” he said to the room at large, then hastily grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, whirling on him the moment we stepped into the kitchen.

“Because I was scared. I’m still scared. I don’t want to lose you.”

“When do you leave?”

He sighed deeply, and it was then I noticed the circles under his eyes. This had been weighing on him for days. He should be gleefully celebrating, not losing sleep over how it would affect me. “They want me in Chicago on Monday. I fly out Sunday night.”

“Monday. This Monday? But that’s so soon.”

“Apparently, they want us in rehearsal for three weeks before Christmas, and then we launch the tour right after the new year.”

“But what about classes? Finals?”

“I’ve already spoken to my professors. Most of them have said they’ll allow me to take the finals remotely under the circumstances. I already took one of them yesterday.”

My heart was beating out of my chest. I’d wanted this for him. I’d wanted all of his dreams to come true. And I’d known this was a possibility. But the reality was far more heartbreaking than I’d ever imagined. I hadn’t known just how much it could physically hurt when your heart was ripped in two.

“So that’s it then. Congratulations.” The words were hollow, even though I meant them. He deserved this opportunity.

TJ pulled my hands into his, stepping close so we were just a few inches apart. “We could date long distance. I’ll be able to come home from time to time. Or maybe you can meet me in a couple of cities. I saw Kansas City on the list in February and Des Moines in March. Those are just a few hours away.”

I was saved from responding when Tyler poked his head around the corner. “Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt, but Ma sent me out here to check on you. You guys okay?”

“Yeah, tell her we’ll be right there,” he tossed over his shoulder, then returned his gaze to mine. “ Are we okay?”

I swallowed hard, trying to pull myself together before I lost it in front of TJ’s whole family. “Let’s talk about it tonight, okay? Give me some time to…process.”

He stared at me a moment longer, then leaned forward and pressed a kiss on my forehead. “You mean everything to me, sunshine.”

I blinked rapidly, fighting away the tears as I nodded, unable to form a response.

He kissed me again, and we returned to the dining room.

* * *

We never made it to the Salgados’ for Thanksgiving dessert. I texted Sammy that I had a headache and would make it up to him another time. We didn’t discuss TJ’s upcoming move to Chicago either. I think neither of us wanted to broach the subject, even though we’d left things unresolved back in Gram’s kitchen.

The campus was quiet when we arrived just after six while students were off celebrating the holiday with their families. The quiet seemed appropriate, matching our somber mood. Wordlessly, we stripped out of our clothes and climbed into my bed in only our underwear, pulling the covers over us as if we could hide from reality. He held me—clung to me, really—until, eventually, we fell asleep.

I woke up the following morning to an empty bed, though the sheets were still warm, indicating TJ hadn’t been up for long. My eyes landed on him, standing at the window clad only in a pair of old dance sweats. The muted sun had him in silhouette, highlighting the dips and valleys of his lean dancer’s physique. He was beautiful standing there like that, his hair sleep-tousled and his sweats riding low on his hips, but it was in his soul where his true beauty lay.

The thought of him leaving was unbearable, but how lucky had I been to have him for the last three and a half months? To love him. To be loved by him. He hadn’t said the words, but he hadn’t needed to. It was in the way he cared for me. The way he encouraged me. Believed in me. Looked at me. Made love to me. It was in the way he called me sunshine and the way he left little notes on my desk. The way he took care of me when I was having a heavy day and the way he made me laugh on the lighter ones.

Five years ago, in the middle of a rainstorm, he’d told me I was stronger than I thought. He’d told me over and over again in the last couple of months. Was I strong enough to let him go now?

He turned, and I was caught staring, but I didn’t look away. The corners of his mouth turned up in a small smile, but it was muted, dimmed, like someone had stolen the light within him. I hated the impossible situation we’d found ourselves in. He should be radiating joy, shouting from the rooftops, vibrating with excitement at this next adventure. Instead, he was worrying over how it would affect me. And that wouldn’t do.

“You have to go, you know. You have to go through with this.”

His face registered momentary surprise. “Do I? What makes you think I was contemplating staying.”

“Because I know you. And I know you don’t want to hurt me.”

“I don’t want to hurt me either.”

I sat up in bed, letting the covers fall to my waist. “You’ll be okay. You’ll be sad, but you’ll move on. You weren’t made to stay sad for long.”

“Is that really what you think?” He sat beside me on the bed, his eyes taking on a ferocious glint. “You really think leaving you behind will be that simple?”

“It has to be,” I whispered. “You have to do this, TJ. It’s what you were born to do.”

“What if what I was born for was loving you?”

“No.” My eyes filled. “No. You were born to perform. You were born to be on stage. If you stay, you’ll regret it. And I don’t want to be something you regret.”

“I could never…” His voice broke as he brought his hand up to cup the back of my neck. “I could never regret you. Being with you is the greatest joy of my life, sunshine. I lo?—”

I put my finger on his lips, stopping him from saying what we both knew he was about to say. “I don’t know if I can do this if you say it. I don’t know if I can let you go.”

“Then don’t.” His voice broke again, a tear slipping down his cheek. “Let’s give the long-distance thing a chance. Please,” he whispered.

I closed my eyes, my own tears streaming down my face. “I can’t. I think a little piece of me will die inside every time I have to watch you go again. I don’t think I can cut myself open over and over again like that. You think I’m strong, but I don’t think I’m strong enough for that.”

He leaned forward, pressing his forehead against mine as he let out a choked sob. We sat there like that for a while as the tears flowed unchecked down our faces. Eventually, we slid down on the bed, turning toward each other and holding on tight as we grieved the end of us.

Tears turned into kisses, at first tender, then urgent, as hands and lips and tongues mapped each other’s bodies as if trying to commit every single inch to memory. And later, when he slid into my body, his cock finding its home inside me one last time, we wept again until our orgasms swept over us, leaving us sweating and wrung out.

And then I did the hardest thing of all. I got out of bed, got dressed, and began packing a bag.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?”

“I’m going home. To Brinkley. I’ll stay the weekend and come back on Monday.” I had no idea if any of the clothing items I was packing even matched, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t plan on leaving the apartment once I got there.

“Please don’t do this, sunshine.”

I paused. “I can’t stay here and watch while you pack up your life here. Please, just let me walk away.”

He climbed out of the bed and pulled me into his arms, then kissed me thoroughly, pouring every bit of himself into it. I could taste the salt of his tears.

With what little strength I had left, I pulled myself away, hoping whatever I’d stuffed in my bag was enough because I didn’t have it in me to stay in the room a moment longer. “Thank you. For everything. I… Goodbye, TJ.”

And then I walked away from the goddamned love of my life.