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TJ

I waited with bated breath for his response. I’d spoken my truth as he’d asked me to, but I wasn’t convinced he was ready to hear it. It was like before, when I’d moved too fast, pushed too hard, and overwhelmed him. Only we weren’t twenty and twenty-one anymore. We weren’t college kids with a crush. I was in love with a man who’d just—literally just —gotten out of a terrible relationship. He needed to focus on healing. On finding himself again, as he’d said. He didn’t need me forcing my love upon him when he wasn’t in a place to receive it.

But the words were out there and couldn’t be taken back. So I waited.

“What if…what if I’m never ready?”

“Then I’ll deal with it. That’s my burden to bear, not yours. My feelings aren’t your responsibility. You have no obligation to return them.”

“I—” He paused like he was gathering himself for something, and I couldn’t help but lean in closer. “I think I should eat something. Have you had dinner?”

I pulled back, nonplussed.

He chuckled when he saw my face, the sound of his humor loosening the knots in my shoulders. “Just let me change the subject, okay? I can’t—I just need to change the subject.”

“Okay,” I said, pulling my phone out of my pocket. “How about we order something?”

* * *

“I don’t know how you sit like that,” Jimmy said, biting into his slice of pepperoni. We were eating in the living room, with Jimmy on the couch while I sat on the floor.

I looked down and laughed. I had one leg flung out wide and my other foot pulled into my groin. I supposed it looked weird or uncomfortable to the average person, but it was a pretty common position to find a dancer in while sitting on the floor. I shrugged. “It’s comfortable.”

“Only to folks who can bend themselves into a pretzel.”

I shrugged, and we ate in silence for a few moments. Jimmy finished his slice, then wiped his hands and pulled his phone out of his pocket, frowning in concentration as he typed something. “Everything okay?”

He glanced at me before returning his attention to his screen. “I’m just putting in for a sub for tomorrow. I’m gonna take a sick day.”

That seemed wise under the circumstances. “Is it hard to get a sub for a librarian?”

“Nah. There are a couple of retired teachers who sub pretty regularly in our building and like being in the library. I also have a paraprofessional who can handle things if the job doesn’t fill.”

“That’s good. Tell me about your job. You said you didn’t feel comfortable in the classroom?”

“I knew pretty early on that it wasn’t the right fit. Even during student teaching, I had my doubts, but I thought maybe I’d be more comfortable when it was my own classroom rather than someone else’s. I got hired to teach high school English and pretty quickly figured out I was not a good fit for that age group. I looked way too young, and the kids walked all over me. I transferred to a middle school the following year, which helped some, but by the end of the first quarter, I came to the conclusion that I just didn’t enjoy the classroom setting. So I started taking online classes for my librarian endorsement and transferred into an open position in my district the following year. And finally, last year, I changed districts and am now at Astaire Middle School. It’s been the best fit so far. I really love it there.”

“What’s your commute? An hour?”

“Yeah.” He looked down. “I wanted to look for a place in Astaire, but Steven didn’t want to move. He works at a salon here in the city and didn’t like the idea of being out in the sticks, as he put it.”

I digested this information without comment, wondering if it’d been a pattern for them. How often had Jimmy set his own needs aside to appease a man who hadn’t valued him? I was afraid of the answer.

“When’s your lease up?”

“Next month, actually. I was planning on renewing it, but maybe I could find a place in Astaire.” A flicker of excitement lit his eyes. It warmed me to see it.

“Where’s your brother these days? I’m assuming you’re still close? Is he still in Brinkley?”

“He has a couple of places now, actually. He’s got a loft here downtown and an apartment attached to his shop between Astaire and Brinkley. His fiancé has a place in the suburbs, but I think they’re looking to sell now that they’re getting married.”

“Oh, good for him. Do you like his fiancé?”

He nodded his head while he finished chewing his bite. “It’s actually Will. The guy I told you about that he was with before. He moved back to town last spring.”

“That’s great. I’d love to meet them.”

“Yeah, maybe.” He stood, picking up the pizza box and taking it into the kitchen. I followed, wiping my hands and face with my napkin.

“I should probably get going. I’m sure you want to get some rest.”

“Oh, um, okay. Yeah. I am pretty tired.” He wasn’t looking at me, and I could hear the insincerity in his words.

“Sunshine? What’s wrong?”

“I just…kinda don’t want to be alone.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“I mean, if you need to get back, I don’t want to keep you.”

I pulled out my phone and texted my aunt to see if she could check on Gram in the morning. Being a night owl, she replied right away. “Aunt Lydia’s going to check on Gram in the morning.” Jimmy’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Now, do you want to go to bed? Or should we put on The Breakfast Club ?”

“The Breakfast Club.”