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16

JIMMY

We ended our date with ice cream before heading back to our dorm. TJ kissed me long and slow, standing in the middle of the room before releasing me to get ready for bed. I lay awake for hours, wondering what all this meant for us. I still couldn’t wrap my head around it.

On Sunday, we spent some time catching up on homework until mid-afternoon, when we headed out separately to spend time with our families. I had Sunday dinner with the Salgados while TJ’s family was putting the finishing touches on plans for his grandma’s birthday celebration next weekend. It was wild how much I didn’t want to be separated from him, considering it’d been less than twenty-four hours since he’d confessed his feelings for me. I was surely destined for heartbreak, but for once in my life, I was doing my best not to overthink it. A gorgeous, thoughtful, kind guy wanted me. How often would I have an opportunity like this?

When we returned to the dorm later that evening, we spent a couple of hours cuddled in his bed watching a movie. I didn’t fall asleep this time, though I barely paid attention to the movie. Being surrounded by his scent, with his strong arms wrapped around me and his erection—that we were both pretending not to notice—digging into my back proved to be too much of a distraction.

As the credits rolled at the end of the movie, he kissed me. There was an urgency to it this time, need and desire making his movements more aggressive than they had been before. I loved it, loved the way he so clearly wanted me. Felt it in the way he plundered my mouth and squeezed my hip and pressed his body to mine. But then he pulled back, as if it took great effort, and suggested we get ready for bed because he had an early class in the morning.

He climbed over me and off the bed without turning back, leaving me staring after him in bewilderment as he picked up his toiletry caddy and headed down the hall. A moment later, I shook myself out of my stupor, grabbed my own bag of toiletries, and followed him.

We brushed our teeth in silence, darting glances at each other in the mirror when we thought the other wasn’t looking. The silence between us was charged, but I didn’t know how to break it. I was pretty sure he was holding himself back, and I didn’t know why. I certainly didn’t want him to. But I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. To ask for more .

And so I spent another restless night staring at the ceiling, this time with a raging hard-on. And the worst part? I was pretty sure he hadn’t slept either.

The following morning, I awoke to the press of his lips against my forehead, and then he vanished from the room. I stared at the ceiling for another five minutes before caving and rubbing one out, needing to do something to release the mounting pressure. I didn’t feel bad about it this time.

I didn’t feel bad about it on Tuesday afternoon either. He very sweetly held my hand throughout our Ad Psych class and again through most of lunch. We headed out of the dining hall to go our separate ways—TJ to the theater building and me back to our dorm—when he stunned me by pushing me against the wall and kissing me senseless. Someone whistled as they walked past, and though I felt his responding smile against my lips, he didn’t stop his assault on my mouth. At least not until he was, once again, tearing himself away from me, chest heaving, blue eyes almost black with lust.

He muttered, “I better run,” before kissing my forehead and walking away as if he had a fire lit beneath him. Once I regained the use of my legs, I headed directly to our dorm room and jerked off, coming in record time.

I laid in bed after, belly sticky with cum, chest heaving as I breathed through the comedown. I mopped up the mess with my T-shirt, then tucked my dick away, but didn’t move to get up, instead letting my mind wander.

I’d spent the last several days in a constant state of arousal while my belly simultaneously swirled with butterflies. TJ was the perfect combination of sweet and attentive, yet he kissed me with a hungry desperation. The fact that he wanted me in any way still blew my mind. It was a constant battle not to shrink away from him, to hide myself from his attention, lest he decide he’d made a mistake. But when I’d texted the girls on Sunday afternoon, telling them about our date the night before, they’d made me promise to give it a try. Mandy had called as I was driving back into the city from dinner with the Salgados. She and Drea talked ninety miles an hour, demanding to hear every detail. They’d told me to trust him when he said he liked me. That he hadn’t given me any reason to believe he hadn’t meant it. They were happy for me, insisting that I deserved someone who treated me like I was special, and they made me promise to let myself be wooed—Mandy’s word, not mine.

I’d done my best to honor my promise. I’d allowed him to take my hand, to kiss me, to hold me. To enjoy the way he touched me every time I was near and the way he looked at me like I was the only one in the room, even in the middle of the crowded cafeteria.

And despite all of that, he was still holding himself back, and I didn’t understand. It had been less than a week since our date, so maybe I was the one who needed to calm down. I’d jerked off more times in this single week than I had since we started school a month ago. It was like he’d unlocked some hidden, horny side of me that I hadn’t known existed.

In high school, it had seemed like everyone was banging someone while I’d been the one sitting on the sidelines. It wasn’t that I hadn’t wanted to have sex. And I’d known I was gay for as long as I’d understood what that word meant. It was just that having a sexual encounter with someone meant I had to actually speak to them. Make conversation. Or at least exchange pleasantries. I hadn’t been nearly brave enough for that.

So here I was, twenty years old and a complete wallflower, dating a dreamy guy I assumed was experienced in such things, but I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. I wasn’t even sure what I wanted. I just knew that I wanted more .

* * *

Friday morning, I woke up hard and aching. Not for the first time this week, I wondered if it was possible for blue balls to cause permanent damage. To be fair, I’d woken up hard and aching every day this week, each morning feeling more desperate for relief than the last. Any awkwardness I’d felt about masturbating had flown out the window in my desperation for relief.

I lay on my side, hoping my situation was hidden. But as I watched TJ move around the room getting ready for class, I wondered if I should be more obvious about it so he might take the hint.

He pulled on his hoodie, ran his fingers through his hair, and stuck his phone in his pocket. He crossed over to my bed and nudged my knees to make room for him. I obliged, and he sat, brushing his fingers through my curls as he had a habit of doing. I leaned into the touch, a shy smile teasing my lips. I didn’t typically like when people fucked with my hair, but TJ had a way of tearing through all of my previous hangups. He was magic like that.

“I have rehearsal until seven, then I need to check in with Ma to see if she needs help with anything before the party tomorrow. Will you be around tonight? You want to grab a bite?”

My stomach flipped at the simple request. I wondered if it would always be that way with him. “I have to work, but we close at five-thirty, so I’ll be around.”

He beamed at me. “I’ll try to find some time to text Ma this afternoon, and I’ll keep you posted.”

“Sounds good.”

He leaned forward, and I tilted my head up for his kiss, savoring the feel of his lips against mine, even as my dick throbbed beneath the blankets. He brushed a thumb across my cheekbone, then rose, grabbed his backpack, and headed out.

Not more than a minute after he left, I reached for the lube I’d bought yesterday. I’d figured with all the jerking off I was doing, it was time to purchase some. I’d tried not to think about the fact that I was twenty years old and just now buying lube.

I threw off the covers as I pulled my cock out and drizzled some lube into my palm. I took my dick in hand, groaning in relief at the contact. I began to stroke, my right hand moving up and down my length in a steady rhythm. I lowered my left hand toward my balls, cupping and squeezing as my other hand picked up the pace.

I was debating sliding my left hand lower—I’d begun experimenting with inserting a fingertip—when the door opened behind me. I froze, cock in one hand and balls in the other, my heart racing somewhere in the vicinity of my throat.

The door shut, and TJ strode into view, eyes wide, pupils dilated. A flush began to make its way up his cheeks that I thought had more to do with lust than embarrassment. Though it was definitely embarrassment that had my own face flaming. “Jimmy? What are you doing?”

I thought it was rather clear what I was doing, and I’d lost all ability to speak anyway, so I didn’t answer.

Slowly, he lowered his backpack to the floor and sat on the edge of the bed. His eyes trailed down my body, from my bare torso down to my dick, the angry purple tip peeking out of my fist. He sucked in a sharp breath, eyes flashing back to mine.

“Can I…?”

I wasn’t sure what exactly he was asking permission for, but it didn’t matter. The answer was yes. Yes to whatever he wanted to do. Yes to everything .

Eyes locked on his, I nodded.

His fingertips brushed mine, slipping between my fingers and cock, as he took hold of me. My breath caught and my eyes slammed shut as he wrapped his fingers around my dick. He brushed his thumb over the tip, and I hissed at the contact, arching my head back, overcome with sensation.

TJ was touching me. Holy shit, TJ was touching me .

That thought had my eyes springing open, desperate to see what it looked like. I’d never been touched by anyone, and the fact that it was TJ doing the touching nearly had me coming on the spot. As did the sight of his fist wrapped around me.

I watched as he began to move, sliding his hand up and down in long, steady strokes. A whimper escaped, and I squeezed my eyes shut again, overwhelmed by sensation. It was too much. It felt like every neuron in my body was firing all at once, faster and faster, like an out-of-control train running off its tracks. My hips punched up as he picked up the pace, my head jerking to the side, my feet tangling in the sheets. I was desperate to find purchase, to fight against the onslaught, even as I chased the release I was so desperate for.

I felt him shift next to me, and moments later, his lips found mine, even as his hand continued its relentless rhythm. The kiss was obscene, his tongue fucking into my mouth, sloppy and wet, and when he nipped my lip, biting just hard enough I knew I’d feel it later, the last threads of my control snapped. I grunted, then embarrassingly, I screeched, my legs shooting straight out as I unloaded all over his hand and my belly. When I absently realized I was still holding my balls with my left hand, I released them as my hips stuttered and jerked with each spurt of cum that rocked my body.

TJ moaned into my mouth and then stiffened, his hand going still on my softening dick. He made another strained grunting sound, then collapsed awkwardly across my chest, breathing heavily. Dimly, I wondered if he was lying in my cum. I’d felt at least a couple of drops land somewhere in the vicinity of my shoulder.

He didn’t move, though, and we lay there for several long moments, breathing heavily, his hand still resting on my cock. And then it dawned on me why he was breathing so hard. Had he…had he come? I hadn’t even touched him. And I was pretty sure he was still wearing all of his clothes.

I was becoming more aware of other things as my brain began to fire properly once again. Mostly, I wondered what now? What was the protocol when the guy you were into, who’d declared he liked you but had actively avoided anything more profound than kissing, walked in on you while jerking off, then helped you to completion and possibly finished himself in the process? Was there etiquette for this?

Jesus Christ, I was losing my mind.

I was saved from needing to figure it out when he got up, pulled a clean washcloth out of a drawer, returned to the bed, and began wiping away the mess on my torso.

He swiped at that spot near my shoulder and followed it with a light kiss before moving toward my sternum and repeating the process. He continued down my belly, alternating a swipe of the cloth with a swipe of his tongue at each spot until he finally arrived at my dick. I wondered if he’d give it the same treatment, and he didn’t disappoint, wiping me clean before pressing a soft kiss to my tip.

I flushed all the way to my ears.

He stepped away from the bed, and before I knew what was happening, he’d yanked off his hoodie and was sliding his shorts down his thighs. The question of whether he’d come in his pants was answered when my eyes caught on the sizable wet spot darkening the front of his briefs. He caught me staring, but it didn’t stop him from dropping those briefs to the floor and stepping out of them. He wiped himself down, his movements much more brisk and businesslike than they’d been with me, and then he grabbed another pair of briefs out of his drawer and pulled them on. Wearing only his T-shirt and a fresh pair of underwear, he made his way back over to the bed.

“Can I climb in there with you?”

“Don’t you have class?” I asked, gaping at him. He leaned over and tapped my phone where it was sitting on the charger, then looked back at me. “It started ten minutes ago.”

I pulled up the covers so he could slide underneath them, realized my junk was still out, and dropped the covers again. Quickly, I pulled my underwear back up, wiggling underneath the sheets, then lifted the blankets again. He shook his head, then climbed in with a smile. “You realize I saw all of that just a few minutes ago, right?”

I shrugged, choosing not to dignify that with a response, but then he pulled me close, rested his head on my chest, and threw a leg over both of mine. He sighed contentedly, burrowing his face farther into my chest and squeezing me tight.

I was so fucking confused.

In less than a week’s time, TJ declared he liked me. Took me on an incredibly romantic date. Cuddled me, sent sweet texts, and held my hand. Kissed me like he was starved for it while simultaneously holding me at arm’s length. Several times. And now he’d jerked me off, come in his shorts while doing so, and was cuddled up next to me in the middle of the day like it was no big deal.

What the fuck was I supposed to do with that?

“TJ?”

“Yeah?” he responded absently, trailing his fingers up and down my arm, causing goosebumps to break out along my skin.

I hesitated. And when my silence continued, he craned his head to look up at me, brows raised in question.

I took a breath and asked. I had to know. It was driving me nuts. “Can you explain to me what just happened?”

“Do you need it explained?”

I ignored his sarcasm. “I just mean…” I paused again, searching for the right words. “Every time you kissed me this week, and it felt like it was leading somewhere, you pulled yourself back. What changed today?”

He looked at me intently, humor replaced by something more serious. “I just couldn’t fight it anymore. I walked in the room and… Jesus Christ, the sight of you laid out like that, skin flushed, fisting your cock… You’re so fucking hot, Jimmy.”

“Oh.” Well, that didn’t suck to hear. He rarely swore, and for some reason, the fact that he had just now, in reference to the way he saw me, was hotter than it had any right to be. “Why were you trying to fight it in the first place? Did you think I couldn’t handle it?”

“Ah, sunshine. I don’t think there’s anything you can’t handle.” He drew my hand up and kissed it, then tucked it beneath his chin, where he’d once again laid his head on my chest. “The thing is, you’re special. You matter. And I didn’t want you to think I was only into you for sex.”

“Oh. That’s… Thank you?” Color bloomed in my cheeks. I had never met anyone who had the ability to so thoroughly turn my insides into a swarm of butterflies. I’d had crushes in high school—of course I had—but those guys had been distant, unobtainable people I’d admired from afar. And if I was being honest, they’d always fallen short in comparison to the guy who’d given me my first kiss at fifteen on a hot summer day, standing in the rain. The same guy who’d just jerked me off and was now lying in my bed with his head on my chest.

It was a mindfuck.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. Dates and sex and…whatever else this is.” The fact that he was no longer looking at me made it easier to admit. “I’ve never…” I took another breath, desperately wanting to turn back, to change course and talk about something else. But he needed to know. He deserved to know what he was getting into. “I’ve never dated…anyone. Never even kissed anyone else.”

His head popped up, eyes burning into mine. “No one?”

I shook my head.

“We can stop. Or slow down. I don’t want to push—” He started to pull away, but I held him tighter.

“No,” I snapped more forcefully than intended. TJ’s eyes widened at my uncharacteristic tone, but I pressed on. “I don’t want to stop. I want…more. More of this. With you. I’ve never been held before. Never held anyone else either. I’ve never felt this way with anyone, about anyone.”

“How do you feel?” He was still propped up, looking at me, indigo eyes burning with intensity. “With me? How do you feel with me?”

“Like I matter. Like I have value. Like you actually care about what I think and feel. You want to know what I have to say, even when the words don’t come easily. And…safe. I feel safe. Holding you…kissing you…touching you…” A tear slid down my cheek and I realized we were no longer talking about sex, or at least not just sex. “It feels like I’ve spent my whole life fighting the noise in my brain. The voice that tells me I’m not enough. The overthinking. The doubt. But with you, all that falls away. It’s quiet, and I’m at peace. You give me peace.”

I slammed my head back on the pillow, averting my gaze. His eyes were wet and burned with an intensity I couldn’t bear to look at.

“Just…don’t hold back with me anymore, okay? I may be new at this and I may not know what I’m doing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it. I want everything with you.”

His fingers brushed against my chin, and then he turned my head, forcing me to look at him. He pressed a soft kiss to my lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away.

“No holding back?”

I shook my head in the negative.

“Good. But that goes both ways. You have to tell me things. If something is bothering you, or if there’s something you want, you have to tell me.”

Why was that so hard for me? Of all the fears I had—and there were plenty—fear of disappointment was at the top of the list.

“Okay. I can try.”

“Good. Will you come with me to my grandma’s birthday party tomorrow?”

I blinked, nonplussed by the change in subject.

“You want me there? With your whole family?

“You’ve already met several members of my family. And I want everyone to meet you as my boyfriend.”

My eyebrows climbed higher. “Really? We just started dating…”

He moved into a sitting position, his eyes taking on a determined glint as he looked down at me, still lying on my back.

“You said no holding back. This is me not holding back. I know what I want, Jimmy. I want you. I know I’m moving fast, and if you need me to slow down, all you have to do is say the word. I can wait. I can be patient. You’re worth that to me. But I also want to be clear about what I want, sunshine. And that’s you.”

He brushed a lock of hair off my forehead, then smoothed his hand down my cheek. I couldn’t help but lean into his touch. I closed my eyes for a moment, breathing in his scent. The idea of being his boyfriend was terrifying, mostly because of how much I wanted it. I opened my eyes, locking with his.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ll go with you. I’ll be your boyfriend.”

A smile bloomed across his features, lighting his face like the sunrise. Then he tackled me in a hug.