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18

JIMMY

We were indeed about ten minutes late picking Tyler up from his frat. He gave TJ shit about it before hopping into the backseat with a smile. I offered to move to the back, but TJ insisted his boyfriend got front-seat privileges while his brother could slum it in the back with the balloons. I blushed furiously, but Tyler just laughed, and they moved on to other topics.

The ride out to Astaire was pleasant. The rain had tapered off, leaving a cloudy sky, but Tyler had checked the weather app and assured us the sun was supposed to make an appearance sometime after noon. That was good because, apparently, they were expecting enough of a crowd that they figured the party would overflow into the yard. I’d expressed surprise that they weren’t holding a gathering this size at the VFW or a church social hall as people tended to do in small towns like Astaire. TJ said his grandma didn’t want any of that bullshit—her word—and had insisted on having the party in her own home. And since no one ever argued with his grandma, that was exactly what they’d planned. His aunt had spent the week helping to clean the house and get it ready to host such a large event while TJ’s mom worked on the rest of the details related to food and decorations that could be done from the city.

As we got closer to Astaire and I began to realize just how big of a party this would be, the nerves started ratcheting up. By the time we pulled into the driveway of his grandma’s house, an old Victorian sitting on two acres of land at the edge of town, I had a knot in the pit of my stomach and had nearly chewed off all the nails on my left hand.

Tyler hopped out of the car, taking the balloons with him, while I remained in my spot, staring straight out the front window, trying to keep the panic attack at bay. TJ gently pulled my left hand away from my mouth where I’d been going to town on my thumbnail and gave it a kiss.

“Sunshine? Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

“It’s just… Are you sure you want me here? This is, like, a really big family thing, and I’m just…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence, but I supposed it was how I’d always felt. I was just …Jimmy. The poor kid. The baby brother. The abandoned son. The pale, anxious kid who didn’t know how to talk to people.

“Just, what? My boyfriend? My kind, sweet, smart boyfriend with a sneaky funny side who I want to show off to everyone?” I turned to look at him as he continued. “Listen, honey, I promise I want you with me. I love spending time with you. I already told you my family likes you. This isn’t just a casual thing for me. Like, what we did this morning in the shower was amazing, and I definitely want more of that, but it’s not all I’m after. I’ve never been into casual hookups, and I’m not interested in fucking around with you just because you’re my roommate and it’s convenient. I want a relationship. To share our day. Eat meals and study together. Hold hands as we walk across campus. Meet each others’ friends and families. Celebrate accomplishments. Commiserate over failures.”

He brushed a thumb across my cheekbone. “I’m not saying we have to do all of that at once, but to me, that’s what a relationship means. I know I’m a bit extra, so tell me if it’s too much, but that’s what I want with you.”

Warmth spread through me, wrapping around my heart like a tea cozy. This was all happening so fast, yet somehow not fast enough. I’d never thought to want any of those things before and now, suddenly, I needed them desperately. It was terrifying. And wonderful. He was wonderful.

“I’m sorry I’m so needy. I do want those things. I’m just not used to having anyone want them with me.”

“Then I’ll keep telling you. And showing you. Until you believe it. You’re never just anything, sunshine. You’re everything .”

He leaned forward and kissed me then. It was sweet and tender and packed with so much depth of feeling that I knew I’d relive this moment for the rest of my life.

The sounds of yelling from outside the car interrupted the moment, and we broke away to see Tyler and Trent standing in the driveway, laughing and hollering at us. TJ flipped them off and, with his finger still held high, kissed me again, laughing into my mouth as he did so. He tasted like happiness.

“We should probably get inside and help,” he said as he pulled away a moment later. “You good?”

“Yeah. I’ll be alright.”

“If it gets to be too much, let me know. We can always take a breather.”

I nodded, and we headed inside.

* * *

By mid-afternoon, the party was in full swing, and I’d been right about it being a big one. Thankfully, the clouds had burned off as advertised, and people had spilled onto the back lawn. Earlier, we’d set up tables and covered them in lavender tablecloths topped with jars of wildflowers. Folks were taking advantage, sitting in groups, eating and chatting as they enjoyed the celebration.

TJ and I stood off to the side, taking a break from mingling while sipping some water. Hearing someone approach, I steeled myself for more small talk but was pleasantly surprised to see the Johnsons heading our way. Mr. Johnson had been my high school principal, and Olivia Johnson’s son Will had dated my brother the summer our mom left us. We’d spent a night at their house after our roof sprung a leak and we didn’t have anywhere else to go. She’d been incredibly kind to us that summer, but it had been awkward when Sammy and Will broke up, and our paths hadn’t crossed much since we’d moved to Brinkley.

“Jimmy, it’s so good to see you! I didn’t realize you were still in touch with Mrs. McGee.”

My forehead scrunched in confusion. “Mrs. McGee? Our landlady in Astaire?”

“Yes… That’s who we’re all celebrating today…” Olivia’s face held her own look of confusion.

I turned toward TJ. “Your grandma is Mrs. McGee?”

He laughed, though he clearly didn’t understand the significance of my question. “Yeah. Addison McGee.”

“You never told me her name. You always call her Gram. And your name is Sullivan.”

“Well, no, I guess it never came up. And our last names are different because she’s my grandma on my mother’s side. McGee was Ma’s maiden name.”

I looked between Olivia and TJ, completely at a loss for words. TJ took my hand. “You okay, sunshine?”

“Your grandma was our landlady.”

“You said that before. Is it a problem?”

I huffed out a breath, still trying to sort through my thoughts. Olivia interjected, turning her attention toward TJ, giving me a moment to collect myself. “Hi. I’m Olivia Johnson. Your grandma helped me out of a tough spot many years ago. She’s an amazing lady.”

TJ dragged his eyes from me to Olivia, offering her a smile. “TJ,” he said, shaking her offered hand. “And I agree. She’s pretty special.”

He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me into his side, and I relaxed a bit, soothed by the feel of him. Olivia’s eyes flicked between the two of us, and she smiled. “So, Jimmy, how’s school? I heard you transferred down to Omaha?”

As small as Astaire was and as interconnected as it was with Brinkley, I shouldn’t have been surprised she knew I’d transferred. But somehow, I was always taken aback when anyone paid attention to the things I did. “Yeah. Um, I’m studying to be a teacher.”

“That’s great,” Mr. Johnson said, and how weird was it to be having a casual conversation with my former principal? “What subject?”

“English. I want to teach high school. Or maybe middle school.”

“We may have an opening in a couple of years. Mr. Thompson is getting closer to retirement.”

“Oh wow! That would be great. I’ll keep it in mind.”

“And what are you studying, TJ? I assume that’s how you two met?” Olivia asked.

“I’m a theater major, also getting my ed degree, though I really have ambitions of making it on Broadway.”

“Oh, I love the theater. I’d love to see you perform.”

“He’s playing Roger in Rent next month on campus.”

TJ looked at me in surprise. “What? I’m not allowed to show you off too?”

He grinned at me. “You are absolutely allowed,” he said, eyes dancing with delight, then turned back to the Johnsons, who were watching us in amusement. “It’s the third weekend in October. Tickets go on sale next week.”

“Tommy? Can you come over here and help me with something?” TJ’s mom called from the back porch. TJ excused himself, leaving me standing alone with the Johnsons.

“Honey, can you grab me a pop?” Olivia asked her husband, who nodded and stepped away in search of the requested beverage. And then it was just the two of us.

“Happiness looks good on you.”

“Thank you. I am happy, I think. Or at least, I’m trying to figure out how to be.”

“Good. You deserve good things, Jimmy.”

“Miss Olivia, so good to see you.” We turned as the lady of the day approached us.

“Addy. Happy Birthday.” They embraced warmly, and then Mrs. McGee turned toward me.

“And how about you? Are you enjoying my party?”

“Yes, of course.”

“You can be honest, kiddo. It’s a lot of peopling, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but that’s okay.” I shrugged, not wanting to be rude.

“Come on, you two. Let’s find a seat. I’ve spent too much time on my feet today.”

We followed her into the house, where she led us past the folks gathered in the kitchen and into the living room, where we sat and made ourselves comfortable.

“Now then, tell me how you and my grandson met.”

“Oh, um, we’re roommates.”

“Well, isn’t that convenient?” Her tone was full of innuendo, and I flushed from my neck all the way up to my ears. I could feel the heat radiating off my skin like a sunburn. Olivia let out a snort as I sputtered.

“We actually met the first time about five years ago down at the creek. It was summer, and my mom had…” I trailed off, not really wanting to go into the details with TJ’s grandma. I didn’t like to talk about it, and I wasn’t sure if she realized she’d been our landlady.

Olivia must have figured it out because her eyes filled with sympathy. “That was quite an eventful summer for you boys.”

“Now, how do you two know each other?”

“Jimmy’s brother dated my Will. You remember Sammy Clark?”

“Oh yes, that sweet boy had it rough. But wait.” She turned to look at me. “Sammy’s your brother?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Oh, honey. I wish I’d known that bitch was neglecting you boys. I wanted to call child protective services, but Olivia talked me out of it.”

My eyes shot to Olivia’s. “What?”

“I was afraid you boys would get split up. And you needed each other.”

“I don’t know how I would have survived without him.” My voice was nearly a whisper.

“He needed you just as much as you needed him. The need to do right by you was the fuel that kept him going when he wanted to give up.”

“You think so?” I’d always felt like I held him back. He’d never told me why he broke up with Will that summer, but I’d always suspected it had something to do with me. Will had been heading off for school at Purdue that fall, and I’d often wondered if Sammy would have gone with him if he hadn’t felt responsible for me.

“Oh, honey. Yeah, I really do think so.”

“But he could have been with Will. They could have been happy.”

“Maybe.” A shadow crossed over her face, there and gone in a flash. “They were also young, and the love they had for each other burned fast and bright. Sometimes, I think it was more than they could contain. Maybe they would have made it, or maybe they would have burned through it until there was nothing left but ash. Either way, it wasn’t your fault they broke up. Sammy loves you, honey. I seriously doubt he regrets the choices he made.”

The way her words released the guilt I’d been holding on to for years had a wave of relief rolling through me. It wasn’t something I often thought about, but I’d carried the burden of it with me nonetheless. It had been an ever-present weight that was no longer necessary to carry.

I was saved from responding when Mr. Johnson came in, looking for Olivia, offering her the can of pop she’d sent him in search of. Conversation flowed around me, but I wasn’t really paying attention, lost in my thoughts.

TJ came in, leaning over to ask me quietly, “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m good.”

“Ma wants me to run into town to get some more buns. You want to come with, or are you good staying here?”

“I’m actually good here, I think.” It was comfortable in the house with Olivia and Mrs. McGee. It was nice.

“Yeah?” A slow smile bloomed. “That’s great. I won’t be gone long.” He kissed my forehead and then headed out the front door, my eyes trailing him as he went.

“He’s pretty smitten with you, I think.” I turned back to Mrs. McGee, unable to stop my smile at her word choice. Had it been just this morning that he’d told me the same thing? “You know, you’re the first boy he’s brought here to visit.”

“Seriously?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s brought boys home to meet his Ma, but never anyone to meet me.”

“Oh, that’s…wow.”

“He looks at you the way my Brandon looked at me once upon a time.” I’d seen pictures of her wedding day in the hallway while TJ and I were helping set up things. TJ had told me his grandpa died in a car accident when he was little, so he didn’t remember much about him. “I was nineteen when he swept into Astaire with his dashing good looks and quiet charm. I avoided him like the plague. It was the sixties, you see, and I was an independent woman determined to stand on her own. I was full of big ideas and was sure a man wouldn’t do anything but get in my way.

“Brandon was a smart one, though, and Astaire is too small to avoid anyone for long. Would you believe it if I told you he got himself a job at the bank because he knew I was a teller there?” She chuckled, laughing at some unseen memory. “I was saving to move to the city, but I never made it. That man wore me down. Sent me flowers every Tuesday. Brought me chocolates every payday. And every Friday, he asked me to dinner. I made that man wait eight Fridays—two months—before I finally said yes. I never ate alone another Friday after that.”

That definitely sounded like something TJ would do.

“Brandon was a quiet man, but he was stubborn, and once he decided I was the woman for him, he was determined to wait me out. It turned out that the quiet steadiness he had about him was just what I needed. We were a good balance for each other. You remind me of him, in a way. That quiet steadiness. TJ needs some of that in his life, I think. He needs someone to bring him back to Earth when he flies too close to the sun.”

I was stunned by her insight, that she’d seen something in me she thought was good for her grandson.

“His intensity scares you, doesn’t it?”

“Sometimes,” I admitted.

“Good. If love doesn’t scare you a little bit, it isn’t love.”

“Oh, we’re not…I’m not…we just started dating…”

“Don’t you? At least a little?”

I thought about what TJ had said about relationships and how easy it would be to fall in love with him. If I just let all the worry, fear, and self-doubt go, I could slide right into love like slipping on a pair of comfy socks. It would be so easy.

But I wore that worry, fear, and self-doubt like a suit of armor. It was uncomfortable and restrictive, yes, but it also kept me safe. Protected me from getting hurt. I wasn’t sure I was completely ready to let go of it just yet.

“He’s amazing,” was the answer I settled on. It was the best truth I could admit to without giving away everything.

Mrs. McGee squinted her eyes at me and my heart thumped a little harder under her scrutiny, but then her expression softened and she took my hand. It was cold despite the heat of the day, but her skin was soft, her touch gentle. “You’ve had it rough, haven’t you? I can only imagine the scars we can’t see from what that awful woman did to you.”

I shrugged uncomfortably. She waved me off, saving me from response. “Never mind that. Just…there are bad people in this world who do a lot of awful things. And it makes it difficult to trust the good things that happen. But there are some really great people too. My grandson’s one of the good ones. You can trust him. You can trust in him.” She gave my hand a squeeze. “And if he keeps looking at you like that, you can trust that too.”

“Hey, Mom.” TJ’s Aunt Lydia came into the room. “The Hansens are leaving and want to say goodbye. I told them I’d bring you out back.”

“No rest for the weary,” Mrs. McGee said, squeezing my hand before following her daughter out back.

“She’s right, you know.” Olivia peered at me with a thoughtful expression. I thought she’d been talking to her husband and hadn’t realized she’d been listening to our conversation. “There are some really great people in the world. You can trust the good things. Let yourself have them.”

“I’m trying to.”

“Good.”