Page 142 of B is for Beg

“It’s different,” Dad says.

“Why? Because Archie is dating one man, or because Archie can do no wrong?”

“That’s not fair.”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “No, it’s probably not, but it’s how itfeels. Wanting to wear knickers was wrong. Not wanting to go back to uni was wrong. Modelling is wrong. Being in a poly relationship is wrong. I assume wearing make-up is wrong too?”

My parents both look away.

“I know I’ve made mistakes. I should never have gone to uni in the first place. I should have told you I really didn’t want to go.”

“Why didn’t you?” Dad asks, still not looking at me.

“Because I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“If that was true, why didn’t you try harder?” Mum asks.

“Because we weren’t standing over him,” Dad says.

Tears prickle my eyes.

“You’re not listening,” Calvin says in a warning tone.

“Ididtry,” I tell my parents. “But I hated every second of it. I was homesick. I missed you and Archie and Corey. I wanted to come home but couldn’t find the words to tell you. I got more and more unhappy. I spent money to make myself feel better, and it worked. Sort of. I got a buzz from it. A temporary high before the loneliness and unhappiness crept back in.”

“You never told us you were that unhappy,” Dad points out.

“How disappointed would you have been if I’d told you I was taking antidepressants?”

Mum gasps. Calvin squeezes my knee. That’s a detail I haven’t told anyone before, not even Archie and Corey. Letting it out is strangely liberating.

“You didn’t do your work because you were depressed?” Mum asks cautiously.

“Pretty much. I’m not proud that I failed or that I got into debt and let you down. I know I’ve made more mistakes than that, but it’s all in the past. At least it should be, but you still see me as the kid who begged you to help me out of the debt I’d got myself into. I’m not that person anymore. I’ve done a lot of growing up since then. Why can’t you see who I amnow?”

“You say that, but you haven’t grown out of your childish fads.”

I blink. “What childish fads?”

“You’ve just mentioned them.” He gestures towards me. “Wearing knickers and make-up. You do still wear girls’ underwear, don’t you?”

“I wear lingerie designed for men,” I reply tightly. “And there’s nothing wrong with that. Plenty of guys wear make-up and lingerie. I’m not hurting anyone, and it makes me feel beautiful.”

“You are beautiful,” Gabe says.

I smile at him and Calvin and then turn my attention back to my parents. “The fact that you think it’s a fad proves you’ve never accepted me for who I am.”

“We accepted that you’re gay,” Mum points out.

“I’m not gay!” I stare at the ceiling for a few seconds.

“Bisexual, then,” Dad says.

I shake my head. “We’ve had this conversation,” I say wearily. “I’m attracted to people ofallgenders. I always have been, and I always will be. Choosing to settle down with two men doesn’t change that.” I let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know if saying any of this is ever going to help, but I do know I can’t let things go on the way they have. I can’t keep living with your disapproval or the way you treat me like a kid. I can’t keep letting you tear me down. I have to live my life in the way that’s right for me. I can’t live my life for you. Look at me.”

I wait until they do.

I gesture to myself. “Take a good look at me. This is who I am. I’m pansexual. I’m a successful model. I wear lingerie and make-up. I’m in a committed relationship with two amazing guys. And your doubt in me aside, I’mhappy. Please accept me for who I am because I’m not going to change to make you love me.”