Page 111 of B is for Beg

“I’ll go and cook,” I say. “Cottage pie.”

“With real cottages?” Lexi asks.

“You bet.”

I head into the living area and focus on getting out the things I’ll need to cook. Corey and Lexi sit on the sofa, talking about the house and how much they love it. I hurt, right decision or not.

* * *

I don’t check my phone again until the evening, at which point I find messages from Gabe and Calvin.

Gabe:Talk to us when you’re ready.

Calvin:It’s not a good idea to bottle things up. Just saying.

There’s not much I can say to either text. I snapped at Archie and Calvin. I’ve been on the verge of tears since I talked to Corey. That’s not true. I’ve been close to breaking point since I realised I shouldn’t move in with him and Lexi. It’s overdramatic, but it feels like I’m about to lose the closest family I have. I’m not, but we won’t be in each other’s pockets anymore. Archie and Corey won’t be there if I’ve had a bad day. We won’t cook meals for each other or hang out and play video games anymore. There won’t be anyone to give me grief about sleeping in until noon. Archie won’t be nagging me to fill his dumb wall planner in. It’s stupid little things like that that I know I’m going to miss terribly. Fuck, I’m needy.

Blake:Why does making grown-up decisions hurt so much?

Gabe:What’s the matter, baby boy?

Blake:I realised Corey and Lexi should find a place without me.

I look up from my phone as Corey’s rings.

“It’s Mum,” he says.

Here we go.

He moves to the table to answer it so I can carry on watching the TV show we’ve been watching since Lexi went to bed half an hour ago. We talked briefly about my decision, but Corey didn’t exactly try to talk me out of it. Not that I’d have let him.

I concentrate on the message I’ve received from Calvin so I’m not eavesdropping on Corey’s half of the conversation with Mum.

Calvin:Are you sure about that, princess?

Blake:Yes, I am. For… lots of reasons.

Gabe:Want to talk about them?

Blake:Not right now. I’ve already been over them all in my head and with Corey.

Calvin:Come over. Both of you.

Blake:Not tonight, Sir. I’m hanging out with Corey. If that’s okay?

Gabe:Of course it is. Whatever you need.

I glance up when Corey says my name. He smiles at me as he tells Mum about my decision not to continue living with him and Lexi. I tap the bottom edge of my phone against my thigh as I stare at the TV, only vaguely taking in what’s going on in the episode. Maybe I should go and see Calvin and Gabe. Corey doesn’t need me. Except I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to go to them just to cry. I want to make the people in my life happy, not drag them down.

“Mum wants to talk to you,” Corey says, holding his phone out to me.

I don’t want to talk to her. My emotions are fragile enough as it is without adding whatever she might say to me into the mix. I can’t avoid talking to her. She knows I’m in the same room as Corey. Not taking the call will make me look like a petulant child or an ungrateful brat. Or both.

I stand and take the from Corey. “Hi, Mum, how are you?” I say as I walk into the hall and close the door behind me.

I don’t need Corey to witness my half of what’s likely to be a tense conversation. I sit on the bottom step, my elbows resting on my knees.

“You’re not going to move in with Corey and Lexi?” Mum asks.