Page 239 of Alpha Mates

I don’t want to lie to him, but I don’t want to worry him either. We’ve only just started fixing us, I can’t heap more weight on his shoulders. Besides, we only really made up yesterday. Maybe Alex’s quiet is just nerves. He just needs time to see that Aiden and I aren’t going to fall apart again, and he’ll be back, making fun of me and being the best wolf ever.

“Okay, let’s do it,” I say, and Aiden’s smile is back to being the radiant thing that burns all the cold away.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” he cheers. “We’re gonna have the best time, Jewels.” He lunges forward, forcing me into a hug.

“No! Aiden, no!” I groan as I try to shove him back. “You’re sweaty and gross!”

“But then, how will you get all my love?” he murmurs, rubbing himself against me like a dog and pressing too-wet kisses wherever he can reach.

My groans mix with laughter as I fruitlessly try to escape him. “Aiden!”

“Yes, my love?” he asks, batting his eyelashes for that last bit. I gag in response, which only makes him laugh as he finally lets go and allows me some air.

Arms raised in disgust, I glare at my deviant mate. He rests his chin on my knees and smiles up at me like some innocent puppy.

“Now I have to shower again,” I complain.

“That’s alright,” he says, his smile shifting. “We can just shower together.”

I still. Suddenly, it’s too hot, even in the shade. Aiden watches me quietly, his eyes carrying their own heat as his pheromones rise.

“We can,” I agree quietly.

Aiden hums his pleasure and he inches closer. My eyes widen; I stare at him like a deer in headlights. We’ve showered together plenty of times, but that always ended one way—a way I really liked, but one we hadn’t revisited since I found him. And that wasn’t for a lack of trying.

Aiden’s been trying to inject some type of intimacy into our mending relationship, but I’ve been the one holding back. I want to. Goddess knows I want to but …

A wrecked sound pushes past my lips as Aiden’s brush against them. He pauses immediately.

“Julian?” he whispers, pulling back.

Goddess, I’m ruining everything. Maybe that’s why Alex is fading away. He knows I’m a lost cause.

“Sorry,” I whisper, clutching my knees, digging my fingers into my skin.

“Hey, no,” Aiden says quickly, catching my hands and pulling them away. “Don’t say sorry, just tell me what’s wrong.”

Something’s always wrong. With me, with us—because of me. I’m the problem.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble again, looking away. Shame ripples through me, threatening to drag me down to Alex’s depths, but Aiden lifts my chin before I can make the descent.

“Stop apologising,” he states firmly, his warm eyes telling me that he means it. “Just talk to me. What’s wrong, Julian?”

The words stall on my tongue, threatening to stay there along with my other secrets. They are so many now that they’re starting to choke me.

“I’m scared,” I mumble under my breath.

“Of what?”

“Of everything,” I whisper, half hoping he doesn’t hear, and it can remain a secret between me and the open air. “But mostly … I guess I’m scared you’ll never trust me again.”

“Julian …”

“I want to touch you, and kiss you, and be with you, Aiden,” I say, fighting the swell of emotion. “But I can’t do that—I can’t be intimate like that with you if you don’t trust me.”

I pull my chin from his grasp and bury my face into my arms. “I want you. I want you so much, but I can’t.”

I contain the rest of the spillage inside me. If I let him love me the way he once taught me it was okay for an alpha to be loved, and he still couldn’t trust me the way I trust him, I’d really break.