Page 221 of Alpha Mates

Chapter 44

Julian

“Julian!”

My name comes from some distance. Someone’s voice. But it’s not him.

“Julian!”

I close my eyes and let misery drown the voice out until it muddles in with everything else. Tugging the worn fabric up, I bury my nose in Aiden’s shirt and inhale until I find the faint traces of pine that make a small kindling of warmth flicker in my chest.

It doesn’t last. It never lasted long enough.

Glass breaks, or splinters, loud enough to make my ears twitch, but none of the approaching footsteps are the sure, heavy steps of my mate, so I stay where I am.

“Dear Goddess,” Beckett curses as he crouches in front of me, filling my vision with narrowed eyes and a too-tightly clenched jaw. “Julian, when was the last time you ate?”

Ate? Do we even have food in the house? Food that hadn’t already rotted over the last three weeks?

Beckett’s sigh fills the silence as he straightens and reaches for me, but when his knee threatens to sink into Aiden’s side of the bed, I block him with an outstretched hand.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, drawing back while I try to cover the empty space myself. “I didn’t know.”

Of course he didn’t. It’s not his fault that my mate left, disappearing without a trace. No, that’s on me.

Three weeks. Aiden has been gone for three weeks, and I … I can’t even look for him anymore.

There’s nothing out there to track, nowhere left to look, and realising that snuffed my hope out. When that went, it took my resolve to do anything with it. I can’t remember the last time I left the apartment, let alone this bed.

Alex whines, but it’s a soft, weak sound. He rarely speaks now. He’s lost hope too.

“Julian, you need to eat,” Beckett insists, reminding me of his presence. “I know you’re strong, but no wolf isthatstrong.”

He’s right, of course. I’m not sleeping or eating, and this is the first time I’ve talked to anyone since, well, I don’t even know. I’m weak, growing weaker every day, but the pain of my body shutting down still doesn’t touch the pain of not having him here.

“Aiden wouldn’t want you to becomethis,” he tries, but my mate’s name spoken makes fresh grief slice through me. I try to breathe past it, to find comfort in his scent, but with Beckett so close, his overpowers Aiden’s weak one.

I force myself to sit up and take a breath before I risk rising to my feet. The world sways, twisting itself on its head, but I remain conscious, and that’s enough.

I stumble towards Aiden’s wardrobe, taking advantage of the way my body sways as I do. I brace against its edge when I finally reach it and force a drawer open. I rummage inside, pulling out one of Aiden’s black shirts.

My mind conjures him wearing it, standing across from me with his lips slanted upwards and a glimmer in his eyes while he teases me about being too devoted to my homework.

I miss his smirks. I miss his stupid shades and his laugh that always found a way to echo within any space he was in. I miss waking up to his smiles. I miss his comforting scent that makes me feel strong and safe in the same breath. I miss waking up in his arms.

Tears stream down my face as I attempt to linger in the warmth of the memory, even if it comes laced with agony. I miss Aiden so much.

“Julian,” Beckett says, standing beside me now. I wipe the tears away as I try to move away from him. “Julian, I know it’s hard, but the pack needs you. You’re the only one left, and we—weneedyou, Julian.”

“And I need my mate,” I whine on the edge of a sob. “I can’t be there for anyone if I don’t have him.” I look up at Beckett, my vision of him blurring. “I—I’m nothing without him.”

“That’s not true, Julian,” he tries, but I shake my head.

“It is. He’s myentire world, Beckett.My world… and I drove him away because I couldn’t just …” I close my eyes, but there’s no stopping the wave of emotion that pulls a wail from my throat.

I couldn’t just play the part. Be quiet. Do what you’re supposed to. Be a good alpha, be agreatalpha, and pretend the rest is inconsequential.

I couldn’t play the part anymore because I’d given it up a long time ago. I wish I hadn’t—could’ve used it now—but no, instead, I had tofeel. Had to want more. Had to be greedy for more when I’d already been blessed beyond measure with a mate.