Page 40

Charlie

P ulling up to my townhouse, I park in a spot in front of the doors and quickly rush up the stairs as the biting wind whips the hood of my hoodie down. Someone opens the door right as I get to it, making my escape from the cold seamless. Thanking them for holding it open, I turn and head to the office.

A young woman is sitting at the desk playing on her phone. I walk up to her and clear my throat when she doesn’t look up.

“Yeah?” She pops her gum still looking at her phone.

“I’m cleaning out my rental and will be dropping off my keys in about thirty minutes.”

“Ugh, stupid game never drops the right candy for me to win. Fucking cheating shit.”

Must be a freshman.

I clear my throat again. “Anyways, thought I’d give you the heads up so you can let the first person on the waitlist know it’ll be available soon.”

“Sure. Whatever. Drop your keys off when your do-” She stops when she finally looks up. “What did you say your name was?”

“I didn’t. I’m Charlie Alexander. I live in Unit-”

“Four.” She finishes for me.

“Yeah. I’ll only be a couple of minutes.”

“Sure, sure. Take your time.” She’s looking at me with a smile that’s a little creepy, so I turn on my heel and climb up to my room.

I keep my head down as I pass a few students in the hall, pulling my key from my pocket. As soon as I open the door, I freeze. It smells…clean. Too clean. I haven’t been here in a while so it should smell like stale air not that chemical smell from cleaning sprays.

I slowly walk towards the living room and stop when I see my old couch has been replaced with a brand-new leather one. Scanning the rest of the room, I notice that the bars that held the sliding door closed are also gone and the frame has been painted to hide the scuff marks.

What the fuck is going on?

Turning towards my room, I can see inside and already know my stuff is gone. Stepping into my room, the overwhelming scent of lavender assaults my nose. I hold back a sneeze as I look around a room that clearly belongs to a girl and not me.

Swallowing thickly, I turn into the connecting bathroom. Pink and purple attack my eyes as I walk on shaking legs to the mirror. I haven’t felt the need to take anything or cut since I’ve been staying with Shane so when I open the cabinet and see a bunch of face cleansing stuff, I’m not too upset.

You’re walking around someone else’s home!

What if they come home and see your ass creeping around?

You’ll be arrested on the spot!

Shane will be so disappointed!

Ignoring the voices in my head, I go to my art room. I only had a few sculpting supplies, some sketches I never finished, along with some paints, pencils, and watercolors in there. I had moved everything else to either my art classrooms or Shane’s. I already know it’s gone but I still check anyway. Sure enough, I walk into another bedroom that belongs to a girl if the makeup all over the desk and dresses thrown all over the place is anything to go by.

As I close the door behind me, my steps are lighter. Even though my shit is gone, I feel almost…free. Free from being alone. Free from the voices that seem to haunt me the most when I’m here. Just…free.

I practically skip down the stairs, swinging the key ring around my finger. I think I might go surprise Shane at the party. I’ll have to get Lily or Asher in on it so I don’t have to go into that huge house blind trying to find him.

With that plan set in my mind, I walk into the office where the girl is still on her phone.

“You could have told me I was already kicked out,” I say cheerfully. “Here’s my keys. You might want to tell your boss to collect the keys from the previous renter before they rent it out to someone new.” I drop the keys on the keyboard in front of her and turn to walk out.

“It was totally worth not letting you know,” she says in a sassy tone.

Looking over my shoulder, I raise an eyebrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’ll see.” She pops her gum before going back to her phone.

Not wanting to wait around for whatever she’s referring to, I hurry out to my car.

Only it won’t start.

There’s no way anything could be wrong with it since I hardly drive it, and it drove just fine over here.

I’m about to call Lily, so I won’t bother Shane, when a familiar black Rolls-Royce pulls up behind me, making my stomach drop.

No.

Why is he here?

And why now?

I lock my door as Conrad’s big body exits his car and walks up to mine. My breathing is erratic, making it hard to think clearly and my heart is beating so fast I’m afraid it might actually break my ribs.

A sharp knock on my window has a fear filled tear slipping down my cheek.

“Open the fucking door, Charles.” His angry voice sends shivers all over my body.

I shake my head repeatedly as my fingers struggle to pull up Shane’s number. They’re shaking so bad that I drop my phone. I watch it fall between my legs to the dark floor. I bend to pick it up when another knock hits my window, only this time it wasn’t his fist. Slowly turning my head, I freeze when I realize that I’m looking down the barrel of a gun.

“This is the last time I’ll ask nicely. Open. The fucking . Door.”

When I’m too shell shocked to move, he pulls his phone out and holds it up to the window. There’s a picture of Shane laughing, winged by the guys. They’re all wearing the same clothes they were in when I saw them earlier. Meaning…

“That’s right, you little piece of shit. I know where your faggot boyfriend is, along with all his little buddies. I have eyes on him right now.”

He swipes his phone then turns it back to me, showing Shane with glassy eyes leaning into…no! He wouldn’t! Conrad swipes to another picture that has my lunch threatening to make a reappearance. Shane has his hands on Katie’s hips and his face is hidden by her blonde wavy hair.

“Get out of the car right now Charles and I’ll call my men off. If you don’t, his death, along with anyone who gets in my marksmen’s way, will be on your hands.”

With a shaking hand, I pull the handle to open my door. It’s ripped from my hand the second the lock disengages and then I’m being yanked out. Conrad drags me by the collar of my hoodie and throws me into the backseat of his car before slamming the door shut. He climbs into the driver’s seat and speeds away.

The overwhelming smell of cigarette smoke triggers an old memory that does have my lunch coming back up.

“You son of a bitch! That’s premium leather!” The car swerves then comes to an abrupt stop.

The door closest to my head opens, letting in the bitter cold. I glance up through teary eyes as the butt of his gun comes down on my temple and the world goes black.

I’m jerked awake when ice cold water is poured over my head. The room spins as I slowly raise my aching head, my temple throbbing. Blinking the room into view, I quickly close my eyes and wish I was anywhere but here.

“Open your eyes, boy. We have business to discuss.” My father’s stern voice comes from in front of me.

I hesitantly open my eyes to my father sitting in his large leather wingback chair behind his office desk, but we aren’t in his office at home.

No, we’re at the place where my worst nightmares live.

Looking around, I spot the leather couch that holds my screams, the ugly carpet that scratched my skin, and the floor to ceiling window I beat on with my fists.

“You have disobeyed me for the last time, Charles.”

I turn my attention back to him, knowing it’ll only anger him more if I don’t.

“I explicitly told you that you are not to leave Indiana or Illinois. I cannot have my son running around this country with a widely known hockey player. Do you know what kind of questions I have received from countless partners asking why they saw you all the way in FLORIDA,” he yells. “ This is why you are to stay where I can control you!” His face is beet red as he stands and loosens his tie. “I’ve been watching you play house with Shane Hawkins and Ryder Kingston.”

I shrink down into the chair at the mention of their names. I knew he had me being followed, he always has. But I always thought his spy was Benji.

“You’ll be surprised how easy it is to get a few college kids to send me your location for a few hundred dollars.” His laugh is pure evil. “That dumb girl at your townhouse didn’t even hesitate to kick you out when I flashed her two hundred dollar bills. She called maintenance and had your unit empty within fifteen minutes.” He flashes his white teeth. “I just sent her another two hundred after she let me know you were there.”

That explains the creepy smile.

“Now that you’re homeless and your boyfriend has moved on to a much better choice, it seems your luck has ran out.”

“Wha-”

Conrad steps into the room and stands next to my father with a smirk.

“It looks like you’re behind on a few things. Conrad tells me you haven’t been holding up your end of the deal.”

Confused, I look from him to Conrad then back to him. “I-I don’t know wh-what you mean.”

He stands up, straightens his tie, and pats Conrad on the shoulder before walking over to me. My heart rate doubles as he stops right in front of me and leans down, leveling me with the same brown eyes he gave me.

“I know, Charles. I’ve always known.” His voice is hauntingly steady. “It’s been your punishment from the start. It’s a shame that no matter how many times you came here, you still didn’t get it. Maybe this time it’ll stick, and you’ll start to earn your place in this company.” He stands up to his full height, looking down his nose at me. “No son of mine will ever be known for his childish coloring or for being gay,” his lip lifts in a sneer. “It’s time to grow up Charles.”

My vision starts to swim as his words start to click.

He’s known the whole time.

It’s been my punishment.

Maybe this time…

Oh God!

My head snaps up to Conrad at the sound of the lock engaging from the door my father just stepped out of. He licks his lips as he removes his jacket and unbuckles his belt.

No. Not again. I can’t!

As he steps around the desk, I see the tent in pants. My head spins as I start to hyperventilate.

“It’s been a while boy. I’ve been saving this load just for you.”

I dry-heave as he steps closer and grabs my arm, pulling me off the chair. When my legs give out, he grabs a fistful of my hair and drags me to the couch. I scream as loud as I can, but of course, no one comes.

“Yes! Scream! You make me harder with every sound you make. And those tears. Fuck me!” He throws me on the couch like I’m a ragdoll. “Time to take back what’s mine!”

I kick out trying to get him off me but he’s too big.

“Please,” I beg, looking up into his black eyes. “Please, you don’t have to do this. I-I’ll learn about the c-company. I’ll do anything. Please don’t do this again,” my voice breaks as fear takes over my body.

“Mmm, I like it when you beg.” He rubs his cock along my shin that he’s sitting on. He leans forward, his putrid breath hitting my nose. “Too bad I don’t listen to little cocksuckers.” He grabs the hem of my hoodie and starts to lift it.

In a rare flare of rage, I pull my fist back as far as it’ll go and punch him in the nose.

“You mother fucker!” he yells, holding his bleeding nose.

I try to wiggle out from under him while he’s distracted but I’m not strong enough. His bloody hand wraps around my throat in the next second, cutting off all oxygen.

“You’re gonna pay for that, boy,” he snarls.

I try kicking him off but it’s no use. The edges of my vision start turning black as he takes off his tie with his other hand.

As I’m about to pass out, he removes his hand, flips me to my stomach, tying my hands together. I gasp for air at the same time I try to scream.

No. No. No.

I don’t want to be here.

I don’t like this.

I can’t breathe.

Why?

Why me?

What did I do?

Hands are all over me, leaving trails of molten lava on my skin. Then my pants are gone along with my boxer briefs. I’m so cold but burning up at the same time.

“Nice and loose for me. Guess that hockey player was good for something after all.” A deep chuckle hits my ears. “No need for lube either.”

I try to scream but nothing comes out. I try to move but my body is paralyzed in fear.

I can’t move.

Can’t…breathe.

“What a good boy.” Rough hands pull cheeks apart. “Just how I remember.”

Searing pain envelops my body as he shoves his cock in me. A choked sob is the only sound I’m capable of making as the air is sucked out of me.

I deserve this.

I know I do.

It’s all my fault.

He pushes my face into the leather cushion.

“That’s a good boy.”

My vision goes black as I’m thrown into the memory of the first time he said those words to me.

Sitting on the couch practicing my shading, I’m feeling a bit annoyed. My father and his best friend, Conrad, took us to this golf resort as a “surprise” for our fifteenth birthday. I hate golfing. And sports in general. Benji on the other hand is a natural talent at everything he does. So of course, he was over the moon with excitement when we pulled into the Sunny Hills Golf Club. I’ve never rolled my eyes so hard.

But now I’m sitting here while our father and Benji went to shoot some golf balls. I faked being sick so I didn’t have to sit on the golf cart and pretend to understand what they were saying. I thought being fifteen meant I could be left alone but I guess Conrad felt like hanging back with me. He’s a bit creepy. I’ve caught him staring at me more than three times just this morning.

He comes into the living room and sits in the middle seat of the couch, putting him right next to me. Why the fuck does he have to sit here? There’s a loveseat and two recliners less than five feet away.

His pinky runs along the side of my thigh. I squirm away but because I’m already in the corner, I can’t escape his touch.

“How are you feeling?”

“Um..I-I’m better but still not feeling all that great.”

I try to get up, but he’s now holding my leg. I start breathing heavily, trying not to freak out.

“C-Can you p-please let me g-go?”

“I think you should stay right here,” he smiles, tightening his grip on my leg, flashing his nasty yellow teeth. “Besides I know you aren't sick and I'm sure your father wouldn't appreciate being lied to, now would he?”

I shake my head. “N-No.”

“Then be a good boy and let me touch you.”

Paralyzed by fear, I barely breathe as Conrad starts to rub my soft dick over my sweats. He chuckles when he feels how small I am.

“Don't worry, it'll get bigger. Let me show you how.” He reaches into my pants, under my boxers and starts to stroke me.

I can't move.

No matter how hard I try.

I. Can't. Move.

Conrad’s hands are like fire on my skin.

He makes a tsk sound and shakes his head. “This won't do.”

He quickly moves to his knees in front of me and rips my pants and boxers further down my legs.

He laughs again. “Look how small you are. Hell, maybe you won't get bigger.”

Then he rushes forward and before I could so much as blink, Conrad has me in his mouth. And to my absolute horror, I start to get hard. Shaking my head furiously, I finally find my voice.

“No. No. No. I don’t like this. Please stop.”

He pulls off and looks me right in the eye.

“Get on your hands and knees, boy.”

I start whimpering. “Please no, I don't want to.” Hot tears fall in rivulets down my cheeks.

Conrad sneers and grabs my hips, forcing me onto my stomach. With his heavy hand pushing on my back, he straddles my thighs and squeezes my ass cheek. I kick as much as I can with my legs trapped but it doesn’t do anything to get him off me.

He spits on my hole and shoves a finger inside making me cry out in pain.

“Look at this tiny pink hole. It's going to be so tight,” he moans.

I scream as his finger starts to pump in and out. I try to swing my hips from side to side to knock him off me but all it does is anger him. He smacks me hard making my ass light up with white-hot pain.

“Enough of this!”

He shifts around and in the next second, I feel what could only be the scorching hot head of his cock. Realizing what's about to happen, I scream for help. He spreads my ass again, spits and then blinding pain is all I feel.

Conrad leans forward and speaks into my ear.

“That's a good boy. You feel so tight. Be good for me and I won't tell your father how I've seen you look at other boys.”

He starts to move as I scream even louder. When his pelvis hits my ass, it's the last thing I remember as I black out from the pain.

I wake up in my bed later that night. I’m still in the same clothes as earlier.

Maybe I fell asleep, and it was all a nightmare?

I try to get up but the moment I move, all my muscles scream in agony, especially my ass. I roll to my side and cry.

Why me? What did I do?

The next day, I carefully walk into the bathroom and don’t recognize myself in the mirror. There are bruises on my hips, and I can see bright red fingerprints on my ass cheek where he smacked me. And dried blood down my thighs. Swallowing thickly, I zone out as I take a shower on autopilot, get dressed, and slowly make my way to the kitchen.

Conrad is sitting at the table next to my father. His sly look has me feeling sick. I look down and walk past them to the door. But before I can open it, my father’s voice stops me.

“Charles, I know you weren't sick yesterday.”

With my hand on the doorknob, I look over my shoulder as my heart starts to beat wildly.

“Conrad said all you did yesterday was sit around coloring in your little book, being lazy. If you weren’t sick, the least you could’ve done was go outside and be a normal kid. Instead, you were inside doing absolutely nothing productive. I expect more from my son!” His voice rises. “When we return home, all your childish coloring will come to an end! You will start learning about my company so one day you’ll be able to run it.” His face is bright red as his anger flares. “Conrad has already agreed to help so there'll be no excuses.”

All the blood drains from my face as I look into the monster’s victorious eyes. My hands start to shake as I desperately open the door and run.

I run until I can't feel my feet, until my legs give out. I collapse to the ground and start crying.

I’m never going to escape him now.

Conrad finds me curled in a ball on the ground with my head in my hands. I know it's him from the putrid cigarette smell wafting off him. He crouches down and touches my shoulder. I jerk so hard that I almost fall over.

“Now, now. Don't be like that. We're going to be spending a lot of time together.”

I look up with tears still falling down my cheeks.

“N-Not if I tell my f-father what you d-did.”

He lets out an evil chuckle.

“Do you really think he's going to believe his worthless son who just lied to him? Hmm? I've seen what he does when he's lied to. He ruins people's lives!”

I shake my head over and over. “H-He'll believe me.”

“Benjamin maybe, but you? Not a chance in hell.” He snarls. “You're a disgrace to your father's name. So, here's how this is going to go. You will come to my office, I will do as I please, then I’ll tell your father how well you’re doing learning the company.”

I start to shake.

“If you don't, I’ll tell your father how you came onto me like a whore desperate for attention. I’ll make sure Benjamin has an ‘accident’ that'll prevent him from ever playing any sport ever again. And if you feel the need to tell your father about us,” bile rises in my throat, “just know I have proof of your gay porn search history along with the top conversion therapy centers. I've read what they do to little faggots like you. You wouldn't survive a day!”He spits at me and walks away.

I'm going to die.

I groggily open my eyes lying on the rough carpet, naked.

My bones creak as I force myself to sit up. As the room spins, I let out a yelp at the sharp pain in my ass. Tears of frustration and agonizing pain burn their way down my cheeks as I notice the puddle of blood I’m sitting in. I can feel a few stinging cuts on my back, but I know some of that blood came from him not using lube.

I gather all my strength, which isn’t much, and get dressed one painful limb at a time. By the time I’m fully dressed, I’m doubled over in pain.

Fuck, my body hurts.

I cradle my left arm that’s lit up in white hot pain as I try to open the door. Locked. I bang my forehead against the door as I try to get my foggy brain to focus on how to get out of here. I pat my pockets but don’t find my phone. Fresh tears fall as my will to escape slips.

I can’t die here.

Remembering my father has a letter opener in his desk, I move as quickly as my aching body will allow. Ripping open the top drawer, I throw the papers to the ground, moving all the shit around until my fingers find the metal opener. Making my way back to the door, I slide the letter opener in the small hole on the handle and unlock it with a flick of my wrist.

Morons have top-of-the-line everything but the simplest locks.

The walk to the elevator and the ride to the bottom floor goes by in a blur as I go in and out of consciousness. It also drains more energy than I have.

But I can’t stop here. I need to get as far away as possible.

My teeth chatter as I hobble along the sidewalk, vaguely familiar with the streets. Thankfully a nice old lady stops and offers me a ride. I tell her the backway to my childhood house, stopping at the gate the housekeepers use at the back of the property.

“Are you sure I can’t call anyone for you, sweetie?” she asks through the rolled-down window.

“N-No thank you,” I stutter through the painful chills wracking my body.

I slide between the gates before she has a chance to say anything else.

Gloria is going to be pissed when she sees me. But I just need a key to any car and one of my old phones I hid under a loose floorboard.

I keep to the edge of the property so I don’t trip any of the motion detector lights. I breathe a short sigh of relief when I see her kitchen light on.

Slowly opening the door that they never lock, I sneak into the back room and grab a key fob from a hook where they keep all the keys. Moving the dusty rug, I gingerly crouch down, stifling a moan when my back lights up from the movement. Breathing deeply through my nose, I steady myself as I pry the floorboard open. As my fingers wrap around one of the phones, Jeffery walks into the room. His eyes go wide in shock.

“Please don’t say anything,” I rush out quietly. “I just need these,” I hold up the phone and key fob as I slowly stand up. “I was never here, okay?”

Out of everyone, he and Gloria know what I’ve been through the most. Not everything, but enough to know I can’t be caught here.

“What can I do to help?” he whispers.

I bite my lip, tasting blood from a cut I can’t feel. “Please help me get to the road without being seen.”

He nods as he slides on his boots and jacket.

“Here,” he hands me a hat and jacket.

I can’t get my left arm through the sleeve without searing pain shooting up my arm. Jeffery helps me slide my right arm in and zips it up with my left arm tucked against my chest. Once the hat is on, I follow him out the back door to the garage. Hitting the unlock button on the key fob, a silver Aston Martin’s lights flash. I climb in as Jeffery hits the button to open the garage.

The engine is quiet as I roll up to him. He holds up a hand for me to stop. Rolling down the window, I see a sad look in his eye.

“Look in the trunk when you get somewhere safe. I used this car to get your stuff from the dumpster after they threw it out. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I kept it all hidden in the trunk.” He pauses. “Take care of yourself, Charlie.”

I’ve disappointed him too.

Once I’m down the driveway and on the main road, I turn up the radio as Darkside by Bring Me the Horizon blasts through the speakers and punch the accelerator to the floor. I fly down the streets as tears flow freely. I narrowly miss a few parked cars on the side of the road but, I don’t care anymore.

When the entrance to the highway comes into view, I contemplate getting on and driving back to Shane. But then I remembered that he didn’t need me. Not when he has all the guys and now Katie.

I fly past the highway entrance and take a hard right at the next street which leads right to my favorite beach. As I get closer, I hit a speed bump I didn’t see and go flying. I land hard as the car bottoms out, causing me to lose control. I let go of the wheel and closed my eyes. The car swerves and comes to a hard stop when it crashes into the Welcome to Ayers Beachfront Landing sign.

The door and I groan as I push the airbags to the side and slowly climb out. Popping open the trunk, I dig through the black garbage bags until I hear pills hitting the sides of plastic bottles. I pull out three bottles and shove them in my pocket, not giving a shit what they are. Tossing that bag to the side, I move my old blanket. Jackpot! I grab the unopened bottle of Jack and make my way to the beach.

It's fucking freezing this close to Lake Michigan. Even up on this dune, about a half mile from the shore. I guess it doesn’t really matter though. I have the jacket laid out under me with half the bottle of Jack slowly warming my blood.

Pulling the bottles out of my pocket, I use the flashlight on the phone to read the labels. Ambien, Floux-something, and Adderall. I toss the Adderall to the side. I think the second one is an anti-depressant, so it’s added next to the Adderall. Ambien it is. A nice long nap sounds wonderful right now. I struggle to open the bottle since my left hand can’t grip that well. I eventually get it open and pour some into my hand, confused when there’s a green pill mixed in with the blue ones. Bringing it closer, I see a smiley face on it.

It’s the Molly Noah gave me a while ago. I forgot I even had it. I should have taken it when I got back for getting my ass kicked by my father. Maybe then I wouldn’t have spiraled into the darkness and caused Shane so much heartache.

I flick it off my palm with my thumb and watch it get lost in the dark sand as I put the remaining pills on my tongue and swallow them down with the help of my friend Jack.

I lay down and as I watch the stars and listen to the waves crash on the shore, the day comes back to me memory after memory.

Shane leaving me to go to the party. My townhouse being emptied and filled with stuff that’s not mine. Shane having fun with Katie. Conrad pointing a gun at me. My father knowing what Conrad has been doing to me this whole fucking time. Conrad’s rough hands all over me setting my skin on fire.

I realize in this moment that I have no one. I am no one.

A waste of air!

A disgrace to the Alexander name!

Fucking loser!

You’d be better off dead!

The voices are louder than ever.

So fucking useless!

Why can’t you be more like your brother?

Fucking disgrace to this family!

What they’re shouting…is true.

Fucking pathetic!

Piece of shit!

Embarrassment!

Nobody wants you, Charlie!

I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired of everything.

I sit back up, and with a shaking hand, I pour a few more Ambien in my mouth and swallow them with more whiskey. I dial Shane’s number. When he doesn’t answer I wait for his voicemail.

If someone deserves a final goodbye, it’s him.

“Hey, it’s Shane. I’m probably out on the ice so leave me a message and I’ll call back when I get a chance.”

I wait for the beep, spinning the black ring he gave me with my thumb around my middle finger until I can see the word Promise.

“H-Hi. I’m sorry for doing this over the phone but I have to tell you this before…it doesn’t matter. I love you, Shane Eli Hawkins. I’ve had the best moments of my life being by your side. You’ve brought me so much joy.” I stop to wipe the tears from my face and collect my scrambled thoughts. “I hope you get drafted and play for the NHL. You deserve it, Superstar.”

I take another drink and clear my throat. “I know I’ve disappointed you in one way or another, I seem to do that to everyone in my life. I really did try,” my voice becomes raspy as I fight the tears. “I tried, for you. B-but I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting my demons. Tired of feeling like shit day in and day out. Please don’t be mad, okay?” My head starts to spin, so I lay back down but that just makes it hard to breathe. “I love you. I’m…just…so…tired…”

The stars above me start dancing around to the beat of my heart that I can hear loudly in my ears. They pulse, going from small to big then back again. I slide my ring off and bring it above me so I can see Always on the inside.

I’ll always love you, Shane.

My heavy arm drops to my chest as my eyelids slowly start to shut. Looking up into the fading sky, a star flickers, losing its light.

A boulder lands on my chest making breathing next impossible.

The world goes blessedly black.

Finally.

I don’t want to wake up this time.