Page 34

Shane

I ’m jerked awake when the bus comes to a stop and Ash flips the bill of my hat up. We quickly get off the bus, grab our gear, and head inside. We dump our shit by our lockers then head to the cafeteria for some food. I get my usual, two grilled chicken breasts, wild rice, and steamed vegetables. I don’t even taste it. We then spend some time playing hacky sack and kicking a soccer ball around.

When it’s finally time to get ready for the game, we head back into the locker room. I keep my head down as I change into my compression shirt and pants. As I head out of the locker room to warm up, Benji steps in front of me, blocking the door.

“You look like shit.” He scans me from head to toe with an ugly smirk on his face. “Told you he was going to drag you down with him. He’s doing it on purpose. It’s all for attention.”

I clench my teeth so hard my jaw pops.

Don’t do anything stupid. He’s not worth it.

I glare at him as his smirk slowly falls from his smug face. I roll my shoulders back and stand to my full height. Taking a step forward, I watch in delight as he takes a step back.

“Don’t be a coward now. What else do you have to say about your brother ?” I growl the last word.

Benji’s eyes get wide when I feel a presence at my back. I glance over my shoulder and see Ryder, Matt, and Asher flanking me with their arms crossed over their chests. I look back at Benji.

“Well? Not so tough when all four of us want to beat the shit out of you, now are you?”

He tries to stand up to me but I’m taller with more muscle. He looks at the guys and then back to me.

“Don’t let him fuck up your game. I’m not losing tonight because you four are blinded by my br… his fake ‘depression’.” He uses air quotes when he says depression.

I hear a deep rumble come from Asher on my left.

Benji looks at him in shock before giving us both middle fingers and walking away.

“Fucking pussy,” Ryder says as we walk to the cardio area.

We jump on the bikes as Matt starts talking about his plans for winter break. I listen but don’t add anything to the conversation. They all know I want Charlie to come home with me. I have two weeks to get him feeling better. Maybe the promise of the warm Florida sun will be enticing enough to get him to agree to come with me.

Once our legs are warmed up, we change into our gear and lineup to head down the tunnel for on-ice warmups. My body carries me through it as my head fights to drift back to Charlie. I’m so in my head that I don’t realize the guys are waiting for me to do our stick tap before the start of the game.

“You alright, man,” Ryder asks.

“Uhm, yeah,” I clear my throat. “Yeah. I’m good.”

Putting the blade of my stick in the center of our circle, the guys do the same as we start tapping each other’s shins.

“Let’s Go!” We yell at the end.

Asher gives me a look asking if I’m really okay.

“I’m fine. I just need to get on the ice to clear my head.”

He nods, waiting for me to head down the tunnel.

We line up for the national anthem and as soon as the puck is dropped, all my worries fade into the back of my mind. I’ve always been able to do this. Hockey is my escape from the world. For the next three hours my mind and body are in hockey mode.

We win the face-off and quickly attack their zone. Ryder and I stay by the blue line while the forwards attack the net. Benji zips one past their goaltender but it hits the crossbar, sending a loud ping through the air. The puck bounces back onto the ice and ricochets off a stick, landing right in front of me. I quickly scoop it up, skating backward along the blue line as Matt creates a screen in front of the goalie. Once we’re lined up, I release a bullet off my blade. With the goalie unable to see it coming, the puck flies in on his stick side. Lighting the lamp.

A rush of excitement flows through me as I fist-bump everyone on my way to the bench.

“That was a fucking beauty!” Copeland, one of our wingers, bumps gloves with me as I sit down next to him.

“Thanks. It helps that Matt’s big ass was in the goalie’s way,” I chuckle, turning toward a smiling Matt.

“I’ll gladly stand in the path of your eighty-mile-per-hour slap shot. It’s not scary at all.”

We all laugh as the puck is dropped and play continues. We keep the energy up and end the period up by three goals.

We take care of anything that needs adjusting, use the bathroom, and keep talk upbeat.

Back on the ice, I’m checked from behind. I turn and see Benji skating the opposite way.

Ryder slides up next to me as we wait for the clock to wind down.

“What if I accidentally shoot the puck directly behind his knee? That’ll give us at least a week without his bitch ass.”

There’s no padding behind the knee and I know Ryder isn’t serious, but I secretly hope Benji’s stick snaps right as he’s hitting the puck. His temper tantrum alone would get his ass benched.

We get in our spots and scramble for the puck as it’s dropped and knocked loose. Their forward snags it and crosses our blue line. I fall back to protect the house, being sure I’m not in our goalie’s line of sight of the puck. Asher rushes their player causing them to pass the puck. It bounces off the boards and is picked up by Ryder. He passes it up to Benji who skates towards the center line. I rush up behind him yelling for the puck, not sure why he’s stalling, when he looks at me and dumps the puck hard into the other team’s zone. I skate as fast as I can, but the puck hits the boards behind the goalie’s net, resulting in an icing.

I’m hunched over with my gloved hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. As I get closer to Benji I can hear Ryder cursing him out. We have a long change this period and Ryder is the furthest from our bench. I can see him breathing hard, face beet red, with sweat running down his face. The puck drop is brought back to our zone, on the left faceoff dot. Ryder glances at me giving me two quick head nods. We’ve been playing together for so long that we’ve come up with our own signals. This one means he’s going for the puck, so I’ll be defending if the puck clears toward our net.

Benji battles for the puck once it’s dropped. It’s knocked free, landing on the other team’s stick. He skates behind our net while I chase him. I poke-check him, freeing the puck before he gets a shot off. Ryder snags it and clears it the correct way by skating past the blue line and dumping it behind their net, giving us a chance to get off the ice.

I’m pissed at this point.

I take my seat and drill a hole in the side of Benji’s head. Ryder joins but he’s not stopping there.

“What the FUCK is your problem,” he yells. “Who the hell purposely ices the puck knowing damn well his D-line is running on fumes? If they would have scored, that goal would’ve been on you not us.” He thumbs over to me.

Benji ignores him.

“You’re the worst fucking teammate I’ve ever had.” Ryder shoves past him and sits on the opposite end of the bench.

Coach Q comes over and says something to Benji. He straightens up and gives a curt nod. Good. Hopefully, we can get back to playing this game as a team.

Unfortunately, we aren’t able to hold our lead and by the two-minute mark left in the third period, we’re trailing by two…and I’m in the sin bin for tripping the other teams forward. If we kill this penalty, I’ll have twenty seconds left to try scoring another goal.

My knee bounces like a jackhammer as I watch my team struggle to keep the passing along the boards and blue line. Then my heart sinks as I watch their goalie skate off, creating a six-on-four advantage. The guys scramble around trying to shut down as many angles as possible but it’s no use. The other team sets themselves up for a tic-tac-toe play and scores.

I’m let out of the penalty box and skate to the bench with my head hanging. I don’t even look up for the remaining thirty seconds. As soon as the horn sounds, I’m off the bench and stomping down the tunnel.

The locker room is quiet as we strip off our sweaty gear. Once I’m down to my base layer, I sit on the bench facing my locker. We can’t win them all and I know I didn’t cost us the game, but it still stings knowing I couldn’t help my team because I made a careless mistake.

I blow out a breath, rubbing a hand over my sweaty hair. Ryder sits next to me, facing towards the guys.

“We win some, we lose some. You know this. Shake it off. We’ll get the next one.” He holds up a fist and I bump it with mine. “Let’s go shower so we can go home.”

I follow him into the shower. He stops suddenly, causing me to run into his back. I look around his shoulder and see Benji and Jack blocking the entrance.

“What the hell is this all about?” Ryder crosses his arms, mimicking their stance.

“That was a stupid penalty to take right at the end of the game, don’t you think, Captain?”

I’m all out of energy for this shit. Stepping next to Ryder, I give them a bored look.

“It wasn’t intentional. Now move, I’d like to go home.”

Benji shakes his head with false disappointment. “Still believe he’s not lying huh? You’ll see. One minute he’ll be there and the next,” he snaps his fingers in my face, “he’ll be gone without a backward glance.” They laugh and shoulder past me.

“Fucking asshole,” Ryder snaps in the direction they walked off to.

I’m too tired for this.

I quickly wash the game off and dress in my favorite jeans and hoodie. The guys meet me by my locker, and we walk out to the bus. It’s only eight but it feels like I’ve been up for days. As soon as Coach Q does a head count and the bus pulls away, I’m out.

Asher nudges me awake when we get back. We all climb into my truck in silence. On the way home Matt’s stomach let out a loud grumble.

“Feeeed meee!” he whines from the backseat.

Asher snorts next to him while Ryder turns and looks back at him.

“You don’t have anything to eat at home?”

“It all needs to be cooked, and I’ll perish before any of it finishes cooking.”

Ryder looks at me trying to hold back a laugh. “Perish? Really? Who the hell talks like that?”

Matt’s stomach grumbles again. “Oh my God, I’m going to fade away from lack of food.”

I can see him holding his stomach in the rearview mirror, making a weird, anguished face.

“What do you want,” I ask. “And pick something that’s on the way home. I’m not making any detours for your stomach.”

He thinks for a second before jumping forward, almost head-butting Ryder.

“Portillo’s! I need gooey cheese fries, a double rodeo burger, and a large chocolate cake shake!” His excitement radiates off him.

“Damn. Guess you’re taking advantage of no practice for two days,” Ryder says, turning back around in his seat.

“We don’t have practice tomorrow? Sweeeeet!”

I hear Ash growl at Matt, but nothing can faze him when food is in the near future.

Pulling into the drive-through, I place our orders and pay. Matt digs for the bag of fries and shoves a handful of steaming hot fries into his mouth, making moaning sounds as he chews.

“Those are yours. Don’t take any from the other ones. I’ll know if you take some of mine,” Ryder glares at him.

Matt grabs another handful and makes a show of eating them.

Ryder reaches for the bag, but Ash snags it before either idiot rips the bag open and sends fries all over my truck.

“Hey, I was eating those,” Matt complains while still chewing.

“That’s enough children. We’ll be home in five minutes.” I roll my eyes at them.

Parking in my spot, Ryder and I split up the food. We wave bye as Asher and Matt walk down to their condo, and we take the elevator up to ours.

It’s quiet as we enter. I set my food on the island and walk to my room. I find Charlie on his opposite side, facing Lily who’s leaning against my pillow, playing on her phone.

She looks up as I step closer to the bed. “He’s awake but zoned out.” She looks down at him before sliding off the bed.

She smiles sadly before leaving.

Walking over to my side, I can see both of his eyes open. There’s a gloss to them that I’ve seen a lot this week. I strip down to my boxer briefs and slide under the covers, coming face to face with him.

“Hey, baby. I’m back from the game.” I stroke the side of his face. He blinks a few times and slowly lifts his eyes from my neck up to my eyes. I want to cry seeing both of those golden-brown orbs. The gold flecks are brighter than they’ve been since before he left. “Beautiful,” I whisper tracing under his eyes.

He bites the corner of his lip as his doe eyes become watery, a tear slipping down his cheek when he blinks. I lean over and kiss the salty tear away.

“Don’t cry, baby. I’m here.”

I weave my fingers in his dark hair, not taking my eyes off his. He reaches for me, his hand landing on my neck. There’s so much pain and sadness in his beautiful eyes that I can’t help but pull him closer to me until his face is in my neck.

“I love you, Charlie.”

He lets out a soft whimper as the side of my neck starts to get wet.

“Everything…hurts,” he whispers brokenly into my neck. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore. P-Please make it stop,” his last word breaks as his body starts to shake.

I hold him tight against my chest, trying to give him some of my strength.

“I promise to help you through this in any way I can,” I whisper into his messy hair.

He cries himself to sleep almost twenty minutes later but I still hold him against me.

I fall asleep hugging my sweet, beautiful boy, begging to a higher being to help me bring Charlie back.

Something cold and wet glides over my left forearm. I blindly rub my hand over it but don’t feel anything. I start to fall back to sleep when it happens again.

The fuck?

My eyelids struggle to open and when I finally get one to open, I find a sheepish Charlie lying next to me holding a green marker. He looks away capping the marker.

“No,” my voice rough from sleep. “It’s ok. Please keep going. Color my whole body if you want. Just…don’t stop.”

He looks up from under his thick black eyelashes and nods tentatively. Uncapping the marker, he goes back to coloring in my tattoos.

I watch him for a while, memorizing how at peace he looks at this moment.

Please don’t let this be a false spark of hope. I can’t watch him hurt anymore.

I wake up some time later to light streaming in from my curtains. Curtains that haven’t been opened in almost a week. I snap up to a sitting position and look around my bright room. Charlie isn’t next to me, but his art stuff is spread out in neat piles on the nightstand, his sketchbook and pencil in the middle.

I climb out of bed to look for him but when I get halfway to the door, I hear my shower going. The door is cracked open, so I quietly slip inside. The bathroom is warm and foggy, a layer of condensation on the glass door hiding his body from me in the shower. Stepping up to it, I’m confused when I still don’t see him.I open the door and my heart sinks when I find him sitting on the floor directly under the stream, crying. I move the shower head and crouch down in front of him. He looks up at me, his hair sticking to his face, his bottom lip trembling.

“Come here, baby.” I open my arms and sigh when he leans into me.

“I-I,” he struggles to say anything else.

Picking him up, his legs wrap around my waist. I change the setting of the shower head to rainfall and angle the water to his back, letting the soothing water relax his body. I alternate between rubbing his back and hugging him to me. His lips brush my neck and a soft ‘done’ reaches my ears a few minutes later. Turning the water off, I step out of the shower and drape a towel over him. I start walking back to my room but stop when water runs down my legs. I glance down and see that I’m still in my boxer briefs. I huff at myself as I try to get the wet, clingy fabric down my legs.

Charlie must get tired of me jostling him around because he lifts his head and then drops his legs. I quickly pull the soaking wet boxers off, toss them into the shower, and grab my own towel to dry off with. Charlie’s tired eyes catch mine before turning and slowly walking back into my room. I wrap the towel around my waist and follow after him.

He’s slipping into a pair of my red and black checkered pajama pants, rolling the waistband over and over to keep them up on his slim hips. He then pulls on the hoodie I wore yesterday that I tossed on my dresser. Grabbing his sketchbook and a pencil, he climbs onto my bed and flips it open. As he starts drawing, I get dressed following his lead putting on pajama pants and a hoodie. I sit down next to him and kiss his shoulder. He looks at me out of the corner of his eye but quickly looks away and continues drawing.

Reaching for my phone, I send a group text to the guys letting them know Charlie is up and moving around. After they respond I switch over to my sisters and send the same message, getting way too many heart emojis from them both.

Noticing that it’s almost noon, I turn so I’m facing Charlie, my knees bumping the side of his leg. “Are you hungry? I’ll make you whatever you want.”

His pencil stops as he bites his lip. He chews on it until I gently pull it free. Turning his face to me, I can see fear and uncertainty.

“What’s wrong, baby?” I rub my thumb over his fading black eye.

“Can I finish this first? I-I’ll eat after,” he says softly.

“Of course.”

I watch him for a little while, amazed at how quickly he can draw.

After a few minutes, he stops and he swallows hard before looking up at me. “I-I’m sorry. I tried to keep the voices away, but they became so loud…” He lets the sentence fade as a shiver runs through him.

I wrap my arm around him and pull him to my side, kissing his temple. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I told you I’d always be by your side no matter what you’re going through. I’m not going anywhere.”

His eyes glisten for a second before he blinks it away. He closes his book and stands, setting it back in its place next to his pencil case.

I walk around the bed and reach for his hand, relieved when he lets me lace my fingers through his. We walk through the living room to the kitchen, finding Ryder’s ass sticking out of the fridge.

“What the hell are you doing.”

He jumps and hits his head on the shelf. Rubbing the back of his head he turns, getting ready to curse me out but stops as a huge grin takes over his face.

“Hey, Charlie. Are you hungry? I’m still banned from using, you know, everything in the kitchen but I’m sure Shane will whip us up something delicious!” He winks at Charlie as he comes around the island to give him a side hug before sitting on a stool.

I help Charlie climb onto the one next to Ryder. “Any special requests, beautiful?”

“Yeah, I’d like eggs benedict with a steak, medium, with a coffee but I only take it with the richest beans straight from Columbia. I won’t drink it any other way,” Ryder beams.

I cross my arms and shake my head at Ryder, unable to stop a snort from escaping. I look at Charlie and see a tiny hint of a smile on his lips. Looking back at Ryder, he winks at me.

This guy. He truly is the greatest friend I’ve ever had.

I pretend to look in the fridge for ingredients before turning around and shaking my head, feigning sadness.

“Sorry to burst your bubble but we don’t have Canadian bacon or steak and neither one of us drinks coffee so you’re out of luck there, too.”

Ryder cocks his head. “What the hell is Canadian bacon? Do they make bacon with maple syrup or something?” He looks thoroughly confused.

“No, you dumbass,” I laugh. “It’s like ham but better.” I shake my head at him. “Didn’t you pay attention when your mom cooked? I’ve eaten Canadian bacon at your house.”

“No, I sit down and wait for the food to arrive. Wait, can’t you just replace it with regular ham? I know we have some since I’m only allowed to make sandwiches.”

Charlie’s smile grows on one side, making his dimple appear.

“I mean I can, but it won’t taste the same. Do you even like Hollandaise sauce? Or poached eggs?”

Ryder perks up. “Oooh, what’s a holidays sauce? It’s almost Christmas, does it taste better this time of year or something?”

I stare at him. I know I said he’s my best friend, but I didn’t say he’s the sharpest tool in the shed.

Charlie is biting his lip to keep from laughing.

“You’ve never had eggs benedict, have you?”

Ry smiles, showing all his teeth.

“Nope.” He pops the P.

I burst out laughing, followed by Ryder, then a small chuckle from Charlie.

“Okay, Charlie. What would you like to eat? Anything you pick will work because this oaf will eat anything I put in front of him.” I tilt my head in Ryder’s direction.

He bites his lip and glances at the pantry. I already know what he’s going to say before he says it.

“Mac and cheese with the powdered cheese, please.”