Page 14

Charlie

A s soon as the door closes, I sit on my bed and flop backward.

What the hell just happened?

And how does he know it’s my birthday?

I hate my birthday. It’s nothing but a reminder of my most painful memories. I usually drown myself in liquor and drugs so the day passes in a blur and I won’t remember it. But a certain blue-eyed man has derailed my plans for the day.

I don’t even know what came over me. One minute, I was drowning in flashbacks, and the next, I was straddling him. I got lost in those stunning eyes, and as soon as I felt him grow under me, I couldn't hold back. I needed a distraction to get me out of my downward spiral and his fingers were just what I needed.

I’ve never came with a finger in my ass. I’ve tried to do it to myself a few times, but it didn’t feel right. But Shane must have magic fingers or something because that was the fastest I’ve ever came, and judging by the drying mess in my pants, the most as well.

I don’t know why I didn’t expect him to want to shower together. It’s normal after what we did. But…I can’t let him see me naked. My tattoo hides most of my back, but the cuts are visible on my legs, and I don’t know how to explain the burns on my arms. Not to mention, I’m only about five inches long when hard, with barely any girth. No gay man wants to see or touch that. He’d probably laugh at how small it is.

Don't worry, it'll get bigger. Let me show you how.

STOP!

Look how small you are. Hell, maybe you won't get bigger.

Please no.

SHUT. UP!

I dig the heels of my palms into my eyes until white spots appear and my head feels like it’s about to explode.

So fucking useless!

Why can’t you be more like your brother?

Fucking disgrace to this family!

Arrrrggghhhh!

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!”

I curl up in a ball on my side and yank on my hair as hard as I can. I grip my shoulder, turn my head into my bicep, and bite down. The thick hoodie prevents my teeth from breaking skin, so I use it to muffle my screams.

I scream as loud as I can and keep screaming until I can’t hear the voices anymore. Until I can’t think. Can’t breathe. I start heaving as tears stream down my cheeks.

Why am I like this?

Why can’t I just be normal?

My body jerks fighting to get more air into my lungs.

But I don’t want to.

As I take a short breath, wishing for it to be the last, warm hands flip me over. I’m looking up at my ceiling, but my vision is blurry, and I can’t hear anything over the rapid whooshing of my heartbeat in my ears.

Shane’s wet face comes into view, but I don’t want to look at him. He probably thinks I’m crazy.

You’re so fucking stupid!

He pulls my lax body up to a sitting position and leans my head against his warm, shower-dampened chest. He’s saying something but I can only feel the rumble in his chest as he talks.

He’s telling you how fucked up you are!

I must let out a whine or whimper because Shane tightens his arms around me, kisses my forehead, and starts slowly rocking side to side.

“Please be ok…”

“I’ve got you, baby...”

“Beautiful…”

“Charlie…”

His words are coming in and out over my ragged breathing.

When I’m finally able to, I look up at him through blurry eyes and instantly wish I didn’t. He looks scared out of his mind.

You did that to him!

“Charlie,” he whispers my name as he presses his forehead to mine.

“I’m s-sorry, Shane,” I stutter out, blinking rapidly to clear my vision of the tears that won’t stop.

“Shh. You have nothing to be sorry for baby. I just don’t know what’s going on.” He pulls back and kisses my forehead, lingering for a few seconds.

He wipes the tears from my cheeks, rubbing under my sore eyes. “You have the most beautiful golden eyes.” He kisses each of my eyelids slowly. Pulling away, he looks at me with a softness I’m not used to getting from anyone. It brings more tears that he gently wipes away. “I can fill the tub so you can soak in a warm bath for a little while. Just tell me what you want to do.” He strokes under my chin. What I want is to get high enough that I can’t think and then spend the rest of the day under my blankets. But I have a feeling Shane isn’t going home anytime soon.

“Okay,” I whisper hoarsely.

He lifts me up and carries me to the bathroom like I weigh nothing. He sets me on the counter, then walks to the tub and starts the water. He’s naked except for my black towel sitting low on his hips. There’s a big bird tattoo on the right side of his rib cage and black geometric shapes running the length of his left arm with a big, outlined mandala flower around the edge of his shoulder. When he turns sideways, his bulge pushes against the towel, reminding me of what we did. He’s huge. At least eight or nine inches and wide, with a thick vein that runs along the bottom.

My cock makes a poor attempt at jumping at the thought.

“Do you have any Epsom salt or lavender-scented bath oils?”

What the fuck is bath oil?

I shake my head and look at him like he’s the crazy one.

“What? You’ve never used Epsom salt or a bath oil to relax?” He chuckles lightly as he grasps the bottom of my hoodie and starts to bring it up. I hesitate to raise my arms, but I don’t have the energy to deny him. He slides it up and over my head, taking the undershirt with it. A chill runs over my skin as he drops the hoodie on the floor and looks me over like a man starved.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” he growls as he runs his fingers over my pebbled nipples. His fingers bump over each of my ribs, moving down to my flat stomach, circling my belly button, and stopping at the waist of my pants.

“Can I?” he asks as he dips his fingertips below the waistband and slowly drags them back and forth along my skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake.

“Umm…” I bite my bottom lip, not sure what to say.

“It’s okay. How about I go get dressed while you get in the bathtub?”

I nod looking down at his hand that’s now resting on my thigh.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes, beautiful.” He lifts my chin and kisses me softly before turning away and adjusting himself as he walks to the tub, turns the water off, and leaves.

I slide off the counter and turn to the cabinet that has all my favorite pills in it. I glance over my shoulder at the open door, straining my ears for any sounds. I don’t hear anything, but I don’t know if that’s a good sign.

I turn back to the cabinet and stop at my reflection in the mirror. My dark hair is a tangled mess thanks to my fingers, and I also have angry red teeth marks on my bicep.

Guess the hoodie couldn’t stop all my frustration.

I move my eyes over to my chest and notice how prominent my ribs are.

What was going through Shane’s mind when he felt them? Does he think I purposely starve myself to go with the rest of my fucked-up self?

I quickly open the cabinet, where there’s a row of orange bottles waiting for me to pick my poison for the day.

The first three bottles are antidepressants I got from three different shrinks. Then there’s my go-to Perc’s and Norco’s for a delicious high, my benzos Xanax and Valium, Ritalin for the ADHD I don’t have, Ambien for the sleep apnea I don’t have anymore, and two empty bottles that are usually filled with something Pete sold me.

I need to call him.

I pick up the Xanax and shake it, realizing there are only four left.

Shit.

I do the same with the Valium and Percocet bottles. Both are low too. Fuck. My mother will have to come for a “visit” soon so she can pretend to care about me when really, she only comes to refill my bottles so I don’t “bother” Benji with my antics. I don’t know if she knows that I know that she does it or if she just thinks I’m a moron. Either way, I get what I need without having to step foot in one of her shrinks’ offices again.

My mother and father will be on campus sometime today to take Benji out to celebrate our birthday while I’m left behind. Forgotten. It used to hurt, but now I’m glad they don’t care. Father will only degrade me every chance he gets, and Mother will ignore me while doting all over Benji.

I don’t want any part of that. I’d much rather spend the day locked in here by myself.

I open the Xanax bottle and grab two of the light green pills. Tossing them back, I put the bottle back and close the cabinet. I quickly get some water from the tap, then turn around so I can avoid the mirror and make my way to the bathtub. There’s steam coming off the water, promising a sting on my skin. I look to the door one more time before swiftly dropping my pants, and stepping into the tub.

The water instantly warms my chilled feet, and as I slowly lower into the water, the first traces of relaxation work their way into my body since I woke up.

I lean back and take a slow, deep breath. The water smells like my ocean breeze body wash; it has me wishing it was Shane’s scent instead. At the thought of how he saw me act this morning, I slide down until I’m submerged underwater.

He must think I’m crazy.

I was so far in my head that he probably ran out of here the second he got dressed and I just didn’t notice.

He’ll keep as far away from me as possible, and I’ll never see him again.

I’m so fucked up.

I’m grabbed under my arms and hauled up to a sitting position.

“Charlie, are you okay?”

I cough and suck in air, keeping my eyes shut tight. Leaning forward, I pull my knees up and hug them to my chest and rest my forehead on my knees.

“I didn’t know if you were trying to hold your breath and relax under there or what, but I couldn't let you stay under any longer.”

His hand rubs up and down my knobby spine. If he feels the raised scars, he doesn’t say anything.

“I ordered some food. It should be here in about thirty minutes.”

Why does he keep doing these things for me? Why hasn’t he left?

His finger skims over the side of my face. “Look at me, beautiful.”

I turn my head to face him. He’s kneeling next to the tub, his perfect face a few inches from mine.

“Why don’t you lean back and relax. You’ve had an eventful mental fight this morning, and it’s only nine-thirty.”

He runs his fingers through my wet hair and down to the base of my neck.

“Come on. Lay back, I’ll help.”

I slowly release my legs and lean back on his hand. As my legs straighten, I cover my dick with one hand while keeping my legs together and hold onto his on my chest with my other. I look up at him as I relax. He has this gentleness about him that I wouldn’t expect from a big hockey player. It breaks my heart a little that my own twin never cared about me this much.

A tear runs down my cheek as my chest starts to ache for a relationship I’ve never had.

Shane wipes it away with a wet thumb.

“You’re alright, beautiful. Take a deep breath and try to relax. I’m not going anywhere.”

I do as he says while keeping eye contact and taking deep breaths with him. He shifts so he’s sitting, then starts stroking my hair. My eyes roll to the back of my head, and I let out an embarrassing purr at how good it feels.

He chuckles but continues rubbing my scalp until it’s too difficult to open my eyes back up.

I’m startled awake by a pounding on my door. I sit up so fast that water splashes over the edge of the tub, making a mess on the floor. I grip my chest trying to get my lungs to expand as my heart tries to pump right out of my chest.

“Shhh. Shhh. You’re okay. It’s just the food.”

Shane is bent over me with a towel in his hands. I look around the bathroom and try to figure out how long I’ve been in here.

There’s another loud knock on my door making me jump.

“One second!” Shane yells.

“Come on, beautiful. Let’s get you out so I can grab that before they put a hole in your door.”

He helps me stand on shaky legs and wraps the towel over my shoulders. As I step over the side of the tub, I sway into Shane. He grabs me around the waist and helps me the rest of the way out, walking me to my room.

“I’ll go get the food and set it up. Are you good to get dressed, or do you need me to put some clothes on your bed so you can sit down?” he says as he walks to my dresser.

He already has a pair of dark blue boxer briefs, a long-sleeved black tee, and my favorite blue and grey plaid pajama pants in his hands. He tosses them on my bed as he walks up to me. He’s so tall that I strain my neck to look up at him.

He leans down and places a soft kiss on my forehead. “Get dressed, beautiful. I’ll get breakfast set up so it’ll be ready to eat when you’re finished.” He kisses the top of my head and steps back.