Page 20

Charlie

E verything is moving in slow motion except Shane keeps moving like he’s vibrating. I can’t explain it. All I know is I need him to stop moving before I get a headache. His warm hands feel so damn good against my frigid skin. I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting on the cold tile floor in my bathroom before I heard his ringtone interrupt Limits by Bad Omens. All I know is one second, I’m in a euphoric haze not feeling a damn thing, and then I’m engulfed by Shane. His bodywash, his deodorant, his heat, and then a smell that’s just him.

“What’s going on, beautiful? How can I help? Please let me help you.” He sounds like he’s begging me for something, but I have no idea what.

I’m fine .

“No, you are not fine, Charlie. When’s the last time you ate or took a warm shower?”

I shrug, or I think I do. I don’t know but my bed sounds like the perfect place to be right now. I step out of his warmth and immediately regret it when I start to shiver.

The walk to my room takes longer than it should. I make my way over the dirty clothes and empty bottles that are strewn all over the floor. The new blankets Lily bought me are piled on my bed like a mini mountain. I find my opening and crawl under them, making a cocoon out of the bottom two.

Cool air hits my face as the top blankets are pulled off my head.

“Nooo,” I whine as I reach for them with my heavy eyelids refusing to open. As the pressure from the blankets returns, I fall into the sweet comfort of sleep.

Charles, your mother tells me you are living like a filthy animal. Garbage everywhere and dirty clothes all over the place. You might have paid for that shit hole, but I can take it away! You’ll be out of college and living on the streets faster than you can blink. You’re an embarrassment to the Alexander name!

You should take tips on how Benjamin lives. He has hired cleaners to keep his house looking its absolute best. He’d never let trash collect on the floor for infestation.

If I catch you living like the help one more time, you’ll be cut off from everything attached to the Alexander name! Your mother will no longer supply your pills, I’ll have Benjamin claim the rest of your trust fund, and I’ll get the dean to expel you. And you can say goodbye to all your worthless dreams.

Conrad will be out there at the end of the month to make sure you’re living like a civilized adult. Give him a hard time and everything ends! You know I can make it all disappear.

Including Shane Hawkins.

I wake with a gasp as my father’s voice digs its claws at my head. I had missed his call when my phone died while I was in the woods freaking out after Benji left. I went back and forth on whether I should tell Shane about Benji’s threat or stay away from him altogether. I sat in the cold for hours and by the time I forced my legs to walk home, it was almost midnight. I didn’t bother turning my phone on, just tossed it on the charging pad and fell asleep. Lily’s the one that reminded me to turn it on when she saw me in class the following day.

I wanted so badly to open the text from Shane when it turned on but the two missed calls from my father couldn’t be ignored. He didn’t leave a message after the first call, but he let me have it when I didn’t answer the second time. My place wasn’t even that messy. I know I had clothes shoved under my bed to hide the mess from Shane, but my garbage can wasn’t even half full. Leave it to my mother to exaggerate her findings to him. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did call Marie out here to clean as she refilled my pills.

After I listened to my father’s furious message and him say Shane’s name at the end, it was decided that I couldn’t be seen with him anymore. Because my father’s threats are never empty ones. I can’t risk Shane disappearing because of me.

Groaning, I wiggle around until I find the edge of my bed and use all my strength to pull the sheets back. My room is dark, but I can see the sun shining around the edges of the blackout curtains. A twinge from my bladder has me swinging my feet to the floor as I sit up. I quickly shuffle to the bathroom with my eyes half open to take a piss.

After washing my hands, I open the cabinet without looking in the mirror. I grab the pill bottle labeled Percocet and take two. That should help carry me through the day, then it’ll be the weekend so nobody will have a reason to bother me.

As I close the cabinet and turn, I notice a faint smell of the skunky scent from the joint Pete gave me as a late birthday gift. That shit was strong as hell and it had me floating on a cloud most of the night.

Walking back into my room to get ready for class, I stop in my tracks.

It’s clean.

There’s no way that new shit had me so high that I cleaned my room, did it? My room is the one place that I let the demons take over, so it tends to be a mess.

I turn around and head to the living room, noting that my art room door is closed. Everything looks the same out here. Blowing out a breath, I contemplate taking a shower or waiting to do it later after I spend time sanding down a new project. I look around for my phone so I can see how much time I have. I spot it on the counter in the kitchen.

When did I put it in there?

Picking it up, I have a missed text from Noah reminding me I promised to spend time with Lily tonight. I also have two messages from Shane.

Blue: I don’t know what I walked in on, but I don’t like how worn out you looked. You fell asleep so fast that I was afraid to leave your side. I stayed as long as I could, but I couldn’t miss the morning meeting for the game today.

Blue: I’ve already added you to my list for tickets so give the person at the ticket booth your name and they’ll print it out for you. Please come. I’m worried about you. Bring Lily and Noah too. Just…please be there tonight. Have a good day, beautiful.

I thought I dreamt of him being here last night. He must have been the one to clean my room.

I scroll up to reread his texts from earlier this week. I feel bad that he’s worried about me when he should be concentrating on hockey.

He shouldn’t be wasting his time on me, I’ll only let him down like I do everyone else.

I don’t want to have to shower twice in one day so instead I go back to my room to change. As I’m pulling my shirt over my head, I notice blood on the hem. I look down and see dried blood streaks on my inner thigh.

Oh shit. Did Shane see it?

I sit on my floor to get a closer look. I didn’t go too deep. It looks like I just didn’t clean it up afterward. Looking at the side of my bicep that touches my ribs I see two bright red welts. I must have left the joint on one of them for longer than the other because it has raised edges like I was digging into my arm with it.

I don’t remember doing any of it. Pete sold me some good shit that in combination with the pills I took, had my head in a blissful daze.

Love the feeling of nothingness.

Standing back up, I pull on a pair of sweatpants that’s draped over my desk chair and a black hoodie. I lift the collar over my nose and suck in a deep breath trying to get even the slightest hint of him, but there’s nothing there but my musk since I haven’t done laundry.

My phone starts ringing with Katy Perry as I’m leaving my room.

“Hey, Lily.”

“Good, almost afternoon Jax!”

Rolling my eyes I grab my bag from the floor, slide on my Vans, and walk out the door.

“What are you up to tonight?” She asks.

“I’m not sure. If you still want to hang out, you can come to my place.”

I hear her let out a disappointed breath as I get in the elevator.

“Charlie, you can’t keep living like this. You’ve hardly left your house besides going to class. I let you have your space after your birthday because I knew you needed it, but that was four days ago. You’ve never gone this long before. What’s going on?”

I can hear the worry in her voice, and I hate myself a little more.

As I step outside, the cool fall breeze hits me in the face. I head toward my first class as I pull my hood over my head.

“I can come over tonight but I’m not the best company right now, Lily. I’ll probably say something I don’t mean so I can leave. And I really don’t want to ruin our friendship.”

“Oh Charlie, you could never ruin our friendship. You’re stuck with me like slime stuck in your hair. The only way to get rid of me is by cutting me out, which we both know you’ll never do because I’ll camp in your living room until you come to your senses.”

The scary thing about all of that is that she’s telling the truth. I tried to distance myself from her before she found out how much of a mess I was, but she walked into my house like she owned it and didn’t leave my room for the week of spring break. If she was a guy my father wouldn’t have let her into our house but because she’s a gorgeous woman, my father let her do as she pleased. I’m pretty sure he thought we were hooking up which is the only reason why he never questioned why she was there all week. Too bad for him because that was the week that I came out to Lily. We spent most of the week watching Sons of Anarchy and drooling over Charlie Hunnam.

“Oh wait! A certain someone invited me to the hockey home opener tonight and he just so happened to have three seats available. Now doesn’t that sound like more fun than sitting around my apartment?”

I can practically see her bouncing on her toes in excitement. She knows as much as I do about sports, which is next to nothing. She’s as extroverted as they come and loves being around people and having a good time regardless of where she is.

“Do you think it’ll be ok if I go? I don’t want to be a distraction for Shane and make him mess up. What if he can’t concentrate knowing I’m in the seats behind him? What if he sees me and realizes it was a mistake inviting me? What if Ben-”

“Charlie, stop!”

“What if Benji sees me and knows that I’ve been hanging out with Shane and then my father… Oh God. My parents will be there! It’s the first game of the season. There’s no way they would miss it.”

The panic rises as my heart starts racing. I reach for the bench next to me with a shaking hand and sit down, lowering my head between my knees.

I can’t go.

He doesn’t really want you there anyway!

He thinks you’re a loser who can’t take care of himself.

He only invited you so the seats won’t be empty.

You’d be lucky if he even looks over at you!

He probably only wanted to invite Lily but had to invite you so she would go.

“Charlie, can you hear me? Take a deep breath and hold it for five seconds and slowly let it out. Come on, I’ll do it with you.”

I try to take a deep breath, but I can’t. It’s like someone’s sitting on my chest. I hear myself start wheezing as I screw my eyes closed.

“Noah is right around the corner. He’ll be right there. Slow your breathing for me, Charlie.”

I try to do as she says but only get to two seconds before sucking in air and then hold my breath all together wishing for this to end.

A second later there are hands on my shoulders and heat radiating off the person in front of me.

“Charlie, look at me.”

Noah. He sounds out of breath, but I don’t know if he really is or if it’s the whooshing in my ears from my heart beating so fast.

He pushes my shoulders back until I’m face-to-face with him. He’s on his knees in front of me, hair blown all over the place with red cheeks. I’m still breathing too fast as he gets up in my face.

“Slow, Charlie. Follow me.” He breathes deeply and I try to copy him, but my lungs are on fire. “Again. You can do it. Go. Slow.”

Closing my eyes tightly, icy blue ones appear along with a bright white smile. I feel my heartbeat start to slow as my breathing becomes easier.

Reopening my eyes, Noah nods and stands up. I follow as I look down to find my phone on the sidewalk between my feet.Picking it up, I see that Lily is still on the line.

“I’m okay,” I rasp into my phone.

“Thank goodness.” She blows out a deep breath that sounds like she’s been holding this whole time. “I’m going to tell Shane that we can’t make it tonight. You, Noah, and I can stay in and watch movies all night. It’ll still be a good time.”

She says it like she’s trying to convince herself that her plans are enough. But she’s been stopping by all week checking up on my sorry ass and I know staying in is the last thing she wants to do on a Friday night.

I bite my lip debating if they should just go to the game without me. I catch Noah’s eye. He must read my mind as he pats me on the back and takes my phone.

“We’re all going to the game tonight, Lily. So, grab your Gannon U shit and be ready by five-thirty so we can walk to the stadium together.”

I hear her ask something that has Noah looking at me. He says yes and I can hear Lily’s squeal as he pulls my phone from his ear.

“We’ll see you later.” He hangs up and hands me my phone back. “Let’s get you to class.” He walks ahead of me as I look down and follow.

“I’ll be waiting out here when you’re finished then we’ll get ready at your place before grabbing Lily. Sound good?”

I nod and walk up the steps.

My current sculpture is the biggest piece I’ve done. As I pull the sheet off, I step back and admire my work.

From the front, I have an oversized anatomical heart cradled in large hands. Walking around to the back, fingers dig into the heart. I recently started adding a jagged tear down the center and once I start airbrushing, I plan on adding black blood dripping out of it. I’ve been working on this piece since the end of summer and won’t be finished until Christmas.

Putting my earbuds in, I turn on my rock mix on and crank the music up loud enough to drown out the other students and let my hands have a mind of their own for the next hour.

As I step out of the building covered in a layer of sweat and dust, I spot Noah right where I left him.

Did he stay there the whole time?

He looks up from his phone as I get closer and smiles. “Ready to go watch some grown men chase a rubber disk on knife boots?” He laughs.

I hide my smile as I shake my head at his hockey description while we start toward my townhouse.

Thirty minutes later I’m freshly showered and dressed. I have Shane’s hoodie in one hand and the Gannon U hoodie we got at Freshman orientation in the other. I’ve had it for two years and have only worn it once. I really don’t want to wear it since it’s white but I’m not sure if it’s ok to wear Shane’s when only hockey players own them.

I walk out to ask Noah what he thinks but run into Lily walking into my room.

“Hey. I thought we were meeting you at your apartment.”

She’s gone all out on her outfit. Her hair is in cute space buns, her makeup is perfect, and she’s wearing a black romper thing with a golden four-leaf clover shimmering on it. There are also traces of gold everywhere. Her hair and eyeshadow have the same shimmering stuff that’s all over her light brown skin. Even her Louis Vuitton boots have gold throughout the design.

“I was too excited to wait so I got a ride from my roommate since she has to pass by to get to work. You look good, Jax. I’m glad to see you remembered where the shower was,” she winks.

I know she’s teasing but I don’t think she gets how much effort taking a shower is when you feel like you’re drowning all the time.

“You look cute, Lily.” I hold up the two hoodies. “Which one should I wear?”

I already know she’s going to pick Shane’s hockey hoodie, but I need someone else to tell me to wear it.

That it’s okay to be seen in it.

“You know Shane would love to see you wearing his hoodie at the game. It’s almost like wearing his jersey but only you two know who’s it is. You’ll see.” She grabs the white one and tosses it back in my room before taking the other and pulling it over my head. “There. Perfect! Now let’s go. I’ve never been to a hockey game but if it’s anything like getting into a football game, the lines are going to be long.” She grabs my hand as we walk to the door.

Noah is by the door giving me a weird look. His arms are crossed over his chest but it’s a relaxed stance with him leaning against the wall. His head is tilted to the side, but he looks almost angry as he watches us approach. I try to pull my hand from Lily’s, but she grips it tighter as she smiles at me letting me know she doesn't care what he thinks.

I slide my feet into my black and grey checkered Vans and pat my pockets for my keys, wallet, and phone. Noah steps to the side as he opens the door for us but as I pass him, he makes a low growl sound. I look over my shoulder at him as he glares at me.

What did I do to him?

I know he likes Lily, but he’s never been rude to me over it. I look over at Lily to see if she heard him but she’s talking a mile a minute in her excitement for the game. Noah walks up behind us as we wait for the elevator. I try to shake my hand free of Lily’s again but as her hand loosens, she laces our fingers together. She’s still talking excitedly as I hear Noah let out a harsh breath. She stands next to me as we ride the elevator down with Noah on her other side.

The walk to the hockey rink is quick since Lily is speed walking. I give my name to the guy at the ticket booth, and he prints out three tickets and tells us where the seats are located.

“I’m starving,” Lily says as we walk through the main doors.

There are people everywhere and it’s so loud that it’s hard to think clearly. Lily squeezes my hand as we walk around the long line for food, another line for the bathrooms, and an even bigger line at The Knight’s Lucky Clover gift shop. She walks quicker then stops to look at our tickets in her hand.

“This is us!” Her huge smile takes over her face.

We walk hand in hand through the curtain.

The ice is so bright and cold that I can feel it from here. We walk down until we are two rows behind the player benches. I let Noah go first so I’m not sitting next to someone I don’t know, and then Lily slides in so I can have the aisle seat. I pull my hood up as the chill from being this close to the ice hits my skin.

“I’ll go get you something to eat since we still have thirty minutes,” Noah says to Lily. “What would you like? I saw pizza, nachos, hot dogs, burgers, and candy.”

She looks at me, but I shake my head. She smiles and then tells Noah what she wants. He slides past us and back up the steps. Lily nudges me as the two teams come flying out of the opening behind the benches. I spot Benji first as he races to the net and starts a big circle around half of the rink with the team following behind him. I see Kane and remember him from when I went on the team website, that’s Shane’s friend Matt. I don’t know Asher or Ryder’s last names though.

They stop skating and half the team takes shots at the goalie while the others stretch. I bite my lip as I try to find Shane but I don’t remember his number and I haven’t seen a jersey with his last name on it.

“There he is!” Lily points to where two guys are on their hands and knees…humping the ice? What the fuck?

“What are they doing,” I ask her without taking my eyes off them.

“I think they’re stretching their groins,” she laughs.

I bite my lip as they sit up, kneeling on one leg with the other out to the side. I still can’t see their names so when the guy closest to us turns towards the guy he’s stretching with, butterflies erupt in my stomach when Hawkins appears on the back of his jersey. The guy he’s talking to laughs at something Shane said and when he looks up, he looks right at me. He says something to Shane without looking away from me. Shane turns his head, and the brightest smile takes over his face. Getting up, he skates over to the bench, stops, and mouths, ‘You came’. His smile gets even bigger as I shyly wave at him.

He's saying something when two more guys join him and start playfully pushing him around. They have goofy-looking smiles as they look up at me and wave.

It’s Matt and Ryder.

Shane pushes them away as he looks up at me and points to his chest then to me. I look down and instantly feel my cheeks heat knowing he sees what I’m wearing.

“Doesn’t he look good in your hoodie?” Lily yells standing up with her hands cupped around her mouth.

I grab her arm and pull her back down as my entire body flushes in embarrassment.

“He’s smiling at you,” she sings in my ear.

I lift my head enough to see him from under my lashes. He’s now standing behind the bench looking up at me as his teammates walk past him to where I think the locker room is. Before he leaves, he takes his glove off his right hand, kisses two fingers then points them at me. He winks before disappearing.

“Aww. That was so sweet!” Lily wraps her arm around my shoulders. “I think someone like likes you.” She kisses my burning cheek as Noah returns.

I don’t look at him as he walks past me to his seat. I see him hand Lily a pizza out of the corner of my eye along with two cups of frothy beer. She thanks him as she puts one of the drinks in my cup holder.

“It’s Goose Island,” she whispers in my ear, knowing it’s my favorite IPA.

I hesitantly look over at Noah, but he’s distracted by the group of giggling girls in front of us.

“Think of it as an apology from him for being a dick on the way here.” She looks pointedly at the cup. I give her an appreciative smile as I take a small sip of the cool citrusy liquid.

I’m glad she doesn’t make it a big deal that she noticed how weird Noah has been towards me.

The game starts and I get lost trying to follow Shane around the ice. He plays in front of his goalie next to Ryder and together they keep the puck out of the net when they’re on the ice.

By the time there’s under two minutes left in the game, we are up three to two. Ryder is behind our net with the puck as guys fly off the bench while others come off the ice. He passes to Shane who skates around a player from the other team and shoots the puck to the corner once he crosses the blue line on the other side. Everyone chases it as he and Ryder stay back. Benji comes out from behind the net with the puck and shoots, but it pings loudly off the metal goalpost. Two players collide as they chase the puck to the corner. After they wrestle for it, our guy comes away with it and passes it to a wide-open Shane. He hits it as soon as it touches his stick, beating the goalie and scoring a goal with point five seconds left in the game.

Everyone jumps up and cheers as I’m Shipping up to Boston by Dropkick Murphys blasts from the speakers. I stand up and focus on Shane as everyone goes crazy around me. He’s being swallowed up by his teammates, but I can still see his smile from here. As they let him go, he comes to the bench and high-fives a few guys before he looks up at me. Still smiling, he winks at me before turning back to the ice. The ref drops the puck, but the game ends less than a second later and Dropkick Murphys comes back on as everyone celebrates the win.

We stand, and as Noah starts to move, Lily tells him to wait a second as she ogles the players as they head to the tunnel where Shane is fist- bumping everyone as they walk by. He rolls his eyes at her as I notice a player standing still on the ice. I turn to see who it is and almost fall back down to my seat when Benji’s furious face stares back at me. My breathing picks up as he looks down at the hoodie I’m wearing.

“Let’s go, Alexander!” Shane calls out to him.

Benji looks at Shane then back up at me and I can feel the anger coming off him in waves. He skates forward and this time I do fall back to my seat. I watch as he ignores Shane’s raised fist and shakes his head as he walks out of sight.

Shane drops his hand and turns to me. He looks confused but otherwise happy. He starts to walk down the tunnel, and as I’m about to run out of here, I hear my name being called. I look over to Lily who’s also looking around for the source.

“Down here.” I see the top of Shane’s helmet and a gloved hand waving over the concrete stairs. I slowly get up and lean over the rail to see him smiling up at me.

“Meet me outside of the locker room. I’ve got to shower and change but I’ll be finished in twenty minutes.”

No one as sweaty as he is has any right to look so fucking sexy. I don’t even like the feeling of sweating, and I sure don’t want to touch anyone else’s but on him, I want to straddle him and become just as sweaty.

“Please?”

Biting my lip, I look back at Lily and Noah who are talking. They’ll probably want to go to a party to celebrate the win, but I’m done with loud places for the day.

Turning back to Shane, I nod. He beams at me as he takes his glove off and reaches up to tap the toe of my shoe.

“My hoodie looks good on you, beautiful.”