Page 32

Charlie

F uck I feel like shit.

I’m lying on top of something warm and hard, covered in a layer of sweat. I peek an eye open and see the side of a tanned neck. I quickly snap my head up and wince at the sharp pain in my ribs.

Shane?

When the hell did I get here? I thought I drove to my townhouse. I don’t remember much from the drive besides seeing the Welcome to Gannon University sign and then parking in front of my building.

Did I call Shane? How much did I tell him?

My heart rate picks up as I roll off him and land on my back next to him. I suck in a sharp breath at the feeling of tiny stings all over my back.

What the fuck have you done?

He knows!

Father will come after him next!

You’re such a fucking idiot!

Why can’t you just be normal?

Squeezing my eyes shut, I wince again at the throbbing in my right eye. Sitting up slowly, I swing my legs over the edge of the bed.

I sway a little as I stand up, feeling lightheaded. I wait for it to pass before grabbing a pair of Shane’s pajama pants out of his drawer on the way to the bathroom.

I avoid looking in the mirror as I pass it to get to the toilet. After relieving myself, I keep my gaze down as I walk to the sink to wash my hands. My vision is a little blurry, so I blink a few times to clear it but all it does is make my head hurt.

Shutting off the water, I lean my hands on the counter and hesitantly tilt my head up. The first thing I see is the huge bruise covering the left side of my rib cage where my father kicked me. I tenderly touch it and jump at the intense pain radiating off it. There’s another bruise on the other side too.

As slowly as I can, I raise my head until my face is staring back at me. I startle at how swollen my eye is. Half my face is covered in a purple bruise. My back twinges, reminding me of the sharp pain from falling on the glass shards. I turn around and look over my shoulder. There are so many pieces of tape and gauze all over my back that I can’t even see my tattoo.

I turn back around and stare into my good eye in the mirror.

Fucking pathetic!

Piece of shit!

Embarrassment!

I let the voices take over my muddled mind until I hear Shane’s alarm go off in his room.

“Charlie,” Shane calls sleepily.

Quickly stepping away from the mirror, I put the pajama pants on and head back into his room.

“Hey, baby. Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

I shake my head as I climb into bed and bury my head under the covers.

I hear him chuckle before he pulls the blankets off my head. His bright blue eyes meet my one good one.

“Are you hungry?” He softly strokes my cheekbone with the pad of his thumb.

I shake my head again while struggling to keep eye contact. He shouldn’t have to see me like this.

I’m broken.

I shouldn’t be here.

Closing my eye so I can’t see worry through his, I feel him shift around until he’s hovering over me.

“Look at me Charlie.”

I shake my head but his fingers running through my hair stop me. He doesn’t say anything as I fight myself to look at him.

“Please, baby.”

He doesn’t sound worried or scared. He sounds like he always does when we wake up together, sweet and caring.

I open my eye slowly to him smiling down at me. When he first wakes up his eyes have a brightness to them that always makes my heart skip a beat.

“You’re so beautiful.”.

He leans down and kisses under my black eye, then moves up above my good eye, and then my lips. I try to kiss him back, but a heavy weight is starting to pull me down.

He pulls back with a soft smile on his handsome face. It wavers for a second, but he quickly recovers, leaning down to kiss the tip of my nose.

“I only have about an hour before I need to leave for warmups. Are you sure you’re not hungry? I can make you something while I make Ryder and I breakfast.”

“Sure,” I rasp.

He climbs over me and grabs a glass off the end table. “I’ll be right back.”

I watch as he walks into the bathroom, returning a minute later with a full glass of water. He replaced a green straw that was in it and holds it to my lips. I keep my eyes on his chest as I take a sip of the cold water, relishing in how good it feels on my scratchy throat.

He sets it back on the table and I lay back down against the cool pillow and watch as he gets dressed. He pulls a pair of dark- washed jeans over his toned ass, and I watch as the sculpted muscles on his toned stomach move as he pulls a black T-shirt over his head. A black hoodie with Gannon University Hockey in gold letters follows. It’s all topped off with a black and gold backward hat.

Walking back over to me, he tilts my chin up until I’m looking into his eyes.

“I’m going to make breakfast then I’ll be back. Do you need any pain meds or ice for your ribs?”

Everything is just a dull ache, so I shake my head with my chin still held by his fingers.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.” He bends down and kisses the top of my head.

With my eyes closed, I listen as he makes his way to the door. At the sound of it clicking shut, my body sinks into the mattress. There’s an invisible weight pushing down on my chest, making it hard to breathe. But I welcome the feeling. Maybe if I let it push hard enough, I’ll drown and finally escape the voices.

A few minutes later Shane comes back holding two plates. Setting them down, he helps me sit up. The weight in my chest making me feel sluggish. He sets my plate on my lap before rolling his desk chair over, putting it as close to the bed as he can.

“Lily should be here soon. She’s going to hang out with you today while we play Hamilton State this afternoon. I’ll be back around four or so.” I nod, bringing a small bite of scrambled eggs to my mouth.

I’ve eaten half my food by the time his plate is empty. The weight in my chest makes me feel too sick to eat any more. He takes my plate and sets it on top of his. Sliding his hand underneath mine, he brings it to his mouth. I watch as he kisses each knuckle then turns my hand palm up and places it on his cheek.

“I love you, Beautiful,” he says softly as we look into each others eyes.

A knock on the door a little later breaks the spell his eyes held me in. Ryder walks in followed by a bouncing Lily.

“Okay, I can’t take her energy anymore. Time to go.” Ryder steps to the side, barely missing being smacked in the face with Lily’s braids as she spins into the room.

“I’m allowed to be excited to spend the day with my best friend. Be jealous!” She spins away from him, flipping her braids and hitting him in his chest.

Ryder smirks as he follows her in. She stops next to the bed behind Shane and as soon as her hand touches the back of his chair, Ryder picks her up. She lets out a squeal and then laughs when he tosses her on the bed next to me.

“I don’t need to be jealous when I live with my best friend, and we play the same sport. Plus, we have the same major so that’s even more time together.” Ryder has a strange look in his eye as he looks Lily over.

Lily fake gasps. “O-M-G! Do you guys paint each other’s nails too and, like, give each other fashion advice? Oh! I bet you spend all your downtime learning cute updos for that luscious head of hair of yours.”

What the fuck is even happening right now?

Shane stands up and pushes his chair back by his desk.

“Alright, you two. Enough of this awkward ass flirting. You can fuck when we get back.”

He pulls his hoodie off, momentarily showing off his lower stomach. I wish I felt something but I just…don’t.

He pulls the blanket down while helping me sit up, then tugs his warm hoodie over my head, surrounding me with his scent. He kisses my forehead before I lay down and he covers me back up.

Ryder turns the TV on and finds a sports channel.

“This channel will play our game so you can watch us play.” He turns to face Lily. “Keep an eye on number two. He may be on defense, but I heard he has a killer slapshot. Already scored three goals this season,” he winks.

“Why the fuck are you talking in third person? She’s been to most of our games. She knows what number you are.” Shane backhands his shoulder, laughing.

Ryder’s cheeks turn pink before he chuckles, spins around, and walks out of the room.

Lily starts laughing so hard that she shakes the bed.

“That…was…hilarious!” She says between laughing.

I scoot further under the blankets and close my eyes, not seeing what was so funny and just wanting everyone to go away.

“Okay then,” I hear Shane say. “On that note, Lily you know where the meds and ice packs are. We have leftovers in the fridge. Feel free to eat whatever.” He pauses then I sense him standing next to the bed. “Get some rest baby. I’ll be home as soon as I can.” He runs his fingers through my hair and then places a lingering kiss on my forehead.

I hear him walk to the door but he must stop because I feel Lily climb off the bed a second later. They say something in hushed voices before the door closes. Lily climbs back on the bed and snuggles me over the blanket.

I keep my eye closed as I listen to her talk about how Noah keeps doing stupid shit to get her attention and how she doesn’t want to lose him as a friend when she eventually tells him no. She goes on and on for almost an hour without me uttering one word.

I ask for a pain pill when my headache becomes too much from her talking. When she comes back from getting it, she cracks open a window and pulls out a joint and lighter from her purse.

She waves the joint at me. “If you want this, you gotta get up and come over here. It’ll be easier to get rid of the smell if it’s going right out the window.”

I slowly move into a sitting position, and after what feels like forever, I make it to the window and collapse on the edge of Shane’s desk. I shiver at the wind blowing in from the window. Lily places the joint in her mouth and sucks a few times to get the paper burned off the end.

She hands me the pill and a bottle of water. I quickly swallow it down and reach for the joint from her lips. Taking as much smoke into my lungs as my ribs will allow, I close my eye and hold it in, letting it out when the pain in my ribs becomes too much. We smoke in silence until it’s gone. I watch her flick the roach out of the window before closing it.

I can already feel it making my movements even more sluggish as I climb into bed. I pull the hood up on Shane’s hoodie and tuck in under the warm blankets. Lily turns up the TV as the guys line up for the beginning of the game. I watch until the first intermission then let my heavy eyes fall shut.

Shane climbing in bed behind me wakes me.

“Hey, beautiful. How are you feeling?” He kisses my shoulder.

I’m too tired to answer so I close my eye again and stay on my side facing away from him. He pulls me back until the warmth of his chest seeps into my back through the hoodie. He wedges a leg through mine and settles his hand over my heart.

I should feel happy and content right now but I’m just…numb.

Maybe if I just let go, I would be set free from this life.