Page 4

Charlie

“W here the hell did I put it?”

I rake my hands through my already messy hair, pulling on the ends. There’s no way I lost my sketchbook. It has part of my portfolio for this semester with some of my best drawings in it. I brought it to class yesterday to add details to a sketch I’m currently working on, and I swear I put it in my bag before I left.

Drawing is a safety net for when my mind gets too busy or too loud and my anxiety spikes. That book shows just how often my mind spins out of control.

I need it.

“FUCK!”

I hear Katy Perry’s Firework come from somewhere in this mess. The song is annoying as hell, which is why Lily chose it as her ringtone. She knows I’ll answer to make the song stop.

The song ends before I can find my phone, but the silence doesn’t last long as the song starts up again. The woman is persistent when she wants something.

I finally find it under my bed after the third call.

“Yes, Lily,” I huff standing up.

“What took you so long,” she says with enough sass that I can practically see her with her hand on her hip with a eyebrow raised.

Rolling my eyes, I continue moving shit around. “Couldn’t find my phone.”

She lets out a tsk noise. “Well, I was calling to see if you wanted to meet up with me and Noah for lunch.”

Looking at the clock, I have about ten minutes before my first class starts.

Shit.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you guys in the café. I gotta go though. My class starts soon and I’m still at home.”

She doesn’t say anything.

Stopping my search, I pull the phone away from my ear to check if she’s still on the line. “Lily?”

“Why are you still at home? Are you ok?”

Letting out a frustrated breath, I grip my hair again and pull until my scalp starts burning. She knows me too well. I’ve never been late to a class, and she knows how anxious I get if I’m cutting it close.

“I lost my sketchbook,” I whisper, closing my eyes.

I hear her breath hitch. “Just grab one of your smaller books for now and Noah and I will come over after class and help you look for it.”

There’s a pause and I know what she’s going to say before she says it. “I had to take it to class yesterday and no, I didn’t go hide in the woods with it either.”

“I know you wouldn’t just leave it laying anywhere. But it’s not like you to not have an iron grip on it when it’s not in your room. I’m just concerned, Charlie. That’s all.”

I’m an asshole.

I don’t deserve her or Noah’s friendship. They’re always taking care of me and my mess. They say they like me just as I am, but I think they stick around because I don’t have any other friends.

“Sorry,” I say softly walking towards my desk.

I spot one of my old books, but I know I won’t be using it. Flipping it over to the back, I open it to the last page to a rough sketch of my brother’s sweaty, smiling face. He’s holding up the hockey trophy he won last season.

The loudness of the arena coupled with the number of people had my anxiety through the roof. I don’t even remember the game. I recall a loud horn going off, everyone in the stands cheering, and then looking up to see Benji with the trophy. I grabbed this book and just drew. I got so lost in the drawing that everyone and all the noise just…disappeared. I was able to breathe for the first time that day. It resulted in one of my best drawings that I’ll be using in my portfolio for this semester.

“Hello? Charlie, you still there?”

Shaking my head to clear the memory, I focus back on Lily. “Yeah, sorry. I don’t think I have any empty ones left.”

Looking around, I see a stack on the corner of my desk and an entire bookshelf full of them.

Not an empty one in sight.

Great.

“Ok, well, you’re an art major so you should have something to help you get through the day. Or at least until lunch.”

Rubbing my forehead, I look down at my feet. “I ordered some a few days ago. I filled the last one quicker than I thought I would.” I let out a defeated breath. “I guess I could use a notebook or something.” This is going to suck. I hate how thin notebook paper is, and the blue lines drive me crazy. I haven’t drawn on one in years.

“Well, you have to go to class. Just retrace your steps on the way there, and maybe you’ll find it.”

Always the optimist, this one.

“Yeah, ok. See you later.”

“Text one of us if you need to,” she singsongs.

Hanging up, I take a deep breath.

I can do this.

I’m twenty.

A junior in college.

Studying for a BFA degree.

Get your shit together!

Fuck, I can’t do this!

I rush to the bathroom and open the cabinet above the sink. I need to take something before my anxiety becomes too much. I stare at the bottles of benzos that line a shelf, zeroing in on the Xanax and Valium. One dose will do the trick, but if I have to go all day…

No.

I quickly pop two Valium in my mouth while turning on the faucet and bending over to fill my mouth with water. Not waiting for them to kick in, I grab my shit for class and head to the door. Checking that I have my keys, wallet, and phone, I quickly lock up and speed walk to class.

I make it to class with one minute to spare. Keeping my head down, I head to my usual seat in the back row and set up with shaking hands.

Why the fuck am I like this?

The professor walks in and starts right away. Thankful for the distraction, I lose myself in the lesson.

Fifty minutes later, I’m packing up and heading out the door.

I have twenty-five minutes until my next class, which is only a five-minute walk from here in the neighboring building. So, I head towards the woods behind the Visual Arts Building

I make my way to the hidden spot I found during my freshman year when I was wandering around trying to clear my head of demons. Ducking my head under a low branch, I spot the huge tree that seems to be the center of the woods. I’ve cleared out some dead foliage over the last few days to sit comfortably for hours without being stabbed in the ass by pointy twigs.

I look all around the tree.

No, no, no.

It’s not here!

I drop to my knees and start swiping at the few leaves that have fallen since yesterday.

Nothing.

My breathing picks up and my hands start to sweat.

Standing up, I turn in a slow circle, scanning the dirt-covered ground. But there’s nothing here except for the small tin pencil case I keep hidden under a decaying log.

“FUCK!”

I quickly retrace my steps back out of the woods, keeping my head on a swivel. I even look up at the trees, like some animal took off with it and is keeping it hostage.

Shit, I’m losing my damn mind.

As I clear the last of the trees, someone runs into me hard enough for my bag to fall off my shoulder.

“Watch it, asshole.”

Looking up through a curtain of hair, a big-ass bald jock is walking away, laughing with his friends. I wish I could say it wasn’t done on purpose but I’m just a low man on the totem pole here. I’m invisible to everyone but Lily and Noah. Even Benji has pulled away from me since freshman year.

Picking up my bag, I start for class but stop when a thought hits me.

The quad.

That guy with the backwards hat that ran into me.

I remember carrying a few books for class…along with my sketchbook! I didn’t have time to stop at my house before my class to drop it off. But why wasn’t it in my bag?

I start for the quad while wracking my brain for what I did before being knocked over. I remember starting to get anxious in class when the professor mentioned partner work and reaching for my smaller book but not finding it.

I must have pulled out my big sketchbook and zoned out for a few minutes. But it was right at the end of class, and I remember wanting to get out of there as fast as possible.

I have no memory of leaving class. One second, I was at my desk and the next I was colliding with a hard body.

My pace picks up as the quad comes into view, forgetting all about class. Stopping at the edge, I look around for the spot I fell. But everything looks the same.

Walking across the grass, something glints in the sunlight. I quicken my steps but slow when I realize it’s just a pencil. Bending down, I picked it up and easily recognized it as one of mine. It’s a dark green Faber-Castell 9000 that’s only about six inches longwith bite marks all over it.

Just like the rest of my pencils.

Tucking it behind my ear, I look for the backwards hat guy one more time. When it’s clear he’s not walking around, I give up and head towards class, hoping to sneak in unnoticed.

I hate this café. It’s loud, there are too many smells fighting with each other, and there’s always someone playing obnoxious music on their phone. Why Lily insists on eating here instead of at my townhouse, is beyond me.

I walk past the food line to where Noah is sitting at our usual table in the back. He has a plate overflowing with spaghetti and a mountain of rolls on a napkin.

“Sup,” he says with an up nod.

“Hey.” I sit across from him and glance towards the line.

“Where’s Lily?”

“Said she had to talk to someone. She had that look in her eye.”

Have I mentioned how determined she can get when she sets her mind to something? The woman is a force to be reckoned with, and I never want to be on the receiving end of it. I love her, but she can be…a lot.

“You gonna get some food,” Noah asks with a mouth full of bread.

Cringing, I shake my head and look around.

A group of rowdy jocks are sitting a few tables over, laughing and talking animatedly. I’m reminded of the guy from yesterday. He had the lightest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. They remind me of a clear summer sky. He was tall and lean, but I could tell that he either worked out or, as he told me, played a sport.

Right. He’s a hockey player. Can’t go there no matter how hot he is.

Benji doesn’t know that I’m gay and even though I don’t think he’ll tell Father, I’d rather not risk him finding out by sleeping with one of his teammates.

Since starting at Gannon University, we’ve slowly drifted apart. He found popularity quickly and seemed to decide there was no longer room in his life for his introverted brother. We don’t cross paths much, which makes it easier, but that doesn't stop the pain of watching my twin slowly turn into our father.

A shiver runs down my spine. I’ll never survive if Father finds out. He’ll wait until Benji leaves, then let me have it. He’s the biggest homophobe I know. Always saying how the “gays” are destroying our country and how if he ever comes across one, he’ll make sure they disappear.

Right as I’m about to tell Noah I’m going to head out, the café door slams open and in walks Lily. Dragging the tall, sexy guy in a backwards hat behind her by his shirt.

My heart stops.

I forget how to breathe.

My eyes get huge as she walks towards us.

What the fuck is she doing? And why does she have a crazed smile on her face?